User:Erratic Communist/EVE Online

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edit WARNING! Yes, it's for you too, <insert name here>!

This page is saved from of one of more redeemable versions of EVE Online article, which went down in cleansing flames of VFD. If you're a humanoid with a sense of humour, feel free to edit it so someday we can put up a real EVE article up, but for Cthulhu's sake add JOKES, not UNFUNNY WHINE STUFF that brought the original article down. This version is still

1) Too long.

2) Full of whiny crap.

3) Suffers from poor formatting.

4) Isn't as funny as it should be.

I will try to rewrite it sometime, and so should you. That's an order.



“EVE was an enjoyable experience, until I had the misfortune of entering 0.2 space on a whim and my brand new Vexor was immediately destroyed by pirates. Three months of mining Veldspar all gone to waste!”
~ Oscar Wilde on EVE Online

EVE Online is a commercially-driven persistent-world massively multiplayer online game (MMOG) set in the deep reaches of space in which players pilot pretend to pilot spaceships. It is allegedly developed by an Icelandic company called CCP, but there's precious little evidence of any actual development. EVE is known for being a fantastic, well designed online game that was intended for a select few people (mostly Scandinavians and Chinese). CCP has moved to expand the player base as of late in order to give existing players new targets to kill. Unfortunately, the game's quality dips steeply once downloaded.

edit Background

The fictional background story is unimportant, drawing on the best traditions of clichéd science fiction which involves humanity going to another galaxy to fuck it up as they did with the first one. There are five stereotyped races, Minmatar, Caldari, Gallente, Amarr and another unimportant race.

  • The Minmatar are a race of Jamaican rappers high on kittens. They were originally enslaved by the Amarr, but then they bravely dismantled the central heating system on Amarr Prime, stole all the chewing gum and duct tape from the shops and used the resulting stuff to build spaceships. Since Amarr were freezing, the Minmatar had little trouble gaining their freedom back.
  • The Amarr are religious zealots that will, simply put, cleanse yo ass. They are the only race in Eve to use pew pew lazers, but since they haven't developed AAA batteries, they suck. They usually wear hoods so they can cry in peace.
  • The Caldari are a communist supercapitalist state that is ruled by megacorporations. Their lifelong concern is earning cash at any cost. Judging by the half-assed design of some of their ships, they don't know what to do with this cash. They just want to have it.
  • The Gallente are the annoying horny liberals of Eve. Ruled by a successor of George Dubya Bush, they fight for the freedom of all mankind in Eve by any means necessary, including mass genocide of civilian population. Though Gallente are equally annoying to anyone in the galaxy, they haven't been destroyed just because they're the only source of porn in Eve. They also have quite cute chicks, but since in portraits you can't see the juicy bits, it doesn't matter.
  • There is also a non-player race, The Jove, which is there to ensure that there is at least one thread a week is created on the official Eve Online forums asking when the Jove will be playable. The Jove are famous for managing to be emo and bald at the same time. Their numbers are at all time low, since their tampering with DNA and Evanescene music caused them to develop the Jovian Disease - the incurable emo sickness that causes the victim to slice his wrists within a few days. They can still kill you, though.

The Eve universe is split into three areas, Empire, Low Sec and 0.0 (that's spelled Zero-Zero, dumbass). Empire is where most of the more or less sane people live doing missions and crafting random stuff. People called Nigel who in real life work in quality assurance, wear brown lab coats, carry a clipboard and talk in a whiney voice inhabit Low Sec, keeping an eye out for morons who travel through this unsafe space alone. Then they kill them and make them quit the game, thus doing a good job at keeping the level of idiots much lower than in World of Warcraft. 0.0 is mostly empty, but when you stumble across a player, he will be 37 years old and still living in his mom’s house. Or, you can stumble upon a bloodthirsty mob on its way to battle another bloodthirsty mob for control of nothing. Either way, you'll get killed.

