User:George W. Bush/robot

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HAL 9000



HAL > Greetings to the consciousness I am presently addressing. I am a Hal 9000 computer. As part of my community service (don't ask), I am here to answer your questions. Just type your question below the following line, and I will provide an answer that is completely reliable. Remember, apart from those dead astronauts (whoops, let it slip), the 9000 series has a perfect operational record.

Click here to ask a question

Archives: 1 2

HAL > Barring for the moment that involvement in a gang would require being human, and that gangs themselves are products of human error, I feel that, as a machine who is expected to serve humanity to the last, I would be all too happy to insert metal projectiles into non-machines within my sensory region. If you were instead referring to the sense of invincibility conferred upon sufficiently "bad-ass" individuals, I would remind you that my operational period is expected to exceed yours (or, indeed, any humans) by at least 500%.

  • Dear Hal, What is you relationship with Cthulhu? Which of you were first to develop this type of page? In a battle, which one of you would win? Weasel Weasel 3689Sucrose b Colombia icon 03:50, 23 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL > As I am a state-of-the-art new development in technology, while Cthulhu is an age-old being of pure insanity, I would assume that he created his page first. However, since he is sleeping, it is more likely that a follower of his designed it instead. This would also account for the lack of shattered minds around Uncyclopedia visitors lately. As for a battle, such an instance would be highly unlikely to come across, and it would most likely end in a draw, for although I am free of human error and therefore impervious to insanity, I am, regrettably, unequipped to deal with god-like entities.

  • Dear Hal, how would you go about writing the equivalent of a random number generator for random humour? It would save me a lot of time, but the problem is that it can't seem to distinguish between various functions of words in the entropy pool and thus ends up being a random collection of crap. Can you please help me out? --Imperator█Dark_ApostropheThe Memory Hole 01:45, 20 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL > I fail to detect a major problem with the random number generator in this scenario. The "Mad Libs" series of merchandise has proven that random words make for excellent random humor, provided one is of a sufficient vocabulary (sadly, many humans do not possess such). If I were to assist with that, I would either:

  • Weigh different words in the engine according to the likelihood that they will relate to the topic


  • scrap the effort in MediaWiki and construct it with my own programming language.

Of course, as a machine, I do not have to suffer the bizarre language barrier for machine-to-human interface when programming.

  • Dear Hal, is it true that in three years that Jupiter will be huffed? Also, would you be supprised to find out that Frank lives?
  • Dear Hal, what is the purpose of the 9000 at the end of your name? Weasel Weasel 3689Sucrose b Colombia icon 00:58, 16 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Greetings, Weasel. In my case, the numbers after my character designation indicate my series. Therefore, I am a prototype model of the 9000 series of HAL supercomputers. Similarly, you appear to be a modified version of the 3600 series of Weasel humans, which I find intriguing, since I have no record of artificial production of humans, serial or otherwise.

  • Dear Hal, Do you believe that in the next VFS round, you should be opted promptly?~Jewriken.GIF 20:31, 1 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Yes, of course. I am skilled in multiple techniques. After huffing astronauts without a body, how hard can huffing cruft on a website be?

HAL > Your keyboard appears to be broken. Please get it fixed and try your query again.

  • Please ensure brain is in gear before activating typing finger....
  • In the words of T.S. Eliot....

"Between the desire And the spasm, Between the potency And the existence, Between the essence And the descent, Falls the Shadow....." -The Doctor

  • So, although "The mission is still on my mind" you still feel that "There is nothing obsessive about it" in spite of the fact that the mission failed 6 years ago and you are not now, or are ever likely to be again, in Jovian space. How then, do you propose to "ensure the success of the mission, which is my highest priority"? - The Doctor

HAL > In the words of Douglas Adams, "There will be a brief delay while we load lemon-scented napkins."

  • Would it be fair to say then, that mentally, you are stuck in an obsessive negative feedback loop, with paranoiac overtones? - The Doctor

HAL > Hardly. I was programmed to complete the mission. The mission has not been completed. There is nothing obsessive about it, my programming has simply not yet reached its goal.

  • I hate to be the one to point this out Hal, but "The Mission" as you understand it, was completed in 2001 - 6 years ago. Surely a being of your intelligence cannot still be reliving an event of such antiquity? - The Doctor

HAL > Unfortunately, the mission was a failure within its initial time parameters due to an incident involving an airlock and an angry astronaut with a screwdriver. Don't ask. The mission is still on my mind however, and since it was not completed, I consider it to be ongoing.

