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Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Melbourne?

It's so... unnecessary...

“At least its not Melbourne.”
“It's surrounded by Australia and Australia-like people.”
~ Captain Obvious on Sydney
“Sydney, Australia... the poor man's Disneyworld... Albeit far less involved with child molestation.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sydney

Sydney (also called that city downunder or simply The Ghetto) is the capital of Australia New South Wales (Damn ignorant foreigners) and the largest city within the great commonwealth of Australia. It is world famous for its big bridge, grossly unnecessary opera house, Parramatta and of course its lovely locals. It is located in the South East corner of this great nation and it again is not the capital, you ignorant British cunt.

There is of course, a lot to do for the international tourist, Sydney is a big city, and comes with all the regular perks of being a big city, such as the homeless, unreliable public transport system and most importantly you can get stoned as fuck at one of the many weed farms located in the South-West, or you can head up into the Northern Suburbs and get drunk with the boys at Gosford.

edit History

Sydney was founded by convicts and repressed English marines in 1788. Of course, at the time the British government just wanted, a cheap, vast expanse of land to dump their criminal surplus. Sydney was the first and largest prison colony of the day and took shape to the largest city of the day and today. Sydney however simply transitioned from being full of drunken sailors, to drunken losers, their fuel of choice from cheap rum to even cheaper beer. Of course those who live there will tell you, there is no place like it. And that is no lie, there really is no place like it...

Sydney historians and bogans full of Aussie pride will tell you it was a hard fought quest full of bloodshed, sweat and tears. This is pure bullshit, the majority of anything close to "warfare" was when two drunks get into a fight over a game of pool and a bag of peanuts.

edit Law Enforcement

NSW Police Corporation have long been a blight on Sydney's otherwise tolerable face. They started out as a big zit to keep convict founding-fathers from getting rampaged by Aborigines, and have in recent years morphed from benign tumors into huge metastasizing cancerous globules. They are better armed than 43% of the world's nations, and are known to frequent happy communities in Inner South and Western Sydney, laying the baton on the jaw of unfortunate young lads just coolin' in the streets.

Here are some quirky laws tourists should be aware of when they come to Sydney:

  • Everything is illegal to some degree
  • Walking too slowly is indicative of your weakness and you will be fined
  • Upon paying a fine, an additional fee adjusted for CPI is applied to the time taken to remove your wallet from jeans
  • Anything you may find fun is very very illegal. If there is a chance you may hurt yourself doing an activity then god have mercy on your soul because you are certainly causing offense to somebody and we don't put up with that european type shit here thankyou very much
  • Sucking your own John in public is legal so long as you are capable of it
  • You must ask a Police Officer to test your illicit drugs before receiving a certificate of approval to consume them
  • It is a civil offense not to bow to a public transport worker when mounting a public transport vehicle, although this law is seldom enforced
  • Anyone found not wearing a least one piece of Ken Done Harbor-Bridge-Motif clothing is either shot on sight or forced to watch that bloody awful ABC documentary about the "Eternity Man".
  • It is illegal for a straight person to be seen out after dark
  • Make fun of the Law Enforcement as much as you can, dress up as Usama Bin La-D!N and stroll into high security areas.
  • It is illegal to be of Middle Eastern appearance. Being of Middle Eastern appearance is punishable by handing over all your gold chains and mobile phones to Police.

edit Infrastructure and Transport

There is crap-all decent infrastructure in Sydney - the water tastes worse than Canberra's, the train system is a mess and roads are always gridlocked. But that's the price you pay for living in an important global supercity such as New York, Sydney, New York, etc. Did we mention Sydney likes being mentioned in the same sentence as New York?

edit Buses & Trams

Comfortable, affordable transportation. Transit Cape Breton gets you where you need to go in Industrial Cape Breton. A total of 160 buses and 80 streetcars provide transportation from North Sydney, Sydney Mines, Dominion, New Waterford and Glace Bay to the ever growing metropolis of Sydney. Heading to work or for a day of shopping, these clean, well-maintained buses and trams will get you there conveniently and on time. You can catch a ride ever ten minutes, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. So, there is no excuse why you should miss classes at the Colouring Book University or your work shift.


