User:Glenn Azalone JR.(no relation)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This appears to be vanity.|
Glenn Danzig is an American singer, songwriter, guitarist, and frotteur, and is believed to be the inventor of "horrorpunk", "skull fucking", and black leather pants. He is also the only man alive able to evenly match Chuck Norris
Believed to have been spawned sometime around 1480, records of his existence only begin to appear about 30 years later, in 1512, when he is believed to have been responsible for the slaughter of the families, friends, associates and pets of Turks involved in the beheading of Vlad Ţepeş III, better known as Vlad The Impaler. Because the ballad of their deaths has never been officially released, lesser beings have been left to speculate about the justification for their deaths. Some believe Danzig to be the offspring of Vlad, others believe him to be the re-incarnation of Vlad himself. Others speculate that Danzig is just a big jerk and wanted to kill a bunch of people.
He is again reported to have appeared in the American south during the Civil War. Troops from both sides reported similar stories of terror. Corporal Chester Harbut, fighting for the North, recorded this entry in his journal, dated Nov 19, 1864:
...he appeared there, in the mist, next to a great oak, charred to a blackened faggot by the days battle, coated in the blood of our fallen brothers. In each hand he carried the limb of a soldier - one of ours, and one of theirs. I coughed, as I had been taken by whooping cough the week before, and by the time I looked back up, he had covered nearly 60 yards on foot, killing every man between him and me. As I sat weeping in my own urine, he passed me by, never looking my way.
The 20th Century
His first appearance in the 20th century was in the early 1990s when he began training Jerry Poteet in Jeet Kune Do, the martial art created by Bruce Lee. How Danzig knew Jeet Kune Do remains a mystery.
An avid fan of comic books, toys, occult fiction, skull-fucking, and black leather pants, Danzig was obviously an outsider to mainstream culture, making him an icon for punk and metal kids.
Danzig 4 Ever?
Danzig's appearance throughout history has led scholars to speculate that "Glenn Danzig" may not be one person, but rather a title that is passed down from generation to generation - not unlike "Dread Pirate Roberts", "Batman", "Michael Jackson", or " ... The Vampire Slayer".
Today's Glenn Danzig is believed to have created The Misfits, Samhain, and the band that takes his own name - Danzig.
While it remains unknown whether the Danzig we know today has always existed or is one in a long line of Danzigs, we do know that he is one huge, baby-eating, shirtless monster. May God have mercy on us all because Danzig certainly won't. We are not worthy of mercy from the Almighty of the Shirtless!
There is a way to call upon the Almighty of the Shirtless. It is a secret spell that witches have passed down to their children since the dark ages. You must never reveal my identity or they will hunt me down and exterminate me, just tell them you learned the spell from dumbblonde. This spell must be performed during a full moon on a green Tuesday of a blue month. First you must cleanse yourself and strip naked. Put on a pair of your mother's combat boots and cast a circle using cat turds and tears you've cried during a lunar eclipse while hopping on one foot. Within this circle you must carve, "Danzig-Almighty of the Shirtless" in a black candle with a black cat's tooth. Finally, to make Glenn appear you must walk the perimeter of the circle three times, while clicking your heals and saying, "There's no one like Danzig". If the Almighty of the Shirtless does not appear that means he doesn't like you because you're a puny mortal.
“The universe as we know it wouldn't exist if not for the delicious mixed-fruit short stack at the 4-D BHOP.”
Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes (not to be confused with GLENN ANZALONES ASS) is a hypothetical structure that in modern physics serves as a model for the so-called "universal theorem" that unifies the 4 basic forces and explains time, space, and reality as we know it.
The 4-D BHOP was first proposed in 1999 by renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and scientists generally agree that it is by far the best model for explaining the known universe. The House is a physical building that serves pancakes, and exists perpetually through all of time on the space-time continuum.
The House of Pancakes Hierarchy
Before studying Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes, one must first grasp the basics of the simpler constructs in the house of pancake hierarchy.