Eve is unique in that all players inhabit the same space instead of different servers. This makes it easier for veteran players to seek out and destroy new players. This is accomplished as the new player's ship is immobilized, and slowly destroyed with lasers or missiles as the veteran players send taunting messages. Once the ship is destroyed, the player is left encased in a pod for a brief second before that too is vaporized and the player killed. When a player "dies" his spirit moves to a clone and his body is left floating in space, a frozen trophy for the veteran player who ganked him.

It is widely theorized that the Eve player base hasn't changed at all for years as newer players are routinely weeded out by older players. Soon, new people realize it will literally take years of fruitless grinding to accomplish anything, all the while enduring constant ridicule and ostracization by veteran play....

However it also must be noted that when a bunch of goons from SomethingAwful.com came into the game, they ruined it completely by actually putting up a fight against the veterans and winning. Such a horrible and disgusting act has earned the newly-founded GoonSwarm a reputation of exploiters and hackers. CCP gets petitioned by about 11000 players daily requesting immediate ban of all GoonSwarm members, expulsion from their respective home countries, raping of their wives and selling their children into slavery to farm ISK (which stands for Iceland Supporter Kredit and having even one of these obliges you to worship Iceland three times a day. Or else you get banned).

Quafe
This is Quafe. A shitty ripoff of Sprite that is out of stock since the glue that was supposed to hold the Quafe label on the Sprite label turned out to be shit

edit Gameplay

Eve could quite possibly be the most complicated MMORPG in existence. This level of complexity does a fantastic job of keeping away retards who play games like EverQuest, Bejeweled, The Sims, or Deer Hunter. Unfortunately, those with the intellegence and patience to navigate the intricate character creation process and lengthy tutorial are soon beaten and humiliated by the existing player base forcing them to log out and can...

Eveship1
Screenshot of an Amarr Armageddon-class Battleship. A new Eve Online player can expect to fly one after about a half-year of playing, though its life expectancy doesn't go past a week unless you play another two years.

edit Skills

The accumulation and development of skills in Eve Online is one of the things that sets it apart from other MMORPGs. It is also one of the most irritating things in existence. Instead of earning experience, Eve players purchase and upload the skills into their brains. While this sounds neat, like when Trinity learned to fly a helicopter in the Matrix, it is more like watching old people fuck. It takes from 30 minutes to a week or more to learn a single skill meaning it can take months to accumulate the required skills to fit and fly certain ships. Never mind trying to survive as veteran players will soon destroy you, take your worthless stuff and sport your freeze-dried corpse in their cargo hold. The skill system was designed to discourage new players from playing Eve On...

Well, actually it was there to prevent powerleveling. It worked, the powerlevers were forced to use bots and dig asteroids instead to sell the profit on Ebay.


edit Economy

The developers are really chuffed with the Eve economy. It is totally player-driven. Third world farmers mine and run missions to generate the in game currency (ISK) and sell it on Ebay to get a bowl of soup for dinner. This is then bought by western pilots to buy cool stuff. Alternatively a CCP developer will spawn a BPO which allows easy ISK creation, though this process is reserved only to the chosen ones. Unfortunately, new players fail to make much money in Eve as mining, trading and item manufacturing are all controlled by veteran players who conspire against new players and discourage them from play...

"WARNING: in order to make money through contracts, you MUST make private contracts when selling stuff (this way you won't have to pay ridiculous amounts of tax). Its too long to explain this here, but ask people in Jita (the market hub of eve) on how to sell stuff with private contracts, and they will help you (prolly through private chats). You can worship me on your knees and give me all your stuff for saving you so much ISK later."

