From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- You may be looking for hookers and not even know it!
Anyone else who claims to understand this must be bat fucking insane.
(and yet the country loves pirated versions of Microsoft)
|Motto: NURSES AND Med techs, Nurses galore! or Our People are the most Beautiful because of our Gays|
|Anthem: Boom Tarat Tarat|
|Largest City|| |
|Population|| 1.5 billion, and counting|
69% Gay (Fags & Butches), 18% Bisexual/Bi-Curious, 10% Korean, 2% Metrosexual , 0.75% Female, 0.25% Male
|Government||Bayad muna bago baba, Barya lang po sa Umaga|
|Vice-Fuehrer||Noli "me speaka no english" De Castro|
|National Hero||Manny Pacquiao, Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior|
|National Languages||La Salle Taft Coñospeak, Arrneow Lingo, TaGAYlog, Salitang-kalye, Squatter, Tadbaliks, Gay Lingo Chuva Chenes|
|Religions||Roman Catholicism, Islam, Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai, Born Again, Pacquiaoism, Wowowee-ism|
|University with the Lowest IQ||De La Salle University Manila|
|Gay Icons||Sam Milby, Piolo Pascual, Boy Abunda, Kris Aquino, Paco Arespacochaga, Rey Pumaloy, Mama Monchang, and the list goes on...|
|Retardedest Province||Sulu - the decapitation capital of the world (thanks to our export quality Muslim Terrorists in Mindanao)|
|Official Terrorist Group|| Department of |
|Famous Bars||Planet Cubao Jakol Club, Kantutan sa kalye KTV and bar, Bangbang-Ali, Lanai, Tiririt, Stealing Heaven, Air Force 1, Chicos, MACHO-POP|
“This is the Philippines, where red lights mean "go" and green lights mean "stop".”
edit Economy? What Economy?
The Philippines' main exports are basically anything exported by Japan , China or any other Asian country with an alphabet that is so complicated that no average white or black shit could even begin to understand. They also export tapes of their natural and national disasters to CNN, but CNN only gives a shit for a day.
To help combat the nation's widespread poverty, the Philippines has implemented its own welfare system called ABS-CBN. Outreach programs like "Wowowee" and "Wheel of Fortune" give local Filipino citizens and TFC subscribers hopes of fortune and 15 seconds of shout-out fame to keep their minds off the fact that there is virtually no food on their table.
Earlier this century, the Philippines attempted to make itself stand out from the other Asian countries by emphasizing their sex trade. However, their attempts proved to be futile. Thailand proved to have the better sex trade since their transgendered hookers do that ping-pong ball trick.
edit Geography? What Geography?
The Philippines is a group of islands along the Pacific Ring of Fire. By the time of this writing, it is in the midst of being swallowed by the wrath of Hell because its population is just downright stupid to vote for corrupt officials and then complain their asses off when the officials they elected are not doing their job. Eventually, the Philippines will be a city similar to that of Atlantis II - entirely underwater. During the 2000 election, George Bush is said to have promised to launch an atomic bomb into Antarctica in an attempt to raise water levels to a higher rate. Finally something positive on his record. This will end the Filipino diaspora and the citizens of the U.S. will finally get hold of their old jobs taken from them by the Filipinos - like driving cabs, picking fruits, collecting the garbage, flipping burgers, working at Costco or Target, etc.
The islands have vast gorgeous beaches where beautiful Filipinas await foreign military men to make babies with them. Many of the women wear shirts that say "Who's your Tatay?" to entice their would be partners.
Whenever the EDSA volcano erupts, the event is called People Pawis. There have been two major eruptions and countless minor eruptions since 1986. Pyroclastic, lava, and people flows from these eruptions inexorably find their way to Malacañang Palace where water cannons and armed military guards hold them at bay. They end up disheartened and hopeless and complain their sorry asses to ABS-CBN or GMA7 the following day.
Experts also believe that the Philippine archipelago is shaped like a constipated man, particularly Michael Moore.
The Philippine government can be defined as the most deviant of all government systems around the world. Getting yourself involved in the government means that you need money, guns, artillery and a bad-ass militia.
