User:Epynephrin/Final Fantasy XI
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Final Fantasy XI|
Depicted here, a character who you will never hope to meet nor become.
|Platform(s)||All (See Tech. Specs)|
|Rating||T for Total Control|
|Would Natalie Portman play it?||Certainly, he's a Bard.|
“It's not very "Final", is it?”
“ZOMG! F1n4l f4nt4sy Pwns WoW! Lolzz”
Having completed--or at least temporarily halted--their neverending "Final Fantasy" Series, Square Enix released the most inaccurately named Final Fantasy XI (FF11, FFXI), as an alternative to reality. The hope was that it could rival the ever popular MMORPG World of Warcraft, and it has done so with varying degrees of success. The difference between the two MMO's (sometimes called "alterna-lives") is that one was created by Square Enix, and the other by Blizzard Entertainment. There are many intriguing and exciting options which will allow you, the player, to neglect your friends and family for months at a time without any concern for bills other than your monthly subscription.
Like all other games in the Final Fantasy series, there are no repeating characters. This means, for anyone hoping to get Cloud, Sephiroth, or anyone from the S O L D I E R gang. There are Chocobos, there might be an NPC named Cid, but probably not.
Unlike reality, this world is a simpler place. Defined not by the laws of a nation, and "Do" and "Do Not"s, but instead by what is coded into the game discs. Beautifully rendered to the finest specifications of the programmer's taste and the players's requests. The main continent is called Vaudeville, and there are numerous smaller islands and archipelagoes which players are welcome to visit (after purchasing the appropriate expansion).
edit Towns and Cities
- The Royal City
- The Capital city of Vaudeville is Nadsat. Population: 25 NPCs and numerous online players who come and go at will. The city is known for its clam chowder and alcoholism, and primarily exports fruits and novelty T-shirts with common pop-culture icons replaced by dogs and cats and made appropriate canine or feline puns on the name on them. Unlike reality, the culture is easy to get into--based mostly on whether or not Spock could take Obi-Wan, and the popular pastime "pwning n00bz". It is also entirely possible to receive dates in this world, although it is impossible to fully determine gender.
- Small, County Hamlets
- Throughout the land, there are tiny cities in which one can stop and get a drink, relax, and not be chased by monsters for about 30 seconds. A recent upgrade patch allows players to be attacked by hordes of monsters while in a city, and makes it possible for these monsters to overrun, rape and pillage the town should the players fail to defeat them. This makes an interesting dynamic for the game, but unfortunately requires every player to be present, or else the town will fall. At present, there is one town currently not under Orcish control--the next sheduled attack is in about 12 hours.
- Robot City
- A veritable Hodge-podge of mechanical parts, swinging levers, blinking buttons, knobs, and a myriad other parts no one will ever recognize; essentially, it looks like a nerd's childhood toybox vomited on the floor, the curled up and of ebola next door. It is a strange town, most inhabitants seem to have Asperger's syndrome or another psychological condition.
- A welcome break from the daily grind of trying to earn money and trying to level up; steel drum music will welcome the visitors to this tropical paradise. Beware of headhunters, however, and pirates on the open seas. There is rum aplenty, and players are getting digitally drunk day in and day out--most of them start typing in a Jamaican accent, although no one really knows why. Rum is a popular beverage, although wine coolers are picking up in popularity. Drinking games are also fairly common here.
- Basically Human, but it sounds a lot cooler to chop off the last half of the name. Everyone sets up at least one character of this race in hopes that it will "look" like they do in real-life; after ignoring issues like actual weight, physical height, and real hair color and style, and facial features. They are generally well-rounded, having no particular strengths or weakensses; they are likely to find ways to make up for these inadequacies, such as large weapons.
- Large, Slow-moving Creatures
- Capable of walking through a bank vault without noticing, this race is generally regrded as none-too-bright. They possess an intense physical prowess, but playing as one is essentially turning down any and all future invitations to MENSA. Great physical strength is their, uh, strength; their weakness is low agility and intellect.
- Generally the species to run the in-game red light districts, the Elf-Cats are tall and designed by a man with strange fetishes to look generally sexually appealing. From the neck down, they have the sculpted bodies of gods and goddesses; from the neck up... well, long ears and strange facial features. High intellect and agility, can take a hit, too. Physical strength lacks.
