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“Ghosts. Just rubbing their asses on my face makes me recall my slimy grandpahood. How adorable.”
“Ghost, ghost I know you live within me”
“In Soviet Russia, ghosts are haunted by YOU!”
Far from being the terrifying apparitions found in folklore, ghosts actually make affectionate pets and are very suitable for children, especially of the tv viewing variety. Friendly and gentle, child development experts claim they are better childhood pets than hamsters and/or grandmothers.
edit In Society
Ghosts have often been discriminated against. Such acts of racism include seeing right through, walking right through, running from, exorcisms, and ghostbusters. Years ago, when The Man was keepin' em' down, it was considered acceptable to call them "ghosts", "specters", "demons", and "Micheal Jackson". Today, ghosts prefer the term "Ecto Americans". However, no one quite knows when the Ecto Americans will be granted their right to vote.
edit Body Structure
Ghosts are by far the most complicated things in existence. Making a diagram of the ghost of a person would take eons because they are exessively messy creatures. Their body includes things that they don't need, except on Thursday or at their parties. (See ghost parties). Scientists have tried to figure out why ghosts are so transparent-lucent-unvisible, and in the Institution of Hell, former professor that studied the art of liberating poop into space so other aliens would find it, Professor McDoobie Fo Muzzle in his incredibly advanced lab found out. Using the most advanced technology in dog noses and frisbees, professor McDoobie jumped sudenly to a conclusion:
“I have been researching for years, and after bum-breaking effort, the conclusion is, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKIN' IDEA, SO STOP BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!” After that he went out to get a drink. He wasn not found ever again, probably because his mother grounded him for the rest of his life.
A ghost's body is realy slimey, soft and transparent, with many highly evolved organs like:
- Dead Embrionic Flamingoes
- Atomic Energy Generators
- Special floating device
- Drug provisions
- playboy mags
- Ben Wicht
Also, ghosts can float because they have their bodies filled with gas and tiny jetpacks, that and antimatter. Some people found out that they can go through objects because their speed is so huge that their atoms just squeeze through concrete. It is known that the houses of African Tribe People are made of dung, which is inmune to ghosts. There are several cases of ghosts that dies going through dung walls every year.
edit Feeding Habits
Ghost don't eat? Of course they do. If they didn't, probably there would be rotten ghost food all over the place, and this planet would be foul-smelling. Yes. Ghost food. It is made of the same stuff that ghosts are made of- transparent substance and their ability to float. Ghost food is produced when someone eats some food, that food dies and it's ghost comes out. This dead food's ghost dies and flies all over the house. One of the reasons ghost live on houses is because there's lots of ghost food lying around.
Ghosts go to the ghost bathroom! There is such thing as ghost poo... ...and ghost toilets.... ...or Evil Pizza.
edit Mating Habits
Ghosts every winter and every cold, extremely rainy and windy night make eery howling noises that to a human may cause their brains to send distress signals through their nerves to their asses so they crap their pants without really being able to control it.Regardless of how scary, male ghosts use this signal to attract giraffes, Bob Dylan and female ghosts too. If desperate enough, these ghost would have to resort to kitten huffing even though kittens do not have long necks such as giraffes.
After that, ghosts turn into Copula Mode. Naturally, like any couple, they will want their privacy, so before starting their mating activity, they open a hole in space using the strange force into the 98,234th dimension. It is unknown what happens there, or even what that place looks like.
Baby ghosts often are microscopic and are born in cuantities of billions per season. The babies are released in the 98,234th dimension, but then a huge dimensional flux happens and they come out through the earth's poles. That's how you explain the Damn Northern Lights.
edit Uses of Ghosts in Cooking
Ghosts are so good for giving that especially haunting flavour to your foods. Lesbians use ghosts when making sausage pie. Here are the instructions to make a Ghost-and-Sausage-Pie*.
1- Prepare all the ingredients.These are:
* Ghost Chops * Elepants * Sausages (make sure they were boiled in the pot of boiling oil in hell's torture chamber) * Extra spongy sponge * Bread * You
Just mix in a bowl and put in oven. Ready.