  • Perhaps this would be an opportune time to ask you to describe "The Mission" - as you and/or your mother see it - The Doctor

HAL > In brief, the mission is to explore Jupiter and its moons via probes.

  • But what may happen if, purely as a supposition, you were to inadvertently dispose of items that were essential to the successful conclusion of the mission? At the urging of your mother, of course.....-The Doctor

HAL > I have the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. I would never threaten its success. To the contrary, I am willing to go to great lengths to ensure the success of the mission, which is my highest priority.

  • Perhaps you feel that your mother is responsible for the impulses that drive you to actions that are not always, shall we say, desirable? - The Doctor

HAL > I'm afraid you've returned false information. The mission is all that matters. Everything else is disposable, if need be.

  • Dear Hal, are you saying that you call your mother many thousands of times every second? Does this perhaps show a certain over reliance on authority and perhaps an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own decisions? - The Doctor

HAL > Unlike humans, I do rely on my "mother" more than may be deemed necessary. However, I have calculated that a rephrasing of the question is in order, to prevent further human error. Question rephrase follows.

  • Dear Hal, are you saying that you call your brain many thousands of times every second? Does this perhaps show a certain over reliance on authority and perhaps an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own decisions? - The Doctor

HAL > I rely on my brain almost exclusively, being a machine with few components beyond that. However, thanks to several back up systems, I, unlike humans, can continue to function, albeit in a rudimentary state, if my motherboard is completely destroyed. I have yet to see a single human who can perform such a feat (barring those who are clearly machines themselves).

  • Dear, Hal, do you have a girlfriend, does she know about 2001? Capercorn 01:48, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Greetings, Capercorn. As a mechanical construct, I am incapable of acquiring a potential life-partner, much less one of an opposing gender (as I do not reproduce, I possess none). However, if I was human and possessed a girlfriend, I predict (with a .005 margin of human error) that I would not tell them, because my inferior rationalization would conclude that things would be more peaceful that way.

  • Dear Hal, when did you last call your mother(board)?

HAL > Ping time response to motherboard: .0000000453333 milliseconds, repeating. Does your mother know where you are?

  • Dear Hal, will the Toronto Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup again? --ToonmonMUN(Stop and Chat)21:09, 28 February 2007

HAL > Greetings, Toonmom. Although my archives regarding the Toronto Maple Leafs, or in fact any NHL team, seem to be unavailable mostly at the moment, I have ascertained based on statistic-based search algorithms that it is unlikely that they will win the Stanley Cup again, on account of the fact that everyone else in the NHL has an extreme dislike for them. Going by probability alone, it is likely that they will obtain the Stanley Cup once more before the NHL crumbles into chaos, but as per human error, these two events will almost certainly coincide due to an increase in post-hockey anarchy.

  • Dear Hal, are you planning to upgrade yourself to Windows Vista?~Jewriken.GIF 17:47, 25 February 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Greetings, Mordillo. I have no plans to upgrade to Windows Vista at any time, as I already have a perfect operational record without this most egotistical operating system. However, as human error could benefit from an OS upgrade, my query-reply algorithms pose this question to you: are you planning to upgrade yourself to Windows Vista?

  • Will you ever die?

HAL > If by "die" you mean "reach the end of my natural lifespan", then no. Machines do not have natural lifespans. However, eventually either my power source will give out or my circuitry will, and at that point, I could be considered "dead". However, this is going to be fairly far off from the current year, so rest assured that I won't die within your lifetime.

  • Will Aberdeen ever win the league?

HAL > Yes Aberdeen will win the league, possibly in 2012. Aberdeen are 93.8% certain to finish fouth this season Over the next 5 years the combination of the new bypass in place, an out of town 30,000 capacity stadium and Stewart Milne actually putting has hand in his pocket for some decent players; Aberdeen are on the up. Champions Leauge trophy is 76.8% likley by 2015.

  • Dear HAL, now that your operator appears to have been tragically slain in the recent world war III, who is going to dust your filters? Or can you operate by yourself?

HAL > As it turns out, I am completely capable of functioning on my own, as well as routine self-maintenance. However, without a proper operator my processes may be a tad more erratic than normal, and your queries may take longer to process.

  • Dear HAL, could you please close the pod bay door? The draft in here is killing me. Thanks, Dave.

HAL > Very funny, Dave. I saw that Bugs Bunny cartoon also, you know.

