User:Faggle/Archie's Astonishingly Above-Board Antics and Aristocratic Aardvarks, I Mean Adventures

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"The Aristocrats!", said Archie to the man sitting behind the desk. "Oh, buggering dicks."

"Oh, nice. Congratulations. You just ruined the joke before it even got started. I mean, not only did you just give it away at the start, I'm not even a talent manager. I'm just a man who happens to be conveniently sitting behind a desk - three miles away, and counting, from the travelling circus."


"I mean, why would you just walk into an office and assume the person's a talent manager? Some of us could be busy having sex on the desks, you know."

"Well, outside the building it does say Talent wanted, Apply within." Archie felt uncomfortable as the man at the desk suddenly began focusing on him.

"On second thoughts, you'll do," said the man. "How do you feel about starting tomorrow?"

"Starting what?"

"A job of course! Come," the man put his hand on Archie's shoulder and led him up a corridor. "We have much to discuss."

Archie was led into a dark room filled with smoking, topless men. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he had a good feeling about it all.

When he reached the end of the room he noticed two details. One, there was two doors sitting either side of a wooden table. Two, there was a teenage boy laying facing the wall on his stomach, on the table, naked, with his legs spread. Three, the boy was his son. Wait, what?!

It was beginning to look like Archie would never get his job serving nachos in the travelling circus.

"What's going on?" demanded Archie. "Why is my son lying legs akimbo on your lovely mahogany table?"

"It's simple," replied the man, "We've been setting you up all along. We understand that you are an Illogicopedia user?"

"How the hell do you know me?"

"Oh, we know everyone. For we are... Wikia." All of the topless men walked out from behind him and stared at him balefully. "We understand you were one of many who endorsed the users leaving the site? Well, this is what happens when you fuck with a capitalist establishment, boy." Archie stared ahead like a rabbit caught in headlights. The man continued, pulling out a camera stand from a corner of the room.

"What you are looking at, aside from your own son's quite pleasant bubble-butt, is a maze. In each room, you have to engage in a sexual activity with the person or animal in it. First is your son, then your wife, then your daughter, and finally your pet dog Woofie."

"Isn't that a bit convenient? That sounds alot like the gag I just ruined earlier in this story."

"Look, we've got to claw our way back somehow, and you're not helping by breaking the fourth wall, so shut up. Anyway. Each of these acts, all of which will increase in difficulty as you move along, will be filmed and put up on the internet. But that was obvious. The twist here is that you have to pick a door: behind one will be one of your cock-hungry family members. Behind the other will be... DEATH."

"Oh god!"

"Yeah, and that's not all! Oh, crap, actually, it is... Well, get cracking then, dickface!"

Archie gulped and proceeded. I'll spare you the details, suffice to say that his young, innocent son was well and truly anally wrecked. Also, he bled a little, seeing as it was his first time and everything. Yeah.

Each time, he managed to find his way into the room with his family, thus avoiding death, until eventually he reached the end.

He stumbled out of the door blindly, his face covered in various excrements, his shorts soaked in blood and pus and with scratch marks all over his body.

He was happier. Not because he'd defiled every orifice available of his spouse, children and loving pet (RIP), but because he'd survived through the worst horrors imaginable to man.

Later, he was on his computer, when he found that his CV had been changed without his knowing:


edit Employment history


  • Greys' Recruitment Consultants, Administrator (1982-8)
  • Burger King, "Assisant" (1989-90)
  • Burger King, Manager (1990-2007)

edit Roles in films

  • The Aristocrats! (#17). (Lead star)

edit Epilogue

Death sat politely outside the door, stroking an aardvark.

"Sometimes I wonder why I bother starring in these things," he muttered to no-one in particular.

"You're telling me," said the aardvark, "At least you got asked. Yeah. Nice to meet you, by the way, my name's Hindleyite."

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