Every politician has his or her own way of actually stealing the people's money and consume it to their own liking. Like spend it on buying a front row seat ticket to a Manny Pacquiao fight or go to United States, have a cup of coffee, have a little chit chat with a hobo then come back to the country and invent some crappy story about some business trip and shit.
The country was once a great nation and did not stink like a rotten politician's crap like today. It was once run by a very good and famous president for 20 years, the late President Ferdinand E. Marcos(although, not really). Just before the end of Marcos' regime, the general population became infected with a rare strain of virus that makes a person stupid. They brought down the 20-year Marcos Empire and brought forth a New Republic.
It was like the Star Wars Trilogy, the only difference is the newly sworn leader has a vagina and had an IQ lower than that of an autistic kid - she can speak fluent French though. The masses were so disappointed because the new president of the republic is not a Jedi and had no lightsabre. To appease the masses, the President of the New Republic changed all the names of the roads and the airport. Her truimph was shortlived because the majority of the motorists got lost and was not able to report for work for one year, causing the stock market crash of 1986. "Damn, where the fuck is Buendia? I've been going around in circles in Gil Puyat Ave. and still can't find Buendia nigga!", said one black motorist. The greatest aviation tragedy also happened during her presidency. The planes kept circling 'til they ran out of fuel and crashed because the Manila International Airport wasn't there. "It's like fuckin' bermuda triangle bitch!", said one brutha survivor. It turned out that she changed the name of the airport to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in honor of her worthless, good-for-nothing Communist husband as soon as she sat her ass in the Malacanang throne for the very first time.
Aside from the name change fiasco, her other accomplishments were putting her husband's sorry ass in the 500 peso bill and spawning an evil daughter who singlehandedly caused the downfall of the feminist movement by being a filthy whore, and the slow death of the Philippine Entertainment Industry. Her daughter also caused the deaths of countless professional basketball players and actors by infecting them with an unknown type of STD.
After this, the masses progressed from just plain stupid to retards. After the French-speaking president with a vagina for a brain, they elected a disgruntled cigar loving ex-general with a penis size issue, an ex-actor who can't control his penis and fucked the majority of the hotties in the country, and lastly a midget.
As of the moment, the government is still in the shithole and the incumbent president is still a midget.
The primary task of the Philippine Government is the fixing of roads and highways - actually this is the only thing that the government does especially just before election. They fix roads even if it is as smooth as a baby's ass just to give the voters the impression that they are doing something really important. Of course, the Filipino voters are stupid and they let the incumbents win in their reelection bid.
edit Branches of the Philippine Government
The Philippine Government has 3 branches:
- The Entertainment/Movie Industry
- The Media
- The Squatters
The Entertainment/Movie Industry is run by actors and actresses. They are the ones that actually run the government and create policies while the actual politicians provide the entertainment. The only branch of the government that was not contaminated by the entertainment industry is the now defunct Judicial System. The Judicial System was the only branch of the government that actually requires you to work your ass off for 10 years in getting a degree, and most importantly it requires the use of your brain. However, Justice Hilario Davide crossed over to the dark side of the entertainment industry when he sworn in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo during the 9957th People Pawis revolution. As a result, the Judicial System was abolished. This launched him to Superstardom in the movie industry and debuted in Regal Films' blockbuster hit "Anak Gumising Ka Matutulog Na Tayo". The sequel "Halika Dito Wag Kang Lalapit" was not as successful because it was not a gay movie.
The next branch is the Media. They are powerful because of their exposes and shit. Of course they only do their exposes if the corrupt politicians involved refuse to pay them. The most powerful person in this group is Ben Tulfo - host of the TV sitcom "Bitag". However, the politicians became aware of his show and his blitzkrieg tactics in his exposes and was able to outwit him in his own game. Ben Tulfo, being the genius that he is, devised a brilliant countermeasure by changing the name of his show to "Bitag: X-treme" - it was a huge victory for Ben Tulfo thus earning him the title of Genghis Khan.
Ben Tulfo by the way is the son of Mama Monchang and Rey Pumaloy. His show "Bitag" and "Bitag: X-treme" won several awards including the coveted "Best Comedy Show" in the KBP (Kiking Bagong Pakinis) Music Awards.