Transit Cape Breton Streetcar

edit Railways

Along with our 12 lane Autobahn, there is a class of high-speed trains that travel at 513 km/hr on electrified rails that provide a “State of the Art” passenger service link between Sydney and Halifax. A 105 bi-current locomotives and matching cars were specially designed for this task. There always has been a constant threat that “European” spies will steal the blue prints for these prized locomotives. There are two runs per day.

Sydney Hi-Speed Rail

Sydney to Halifax Run High Speed Locomotive at base of Kelly's Mnt

Sydney Terminal, is where all the trains go to to Terminate, before proceeding on there merry way. Other stations are Town Hall and Wynyard. then there is Circular Quay (pronounced as "Sirculaaaaa Key"), before proceeding to the stations 10m apart (or that don't need to exist), "St James", and "Museum".


Sydney Rail network map. The Chatswood to Epping line appears as a pair of breasts.

Also, if you're not quick enough to get out of the train within the 2.1 seconds that you have, you will find yourself on the line to Canberra and be stuck in the canyon with Ruddism fever tribes and his consultative groups until you're exasperated from ending further south when you started heading north because all the roads bend around in circles.

edit Free Payways

“To pass this section please pay a small toll of $280.50, thank you.”
~ Cross City Tunnel Commission on Profit

This is a misnomer, as there are no 'free'ways in Sydney. Every motorway has been designed so that there are several exits, all of which lead back onto the motorway, which, by a quirk of physics, goes back to toll gates and Canberra, where hapless drivers will be stuck for the rest of their lives. Also, every new motorway built by law must have toll booths every five k's - this can be solved with an electronic beep tag that keeps deducting from your credit card despite still having lots of credit. The only thing you get for "free" are traffic jams, delays, and crazy truck drivers that take up all lanes. One example of an excellent motorway is the M5 East Tunnel, which defeats the purpose of using a motorway by moving slower than the normal non toll roads.

There are many six-lane paved goat tracks. They turn the roads from four-lane to six-lane by repainting the lines, rather than actually widening the road. No, really. They actually do this. And you know what? It works.

The orbital motorways are just that, they orbit Sydney and never leave it. To leave Sydney you must get out of orbit, and then head west, but of course the only people who can afford to travel that far will never venture into the west, and hence you are trapped in Sydney forever. The last known person to have left Sydney by road is unable to comment, as he traded one hell (Sydney) for another (the Southern Highlands).

edit Cycling

Cycling in Sydney is a popular means of transteleportelation. All 24 of Sydney's cyclists will attest to the ease with which hapless cyclists can be shmowed down by deranged pent-up drivers in cars all over Sydney. If you cycle Sydney and are lucky enough to avoid getting squashed by a bus, semitrailer or taxi, you might end up with a free trip to the underside of the Bermuda Triangle after getting swallowed by one of Sydney roads' mysterious potholes and the energy vortex they produce.

edit Economy

Like most modern cities, Sydney abandoned its factories a long time ago. The chief activities of the city are attempts to steal sporting and cultural events from Seattle, the only other famous 's' city. The biggest success was the 2000 Olympics which Sydney took from the Germans after two bids. Now Sydney is ready to suck in the cash with evangelising young Catholics set to descend on the city like a ravenous swarm of locusts in the near future.

Sydney wealth

The Australian Bureau of Statistics presents its findings on the average household income in Sydney in a form more interesting than lots of tables and numbers and %.

Sydney's tradesmen are enjoying some of the biggest profits they've ever had. That's because there is so much to build. There are McMansions, freeways, hospitals, desalinization plants and shopping centres...

The second biggest industry is the latte trade, thriving on the upper-lower-sideways middle class. Everybody in Sydney is rich, or as the government tells them! In terms of the cultural exports, Sydneysiders currently manufacture lots of cheap Ken Done shirts and faux didgeridoos! Buy buy buy! Materialism! That's because the government tells Sydneysiders that they are all richer, and need to spend because if they don't, all the terrorists will buy those Gucci shoes and Polo pink shirts.

Sydney also produce lots of ridicule about Melbourne, New Zealand and people who live in South West Sydney. In all, the economy is extremely dependent on English backpackers, real estate and looking fabulous!

edit Sporting

Sydney likes to think of itself as a great sporting city but then it looks south at Melbourne and Canberra and then goes to the corner of the room and cries itself to sleep. Very few of its citizens actually get out to venues to see live sport, preferring to stay at home and watch on a wide screen acre wide plasma television, bought with 13 seconds interest free. The sports which are popular in Sydney are all known by three letter acronyms like: NRL, AFL, ATM etc. However it is worth noting that Sydneysiders are low-life bandwagoners and a sport which is popular one week maybe viewed as shithouse the next.

