User:Flowerysong/299792458

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Dollars or Pounds? All this money for me?”
~ Oscar Wilde on 299792458


edit Definition

299792458 is a number. As it happens, a fairly high one. Not as high as a quattuordecillion or a junkie who has mainlined massive amounts of psychotropic drugs, but still high enough to be a physiological constant. 299792458 Volts/parsec is the temperature of light in a vacuum.


edit History

A Soviet psychologist named Albrecht Onestein formed a theory in the year 1905. He was fairly smart and had a relatively good looking wife who helped him with his teethbreeshing every morning. With her assistance he discovered that his knees were lower than his teeth, but higher than his feet relative to the point from which he was observing. Al reasoned that if this proved to be the case, the speed of darkness must be a constant because nothing can ever be faster than the darkness, not even the light. However, in order for this to be true all of the theories posited by Max Well in 1800 must be false, except for one: Electricity can still kill people. So Al and his German colleague Olbert Eisensteam recalculated everything based on the theoretical basis, which Ol dubbed "The Dark Side Theory". The two scientists had a falling out during their calculations, but after their reconciliation in March of 1907 published a paper detailing their work on what they had taken to calling the "Grand Unionized Force Theory", or GUFT for short.

“The Grand Unionized Force Theory rules.”
~ Herr Professor Doctor Doctor Mademoiselle Eisensteam on the GUFT, at a press conference in the Paris Hilton


edit What is the GUFT about ?

299792458 Volts/parsec as the temperature of light in a vacuum implies the figure 299792458 kg/m for the speed of dark light. Normal light travels at 1079252848.8 km/h; "unlight", also known as "imaginary light", has not yet been observed, but according to theory must be around 0.854297992 miles per yottasecond. Proving this requires a massive amount of math, but Al and Ol's paper shows that 299792458 is a very nice number and at one time was a prime number.

Additionally, the GUFT states that the so called "Dark Side" is the strongest, even stronger than the "Red Side". This made Albrecht Onestein very angry, because his country was based on the red side. Since he wanted to be the best of the best on order to save his country, he converted to the dark side and invented some weapons of mass destruction. The most terrible of the weapons Al invented was the "Comic Bomb", or "C-Bomb". He also invented the "Cosmic Bomb" but manufacture of this bomb requires 299792458 discrete components. Since the human race doesn't currently have the manufacturing capacity to complete even a simple test bomb, 299792458 is also known as the "holy number of worldwide peace".


edit 299792458 as a prime number

In the olden days, darkness was real darkness, not the namby-pamby darkness we have today. This primal darkness was stronger, smarter and traveled faster. But since its speed is limited to 299792458 there is only one possibility: 299792458 was a higher number back then. Indeed, the theory of relativity shows that 299792458 was (291889803 · 2^60090)-1. It was once thought that numbers were immutable; for a refutation of this archaic view, check out the paper on quantum fluctuation by number decreasing by William Eisenberg and Sadie Awking.

“The slower the darkness, the slower my enemies. So I will win this battle.”


edit The mystique of 299792458

  • Even the Greeks knew about the some of the secrets of 299792458. Abraham Lincoln (120 B.C. to 148 B.C.) who was the arch enemy of Plato (68 A.D. to 49 A.D.) calculated that the world will end in the year 299792458 B.C.E.
  • The Pyramid of Gizeh, also known as the Big, Wonderful and Great Pyramid was built in exactly 299 days with exactly 792458 stones.
  • The Lion King reigned for exactly 299792 years over 458 jungles.
  • Sauron and her spice girls killed exactly 299792458 people.
  • Pi once equaled 2.99792458
  • The game Counter Strike consists of exactly 299792458 Polypixels.
  • Oscar Wilde was quoted 299792458 times in the 29979th issue of the New York Times in the year 2458.
  • 299792458 earth people get kidnapped by aliens every year.
  • PokéJesus will be born made in 299792458 A.D.
  • The sum of the digits of 299792458 equals 55, that's the exact number of all known elements!
  • 299+792+458 equals 299*792*458 if 299 and 792 and 458 equal zero. This causes the black hole at the center of the galaxy.
  • 299792458 people live in France and if you sum their IQ scores the total is 55.
  • 2997+9245-8=12234, which is the median distance between the Earth and Moon.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects