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“Aaaaw, how cute is he?”
“Dans mon empire, on me loue!”
Napoleon "Bonie" Bonaparte was a Dwarven emperor born in 1756 on the small island of Corsica. His father was Italian and spoke Italian; his mother was Italian and spoke Italian, and Napoleon grew up speaking Italian and learning Italian customs - which, of course, makes Napoleon Italian. This little fact never fails to piss off the French, and while bringing this up can be a lot of fun at French parties, it is just one of the many things that makes France a bunch of whiny little pansies to this day.
In his home island of Corsica, he spent much of the early years of his life fighting against French Imperialism. Um, then he became Emperor of France. 'Twas a simpler age.
His father was the highly explosive Napoleon Dynamite. Growing up in a town where most men stood at least 7'9", Napoleon was often teased as a child about his width. After many years of ridicule, Napoleon set off to college on the far away planet of Tatoôïné in hopes of a better life.
He left Tatoôïné and soon met with Yoda, in the remote Dagobah system. From Yoda, he learned to use Force and become one of the greatest (yet not tallest) generals of his time. He started numerous wars, notably the Napoleonic Wars, which he named after himself, because if he had called them the Trump Wars, The Donald certainly would have sued.
After many years of war, people began to realize that Napoleon was a fantastic dresser and soon he became a model. Since Real Men looked to him for fashion design, Napoleon opened up a small boutique of his own fashions for petite men (6'7" and under) called, "Shorty Pants for Men".
Napoleon, however, could not stand the pressure of celibacy, and started running around Paris in womens clothing, proclaiming that he was the Queen of France. At first the people were amused by this, some even turned on, but when he started biting them on the ankles to get them to pay attention to him, the men in white suits came and hustled him off to a safe place in the Bastille. This was when Dr. Guillotine invented the straight-jacket.
Napoleon went on to start a discussion group for men with "Short Man's Disease", for whom he had great sympathy. This is a disease that we still find prominent in today's society. You can find many men who suffer from this horrible affliction, but not one of them will ever compare to Napoleon Bonaparte, apart from the famous French impressionist, Toulouse-Lautrec.
He married his wife Pamela Anderson, and once became so lost between her breasts a search party had to be sent to retrieve him.
Napoleon naturally aroused the jealousy of other Europeans by being such a great (but small) guy in everything, from military to fashion, from politics to cookery. The British eventually grew weary of him, mostly because he was "so bloody French", as the Duke of Wellington put it. Napoleon was soon to be doomed; the British Hobbits and the Prussian Goblins, hopelessly aware of the fact that their haute couture would never match that of Napoleon, lured the Dwarven Emperor behind a loo filled with water in Belgium in 1815. They then tied him up and sent to the British colony of St. Helen, a place known to be sooo out of fashion.
Who murdered the little guy?
Napoleon died in exile in 1824. Later, traces of arse-nick were found from his hair, suggesting that he had a very bad hair stylist. Napoleon was shipped back to France; unfortunately he was shipped UPS and so was first sent to Iraq, then to Italy, then to England, then back to Iraq, and then finaly would up in France on the doorstep of King Louie XVIIIIIII, who placed him in that little rack inside the freezer where you keep the ice cubes. Eventually, during a raucous party which erupted into violence when it was pointed out that Napoleon was really Italian, he was found when the King decided to send ice to Iraq in yet another blatant French violation of the United Nations embargo.
Some historians have claimed Napoleon was murdered by poisoning, and it is much easier to agree with them if you want them to shut up, because let's face it, nothing's worse than a pushy historian. Although, reaching 700 pounds at the end of his life, there is a high chance he died of heart failure. The eminent Belgian detective Hercule Poirot soon discovered that Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candle stick. However, Colonel Mustard was never caught. The French police would be very pleased indeed if anyone could provide them with some information of the current whereabouts of Colonel Mustard. Just dial "1" and ask for Inspector Clouseau.
Some Little Known Facts About Bonaparte
- He doesn't want anybody else. When he thinks about you he touches himself.
- He is noted for creating an ice cream by combining three other kinds of ice cream.
- Before meeting his wife, he was often seen around Paris with Some French chick
- He was enthralled with the idea of talking dogs, and often painted pictures of them playing cards.
- His original name was not Bonaparte. He later dropped out an "U", an "A", seven silent "Q"'s and fourteen Ñ's from the original Buonaparte.
- He appeared in a cameo role in Cannonball Run
- He co-wrote Cannonball with The Breeders
- His film Napoleon Dynamite was the greatest thing for nerds other than masturbation.
- Debunked Oscar Wilde's First VCR Theorem
- He refused to begin any battle until he'd sung "November Rain" twice from start to finish.
- He was first sentenced to exile at Indiana University, which was overturned as cruel and unusual punishment.
- In 1911, he was resurrected as the American President Ronald Reagan, brought back from the dead by his Dark Master Cthulhu to star in dastardly B-movies and implement sinister neo-liberal economic reforms.
- One of his descendants, Napoleon XIV, was taken away to the funny farm in the 1960's.
- He was highly effeminate, painting the Leaning Tower of Pisa pink after he conquered the small town.
- Napoleon wore a black hat, and ate lots of chicken. Captured by the British, he was imprisoned on Elba, and died on the phone.
- Napoleon won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1970 with his original ballad My Perky Prussian.
- Napoleon can beat you at snooker
|Leader of France|