User:Frinko/Captain Falcon

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“YES!!!”
~ Captain Falcon on Captain Falcon
“His punch is quite powerful.”
~ Captain Understatement on Captain Falcon
“Has he covered wars? I think not!”
~ Frank West on Captain Falcon
“FARUKON PANCHU!!!.”
~ Ching Chong Nip Nong on Captain Falcon
“FALCO PAAN!!!.”
~ Kirby on imitating Captain Falcon
“Captain Falcon? So is he like, the king of birds or something?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Falcon
“Hey, you oblivious moron, Captain Falcon is not only a bird brain! In fact, he is the King of Sky!”
~ Falcon Princess on What Captain Oblivious has said about Captain Falcon
“So I've heard this guy is quite camp.”
~ Captain Understatement on Captain Falcon
“Falcon Punch? Pssh, I can do better than that.”
~ Chuck Norris on Captain Falcon
“FALCON-DICK!!!!”
~ Captain Falcon on The above statement
“Man, this is my kinda guy. If he wasn't a poof, which goes against my religion!”
~ Jesus on Captain Falcon
“A Falcon Punch is the most potent source of energy in the universe. Type 1A super novas ain't got shit on this! FALCONNN PUNCH!!!! .”
~ RIKI on Captain Falcon
“FALCON DUMP!!!”
~ Captain Falcon on Going to the bathroom
“ Falcon Punch? Is that fruit punch with bird feathers? ...Yeah, I`ll have a glass of that...”
“ In Soviet Russia, Falcon punches YOU! ”
~ Russian reversal on Captain Falcon
“His theme song sounds like the Pokemon theme”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Falcon's theme song

Captain Falcon (also known as Captain Fabulous, John Barrowman, Gordon Freeman, Captain Victor Von Drilldick and Auron) is the main character in the F-Zero, F-One and F-Sixty Nine games. Although believed to have been born in Compton, Port City, he is actually a time traveler from the year 1337 who has come to the future to stop Ganon Hitler from destroying justice and love. He also may be immortal, because Captain Falcon never dies. His hobbies include showing his moves, flexing his pecs and drinking tea. He can Falcon Punch, Falcon Kick and Raptor Boost anything within the radius of 69 million kilometers. Using these attacks, he impregnates and aborts the fetuses of, every woman in that particular radius.

Captainfalcon
Captain Falcon, striking a sexy pose as he chases the guy who stole his porn.

edit Falcon's History

Car explosion
This is why you do not use Falcon Punch inside your car.

It is a well accepted theory that Mr. Falcon was the horrible outcome of the experiment of Nazi scientists injecting Chuck Norris's and Clint Eastwood's semen into a female falcon that was at the same time on fire. Although Hitler did raise young Captain Falcon (real name- Augustus Nixon Hitler) to become a nazi, after eating the trashed remains of an american cheeseburger left by an american soldier while on their trip to Japan, Falcon was inspirired by it and swore to become an american by any means neccesary. But at that same time the first atomic bomb was dropped, but while Hitler was disintegrated Captain Falcon was sent to the future. When he first arrived in the future he had wanted to change his name to 'Captain Eagle' but America had changed it's national bird to a falcon, so he became 'Captain Falcon'.

If you reverse the letters in Captain Falcon's name he is known as Faptain Calcon. 

This highlights his homosexual tendencies and when the letters are reversed in the sentence "Captain Falcon and his ray gun" it becomes Faptain Calcon and his Gay Run. Captain Falcon at age 20 was ruthlessly fucked in the butt by an officer on the internova planet thus resulting in his name. Captain Falcon was believed to have been born in Compton Port Town. This is not true as Captain Falcon was really born in Germany to Falco "no-pants" Lombardi and Captain Birdseye (Thus the name Falcon). The Captain had an extremely traumatic childhood and was furiously beaten by Birdseye whenever he went out drinking. To avoid going home to his alcoholic father, Captain Falcon signed up to the F-Zero league and won all of his races by distracting the other contenders. He did this by pressing his balls against the window of the Blue Falcon, his ship, hand braided from the pubic hair of Chuck Norris. This was when his soon to be enemy Ganon Hitler realized that Captain Falcon had a special power called "Dude you can drive really, really fast". Ganon Hitler wanted this power to create a clone of Captain Falcon so he could become the Ultimate Race King. This intrigued the Captain so he traveled in the desert for forty days and forty nights to perfect his driving skills and try to forget about his alcoholic father. This is when he met up with Kamina, an expert driver who also had a bizarre fetish. During his 34th day of training in the desert Captain Falcon was shot in the head. He awoke 3 days later. Upon his awakening, he entered more races and won. Chuck Norris eventually found out about the Captain's insane racing ability and the fact that he had stolen his precious pubic hair to build the best car in the universe. Chuck called to his minion Ganon Hitler and bestowed him with "UBER RACING SKILLZ OF JUSTICE AND LOVE" and transformed him into a Bull/Negro/Superman/Streetwhore hybrid called Black Shadow. As we all know however, Captain Falcon can not lose a race, and thus defeated Black Shadow. Furious, Black Shadow shadow leaped from his F-Zero racer to attempt to destroy Falcon. Realizing he was under attack, the Captain left his vehicle revealed his true identity as a SUPER SAIYAN. He unleashed his SUPER SAIYAN FALCON PUNCH and blew up a considerable portion of the galaxy along with Black Shadow. The events were then strangely transformed into an anime series by 4kids, which of course was ripped apart by friendship themes and love. He was also the first man to EVER defeat Chuck Norris with his manly and firm veiny nipples. He has a range of generic manly poses including his sexy ginyu force clone moves and the erotic teapot dance!