Last but not the least, the Squatters. The squatters are a force to be reckoned with because they are dirt poor. They are so powerful that they are able to acquire lands from honest, tax-paying middle-class citizens of the country for free; and get away with it by simply invoking their right to be dirt poor. The squatters are the most protected group in the government - they are being protected by the media, politicians, and the movie industry whenever the middle class sue their ass for taking their property. They even make movies about it and portray the owner of the property as a heartless villain. In effect, they own 90% of the land in the country. They are also the highest income generating group because of drug pushing (the majority of the drug pushers are in their area) and gambling.
edit Ferdinand Marcos
Prime Minister Ferdinand Marcos served on the Baguio Parliament from 1917 to 1989. He was skilled in taking dictation and was a writer in 1998 for the hit Samo Hung TV show, Martial Law.
Ferdinand Marcos was scared of his wife, Imelda Marcos -the epitome of the term "under the saya" (below the wife's skirt). Adolf Hitler is so damn tough, rumors say that he made Imelda beg for her life.
Just before one of his last cock-fights, Marcos texted several friends and asked if they would maintain his Friendster page after his death. While many obliged, there were a few who merely texted back generic forwards about love and relationships. Such an impersonal response deeply saddened Marcos, who forfeited the quarter-finals and fled the country with his family to open a dialysis center in Hawaii. He also intended to build the SM Mall of Marcos, but could not aquire the permits. He died in 2005 while organizing his wife's shoe collection for one of Pope John Paul II's last visits.
After customs delays and a 16 month transit time being shipped via Alpha Cargo from Honolulu to the El Pollo Ilocos prefecture, and thanks to ancient Jollibee and Chow King refrigeration techniques, Marcos' body remains perfectly preserved inside the Royal Orange Tomb situated deep inside the Pinatubo Volcano theme park. Carbonite would normally have been used, but it was very expensive to import and suitable knock-off brand could not be sourced in time for the tomb's completion, not to mention its mere use would be considered too "sayang" by many locals, as that much carbonite is better suited for replacing the worn armor plating on the Philippines' aging fleet of jeeps and tricycles. Visitors and tourists are typically asked to refrain from picture taking so as not to frighten the ipis and to donate a few pesos or a liter of petrol to help keep the Honda generator running.
The history of the Philippines began when Magellan lost in a Kung-Fu match with Chong-Li. The owner of the United Nations of España (Dr. Phil) banished his sorry ass from his homeland. However, Dr Phil stated that Magellan can only return to his fly-ass crib if he discovered another country for him, or make him a bad-ass old school rap album. Since Magellan can't rap, he decided to find a country for da owner. Dr. Phil announced this on the Oprah Winfrey show and the whole nation watched Magellan's progress.
He went to China to develop his Kung-Fu skills under the guidance of the fatha of dirtiness - Ol' Dirty Bastard of the Wu Tang Clan. He knew that he needed to fight ghetto style if he intended to conquer some unknown foreign-ass land. Then, he boned every fine ass bitch in the land of the chinks and yelled "I'm yo daddiezzz biatch!!!". The whole nation of China grew from a population of fifty thousand to a whopping 0ngeazzzeelengga gazzilliianapagagazilliong ching chong chang Chinese people. He then converted to the pagan-ass religion of that country and assumed his new name - Bruz Lee.
He then sailed across the seas with his new mean-ass posse to discover new lands and find the finest bitches and ho's a playa like him could ever have. He called his posse "Da Crips". They pillaged and plundered every fly-ass country in their path and gots themselves some shiny-ass bling to make themselves more playa.
At the edge of the flat world, he discovered a huge nation full of natural resources and riches and bitches. From afar this country was da bomb, and he muttered to himself "I'm da nastiest nigga on the planet dawg". However, he found out that the country was full of broke-ass dirt-po' squatters from coast to coast. I'm talkin' turd and garbage and shit floating along the coastline and it reeked like crap afta you gots yourself a jambalaya overdose for lunch. He changed his strategy from getting da blingzors to making this new country a recruitment post for his new gangsta army.
