“May The Farce be with you!”
Star Wars 7 (or Episode 7, or Episode VII, pending a decision on its actual name), is a movie to be released December 18th, 2015-ish (Depending on Harrison Fords broken toe) (It was his BIG toe) (See Harrison Fords BIG Broken Toe).
The 2012 purchase of the Star Wars brand, by the Disney brand, and the J.J. Abrams brand of directing, all folded together (with just a whisper hint of George Lucas) is on tap to be a delectable space omelet to the Star Wars starved masses. The announcement of the three biggest stars returning in Star Wars 7 from the original Star Wars, namely Chewtbacca, RU-D2, and C3PU, led to the anti-climatic leak that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford will also be returning. This announcement led to the panic inducing rumor that George Lucas was also returning, sending stock prices into free fall on Wall Street for 17 minutes until JJ Abrams tweeked "No way Jorge, Over my dead body!"
Trials, Tribulations, & Hazardous Movie Sets
Harrison Fords Big Broken Toe
"Oh, the humanity" - Anonymous stage set Carpenter
“The very second Harrison Ford walked onto the Star Wars 7 set, the full size prop of the Millennium Vulcan collapsed on top of him, injuring his big toe.”
Mark Hamill denied using The Farce to injure his more successful co-star, but a crew member said "Mark clearly had his fingers crossed when he said it...so" (The set is located at the Pinewood Derby Studios in England)The injury was not clear, and rumors were that the toe actually broke completely off. Now production has been delayed because of the broken/broken-off toe, and Carrie Fisher has been laughing and calling Ford "Han NoToe" ever since. The incident has completely sidetracked production, and a rewrite of the script has begun. Apparently, the report (Spoiler Alert!Spoiler Alert! Whoooo Whoooo !!!) is true, and the whole Star Wars 7 script had to be changed to accommodate Harrison Fords injured/missing toe. (They can't find it) A crew member asked Chewtbacca what happened to the missing toe, but he couldn't talk because he had his mouth full at the time. (Hmmmm Chewy' )
Is Mark Hamill off his crumpet?
Reports from the set were that Mark Hamill was heard yelling at the top of his lungs "This is STUPID!!! It's all about his stupid toe!!!" as a read thru of the newly rewritten script was going on beneath the Abrams cone of silence. Then, in a sick attempt to gain attention, and a more prominent role in Star Wars 7, Mark Hamill has been walking around the movie set telling people that his arm was cut off while eating crumpets at an English tea house this morning. Hamill, who sported a long sleave shirt, with the left sleeve knotted halfway down said "A knife slipped on the butter and whooosh! A r m gone ! !" When it was pointed out to him that he had his arm down behind his back under his shirt he only retorted "No I don't ! It's gone!"
Fans are encouraged that according to Producers, the special effects in Star Wars 7 are going to be less CG, and more actual locations and props and creatures, as they were in the original film. "The audience wants to see things that are really there, not things that aren't really there, because things that are really there, are really there, and not, not there, but are there, really, real like, there it is! Bam!!! " carped Kathleen Kennedy of Lucasfilm. Overhearing her remarks Harrison Ford chimed in "Yeah, that spaceship really, really fell down right on top of me...wait, why aren't we using CG again?"
- Production problems related to this new, old vision of movie magic have caused a near uprising in the modelshop that is tasked to build all of the model spaceships for Star Wars 7. "In the '70s there were a lot of model kits available to scavenge parts from, the selection now is really limited" Said modelmaker Skip D. Anchovi, "They loaded the effects shop with hundreds of plastic model kits, but on closer inspection, there are hundreds of the same 5 models to choose from - Ford Fiesta, Ford Mustang, Toyota Prius, Optimus Prime, and The Wankel Rotary Engine model. It's ridiculous." Workers are searching English toy shops for any other models they can find, but some minor changes in the appearance of the iconic spaceships, does sound to be a virtual certainty given the selection of model kits that are available in England. Tension seems to be building as production deadlines creep ever closer."We sent everyone out, and look what they bring me. Hadrians Wall models?! Buckingham Palace?! Big Ben?! And a hundred Beemer models?!! Beemers ! ! Oh, here comes Sith Sithy flying his scary, snobby, Beemer Ship !! Look who's better then you !!!" (Handlers took Skip away into an adjoining break area and chloroformed him briefly to bring down his blood pressure) Another worker in the modelshop took over, motioning to another area of the shop.