The Battle (from the anime, seriously, the real thing was so much cooler)


After witnessing this battle, it was decided that Falcon should become a part of the God Tier, which consists of Jesus, That Gender confused ninja, Boxman, God, Superman, and Stephen Fry. Most of Falcon's villains believe he is immortal. This can be cited on the F-Zero TV show where they say,"Capt. Falcon NEVER DIES!!!!"

edit Captain Falcon in the F-Zero Anime

In the F-Zero anime, Falcon meets King Kai who turns out to be his brother from another mother. It also appears that Falcon dies at the end after blowing up a portion of the galaxy with his ub3r f41c0n punch, however it was carefully staged as to deceive Chuck Norris who eventually found out anyway while watching Jetix on a Saturday morning. Lina Inverse later stole Falcon's move and renamed it Ragna Blade.

edit Captain Falcon in Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Read with caution, as you will asplode from sheer awesomeness

Captain Falcon sits down at a computer screen. He's gained weight since Melee... 9001 pounds to be exact. He sits at the computer playing World of Warcraft. His nipples are gone. They are covered by layers of fat tissue. His other muscle have deteriorated too. They are also now just fat. Captain Falcon's suit still fits though and it's tighter on him than ever... but that's not really a good thing now.

Captain Falcon suddenly gets an IM.

Sakurai: Falcon! Get off your ass! It's time for the Brawl!

This is what Falcon was waiting for! He canceled his quest party and logged out of WoW. It was time for a comeback.

Captain Falcon starts going through a tough training style. He does 1,000,000 Falcon Sit ups, the same amount of Falcon Push ups, and he runs a Falcon Lap around his Falcon House. He opens the fridge and determines he doesn't have enough Falcon eggs. So he goes to the source. Captain Falcon runs all the way to a farm in Alabama (He lives in Hawaii as his winter home). On the farm he forces the chickens with his mind to lay over 9000 eggs and to go get more eggs for him. Falcon gets the eggs and a giant bowl and makes the biggest protein shake the world has ever seen. He drinks the shake with his feet and it flows through his body replacing his blood. This protein blood becomes powerful enough to blow all of his fat leftover off and it flies into a meteor in space. Captain Falcon becomes his good old self!

The meteor aligns with Earth for a crash landing to destroy it. This is Falcon's true test to see if he's ready.

Captain Falcon jumps up, through the atmosphere and into space. He prepares his fist. It's time...

Falcon... P... p... p......

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWNNNNNNCHHHH!!!

Captain Falcon makes the meteor evaporate in a single punch. The massive explosion does nothing to him, but his massive Pawnch sends him hurtling toward the earth at 500km/ns. not being a fast enough rate of descent, he proudly shouts

FALCON KYYYYYIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!

Captainfalcon
Nobody gives Captain Falcon crap. EVER!

his manly thighs thrust the captain throttling toward terra, as the terrible turbulence throws all airborne creatures to the ground to explode in a terrific tornado of toxicity.

The camera shows Captain Falcon many miles above the stage, falling at a rapid speed, while playing a flaming guitar with his teeth. He gets bored and throws the guitar at a nearby mountain, causing the mountain to explode. Only instead of debris, pornography comes flying out of the explosion, which Captain Falcon looks at while eating raw meat, a cactus, drinking beer, and flexing his biceps.

