User:Frosty/WIP/HowTo:Write an article that stands no chance of being featured on Uncyclopedia

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“The secret is to use as many clichés as you can fit into one page of nonsense”
~ Captain Obvious on not writing featured material

Tired of receiving the fame of writing quality material? Think you're talents (or lack thereof) would be better used writing absolute crap? Well with this handy, dandy guide to writing articles that will never, ever, not a million years be featured, you can't go wrong! Of course I could just say produce a memorable one liner, Copy paste Wikipedia articles or simply write about that shitty English teacher that gave you a bad mark, but I feel the best way to produce, quality crap is too simply follow this guide which I wrote for you.

Now with 50% less in-jokes than your average HowTo guide!... With Savings!

edit Step 0: Take your "medicine"

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Drink up, you have an article to write!

This step is crucial, this takes place before you even approach your computer. You must numb the senses, most importantly of which is your common sense. Being sober will allow you to think straight, make witty jokes and generally string a sentence together. All three, are big no-nos if you want your article to never get featured. A casual beer here or there is often not sufficient you must be blind drunk (but not to the point you are passed out on your keyboard drooling and posting keyboard mash from the left side of your face). A half a bottle of whiskey, scotch or brandy is usually the way to go.

Drinking not only considerably degrades the quality of the words you are posting, but increases the likelihood of speling erors, [[fail|miss queued piping], and for those with a reputation on our fair wiki it will mean you will be able to "Blame someone else" like a true hero or heroes for the mess you may make.

If your not really into booze any elicit drug will do just fine, just don't mention Uncyclopedia or this little suggestion if and when you do get caught by the cops.

Right, now, can you feel the ethanol pumping through your bloodstream? Senses slowly and yet ever so blissfully dying away? Think you're Mr Confident who's funnier than people more important than you? Excellent! Lets begin writing our article. If you think you're too drunk then sober up, and repeat step 0 again, but then again if you're too drunk you're probably going to proceed anyway, so why bother even trying to stop you.

edit Step 1: Picking your topic

Angrydonald
How about: That one time, Donald Duck got mad at me because of <insert improbable scenario here>.

Picking the right topic for you is the key to your failure. Picking a topic on a subject you are familiar with, feel confident with or even so much as know how to spell, that you should immediately disregard it. You need to pick the most obscure, bullshit, mediocre and imaginary subject you can think of. There are a number of ways to do this. An effective method is to simply combine two words that come to mind without putting your brain into gear first. I'll do an example first and you follow my lead:

Example:
White + Supremacy = White Supremacy

HowTo:Cook + Shit = HowTo:Cook shit

And the list goes on. Of course the article may already exist, because most of uncyclopedia's tendency to have all its content formed via this cheap and effective method. Another way is too simply click random article on wikipedia and write a parody of the topic you land on, the stubbier the better. Other notable topics include: BUTT POOP!!!!, Fisher price, Julia Gillard, hate art towards an uncyclopedia sysop and other in-jokes that will soon be forgotten.

Right, got your article title all set out? We can begin to actually write the thing, which is where is starts to get really crappy.

edit Step 2: Write a crappy first draft

Ok, there are a number of ways to produce a crappy article. You can plain and simply not give a shit and simply throw something together in 10 minutes, string random words together via this or even so far as let your 5 year old son have some input into what you are writing. But the best way, to make it genuinely bad is to try and write good, more often than not when you try and write a good article it will turn into some rubbish article full of memes from 2007 that you forgot you inserted. This is called trying too hard, trying too hard is a key element for your success, I'd put that down in your handy, dandy notebooks. If you stumbled upon a random feature, 9 out of 10 of them were featured by accident or simply because some users blindly voted without actually reading the article, very rarely is true comedy created on uncyclopedia, with the intent of being funny. Like cat and dog, effort and uncyclopedia, don't go together. Period.

edit Step 3: Make your crappy first draft, even wackier!

edit Step 4: Image selection process

edit Step 5: Utilize old memes and in-jokes from 5 years ago

edit Additional tips

edit See also

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