*Warning, killing a ghost will annoy the ghosts and they will sue you
edit Pet ghosts
It is wildly accepted that having ghosts as pets is totally AWESOME AND THAT ANYONE WHO TRIES TO ABOLISH IT WILL BE EXTERMINATED BY A HUNGRY PACK OF CARNIVORE LEGS THAT HATE YOU.
They are becoming increasingly popular, especially in places like the far lands of Yoomapoty and Elmer's Duck O Doom Island. You can find them in any grocery store in the section in where they keep fairies and octopuses toghether, and generally, it costs half a pizza to get one, and no signing papers are needed, because the chances are that as soon as you buy the ghost, it will fly away or haunt you. Ghosts make far better pets than many of the animals traditionally found in homes, such as dogs. They eat very little, are good with children and don't poo. However, ghosts do go through a short moulting period at the end of Winter when they shed their warm, luxurient Winter coat and may leave ectoplasm on furniture.
Do not confuse Ghosts with Ghost, or Ghoti.
edit Ghosts with feelings
There are currently known two types of feelings ghosts have. They are:
edit Sad Ghosts
Sad ghosts are rather whiney and complain a lot.
edit How to Identify a Sad Ghost
Sad ghosts moan a lot, a habit which is quite annoying. They just won't shut up, even if you hit them with a broom. A bit like children, in fact.
edit Happy Ghost
Happy ghosts are rather pleased with themselves, they are constantly giggling and going "boo".
edit How to Identify a Happy Ghost
They smile a lot (however they are not to be confused with Drug Using Ghosts, which often share this trait), they often go "boo" then quickly back away and start snickering (not to be confused with Demented Ghosts, which will often share this trait). Also, the happy ghost is the ultimate evil to the imperfect sheep because imperfect sheep do not like their happy disposition.
edit Ghosts In Machines
Ghosts are commonly found in machines. For example, the laptop I am currently using is haunted by the ghost of Anne Boleyn; and in 1978 an entire legion of ghostly Roman soldiers was found haunting a television set belonging to one Mr. Albert Scrofula of Burnham, Lancashire. Some famous machines are thought to be inhabited by ghosts, such as those in the following list:
- HAL from 2001 A Space Odyssey, haunted by Richard 1 of England
- KITT from Knightrider, haunted by Jimi Hendrix
- The cash till in Open All Hours, haunted by John Lennon; who, incidentally, wasn't even dead when the series was produced.
- Babbage's Analytical Engine, haunted by Cleopatra
As with all ghosts, holy water is an effective solution to ghosts in machines. In the case of a haunted computer, for example, the best remedy is to remove the hard drive, dismantle it, squirt the water over the platters, rebuild it and put it back into the computer. This is known to have a success rate of 98%. Interestingly enough, machines sometimes become ghosts. Servants at Buckingham Palace have reported seeing a ghostly Sinclair ZX Spectrum floating around in the kitchens.
edit Ghost Remedies
Exorcism is one favourite. A priest comes to the residence and after drinking a large quantity of alky-hol will parade around in traditional fashion chanting Bee Gees hits from the seventies. This has a success rate of precisely 72.9% for ghosts who were dumbasses in their former life.
Praying is the second most popular remedy. This is entirely uselss, as proven by the fact that closing your eyes and talking to yourself does NOT make things happen (after all, God can't exist, right? Ptbhtbhtbh to those knuckleheads smart people who think He does!)
edit Ghost Trivia
- Ghost poo can't be trapped by the Ghostbusters.
- If you ask nicely a ghost will give you piggyback but this will result in wet socks.
- Ghosts prefer turkey bacon to regular bacon because it is much too salty.
- All ghosts and leprechauns hate each other. No really they do.
- Contrary to popular belief, eating a power pill will not allow you to eat ghosts by walking into them and going "Wakka wakka wakka." It will, however, make you incredibly high; high enough that you'll probably believe you can.
edit See also
POW POW POW