He gets bored with the pornography, so he destroys it all with his chest hair, which he can grow at will. He finishes his raw meat, cactus and beer, so he eats the beer glass, like a real man. He still has quite a long way to go before he crashes into the stage, so he starts striking manly poses, while shooting bullets out of his iron nipples. These bullets explode upon impact with the ground, launching a flaming truck into the air, straight towards Captain Falcon, who slices it in half before it can reach him with the force created by him flexing his pecks.

As he passes the gas tank, which became detached, he falcon punches it causing it to explode with the force of a nuclear warhead. This propels Captain Falcon towards the stage at an incredible speed.

Captain Falcon crashes into the stage with a pelvic thrust, done at near the speed of light. He climbs out of the crater he created (with a brief freeze frame with a black stripe near the bottom of the screen saying "CAPTIAN FALCON"), and flexes every muscle in his body at the same time. The incredible force created by this kills everyone within a 500 mile radius, and every female in the universe climaxes.


When Captain Falcon grabs the Smash Ball.

WARNING- Mass effects of Epic win and pwnage in this section


When he starts his move, he yells his classic "FALCON" and goes on an Uber pwnage streak, KNEE-ing and FALCON Punching everyone...he moves so blindingly fast that all you see are flashes of light and the silhouettes of the defeated crying in agony. He then proceeds to pose dramatically, while an off-screen camera flashes, and every different Falcon pose he makes is framed in on-screen calendar showing off his Falcon pecs. After he's done with his epic pwnage, he jumps high off of the stage, so high in fact, that he reaches the moon.

He destroys the moon with a Mega FALCON pelvic thrust, thus destroying all that we know of Earth's only satellite, the debris proceeds to fall into Earth, entering the atmosphere at a terrifying rate. It hurtles toward the stage, and destroys everything in sight. The remaining characters have witnessed only a taste of the impending carnage to come...

Now that the stage has turned into a dead planet...Captain Falcon laughs heroically...and says "Show Me Your Moves!" The remaining characters do their most famous moves to best the Falcon, but to no avail, they cannot beat or even hope to match his manliness...

Because of this, Falcon deems the cast of characters unworthy, and flies into the sun. He dives right into the smoldering star, fearless, brave-hearted, and mightier than any other pilot that has ever lived...the camera zooms into Falcon's face showing his intense determination, and in one final breath, the Captain pulls back his EPIC fist and yells...FALCON....ANNIHILATION!!!!

He punches with the force of the Big Bang itself. The sun as we know it explodes, taking the last shred of hope the other smashers had to defeat the Falcon with it...and engulfs the remaining characters in an intense heat hot enough that even Charizard can't withstand it. The supernova destroys ALL on stage...and Captain Falcon reacts to the vicious death of everyone with an appropriate "Mission Complete!"

and if this epic Final Smash connects, all you hear from the announcer is...

GAME!!

edit Falcon's Most Famous Quotes

  • FALCON PAWNCH!
  • HYES!
  • CAAWMAAAWN!
  • FALCON FLAVORED PUNCH!
  • Show me ya moves!
  • Show me a moose!
  • Show me your shoes!
  • Show me your glue!
  • Show me your nudes!
  • Show me your boobs!
  • Show me your lubes!
  • Show me your tubes!
  • Show me your cubes!
  • Show me your moobs!
  • Show me your moo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooves! (search for Kirby Falcon Punch Deluxe)
  • Show me your moods!
  • Show me your pubes!
  • Show me your Grues!
  • Show me your poos
  • Show me your delicious manly spam javelin
  • Falcon Kick!
  • Captain Falcon NEVER DIES!!!
  • Captain Falcon NEVER DIES!!!
  • Chocolate Rai-FALCON PUNCH!
  • It's Over Nine-Falcon!!!!! (On being way more of a man than Vegeta)
  • I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here's my handle here's m-FALCON PUNCH!
  • HGWAAAA!
  • WHUUUUAR!
  • Never dies.
  • Why don't I ever blow anyone's head off with the pistol I carry?
  • Get a clue, bird brain. Its because it's got cinnamon swirls all over every bite! Falcon... CRUNCH!" (on Cinnamon Toast Crunch Commercial)
  • Never dies?
  • Any time not spent kneeing is time better spent kneeing!
  • I need some PUNCH!
  • Time to rape Graham Norton in his chocolate pencil sharpener.

