From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Dr. (it is a little known fact that he earned six PhDs) Jerry Falwell (Born: Long ago in a distance land, Died: During The Nappy-Headed Imus era in a San Fransisco bathhouse) was a fat bastard and famous mongoloid who re-instituted the hangman's noose in Lynchburg, Virginia (1956). He was also very famous for turning America from peace-loving, intelligent, and tolerant country into a land a fat fucks with a large prison population. He also gained national prominence through CB radio on the Old Time Moonshine Get Your Freak On Super Special Hour. After 1984, he served as Grand Wizard of the National Association of Independent Baptist Covens and a rectum--er, rector--of the University of the South. He was well known for his tolerant heart and openmindedness, and never said an unkind word about anyone, but boy, was he fat. He was notable for his threesomes with Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson. What a cocksucker.
edit Birth and Childhood
Jerry Fartwell was born in Granny Poon, a tiny town tucked back in the coal mines of West Virginia. His mother was his father's elder sister but it's widely believed that she actually bore the child of their mutual grandfather, whom she granted a 'mercy fuck' as he was dying of syphilis.
Growing up in Granny Poon young Jerry spent many carefree hours crucifying frogs, burning mice and small birds at the stake, and pulling the legs off smaller children. He also very much enjoyed having the buttsex with his mother. His family was poor white trash, but Jerry aspired to much more.
He wanted to be God's Son.
But instead, he became so evil that, upon dying and entering Hell, he will actually overtake Satan as the Dark Prince.
edit First Ministry
Having a reputation for Godly behavior, it was no surprise to the community when at the age of 12 Jerry was discovered "baptizing" half a dozen prepubescent girls in the Rust Fork of the Rabbit River. "Thet ole acid rain must have et their clothes off," Jerry claimed.
Good ol' Falwell did not have sex with these girls. Jerry just got off on torturing these poor girls. Falwell was all about the cock! The very sight of vagina disgusted him. In his first ministry, he went over and over explaing the evils of the vagina to his parishoners just so his parishoners can lead in their own homosexual lives. Jerry is a bad, bad man. The world is better off without that child molester!
edit Jerry Fartwell: The Man, The Mongrel Baptist, The Embarrassment
A major advocate of gay rights, Fartwell was known to attend Gay Pride parades, handing out chocolate-flavored condoms to on-looking children, putting the condoms on the kids, and demonstrating how they work.
In the late 1970s he became active in genetic mutations, founding and leading the Moronic Majority, a lobbying group made up of conservative half-humans. Falwell was also the founder of Lobotomy University (originally Hangman's Happy House) and headed a variety of educational organizations that include a genuine baboon on staff.
Outspoken and charismatic, his mostly gargantuan bone-headed opinions made national headlines when Martha Stewart wasn't doing anything. In 2001 he was vilified in the press for an appearance on Pat Robertson's That 700 Club, during which he blamed terrorist attacks in the United States on abortionists, feminists, the American Civil Liberties Union, bloggers, Riverdancers, longhairs, Republicans, people named Fred, Teletubbies, Oscar Wilde, the asparagus character on Veggie Tales, pog-swappers, Richard Simmons, and that guy who totally shot him down at the bar last night, saying "I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"
He later amended his statements, saying that Teletubbies were "kinda cool, pretty colours, sweet baby sunshine magic," before bashing his head into the wall, letting go a rebel yell, stripping to his boxers and proceeding to do unspeakable things in the Larry Flynt Room.
Falwell also cited predictions that the Apocalypse will be happening "Any day now" while rocking on his front porch and drinking moonshine laced with meth. He has even gone to state that he knows what the Anti-Christ will be "A man of wealth and taste, who's been around for a long, long year....and is most definitely a Jew". The last part however may be related to his severe phobia of Jews. It being reported that with even the mention of the word Jew caused Falwell to go very quiet, start wobbling, his nose to swell up, his teeth to move about, to go very violent, claw up the furniture and claim that he'd laid Mel Gibson.
In 2005, Falwell announced to the world that he accepted Mohammed as his personal lord and savior. He vowed to cleanse the world of "the Infidel". Then, on July 21, 2005 Falwell (renamed "Jameelah Mohammed") took his own life in the failed suicide bombing of London's Stockwell Underground Station. US President George W. Bush commemorated Falwell (Jameelah Mohammed)'s death by replacing Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the $5 with Falwell.
edit 9/11 Statement
Jerry said that God came to him and told him that he let 9/11 happen because not too long ago women left the kitchen and pursued careers similar to those of men in order to support their families. However, Lewis Black said that God called him twelve hours earlier and said that he let 9/11 happen because of people like Jerry Falwell. Sounds reasonable.
- “There is little doubt that he split hell wide open the day he died.”  (Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka Kansas)
- “Jerry Falwell saved me”  (Tinky winky)
- "It's a loss, not just for the Christian community, but also for the world in general. We'll miss you, Jerry."
edit Jerry is on his way back
Rumours persist among Rev. Fartwell's most ardent supporters that he is dead for the three-day period which is obligatory for all earthly messiahs. Watch this space for the latest news!
Jerry Falwell resented the fact that the teletubbies rap album, "Fuck up dat Baby in da Sun" went triple platinum, while his album, "I'm Fat" sold a meagre 20 copies.
The lyrics from the teletubbies hit single, The Tubbie Rap:
Yo, yo, yo, we be Dipsy, Lala, Tinky Winky and Po
Don't mess with us biotch or we'll fuck with your hoes
Tubbie custard, two times is all the more fun
We got a fuckin' baby in our mother fuckin' sun
It's the tubbie rap yo (tubbie rap yo)
So don't go on our turf
Don't get in my way
Pop a cap in yo ass and then go play
In the sandbox yo (the sandbox yo)
Cuz it's the tubbie rap, TUBBIE RAP
Dipsy is green, camoflauges in your eyes
He'll sneak up behind you, then buttfucks you, SUPRISE
La-La she's the man, no I mean that dawg
She's got a eight inch penis, and likes to sing along...
With the Tubbie Rap yo (yo the tubbie rap yo)
It's the tubbie rap (hell ya the tubbie raaaap)
Po, blood red, didn't start that way
Shanked a nigger in the fields frolicing away
That leaves one yo, the leader of the crew
Tinky Winky all my homedogs
He's a real mean Jew
With his ruby purse so fine
And his seven foot frame
Watch out for his schlong
It hits like a train
Ohhhh.. the Tubbie Rap yo (yo the tubbie rap yo)
It's the tubbie rap (hell ya the tubbie raaaap yo)
- ↑ Westboro Baptist Church press release May 15, 2007
- ↑ Tinky Winky’s farewell to Jerry Falwell
- ↑ Made you look.