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Naruto is the title of an on-going series by Junichiro Koizumi documenting the unusual hybrid world of ninjas and anime. In its exploration and analysis of the physics and laws of this world, the series tends to loosely follow the lives and behaviour of four ninjii. Other ninja often enter the scene as well, but are usually forgotten quickly as they turn out to be less
The series conception began when Junichiro Koizumi, while surfing the internets, stumbled across Real Ultimate Power. This refers, of course, to the Real Ultimate Power of Creating Awesome Documentaries, which Koizumi immediately put to use getting his hands on some wicked hash and throwing an awesome (documentary) party. He awoke the next morning, disoriented and debilitated, in the anime-ninja village of Cojona, and inexplicably accompanied by a film crew and a stash of recording equipment. Nine months later, Naruto - the series - was born.
Prior to the documentary's North American debut, several scanlation and fansub groups translated the series and made it available for free download on the internet. Despite North American companies'
undeniable perceived tendency to descend upon new brands like litigatious vultures prosecute fansubbing groups more frequently than Japanese companies, the issue ceased to be a source of discontent after the release of the English version, due to the excellent translations and universally renowned dubbing quality.
Principle Hybrid Ninja Categories
Sasuke (emotus ecchininja)
By far the most interesting being in the series, due primarily to his unusual heritage and history, which have led to him being the first ever ninja/emo hybrid. However, his dual nature raises numerous paradoxes. When confronted, does he cut his aggressor or himself? Is he scared of shit-scary ghost stories, or does he revel in the fear and angst they inspire? These are all questions that are raised and then discarded when the producers were too lazy to look for the answer.
Naruto (retardus swirlyninja)
The far less interesting product of cross breeding a ninja and a retard. Many wonder how this is actually possible in the first place, but naturally the series never makes any attempt to explain the event. Aside from an infamous ramen addiction, the retard-ninja is renowned for its distinctive attack style:
- Charge in blindly from the front without any use of strategy whatsoever. Get pwned. (Wield a pointy weapon for bonus points.)
- Attempt a technique from the vast accessible repertoire of approximately five, out of which three are of any conceivable use. Completly ignore the context of the situation and the probability that the enemy just might be omg fast and omg strong and possessing of a cheesy secret ability that the attack will only serve as a cannon fodder stage for the demonstration of. Get pwned.
- Duplicate self to myriad copies. Have each copy individually attempt steps 1 and 2. Get pwned.
- (Optional) Duplicate self into myriad copies, and stand there doing absolutely nothing while the bad guy picks them off one by one with balls of lightning or bone swords. Then actually wonder why it didn't work.
- Continue getting pwned.
- Have a tear-jerking emotional flashback.
- Repeat steps 5 and 6 while inside tear-jerking emotional flashback.
- Have the very disorienting recursive loop mercifully terminated by opponent countering with their own tear-jerking emotional flashback.
- Construct a plan so flabbergastingly dumb as to morph with the very simple action of finding the enemy to, by purely semantic logic, leave them dumbfounded.
- Attempt that jutsu. Sucky enemy eliminated DC-14, non-sucky enemy eliminated on a natural 20. Previous emotional flashbacks lend a cumulative +1 bonus.
- (Previously) Yaaaargggggh. Get angry, have eyes turn red, grow fangs, shout out in agony and despair, grow tail and red fur. Charge in. Unless you are either fighting Bebi Vegeta or are still in 2003 and in the midst of the chunin exam arc, get pwned.
- (Currently) Recall the damages of going all Yaaaaaargh. Refuse to go all yaaaarrggh. Pursue alternative source of power via training. Until that is accomplished, get pwned. Repeatedly.
Sakura (uselus prositutus)
Most likely spawned by Your Mom. Some kind of freaky cross between a prostitute and a ninja, except that, similar to a Pinja, she has inherited exactly zero of the positive traits of either.