" Look here's a finished ship we made. It kinda looks like a TIE Fighter... in a Ford Fiesta kinda way" The problem was quickly resolved when Skips 8 yr old son "Hold" showed him a website full of Star Wars models that they can buy and assemble with relative ease. (Skips new job is Key Grip Coffee Assistant)
Unsubstantiated Script Plot - Rumors,Leaks, Or Balderdash?
“There is absolutely no reliable proof of any script/plot information.”
SPOILER ALERT !!! Or Not. The new plot line is that when Luke Skywatcher had his hand cut off by Dark Daddy's lightsaber in Star Wars 6, the severed hand was secretly recovered and put on ice for thirty years. Then Princess Layza had it attached to Hans (Harrison Ford) foot after an Imperial Walker steps on Hans foot in the heart pounding opening scene of the movie. One of Han's toes (The Big One) is then recovered by Sith Sithy, arch enemy of the Republic, who has it attached to his face (due to his nose being injured in a dangerous game of "Got Yur Nose" with a Vertillian Snerff Rat) Then, in an act of outright defiance, Sith Sithy yells at Han Toelow "I thumb my nose at you! Uh, I thumb my toe nose, with my thumb, and your toe as my nose! Right at you buddy!! ! ! !" (echo) ( Camera direction - pan back to lens flared, twisted, alien landscape)
Return of Jar Jar Stinks
An insider has revealed that Jar Jar Stinks will redeem himself to millions of irritated Star Wars Fans, by being a new super Jar Jar "WE felt that if given the chance, Jar Jar could win over the many angered fans. The problem we think was that he wasn't "Jar Jar" enough, so the new Jar Jar will be like "Jar Jar on steroids!". The insider continues "The problem was, that he was too serious for the genre, so we plan to silly him up to his greatest potential for Star Wars 7! And wait 'til you see what Disney spin-offs we've got in store"
- Talks with funnyman Jim Carey have given rise to the rumor that he will play Jar Jar, because CG has been banned from all consideration. (Except for George Lucas who keeps calling with "helpful" suggestions)
"Meesa like it alot, alot, alot" - Purported dialog from script (according to studio insider)
Casting Cloud, Concealed it is
- ~ Yota, The Bota Bag Bear
Concerning the long list of young film stars that have been bandied about as the purported potential sons and daughters of Princess Layza, Han Toelow, and Luke Skywatcher, namely - John Boyega, Adam Driver, Domhnall Gleeson, Oscar Isaac, Daisy Ridley, Andy Serkis and, Max von Sydow. Secret inside sources have thrown this theory into the Datooine Sand Worm Of Death. They will be in Star Wars 7, but not as the offspring of the original cast (They were all sterilized from the heavy reactor water that seeped into the Death Globes trash compactor) So what parts will these new cast members play? Pilots, robots, soldiers, aliens, you name it. The inside story is that very early on in the script reading process, the local English actors/actresses weren't working out. JJ Abrams was losing his patience with them, because they weren't reading the dialog correctly. "They can barely speak English" said Abrams, and they kept adding "Gov'na" to the end of every sentence. ("Your droids are here, Gov'na") Therefore, the entire English cast was let go, ushering in all of the new cast members listed above.
Death Globe Battle Station to return as Mega Death Globe
There has been unconfirmed insider information that the Mega Death Globe (New & Improved Death Globe) will make an appearance in Star Wars 7, to what extent is still unclear. Reports are that it is suppose to be much bigger then the original, and "flashes".
John Williams To Score Star Wars 7, Not the same John Williams
The sweeping Star Wars music by composer John Williams, who has scored all six of the prior Star Wars films, appears to be a thing of the past according to unnamed inside sources. Problems continue to casscade in production, in what some are calling an embarrassing mistake made by JJ Abrams. In the flurry of legal paperwork that was flooding over his desk, he accidentally signed a film score contract for Star Wars 7, with a different John Williams. The contract is binding, and cannot be reversed, according to sources. The screw up is now going to be marketed as taking a bold new step in the direction of the Star Wars 7 soundtrack. "I meant to do it" asserted JJ Abrams who was seen sweating profusely. The John Williams that Abrams contracted with is the leader of a small polka band ensemble, who are known for their limited success on the Sausage Circuit, as well as their hit song "I Polka Your Eye" that made "Americas Top 100" reaching number 98 for three whole weeks in 1982.