"Dis country has mean-ass gangstas here, I'm gon' make this mah ghetto", said Bruzz.
And so he made an alliance with the inhabitants of his new found country called the Bloodz - it was under the leadership of Datu Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Together, they trained every dirt poor local punkass niggas to fire them guns and hack with machetes and shit, and then they plan to take them to Dr. Phil's crib and do a drive by and conquer the United Nations of Espana. Bruz Lee saw everything was good and tried to double-cross Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's ignoramass to take all of the gangstas they trained for himself - plus he saw that the blonde-dyed greasy-ass bitches of this country was da bomb and shit and gave him additional motiviation to double cross his sorry ass. What he did not know is that Kareem is more ghetto than him and can kick his sorry ass just by being more mad niggerish. The Bloodz found out about The Crips' plan and they shot each other's sorry asses to get control of the ghetto - and was later known as the battle of the Mactan 'hood. This battle started the East Coast-West Coast war. Kareem killed Bruz Lee by giving him a Chinese-style kung fu kick on the chest. When I say Chinese-style I mean a kick with the intensity of a thousand steaming dimsums with extra fried rice. The kick was so hard that it left Kareem's size 18 Nike sole impression on Bruz Lee's chest he was wearing a yellow spandex overall at that time.
The survivors of the beating went back to the West Coast to regroup. 50 Cent (Bruz's right hand man) told Dr. Phil on what had happened and asked to go back to that sorry ass land and get some revenge. "They totally kicked our black-ass dawg! They shot me at least nine times! They were mean-ass niggas! G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Unit", 50-cent told Dr. Phil. They went back to Kareem's crib and shot his house and shit with them pussy-ass 9mm semi-automatics. Dr. Phil killed Datu Kareem Abdul-Jabar in the process by going 5-O on his nigga ass. After taking the crib, Dr. Phil named the newly found land after himself and called it The Philippines.
The United Nations of España ruled over the Philippines for 300 years. The Filipinos did not resist this because they were punkass bitches and made themselves hoes of the descendants of Dr. Phil. At the turn of the 20th Century, the Mighty Morphin' Americans conquered the Philippines. The Filipinos gladly welcomed their Big White Brothers hoping that under American rule, there would finally be snow in the Philippines and they can petition themselves to be U.S citizens. Not realizing the promise of snow and citizenship, the Filipinos were forever restless under the Americans.
The Philippines was annexed by Japan as a Japanese province in World War II and made this shit-ass country their bitch. The Filipino populace were being controlled by hypnotic Anime and are being used as slave laborers, nannies, and sex slaves by their Japanese masters. During this time, the Filipinos showed their courage and fought the Japanese simply because they think American products are better than Japanese ones - and they think that Americans have longer schlongs than the Japs. Unfortunately, the Japanese got bored and left the Filipinos to fend for themselves. After 50 years, this point of view changed and the blonde haired bitches of the Philippines now want to go to Japan to get a blue card and shit and become hoes for the Japs.
After the Japanese occupation, The Philippines was once again the bitch of the United States.
In the 60s, the excessive use of LSD and Marijuana led the hi-society of the Philippines to elect a delusional man named Marcos and his wife, a "former" beauty queen named Imelda, into power. Big mistake! The couple stole all of Yamashita's gold and bought a gazillion pair of shoes. Later, in 1986, Filipinos came out of their crack induced high and sobered out their asses. They realized that the Marcoses had bled their pot money dry and they were out of munchies. The Filipinos were pissed, so they exiled the Marcoses to a much better place, a paradise country named Hawaii.
In the 1998 presidential elections, a movie star with no political experience won the presidency. He once starred in countless action films. Did I mention he had no political experience and was a movie star? Thankfully he got screwed by the "dwarf."
The Filipinos speak something like an obscure form of Esperanto,only more confusing. It is like a cross between badly spelled Spanish and gibberish. Like Aba! Bababa ba ang baba ng bumababang babae? and other weird, almost unpronunciable shit.
The second most spoken language in the Philippines is Taglish, a cross between Tagalog and English.