Benson's 0-D House of Pancakes - This is a singularity in both space and time, representable only as a dot of infinitely small size. It is from this singularity that the universe began, expanding in the event commonly referred to as the Big Bang.
Benson's 1-D House of Pancakes - In the first few microseconds of the universe, it expanded in only one direction, giving rise to the 1-D House of Pancakes. The cause of this initial expansion is attributed to a "supernatural" entity, referred to as "Benson" in the theory, as to be politically correct and avoid any controversy by using the term "God" or the specific name of any other deity. Spectral analysis of the early universe suggests that already at this stage the one dimensional line consisted of segments of various colors, ranging from blue (for blueberry pancakes) to red (strawberry pancakes).
Benson's 2-D House of Pancakes - When the newborn universe cooled and subatomic particles begin to bond and form atoms, the 2-D House of Pancakes formed to keep the universe from collapsing back onto itself. Though primitive by modern standards, the venue served short stacks and even provided customers with maple syrup. Much like stars, however, flavored pancakes were still a long way away.
BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES - Because humans inhabit and experience a 3-dimensional world, this particular House of Pancakes is the only one actually visible to us. It manifests itself in the form of a forum, in which Benson Himself and his followers talk with the world. Benson must communicate via the forum, because if one were to see Him in person, the unfathomable experience would kill them on sight. For a yet inexplicable reason, each time one tries to write the name of BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES, it comes out written in all capital letters.
Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes - The "real" House of Pancakes, as it exists through all of time and space. Other sections in this article discuss more intricate details of this construct.
Higher dimensional houses of pancakes - Physicists generally agree that the 4-D House of Pancakes is the ultimate one and that no higher dimensions exist. While other theories about the basic structure of the universe, such as the string theory, require a ridiculous amount of dimensions (up to 11), with the Benson House of Pancakes theory, only 4 are required. This of course is the most logical since it matches the dimensions in the observable universe.
Since Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes exists in 4 dimensions, it is difficult for a human to comprehend its nature. The House occupies not only physical space, but also time - in fact, all of time. If one were to be inside the House of Pancakes, they would observe the universe as a static entity, and be able to see it all from its beginning to a hypothetical end. Exiting the House would place one in an essentially random location in the space-time continuum. By the Heisenberg principle, simply calculating where one would theoretically exit would cause the destination to change. Leading astrophysicists, however, conjecture that exiting through the door will take one to the past, while exiting through a window will take one to the future (relative to the date one first entered the House).
One can analyze in more detail the 3-dimensional aspects of Benson's 4-D House Of Pancakes (ignoring the time dimension). Such an analysis can be compared to looking at a flat picture of a 3-dimensional object. Studies of the universe's background microwave radiation have lead researchers to a remarkably detailed description of the interior of the House of Pancakes. It is by far the most sophisticated restaurant in existence. The House features over 50 tables, seating from 2 to 20 people each. The chairs are made from gold, the tables themselves from silver, and the utensils from platinum.
The dining hall is divided into a smoking and a non-smoking section. The kitchen features state-of-the-art equipment, including George Foreman grills, and an oven once used by Emeril himself. The unique collection of posters and memorabilia on the walls are what keeps the universe together. As Dr. Hawking stated in a recent publication, "If the picture of the local football team hanging by table 8 were moved over even by an inch to the left, the entire universe would be reduced to a gassy ball of hydrogen. Conversely, if it were moved by an inch to the right, Earth would become a frozen ball of ice."
The infrastructural elements of the House of Pancakes are an engineering marvel. Behind the blue-colored walls lies a sophisticated network of air ducts, electrical cables, water pipes, and flux capacitors. The magnetic resonance of the structure is responsible for the existence of gravity.
Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes features dishes so delicious, that a mortal human tasting any one of them would immediately die from pleasure and go to heaven. This is because each item is a symbolic and physical manifestation of all positive feelings that can be experienced by people. For instance, the blueberry pancakes are the essence of compassion, while the strawberry ones are pure love. There are non-pancake items on the menu as well, representing more abstract ideas. The half-priced bucket of fried chicken for example, imparts wisdom, and the grilled cheese sandwich is a manifestation of creativity. Prices can be unpredictable, depending on what year in the timeline one happens to enter the 4-D House. Visitors are encouraged to take advantage of discount Sunday brunches. Each meal is personally prepared by Benson in all his glory.
History of Discovery
While even the ancient Greeks knew of the 3-D House of Pancakes, they had little idea that it was related to the fundamental nature of the universe itself. The medieval astronomer Johannes Kepler is likely the first to have inferred the existence of the 4D House, correctly deducing that its presence is what causes planets to have elliptical instead of circular orbits. However, it wasn't until Albert Einstein developed his theory of special relativity that the necessity for the existence of such a structure became evident. Einstein got only as far as determining that "a dining establishment that serves round, flattened food" could function to unify the four basic forces of the universe, but the exact nature of this phenomenon eluded him his whole life. Legend has it that with his dying breath, Einstein said "pancakes!" Finally, in 1999, the brilliant Stephen Hawking formulated his now famous theory and coined the term "Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes." The next year he was awarded the Nobel Prize in physics for his groundbreaking discovery. The theory is now universally accepted and taught in schools worldwide.
GLENN ANZALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Template:NSFWArticle Sex refers to the male and female, or female and female, or male and male, or male and female and female, or female and male and male and female and female, or male and female and horse, or male and bedpost, or male and hand, or female and finger, or female and female and cup or female and male and fist and female and male and male and foot or female and gear stick etc. interaction which can result in stained bedsheets, broken kitchen tables and/or windows, unusual auto interior odours, webcam content, or the creation of a creature known as the baby. Sex is a give and take action that allows an intense pleasure to fill the body, in most cases the woman usually is the giver while the man is the taker. It has been proven that women enjoy giving pleasure more than anything in the world and will do so with out anything in return. The primary purpose of sexual intercourse is to
excite annoy the hell out of the people in the apartment below yours and make them jealous. In most cases, people have sex for pleasure, though it is occasionally done for other purposes, such as convincing the tollbooth operator to let you slide with 20 cents instead of 25.
Anatomy of sexual intercourse
Sex, better known as "The Bill Cosby Fun Game", is primarily used as a means of passing a few otherwise tedious minutes while you wait in the queue for your drink at the bar. It's also used for expressing mild interest towards others (aside from in one African culture in which people who hate each other have sex, and people who love each other express their love by stabbing each other in the heart. Not surprisingly, not many of them have lived past their honeymoons). Many say that "love" is too strong, and sex is often recommended as a way to show appreciation to anyone you even care enough about that you might bother sending them a Christmas card, every other year.
Traditional one-on-one intercourse is usually performed by a man sticking his penis, or "ding-a-ling",or "weener" into a woman's vagina, or "squeeze box", (though many men are known to mistakenly insert their penises into the women's purse instead (which has often been blamed on mishearing the slang "kooch") this tends to result in confusion and looks of dismay from shop assistants upon receiving some suspiciously sticky and distinctively perfumed bank notes). The two then move their hips back and forth, creating friction, and if an orgasm is not achieved within ten minutes, pelvic flame. It is recommended that the hips are moved in contrary motion, so that both move their hips apart and together--or in contrary circular, triangular, or dodecahedral motion--at the same time. Upon reaching orgasm, the man experiences waves of indescribable pleasure, then wants to fall asleep, while the woman rolls her eyes, says that she wasn't done yet, and wishes she had been watching Oprah instead. The man's sperm or "man jam(a.k.a baby gravy)" is fired into the woman's vagina, unless blocked by some kind of rubber product or video camera, then it swims to the egg (controversially not free-range) and asks for permission to enter. If entry is granted, the sperm will find a "telephone cell" and call the Stork, a large bird who carries a baby or large-eared elephant to the happy couple. Occasionally, if the sperm is stupid or drunk, he will call the wrong number by mistake, accidentally ordering anything from pizza and beer to a Tempurpedic mattress.