edit Falcon's Enemies

  • Ganon Hitler
  • Michael Ian Black
  • Naruto
  • African Americans(this is later proven to be false since his lawyer is one)
  • John Dorian
  • Yo' Momma
  • Samurai Goroh
  • Samurai Jack
  • Cloud Strife
  • Uncle Andross
  • The red Bomberman
  • You
  • Yellowcard
  • Nixon
  • His Friends
  • Veggie Tales
  • Half the guys in Fruits Basket
  • Edward Cullen
  • Kentuckistan Fried Panda
  • Sexual Harrassment Panda
  • Master Hand
  • Crazy Hand
  • Master Foot
  • Master Penis
  • Master Bate
  • Master Shake
  • Joe the Plumber
  • EVERY plumber
  • Your sister
  • his sister
  • Wikipedia for listing him as "fictional". Has yet to be proven true.
  • Whirly Swirlamagig
  • Pikachu
  • Nike
  • Guys named "Alfonso"
  • Guys names that rhyme with "Alfonso"
  • Emos
  • Gravity
  • Jigglypuff, but this problem was solved due to Wario eating her on his last trip to Cici's
  • Kirby("ITS NOT "FOWLCAN PANCH"!,STOP TAKING MY HAT AND MY FUCKING MOVES!!")<--He only hates him for this reason.
  • Turkeys (hates any other type of bird)
  • Bob the Builder
  • Dick Cheney
  • Anyone named Bob
  • Bob Dull
  • Bob Dole
  • Bob's hole
  • Bob's soul
  • Bob's mole
  • Bob's Pole
  • Anyone NOT named Bob
  • Teen pregnancy
  • Abstinent Teens
  • Teens
  • Scooby Doo
  • Midna
  • Midnight
  • Voltorb (Go to the Falcon History library for more information on this)
  • Voltron
  • Encyclopedia Dramatica, since they don't like his pwn.
  • George Bush
  • Sonic the Hedgehog for being an asshat's hat.
  • Ganondorf, for being his true dad.
  • Chuck Norris, for being a sore loser after losing to him at toenail wrestling.
  • Himself
  • Tom Fulp
  • The Lone Wanderer (Fallout Series)
  • Your Face
  • Captain Hero (Drawn Together)
  • Nazi Zombies
  • Packard Bell
  • Apple inc.
  • Empire Magazine ("He didnt choose wisely")
  • Santa
  • Indiana Jones
  • Carphone Warehouse (For giving him a faulty phone - "Falcon-CONNED!")
  • Weegee
  • People named Captfalconn on WoW

edit Falcon's Theme Song

To the tune of the Pokémon theme song.

He wants to be the very best!

Like no one ever was


To Punch them is His real test!

To Knee them is His cause!


He will travel across the land, kicking far and wide!

The F-Zero Racers! To understand! The Power that's inside...


FALCON PUNCH!


Gotta Punch'em! It's uber leet

To Paunch is His destin-Kneeee!


FALCON PUNCH!


Oh, no one's His friend,

In a world He must upend!


FALCON PAUNCH!


Gotta Punch'em all!

Show Me your mooooooves!!!


His Knee will kill you too!

He Knee'd me then He Knee'd you!


FALCOOOOOON PUUUUUUUUNCH!!!


Gotta smash em aaaaaaaall!

Gotta smash em aaaaaaaall!


FALCON PUNCH!

http://www.esnips.com/doc/482f02a3-56e4-491d-95cb-552a4de119ef/New_Falcon_Theme

edit Trivia

  • When Captain Falcon was in kindergarten he couldnt eat at school because if he were to eat he would say "FALCON...LUNCH" and kill other kindergarteners.
  • Captain Falcon and Goku like to vandalize 'improve' several Uncyclopedia pages including Hayao Miyazaki and the anime articles.
  • Captain Falcon once called Sagat a corrupt moron. Ever notice how Falcon has no friends?
  • Captain Falcon is known to have the biggest collection of Popsicle Sticks in the known universe. It is still unknown to this very day why he collects them but many online conspiracy theorists believe he is building a chaos machine the size of George Zimmer's COCK (Don't forget the poor Tourettes who when they read the real word, they barf) to destroy Ganon Hitler's lair on the planet Funkotron.
  • Captain falcon beat Michael Jackson at a dance off....causing him to die
  • When dressed in white and pink, he is known as Captain Fabulous even tough if in fact, he simply stole the costume of his number 1 fan, Falcon Princess!
  • Captain Falcon never dies.
  • Captain Falcon is not a homosexual. Some people say that he's dating Samus in Super Smash bros. Brawl.
  • Captain Falcon CAN eat just one Lays potato chip
  • Captain Falcon is too sexy for his car!
  • Captain Falcon fire mah lazer!
  • Captain Falcon is indeed OVER 9000AAAAAND!


Captain mad
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America - Atheist - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video

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