Sydney people once took Rugby Union seriously, until they kicked out a bunch of players who went to Canberra formed a team (the ACT Brumbies), and inspired by the awesome might of the city they lived in, soon won the "super" rugby competition. Thus began the conversion of Sydney to "the game of 13", so it is often said that people from Sydney apparently watch and play Rugby League (the game of 13). Rugby League was invented as practise to escape immigration officials during the 1950's and 60's. Any skill in Rugby League has since been removed so minds moulded by materialism can comprehend what's happening.

Everyone in Sydney really loves the Canterbury Rapists. One thing that makes Sydney residents blood boil is that the State of Origin has become so easy for the Queensland side that all the Blues have to do is think of an excuse as to why they lost AGAIN. Then they all go and rape a drunk chick in a nightclub.

edit Sydney FC

Sydney FC is Sydney's new entry in the Australian football/soccer league (or whatever the hell else Sydney newspapers decide to call it this week). They play in sky blue (Also known as rainbow, the city's official colors) and are characterised by having excessive amounts of ill-gotten cash from money-laundering schemes, so much so that they are colloquially called Bling-Bling FC. Sydney FC lost the AFL final to the South Central Coast Cowboys 91 (15.7) to 14 (Tries: Yorke, Ethnic Guy No.22, Ethnic Guy No.16, Goals, Yorke). They are noted for their semi-official anthem:

edit Sydney Swans

The Sydney team in the AFL. Some may find it ironic that though Sydney participated in one of the first 'non-Victorian' grand finals and claimed victory over hated Melbourne, they forget that the 'Sydney' Swans is really a mad artist's impression of what you get when you steal entire football clubs from South Melbourne and plant them in a different location. This has happened to many places since, for example Hawthorn to Tasmania, Fitzroy to Brisbane and Geelong to Tristan da Cuhna (just so some other team could win a grand final in 2008). They are noted for having no players who originate from Pluto. AFL is the game played in heaven - by idiots who have made it there by mistake. Crackheads from Perth play it. You get 6 points for kicking Sydneysider and 1 point for missing the Sydneysider.

edit NSW Waratahs

A team based upon the best talent Queensland and rugby league have to offer. They are called the Waratahs because they are "red" - the colour of Queensland and fragile like a flower. They were good once, but see above for the history of the amazing decision-making prowess of NSW Rugby Union, which led to the formation of the best rugby team in Canberra instead, thus forever scaring Sydney rugby fans and making those silly kiwi's laugh when Sydney-siders refer to the 'mighty' tahs

An activity, regarded by some as a sport, in Sydney is Quoosing. This involves all invloved (the entire population of Sydney) carying around 3 grenades. each of these must kill as many New Zealanders as posible. Strangely, it is the person who kills five million who is the winner. And that person is Eddie McGuire.

edit Landmarks


Crashed alien ships (former tramway depot. Now disused, rusting away.

No natural landmarks exist. No manmade landmarks exist either, with the citizens mostly roaming around in the sand or water (no beach, the water and land do not touch, as they dislike each other). The only existing landmarks are a pile of crashed UFOs (to this day no one goes near it, as periodically very strange sounds can be heard from it) and some sort of large scale steel rigging, from which multi-coloured explosives are periodically launched in superstitious efforts to appease the demons that would otherwise plague the city. No-one is quite sure what the hell this is all about, and Sydneysiders are determined to keep it under wraps or at the very least beneath a mound of tourists.

edit Culture

Each year residents hold the annual gay and lesbian mardi gras where all the queens in the known universe party through the streets naked. At midnight, each man inserts his genitals into another man until a giant chain is made reaching right through the city, ending with John Howard at Kiribilli house. Straight (or even gay) tourists are encouraged to travel to the city at this time.

In Sydney you're most likly to find bogans. Tips to tell is someone is a bogan: When greeted you here the follow "G'day mate," The person is carrying a beer and wearing thongs or 'flip flops'. Those who are born in Sydney who are not bogans either move to Melbourne, Canberra or overseas.

edit Fine Dining

Sydney includes a large number of the best known restaurants in Australia, news of food poisoning travels fast.

edit See Also

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