User:Funnybony/Kriptonite (2nd Nomination)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Kryptonite?

Slab of Kriptonite found in Roswell, New Mexico. It weighs 15.7 KG, but on its home planet it would simply blow away in the breeze

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Funnybony/Kriptonite (2nd Nomination).
“I fuckin’ love the shit!”
~ Lex Luther on Kriptonite
~ Superman on Kriptonite

Kriptonite (Kryptonite in Soviet Russia) is a sickly-greenish colored extra-terrestrial element originating from the destroyed planet Kripton. Kriptonite has no known utility on Earth, apart from it’s use by sick-minded villains to counteract the strength and invincibility of 'mild-mannered reporter', Clark Kent AKA Superman, who is the only known survivor of the Planet Kripton. Therefore, on Earth, Kriptonite has no use other than fighting those who fight for truth, justice, and the American way. Kriptonite is unique, in that, apart from Superman, it is the only surviving remnant of the ex-planet's catastrophic explosion.

edit Composition of Kriptonite

Kriptonite is an unknown alien extraterrestrial material that is composed entirely of an unknown alien extraterrestrial material called Kriptonite. In Earth’s atmosphere it appears to be green, but experiments have shown that it changes colors under different conditions. For example, Kriptonite turns yellow when exposed to concentrated carbon dioxide levels, similar to the atmosphere of Mars; when the experimenters dropped acid, Kriptonite appeared paisley. Scientists speculate that it would appear red on Kripton, but they are not sure because it fucking exploded.

edit Specific Gravity / RI of Kriptonite

A kilogram of Kriptonite, by Earth’s atmospheric standards, is assumed to weigh 3.5 carats on Kripton, making it lighter than a feather on the planet of origin. However, there is a large 46% margin of error, due to the exploded and unmeasurable nature of Kripton's gravitational pull.


Close-up of Kripton taken from the Hubble Telescope. Take note that, since its untimely explosion, it's totally kaput now.

The refractive Index of Kriptonite is literally "off the refract-o-meter" and believed to be as high as the legendary Sri Lankan Naga-Mani (Snake Stones). This unfathomably high refractive index makes Kriptonite appear to glow when in Hollywood, Las Vegas, or at Bar Mitzvahs.

edit Hardness & Other Attributes of Kriptonite

Kriptonite is hardness 22 on the Earth’s Mohs scale, making it the hardest element ever not found on the Earth. It has no taste or smell when on the Earth, although it is said to stink back on it’s home planet, and taste bloody awful. Although inert to UV light, it is highly radioactive on Kripton, which really doesn't matter now because it's just fucking gone.

edit Planet of Origin

Kripton standards are no longer applicable because Kripton was destroyed and is no more. Except for rogue chunks and pieces that were blasted into all directions of space at the time of Kripton’s apocalypse, there is simply no more Kripton. However, scientists have used both Superman and Kriptonite as reference points to speculate qualities of Kripton that would normally be unmeasurable, as a result of its being exploded.

After three months of head-scratching and limited government funding, the scientists have concluded that Kripton was generally made up of "Kriptonite and other materials similar to kriptonite," and populated by "Superman and some other super-strong guys." The public, unsatisfied with this half-assed deductive reasoning, demanded to know where the $250,000 dollars of taxpayer money went. The chief scientist assured that it was all spent on "the scientific method," while he sipped a martini and flashed his grills.

edit Utility of Kriptonite

Because of it’s intense density when in Earth’s atmosphere, Kriptonite has no utility in any Earth industry. Although non-radioactive, and thus safe for Earthlings to wear, it is none the less unattractive, being non-transparent and of a sickly green hue. Kriptonite has no known utility on Earth, apart from it’s use by sick-minded villains to counteract the strength and invincibility of 'mild-mannered reporter', Clark Kent AKA Superman, who is the only known survivor of the Planet Kripton. Therefore, on Earth, Kriptonite has no other use than in fighting justice.

edit Contraindications of Kriptonite


Largest single block of Kriptonite is found in Mecca. Superman will NEVER join that religion

Proximity to Kriptonite weakens the alien powers of Superman, thus robbing him of his extra-terrestrial ability to fight crime. Causes sever weakness in the joints of Superman, and makes it impossible for him to fly in Earth’s atmosphere; Kriptonite also adversely effects his sex life. Kriptonite has no known influence on Earthlings.

edit Value & Supply of Kriptonite

“It's worth its weight in Superman!”
~ Alan Greenspan on value of Kriptonite

One kilo of extra-terrestrial Kriptonite sells for Amero 3.5 on Earth’s white market, where there are no buyers, and which is strictly controlled by NASA (as reported in the Daily Planet). But on the black market even an oz of Kriptonite sells for minimum Amero fifteen million. Its use by unlicensed evil villains is otherwise strictly controlled by international laws governing the possession of extra-terrestrial materials, especially Kriptonite.

The amount of Kriptonite which actually entered Earth’s atmosphere is scientifically unknown, although the area with the highest presence is believed to be The Metropolis of Metropolis. Otherwise its scarcity has not yet been determined.

edit Is Kriptonite Possession Legal?

  • NO
  • YES

I mean, it depends on WHO you are, and where you fucking live. Like, for example, if you're Lex Luther, well, then it's illegal. Lois Lane could buy it legally, but she doesn't want that dreadful stuff anywhere near her Superman due to the anti-Viagra effect it has on his, otherwise, SUPER sex life.

edit Kriptonite Facts

  • Kriptonite really DOES exist.
  • Although extremely thick and heavy on Earth, Kriptonite was used as wall-paper for construction projects on former planet, Kripton.
  • In spite of its super high-density, Kriptonite will float on land.
  • Kriptonite is known as ‘anti-viagra’ to Superman.
  • Kriptonite was used to treat chronic hard-on disease in Kriptonians.
  • In Earth’s atmosphere Kriptonite is highly non-radioactive and extremely inert .
  • Before going to sleep every night, Superman looks under his bed for any Kriptonite.
  • Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris think that using Kriptonite in a fight with Superman would give them an unfair advantage.
  • Timothy Leary claims to have smoked Kriptonite, and he is sad to report, 'no effect'.
  • Superman will not accept Islam because the Kaaba in Mecca is the World's largest single block of Kriptonite.
  • Kriptonite makes Lois Lane frown.

edit Also see

Personal tools