User:Epynephrin/Justice League of Jesus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“...but I have less hair than Jesus.”
The Justice League of Jesus was formed in 1949 after the infamous falling out between Jesus Christ and George Washington. The true nature of this bitter rivalry is unknown, but it's rumoured to have involved their methods for fighting crime, who got to sleep with Wonder Woman, and what pizza toppings they should order. It's a well known fact, that no two people on the planet can agree on pizza toppings.
Regardless of the cause, the two heroes went their separate ways and caused a rift in the American Justice Coalition (aka AJC). Many superheroes at the time chose to side with Jesus and left the AJC to form a new super team.
After much debate among the people who left, the name of their team was decided by a coin toss. Heads they would be the Justice League of Jesus, tails they would become the Strawberry Alarm Clock. The coin landed on its side and was promptly eaten by a dog. This would start a rivalry with the Dog that would plague the team throughout its career, ultimately leading to the assault on the Planet of the Dogs.
Crisis of Infinite Jesii
In the year 1383 on a Tuesday, the evil Lord Zoda began to sweep though multiple planes of existence in an attempt to wipe out all forms of Jesus. After the death of several versions of Jesus, two strangely similar teams from alternate realities put aside their differences and worked together to defeat this super villian mastermind. As the various Jesii were wiped out on other planes of existence, the powers of the dead were split up among the remaining Jesii, and increased. Just like in that Jet Li movie, only better, because he's Jesus.
Since then, team-ups between the The Jesus Squad and The Justice League of Jesus became almost an annual event, although neither reality could decide which one of them comes from Earth-1 and which is from Earth-2.
Recently a second crisis occurred, one that threatened to destroy all the multiverses and their inhabitants. Both Jesii teams joined forces to prevent this from happening; however, unlike the first time they teamed up, it would not have such a happy ending.
The two Jesii teams battled the dark force that threatened the universes in his own realm of existence. After a long battle it appeared as if the good guys would win again, but that was before ‘The Entity’ unleashed one final attack on the Jesii. Sealing them in his dark twisted world he self destructed in an attempt to kill them all once and for all. The members of The Jesus Squad knew there was only one way anyone would survive, using their powers and a teleportation move known only to them, they transported The Justice League of Jesus back to Earth giving their lives in the process. The League members mourn their fallen comrades but believe they will return one day because after all, they are Jesii.
Other Famous Missions of the Justice League of Jesus
- Defeating Robo-Hitler during World War 1.5
- Crisis of Infinite Wolverines
- The Justice League of Jesus vs. the Bizarro Justice League of Jesus
- The 1972 presidential Election
- The one night everyone got really drunk and stayed up all night playing Street Fighter
- The battle for Bruce Campbell's Sandwich
- The Justice League of Jesus and the AJC together against The Planet of the Grue
- The 2004 presidential election - with special appearance by Pat Robertson
- Saving Private Ryan
- Defeating Billy "The Kid" Gates
- Hurricane Katrina and Rita
- Created and lost The Game
What's It All About?
The Justice League of Jesus fights for Truth, Justice, and the Ten Commandments of The Justice league of Jesus (also known as the 10-CJLJ). From their Space Station atop a mountain, behind the moon, orbiting the earth, they search the world for crimes, natural disasters, and crises of faith--as well as monitoring Britney Spears's dressing room.
According to the long-lost notes from their first meeting, which have been found and published here for the first time, they set about trying to decide what the group should be all about. The minutes of that meeting read thus:
Jesus: "Well, since our inception, a lot has happened: we've lost $12,000, Judas has betrayed us all, I was arrested, tortured and crucified, and to top it all off, it turns out I was Jewish all along. On the bright side, sales of our book, 'The Bible' have sky-rocketed five hundred percentage points so we are now really really rich. I say we start forming 'churches' to continue this pattern. We should also come up with a 'code of conduct' or something. Oh, and costumes: Everyone cool with spandex?"
Wolverine: "Listen, bub, Moses had his 10 commandments. Let's make our own."
Jesus: "Shinji, are you writing these down? The commandments are as follows; and no stupid acronyms! JLJ is lame enough on its own..."
[The notes include only the following 10 "Commandments", and were cut off before the Great Spandex Debate began. --Ed.]
The Ten Commandments of The Justice League of Jesus (10-CJLJ)
- Thou shall have no Other SuperGod above me
- Thou shall not worship any graven images/cartoons or build robots that look like Jesus.
- Thous shall not change clothes in a phone booth
- Remember Black Sabbath (in case anyone on the team forgets to buy tickets)
- Honor, your father, your mother, and your teenage sidekick in hot pants
- You shall not murder anyone except your evil clone from another dimension (and trust me, he had it coming anyway.)
- Thou shall
- Thou shall not pretend that wearing glasses works as a disguise
- Thou shall not beat somebody up and blame it on your evil twin
- Be Excellent to one another.
Founding members of the Justice League of Jesus
The following characters were members of the original Justice League.
- Lobster Jesus - Former king of the seas, until he turned it all into wine and had the biggest party ever.
- Captain Ultra - The only founding member of the team who was not an American Justice Coalition member. He just happened to see a lot of people standing around in tights and wanted in.
- Cyberjesus a.k.a Optimus Prime - The messiah of robots.
- Flash - Has the ability to run really fast, but only when he's nude.
- Shinji - The angstiest boy alive. Left the AJC after Superman yelled at him for masturbating to albinos during a battle.
- Mary Magdalene - Group fluffer
- Wolverine Jesus - A genetic recombination of Wolverine and Jesus. He was the son of God, we just gave him claws.
- Pirate Jesus - the pirate king of Pirate Kings.
- Some guy dressed as a bird - He might have been Hawkman, he might have been Birdman, he could have just been some geek in a bird costume. Nobody ever asked him.
- Judas - He later quit the group because of differences of opinion
- Captain Obvious - His stating of the Obvious helped gain the group huge financial success. That, and he could rob a liquor store in ten seconds flat.
- Kung-Fu Action Jesus - He's fighing the bad guys and making them pay. Using kung-fu magic, he's save'n the day. He's Kung-Fu Action Jesus.
Expelled Members of the Justice League of Jesus
- Note: Strangely enough, Judas was not expelled as the Charter specifically states in section 5.3 "Turning one of your friends over to the Romans and thus leading to his torture and death are not significant grounds for expulsion." Everyone thought it was weird that Judas wanted this included.
- The Virgin Mary (No virgins allowed)
- C-3PO (Don't serve their kind)
- Britney Spears next baby
- Oscar Wilde (Too much hair)
- Everyone named Bertha (What kind of name is Bertha?)
- Chuck Norris (because even God has gotten tired off all those jokes about Chuck being able to do anything.)
- Chris Barnes (because he's a worthless, pathetic sack of crap.)
Other and honorary members of the JLJ
- El Chapulin Colorado (Latin American Super Hero of all times, who is still on the Quest to find The Autobots "Matrix of Leadership", so he can present it to Neo)
- Judas (Could'nt be trusted to keep all the team secrets)
- Super Mario Brothers
- Optimus Prime (A Fallout between Optimus and Jesus on the topic of Morphing forced him to quit)
- Sailor Moon
- The Doctor
- King Kong
- Aeris Gainsborough (give membership post humorously after dying for her Planets sins.)
- Wonder Woman
- Bruce Campbell (in the disguise of Chainsaw-for-a-hand-man)
- Space Ghost
- Stevie Wonder
- Focus on the Family
- Smokey the Bear
- The American Justice Coalition
- The New American Justice Coalition
- Captain Jack Sparrow
- Che Guevara
- Ghengis Khan
- Hurricane Jeff