Oh alright. If you must: Naruto Characters
The ANBU... Well, if you're familiar with that old saying about life where one day you're the fly, one day you're the windshield, these are the guys who never get to be the windshield. The NPCs of the RPG that is Cojona, they die in such awe-inspiring frequency and randomness as to give rise to theories of them actually being stick figures from the demented cartoon movie who have wandered into Cojona via an interdimensional crossover rift and subsequently recruited en masse to serve the crucial role of Cojonian cannon fodder. Another theroy involves Lord Voldemort cursing them forever. Not far from the largish stone bearing the names of Cojonians who have fallen in combat there exists a rumoured ten-mile-high obelisk which just barely contains the names of the ANBU fallen in battle in very fine print; the ANBU put in charge of recording the names often complain that they are having difficulties keeping up. They also often plunge to their unceremonious deaths.
In addition to the overarching general ninja laws, anime-ninjas are subject to a host of other rules governing their behaviour. "Naruto" attempts to document and analyse these laws by proving repeating examples of their application.
Fire Techniques and The ANBU vs. Katon Jutsu Problem
A longstanding issue in ninja science stems from a thought experiment in which a regular ninja attacks an ANBU by using a fire-based technique. By definition, the ANBU cannot withstand any form of attack without being wasted immediately; on the other hand, a fire-type technique is by definition ABSOLUTELY HARMLESS - even to grass, ice, bug and steel-type people. It results in nothing but a thick cloud of smoke which slowly disappears for the sake of suspense (has the target got away using speed? A replacement technique? Fire immunity? Instant transmission?). It has been mathematically proven that if in these circumstances the ANBU member actually survives then P=NP and the Riemann Hypothesis is false.
The Inverse Ninja Law still applies in this realm, however its effects are limited by certain conditions. In many cases, these ninjas have such a strong individuality that the Law of Ninja Strength is rendered ineffective.
On the other hand, generic foot soldier ninjii are still subject to the law, so they can basically be trounced by 12 year olds. The multi-clone attack plan of an ADHD ninja also seems to be subject to law in that all the clones are extremely weak and ultimately useless - then again this may just be their total inability to implement any sort of intelligent battle plan.
Flashbacks play a vital role in the arsenal of any anime ninja. Simply triggering one will allow said ninja access to near unlimited strength, speed and intelligence, at least for a few seconds until it turns out the opponent's super-secret-awesome-jutsu-power nullified the whole thing. Every single problem can be solved with violence and emotional flashbacks. When pressed into a corner, close your eyes and have a flashback.
The Law of Gravity
...is more of a suggestion, if you will, a guideline.
- You must always tell your enemy what your super secret technique is going to do to them.
- In order to do a technique, you must always announce it in a very loud and clear voice.
- The most efficient way to carry out covert operations is by being dressed in bright colors and running around on trees.
- Projectiles of any sort are useless. There is no such thing as firearms.
- Child abuse and training are the same thing.
- Dolls, gigantic fans, flutes, sand and pieces of paper that explode make very good weapons.
- You are helpless to turn the tables on an opponent as long as the cool music doesn't come on.
- On the flip side, your instincts and ability to put up any sort of fight are immediately * nullified the moment the scary music comes on. If you hear Lord Voldemort's ~fight~ theme (essentially Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor on steroids) you're SCREWED.
- It is common sense to send twelve year olds to do battle against professional terrorists.
- Crushes NEVER go away on their own. And you MUST have one or you're not a complete human being. Pine, you pitiful Americans, pine.
- You are powerless to make any difference without a tragic childhood to fuel your anger.
- Never trust your family members, no matter how nice they seem. They are either 1: There to oppress and traumatise you, 2: There to go on killing sprees which may or may not include you, 3: Dead or 4: Any combination of the above.
- "Death" is merely a temporary condition of quantum superposition where it is unknown whether you are dead or not until finally a watcher collapses the wave function and you turn out to be alive after all. Exceptions are rare.
- Some things are just better with holes in them. Pipes, for example. And cheese. And plot.
- Ninja battles are the #1 cause of deforestation.
- 90% of the world's wars, death and property damage are due to overgrown traumatized children becoming crazy supervillains and could be pre-emptively nullified by counseling.
- Don't run away or go back on your word. It's your ninja way of life... haha, sucker.
The second season of the documentary series was aptly named "the fillers", due to each episode being absolutely "filled" with fantastic educational content. This season changed focus, so as to now follow the evolution via natural selection of the various hybrids in the anime-ninja world, all in real time. Over 1,250,000,000 episodes are planned over the next 25 million years.
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