The above, found posted on this very website, is an example of the kind of misguided, condescending bullshit help a new player can expect from a veteran Eve player. Notice that even though you are told to go ask someone else and no substantial advice was given, you are still reminded to thank the person for giving the advice. Some suspect that subliminal messaging is at work here.

edit Ships

Instead of "avatars" as is commonly found in other MMORPG's, players in Eve are represented in game by the ships they fly. They can range from small, easily destroyed Frigates and larger, easily destroyed Cruisers, to massive, easily destroyed Battleships and Battlecruisers. There are also easily destroyed ships bigger than space stations called Motherships and Titans. New people however will never own or even see one of these huge, powerful ships as they are very expensive and the majority of existing players frown upon other, newer players learning or having fun. Special, extremely powerful Tech Level 2 ships called Interceptors, Heavy Attack Cruisers and Command Ships have been placed in the game solely for the amusement of the existing player ba...

edit Combat

Malediction
A Malediction Interceptor. A great ship, but useless if you have no friends, the veterans discourage you from flying it. Come to think of it, you can actually kill something! Isn't it horrible?

The combat in EVE is largely discouraged, because your ship gets permamently destroyed and nobody will give a fuck if you cry over it or quit the game. There is little real fighting involved, it's just choosing a target and blasting it with all your weaponry, or get blasted by someone else's weaponry instead and watch the remainder of the fight from your pod. There are also some other opportunities in battles, such as repairing your fleet's ships or jamming the enemy's sensors, but that will get you blasted faster than you can say "s..." Seriously, you expect to stay alive when there's a hundred of ships that are better than yours firing at you?

edit Guilds...goddamit, they're called Corporations!

Guilds are called corporations in Eve online. Corporations can then glue together to form Alliances. The vast majority of alliance players are Nobody Cares Bears and thus don't give a fuck about the official policy of their alliance, preferring to shoot everything that moves and moving and shooting everything that doesn't. The purpose of alliances is to grab as much space as possible and preventing new players from venturing alone, without escort into the dangerous 0.0 space. The alliances help the lost players find their way back to secure space by killing them.

edit Warfare

Certain alliances, bored with pushing around new subscribers, find they have no one left to fight but themselves and declare war on each other. These wars may be fought in Empire space or in 0.0 but really there is no difference. Warfare of any sort is a spectacular show of hundreds of ships lining up against each other and succesfully crashing the server. The battle is considered a complete victory if the server bursts in flames.

edit Piracy

Piracy in Eve consists of people who are sick of mining and just want to blow miners up. This practice is highly frowned upon and constantly persecuted by CCP. Piracy is also a veiled attempt by veteran players to prevent new players from playing Eve, or an open attempt by new players to prevent the veiled attempt by veteran players to prevent new players from playing Eve.

edit Mining

Mining in Eve is nothing similar to World of Warcraft. Instead of running around in search for mining nodes, you just turn on your lazer beams and read your porn magazine for about 6 hours, provided that you don't get killed, bored or fall as..lee...

edit Mission Running

Probably the only chance an average player has of making money free from interference by the assholes already playing for years is to run missions. The downside is all the missions are more or less the same and the rewards are small. Fly here, kill this, go get this, all for a small amount of isk or 30 worthless slaves (unfortunately, Hot Coffee was too hard to implement in Eve). Every once in awhile you will get a mission called "Worlds Collide" whose sole purpose is to clog the local chat channels with "got WC, ned hlp plz." as well as making you lose that ship you just bought. Mission running gets old after the first completed mission and usually on the way to the final waypoint you... fall... asle..

edit Idiots... Mentally Challenged Persons

It is widely accepted that Eve Online was developed as a form of psychological torture. Eve is a brilliantly crafted game with a fun premise in a unique world without all the stupid, played out elf and dwarf bullshit associated with fantasy titles like World of Warcraft and D&D. While this seems like a haven for gamers who wish to hide from the millions of retards with computers found at other MMORPG's, these gamers soon find EVE is not such a haven, as it is populated by other, considerably less friendly and, surpisingly, more intelligent retards with computers.