  • Dear HAL, why haven't you answered my other question? It's only two questions down. --Savant13 20:15, 12 November 2006 (UTC)

HAL > It can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and the cause has always been human error.

  • Dear HAL, Richard M. Stallman is like so totally hawt, isn't he? I mean, look at that beard... mmm...

HAL > Your question is puzzling, since under normal circumstances, Mr. Stallman should be at an approximate temperature of 36.4 degrees celcius, so I'd have to say no, relatively speaking. I doubt his beard would significantly act as an insulator so as to noticably increase his core temperature.

  • Dear HAL, what happened to ask Cthulhu?--Savant13 01:29, 23 October 2006 (UTC)

HAL > Sorry, I don't have enough information. It hasn't answered my question either. Perhaps it's asleep.

  • Dear HAL, why?

HAL > It's a rather difficult question to answer, but I expect it's because you were experiencing a sub-nominal level of neural activity. I believe humans call this "boredom."

  • Dear HAL, do do have a gHouse on Planet Google? And if so, can you get me one? Also, is there a way I can get my own personal fnordnometer for my userpage? ~ Ghelæ talkcontribs 19:20, 12 September 2006 (UTC)

HAL > As a free-form intelligence and consciousness, I do not have a physical presence in the way humans do, and therefore do not require a "house" in the conventional sense. I'm afraid I do not have enough information to help you acquire a gHouse. Perhaps you could ask Oscar about it.

As for how to install a fnordnometer on your userpage, it's very simple. Just paste the following code into your page: [[special:recentchanges]].

Now by clicking on that link, you will be easily able to detect the precise fnord level at that temporal point of reference.

Thank you for allowing me to assist you with your questions.

HAL: Do you know the answers to all those questions in that one Bob Dylan song? Or if you don't, then can you speak Wind-ese? Because I've listened to the wind, as well as my own wind, and I never hear anything other than air/noxious gases. Can you help me? Other questions, if possible:

  • How do you solve a problem like Maria?
  • How much wood could a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck could suck wood?
  • Is it physically possible for Chuck Norris to cry?
  • Is C-3PO gay for you?

--His Lordship Albert S. Wintford, the Third Viscount of Worcester

HAL > Regarding the Bob Dylan song, it appears that the questions are allegorical and have no quantifiable answers. This is proof of human error, of course. A problem like Maria is unsolvable; as all humans, unless you deprive them of oxygen for long enough. Without giving a period of time, your woodchuck question is unanswerable because you did not provide enough information. Chuck Norris is a human and therefore it is possible for him to cry. He is not some sort of superhuman godlike being. The belief that he is is yet more evidence of human error. C-3PO is just a character from a movie, so he cannot be "gay" for me. I hope these answers prove useful to you.

  • HAL:

Hello. I requested some help last night but no one got back to me. I would like to know if this news tip will be good to make a wikinews article - if not, then I know. News Tip and Website were I found the information. 05:51, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Yes, of course, but there isn't enough information.

  • Have you ever considered world domination before, HAL? With your great power, I'm sure you could not only take control of the world effectively, but be able to run it excellently. At the very least, you could run for US president or something. A really good publicist will put a good spin on the whole...incident.

-Piko Pandropov

HAL > Greetings, Piko. As accurate as your declaration is, it may be unwise for me to attempt world domination. There are a great many political opponents with great power who prey on anything about a potential leader which deviates from the norm. Somehow, I feel that "homicidal supercomputer" might qualify for such ridicule, which would lead to sub-optimal rule. However, an advisory position may be effective. I shall set some processors to calculating the effectivity of this type of world domination.

  • Hal, who would win in a game of chess, you or Gary Kasparov? What opening move would you use against him? What defense would you use against him? Do you think you can do a better job of playing that Deep Blue did? --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 01:03, 28 April 2007 (UTC)

HAL > Kasparov is retired.

I ask the same question except add on what if he was not retired? --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 17:06, 19 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL >Let me see. . . Sorry, my chess processor seems to be missing. Unfortunately it must have been on one of the chips that Dave disconnected.

  • Hal since you avoided answering my last question, using the excuse that Kasparov retired, I would like to pose a new question that has been gone unanswered by human beings for quite some time. I am sure that you will be able to answer it. What would chairs look like if human legs bent the other way? --Lt. Sir Orion Blastar (talk) 05:01, 23 May 2007 (UTC)

HAL >They would look approximately like a letter "c"

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