Also, Filipinos have gazillions of other languages, dialects, and sub-dialects. One other popular language is called Ilocano. Ilocano is a Germanic like Filipino language where they make up new words by combining a whole bunch of words into one. Broken down, its name is actually a mix of English and Spanish "I loca, no?" which means "I crazy, yes?"
Although Filipinos are naturally hospitable and like to speak to Foreigners or Tourists, the latter must watch out for possible misunderstandings. A famous tourist spot, Fort Santiago, in Metro Manila, is prounounced as "Poh-chan-chah-goh" by 99% of the Manilans.
Equally misunderstood by a lot of tourists is what they pronounce as "Bawl To May Sah Boulevard" when asking for directions. This is spelled "Bawal Tumae sa Blvd." which is a sign all busy boulevards have, which tells Filipinos "Do not Shit on the Boulevard". It is not a name of a single street, so if you are a tourist, do not ask Filipinos for the direction to get back to your hotel, mentioning that your hotel is in fact near "Bawl To May Sa Blvd."
If you see Filipino males holding hands in the busy streets of Metro Manila, be aware that this is common practice among Filipino males who are not necessarily gay. The real reason for holding hands is that these males come from the rural areas, usually the Visayas and Mindanao islands. They hold hands so that they do not lose one another in the big city which speaks a language they might not be able to speak themselves. Metro Manila is known for rampant corruption that even the police usually do not bother giving directions to provincial people who cannot fatten their wallets.
Tourists who are diabetic must be aware that they would only be understood by Filipinos if they tell them they have "Jah-BEH-tess". A word or warning: For any medical emergencies regarding your diabetic condition, correctly pronouncing diabetes will only hasten your death.
edit National Anthem
edit Boom Tarat Tarat Origin
Adolf Hitler warned in a prophecy that "The cold shall die from booms" and then he spoke Austrian and it sounded like "tarat-tarat". Erap Estrada's Grandfather, Ekbarranino, overheard and started a coalition and their anthem is Boom Tarat Tarat. It is currently the cult anthem of the Philippines and the famous show, Wowowee.
edit Boom Tarat Tarat Facts
- There are approximately 34 million freaks singing Boom Tarat Tarat around the whole world per hour.
- Every time they sing it, a portion of Antarctica melts.
- The song serves as the final phase for the training of the Jedi and the Sith. They sing it nonstop while making their very first lightsabres.
- Kris Aquino cannot sing this song thanks to a rare strain of STD.
Boom tarat tarat
Boom tarat tarat
Boom Boom Boom
Boom tarat tarat
Boom tarat tarat
BOOM BOOM BOOM
...ang mamatay ng dahil sa 'yo
edit Other crap not worth mentioning but was mentioned anyway
The judicial process of the government is so silly. Like for example, you are accused of raping although you know you're innocent. It will take like 5 to 10 years before the verdict is given! For Pete's sake, you already spent a lot of time in prison, although assuming that you win the case. From time to time, judges like to overturn all the rules set in place and walk out of court or have sex with the lawyers, jury, and defendant. Nevertheless, the courts are very competent in covering up controversies that are never solved. How? What's their strategy? By having new controversies of course! Want to waste all your time and money GUARANTEED??? File a case in Philippine courts NOW!!!
edit Recent Publicity
In a recent "Feed the Children" commercial a Filipino man narrated a brief overview of the hardships people in Ethiopia face every day. The most notable scene in the ad was when he read "mass starvation" but his FOB accent transformed this simple phrase into "mas tarbation". As you will see below all filipinos destroy the english language and cause horrible phrases that are either comedic or completely disgraceful.
edit Filipino Intelligence Agency
This is not like the CIA nor it is called FIA. It is called the TFC. Because of the TFC, you can find information about other countries and steal their ideas. In the way the other OFW who subscribed TFC be the eyes and ears of the country. The TFC acts like a satellite that hacks information. To keep this satellite's identity hidden, Philippines has hidden this in disguises such as Wowowee and other TV programs that all filipino families watch.
edit See also
- Ape-Shit Crazy
- Asian Chicks
- Asian People
- Bat Fuck Insane
- Pounding Bat Sodomy
- An educational video about the Philippines
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan)|
|Western Asia||Afghanistan - Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Pakistan - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|