Non-traditional, or "better" sex, can involve any body part, fabric, binding material, food. sleeping pill or plastic device--and occasionally even items like washing machines--doing anything imaginable to any other body part. It should involve more than two people, a wide range of ages and ethnicities, and possibly an African film crew. However, in New Jersey, sex is usually performed by human men on stoats, though a significant minority prefer women.
According to an ancient Chinese/Egpytian/Greek/Zulu/Turkish/Ethiopian superstition, performing sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth. However, sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and marriage; and in extreme circumstances children - not to mention HIV, but that's a different story. It is not recommended for the unnattractive, as if the intercourse is secretly filmed and put onto YouTube, no-one wants to watch it.
Traditional sexual locations
Where people have sex varies from culture to culture. The traditional location for sex is the middle of the highstreet. However, in some inner city apartment buildings, there isn't room for a highstreet and an unpedestrianised side-road usually has to suffice. In that event, the two people usually resort to having sex in an oven, washing machine, refrigerator, wardrobe (shifo), or microwave, a manoeuvre that requires a lot of dexterity, flexibility, and usually the removal of most body parts aside from the penis and the vagina. Most couples also resort to the drainpipes as a location, but this would also be fine of you were lacking a female sexual partner if the pipe was well-lubricated (and comparatively thin, unless your member is the girth of a rolled-up sleeping bag).
Other locations can include the parents' bench, back yard, ceiling, a scuba-diving training course, back of the bush, public gardens, super markets, public toilets, jail, welfare line, petting zoos, AC/DC concerts, Hooters, Disney World, in front of young children, your car, your friend's horse, China (though this is soon to be banned), and other locations. The only factors that limit the locations at which people have sex are immigration and other forms of law enforcement.
Science of sex
Many scientists claim that sex is very pleasurable. This is, however, only speculation because none of them have had it, or have they? Scientists have also concluded from studying numerous pornography sites on the interwebs that the babymaker (aka the "va-jay-jay") functions primarily in the same way as a Venus Fly Trap. Luring its prey (the assistant babymaker) inside by flashing its vibrant and natural rouge and expelling an alluring aroma. Unfortunately, some va-jay-jays have grown old and/or contracted a number of diseases, resulting in a foul aroma, which actually REPELS assistant babymakers.
Sex with animals, plants and inanimate objects
Bestiality and Botany are two sexual fetishes that have attracted a rapidly increasing amount of controversy in recent years. Bestiality means being sexually attracted to animals. The animals these people prefer usually varies from person to person, but the most popular ones include pigeons and donkeys. Also, some people practice "botany", in which they have sexual intercourse with plants, such as trees or Mushrooms. It is a very difficult process, and foreplay usually lasts about 6 hours as the person carves a vagina into whatever plant they plan on having sex with. Sex with trees is reportedly very pleasurable, though it can occasionally leave horribly painful splinters.
Sex with inanimate objects, for example, bicycles, is apparently against the law. However, a much more discreet way to get the joy is thrusting a pencil up that special place. Works for men and women. Do not try this at Office Depot, Staples, Wal-Mart, Party Supply Stores, or the Zoo and beware pencils with feathers or knobbly ends...things could get painful, and possibly quite messy. Otherwise, enjoy!!!
