User:Estarapapax/State of the Philippines
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Are we suppose to add three stars?”
“No, they can't be American idiots. They are American indios.”
“I can see China from my rest house.”
“Be prepared. The greatest menace of all has come to America.”
“We English more and learn. Philippines is belongs to America already, no, state I mean. So we communicate people in them very well.”
“Divided we stand, united we fall”
The State of the Philippines (Esteyt op di Pilipins in Tagalog) is the 51st state of the United States of America. It gained statehood in February 31, 1994 after pro-statehood Philippine government threatened to pull all overseas Filipinas working in America. Americans, fearing the shortage of Asian vaginas, accepted Philippines to the Union.
edit Path to Statehood
In the beginning, there walks a primate in a cave somewhere in the Ancient Philippines.
When the US Congress approved Philippines' statehood, General Fidel Castro Ramos along with seven million men, whose Filipina wives were always fucked by Americans in the mainland making them stand against the statehood, stormed Malacanang, the White House of the Philippines. They killed all pro-statehood officials in Malacanang. However, the US government was able to evacuate pro-statehood President George H.W. Bush, the 41st US president who later married a Filipina and moved to the Philippines, started his career in Philippine politics, started the pro-statehood movement in the Philippines and ultimately won the Philippine Presidency.
Ramos installed himself as the new President of the Republic of the Philippines, Dictator of all Dictators and Supreme General of Philippine forces in the Philippines. Afraid of losing support from majority Filipinos, US quickly installed Bush as the new Governor of the brand new Philippine state. US raised its new flag having an additional star.
edit Philippine War
US quickly sent its forces to the Philippines. It includes the most elite, most technologically advanced military units and most war-tested soldiers to the Philippines: Wyoming National Guards, Vermont State Police and the JROTC of Brien McMahon High School of Norwalk, Connecticut. The result: Philippine victory.
Apparently, some MIT hackers hacked the hack-proof-but-still-hackable computer networks of US Armed forces. They replaced the list of most formidable military units to be sent to the Philippines. They did it as a welcome for their new Filipino brothers but other Americans, angered by the deaths of thousands soldiers (soldiers who thought they'll just do some medical mission in the Philippines), have expressed their anger against the MIT hackers. Americans want them to be executed. And seconds before their deaths, one of them said, "We are not computer codes. We can't be executed. We can't even be compiled." Bang!! And that's what these MIT martyrs got. MIT have actually built imposing statues of the martyrs. A text below the statues reads, "Geekiness to the end."
And so the first futile US assault to the Philippines was followed by massive and well-coordinated attack force. Now, it composed of the true elite forces, from Delta Force to NYPD Swat. But Ramos is clever. He has a plan. Ramos mobilized all Muslim Filipinos to the coastlines. The Muslims were told that they'll just need to observe the sunset and after that Christians and Muslims will finally earn peace. The idiot Muslims believed. They waited. And waited. And waited. "Hell, if we're to observe sunset, how come the government ordered us sit here and from from 6am?", someone uttered. No one answered for they are idiots. They're too idiots they don't know the answers. The US Special Delta-to-Omega forces arrived. Before landing on the beaches, they saw the unusual line of people along the beach. Unbeknownst to the Muslims, Filipino soldiers are in their rear. They fired to the ships. The US fleet counter-attacked sending missiles to the coastlines. That killed thousands of Muslims. Filipino soldiers recorded the whole thing and distributed them to the Muslim world.
Muslims all over the world retaliated. Al-qaeda, Taliban, and others emerged. They attacked United Sates. Suddenly, the nation the land of peace and prosperity, the land of flowing semen and honey where every men are intoxicated with large tits and wild sex, became the the new Walt Terrorland: attracting terrorists from all over the world, be it Muslims, Communists or PETA. It's a great theme park that its area encompasses the whole US territory and that its rides were highly innovative: United Air, American Air, and any xxx Air you can name.
US negotiated with Ramos. The solution: Two governments in one territory. Ramos' Philippines (RP, yeah he changed it. It should have been Republic of the Philippines) is independent. Bush's Philippines, the State of the Philippines which this article is all about, became the 51st state of the United States. When a person in the Philippine says he's an American, then he aligns himself with Bush's Philippines; if he says he's a Filipino, then he aligns with RP; if he says he's from the south, Oh god that's a fuckin' terrorist.
Philippines is surrounded by water, so no country surrounds it. That makes it hard to locate where the hell the Philippine state is.
Philippines climate varies as the effect of Global Warming, and Global Cooling, a global phenomenon happening only in the Philippines.