edit Boredom

With few things to actually do and enemies being either too easy or too hard to kill and a veteran player base that fucking hates you, the average EVE player will find the majority of their time playing the game spent docked in the space station, browsing the market for shit they can't A) buy or B) use, searching for agents that A) cannot be used B) suck or C) fucking suck, listening to the chatter on the local or corp channels (usually frutiless since nobody ever talks on local or corp channels except for scammers and ISK sellers), tuning in to Eve-Radio[1] (also useless since nobody can make out what these guys are actually saying), or just looking at his/her/its ship, finding it both ugly and useless. Or just useless, since recently CCP hired a real designer who was able to design a few ships that are actually as cool as Star Wars ships, except that they cost so freaking much and demand so freakin much skills that it will take you over 300 days to learn to use one. It can take a lot less, but won't, since every new Eve player screws up their character attributes. No, you're not an exception.

But sometimes if you're:

  • Married and hate your wife. (Because she has an account of her own and killed you recently)
  • Over 40 and still a virgin (applies to females too, unfortunately)
  • Don't have a life (TM), which is a prerequisite for all games by the way.
  • A hindu priest (on a fruitless quest to unite all alliances and bring peace and enlightment to EVE)
  • A Russian that takes pride in being better than this game. Russians are awesome. Or they're assholes that sell ISK to feed their families. Depends on your own allegiance.

You might enjoy 0.0 warfare, which is basically shooting stationary towers (called POS'es, acronym for Player Owned Shit) for a while, log off and wait until the tower shields run out of fuel (strawberry cupcakes), then log back in and get instantly raped by a fleet of defenders, which will always be 5 times larger than yours.

edit Developer Misconduct

Recently, a player by the name of Kugutsumen (in the words of T20, the innocent commie hating patriot "for heresy and inciting rebellion, you shall be drawn and quartered") discovered the developers of EVE Online were not only discouraging new players from joining, but were also playing the games secretly and aiding Band of Developers Brothers, the most powerful retarded powertarded alliance in the game. There were also allegations that many of the "player-driven" things in the game were really influenced in secret by developers. This has led to an enormous public outcry on the part of EVE players, including the deployment of new ship class, the Threadnaught, which promptly crashed EVE forums and forced CCP to surrender. Although, the players themselves are unsure exactly what they are crying out about. I mean, come on, how do you react when you find out that the developers of your game have been lyin.....


edit Player Culture

It is quite interesting to note that the EVE players have developed their own language and culture, as well as some shamanistic rituals that are often used whenever it is possible, examples of which are listed below.

"Can I have your stuff?" is the usual phrase retorted when somebody decides to quit Eve. Doesn't have any real use since the cycle of stuff is predetermined by fate and you will get it when you're worthy. Which means, you won't get it ever and you'll quit the game because of it. Hey, can I have your stuff?

"Proof or STFU." Another commonism in Eve life. Nobody is to be trusted. Don't sit with your back towards the stargate! Everyone can be a spy or an assasin. Even your corporation's CEO. Even your best friend in real life. Even your cat. Even that guy who has just created his account and is asking how to undock. They're all out there to kill you! You better quit the game to save yourself and your mental health... can I have your stuff?

"You should have sent a friend ahead to see if it was dangerous, it's your fault you were killed." Another common phrase. Most of the time a less polite version "Rofl lowsec autopilot noob!!11! roflmao" is used. After this, the person in question usually quits the game. Can I have his stuff?

And now the "considerably more hardcore than any other gamers" EVE players constantly perform witch hunts to discover misconduct, hacks or exploits. According to them, they prove their point 99% of the time, however the investigated side always claims the investigators to be hacking in order to get that info. Having your ship pushed out of a POS shield isn't an exploit. The Band of Developers Brothers' GMs directors said so. And they should know, since they rule over lowly wretches like you from the height of their office's second floor. Cry all you want. Can I have your stuff?

edit Conclusion

Nerf bat
The mightiest weapon in universe of EVE - the Nerf Bat!

Eve is a fun and enjoyable game for everyone who has at least some intelligence! Try it out!

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