The common known sex position 3- (not to be confused with 69) is when a man opens up his anus and simultaneously shoves into it a sharp object, such as a knife, after which he will die. Another common sex position is 99 which happens when a pencil is shoved up one man's anus by his homosexual partner who then asks him to do the same, both end up dead sooner or later, that is unless you are immortal. A rare sex position is 6 where the poor man is left alone. Perhaps the rarest of all positions is the 9 where a woman cannot find a partner. There hasn't been a "9" reported in the last two decades, although it's rumored that one occurred with Hilary Clinton during Bill's first night at the white house. If you use SHARPIES, they work well also. Plus, They create a higher pleasure standard. The vibrating end of a toothbrush works best, if you are too poor to buy a dildo. Note: NOT THE END WITH BRISTLES. A more frequent position is the 96, usually performed amongst married couples, where both parties are lying in bed thinking the other is asleep and are secretly attempting to perform oral pleasures upon themselves. Another very common position is the "690", in which two people perform 69, and a very fat man lies in bed next to them and watches. A little known position is when the receiving partner (the unlucky one) inserts a pen into their arse, writes a novel and craps it out. Many greats such as the works of shakespeare and shamrock rover's teamsheet have been conceived this way.
A myth created by females, it seems as though said 'condom' is supposed to be worn during sex. It takes away pleasure but she wont have a baby. Never use a condom because if she gets pregnant you can leave, or get an abortion, and under the special case she is a hooker just kill her(as she probably doesnt have a family and nobody cares about her)>
Religion and sexuality
The common belief amongst many religious organisations is that sex is an evil Sin, and that the only way two people should be allowed to have sex is if they are both old, are both ugly, and neither of them enjoy it. Those young enough to enjoy it should neither have sex nor wank. Some very radical Christian groups attempted to live without any sex at all in their communities, but they ended up suffering the same fate as another obscure Christian group that condemned breathing as evil. Many Christians have moved to ban sex outright, along with other deadly sins such as alternate religion, the theory of evolution, medicine, common sense, realism and gravity. Adam and Eve are still denying claims that they participated in sexual intercourse.
It has recently been proved certain religious entities get rather a lot of dirty and slightly unpleasant sex. The ARCH DUKE OF HELL Belial is well known as a serial pervert (and for unfortunate connections with Gary Glitter). The Catholic Church continues to foam at the mouth while eagerly recording all of Belial’s vile exploits and touching themselves more than anybody else in history. Though some religions such as Reformed Catholicism allow blind handjobs.
Birth control pills are a means of having sex without having to worry about the spreading of diseases such as AIDS, pregnancy, and possibly the dreaded sexually transmitted disease, Cooties. The recently released "Flintstones birth control pill", issued to young girls between the age of 9 and 13 at elementary schools in Texas so that they can have sex whenever they want and not have to worry about getting pregnant. Another commonly used method of birth control is the Condom, a latex sheath placed over the penis (although some people mistakenly eat the condoms, thinking that is what they need to do). A new surgical procedure allows for men to opt to have condoms permanently attached to their penis, through a long surgery known as "knocking the guy out and using staples". Other people choose to have safe sex by having sex in two separate rooms. "It's really intimate", says a practiser of this form of sex, "we masturbate, and talk to each other on walky talkies." Similar to this is the act of staring at each other before debating the things you hate about each other. This has been found to be an effective method, unless one has a fetish for filthy words. Still others use the birth control method commonly called "poison", which prevents a woman from getting pregnant, and prevents the man from getting her pregnant, by killing them both.
Some people prevent pregnancy by having sex only with dead women, who cannot conceive. It is currently unknown if Rob Zombie was born in this manner. Whatever the case, people find that rotting, unembalmed vaginas and penises have a distinct aroma, like cherry pie, and delight in snapping into the slim jim, or burying their manhood deep into the desiccated flesh.
- Sex Goddesses
- Cock shock
- Barry White
- Oral Sex
- One-night stand
- Sexy intercourse
- Sex-specific Assets
- Sex scene
- Sexual repression
- Pope Benedict
- Battle of the Sexes
- Chauvinist Wednesday
- Your Mom
- Something you'll never have
- HowTo:Commit Adultery
|Best Thing in Existence|
4,000 BC - 3,000 BC
Yo' Momma Jokes
|Four-letter words (of various lengths)|
|The A Word • The AH Word • The B Word • The BS Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The other F word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Word • The K Word • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Other N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word|
You stick your dick in, you stick your dick out, and you shake it all about , you do the fuckey sex and repeat again!