- The Moogle Race, like the Chocobo, is a mainstay in Final Fantasy lore, only they are never a playable race. Most games have had them a peaceable people, generally helping through magic and general cuteness; but this game includes a new, secret quest series. The Mogs, apparently miffed at no longer being the cutest characters in the game, are seeking revenge on Tarutarus everywhere. It is up to you to go on a rampage and kill them all; cute, fuzzy little heads will roll.
- A diminuitive, mouse-like race. Generally seen in red pants and white gloves for males; red, polka-dotted dresses and similar gloves. They're small, smart and agile, but generally weak and unhealthy. They get sick easily, and die quickly, but often get free medical assistance and money because they are so cute.
After the breaking of a crystal that had something to do with a balance of Light and Dark, or the Force or some crap like that, a bunch of monsters got out and started breeding. As a result, there is a number (probably 17) of different monsters to fight, and thousands of colors representing a higher level of the same monster you've been fighting since day one. These monsters provide a wide variety of tactical challenges (IE, can you press the right button at the right time?) as well as a number of party combinations to take them down (Usually, a guy who gets hit a lot, and a bunch of other people who kill the creature while it feasts on their fallen comarade). Monster fighting is just one of the many ways to earn money, and pretty much the only way to gain levels and increase job stats.
Monsters come in two flavors: Big and Small. The large ones offer better rewards and experience, but are much harder to kill. The small ones taste like strawberries.
edit Jobs and Classes
Jobs are an important way to earn money, and classes allow players to fight with a variety of different weapons, magic, and other tools to make the 12 hours spent playing daily fly past as though they were 11.
The important currency on the continent of Vaudeville is the Gimpo. There are a number of ways for a player to earn money in the world, and numerous debates rage over which is the best way.
- People who wander out, kill things, and make money from those activities. This generally comprises the majority of respectable players but not all. These players pride themselves in being "legit" and look down on the other varieties of players, whom they call "n00bs".
- Sometimes people of the above categories; sometimes those of the below: These are players who have earned a few trophies from their battles--ones that are actually worth a pretty penny--and proceed to sell off these treasures to people who think that they need them. Many new players are tricked into purchasing Cloud insurance policies, and slightly pre-owned vehicles by talented, experienced players. Whilst most of these players are quite proud of themselves and their incomes, people generally regard them as pompous asses.
- Whilst doing so technically breaks the Terms of Service contracts, many players have discovered that hacking is an excellent alternative to actually playing the game. Instead of pressing all those buttons and actually planning an effective way to make use of a character, some intelligent programmer has broken into the back doors of the system code, and created simple applets that even a 12-year-old could use. Generally, they cause lag, are rude to other players, and still somehow feel proud of themselves when they level up.
- T-shirt Maker
- As mentioned above, the t-shirt trade in Vaudeville is quite extensive. These items have virtually no redeeming value except to be bought and sold for higher and higher prices. Unlike reality, the economy in Final Fantasy 11 will eventually reach the "Novelty T-Shirt Event Horizon" (although top Sony "Funconomists" believe the inevitable crash will likely not occur for another several years. In the meantime, people are given these shirts by well-meaning relatives, and they were likely purchased from an FFXI T-Shirt Maker.
- Slap ho's, bust caps, etc. By selling illegal "greens" to chocobo "breeders" and making "fat stacks", the players can earn "bling" and become the most powerful people in cities.
- Spread the gospel of Magictology, and learn to rock the spells from the favorite stories. A job that encourages magic use, support, and the magictologist lifestyle. J.K. Rowling does not officially sanction the use of her religion in the game, but she hasn't sued anyone yet.
- These are players who have earned a few trophies from their battles--ones that are actually female--and proceed to sell off these treasures to people who think that they will never get them. Many horny players are tricked into wasting hours and in-game currency by talented, experienced players. Whilst most of these players are quite proud of themselves and their incomes, people generally regard them as lucky bastards.
- Generally, someone who will sit in a corner of the town and repeatedly shout something like:
"Pliz giv me 100/1000/12390324/Soem money, so I can buy Weapons/Armor/Potions."
- These people are either not smart enough, or too lazy to go out and fight things on their own steam. They are entirely capable of playing the game, but choose not to; in this respect, they are like hackers--only not smart enough to actually hack.
- Black Mage
- Bad Beats, Whack Rhythm, Snakes on Planes: None of these can stop the mighty Black mages. For centuries, they had waited for the day they would be allowed a class of their own. Finally, their unique blend of "bling", "slappin' hos" and "bustin' caps" has become a cultural mainstay. At least in the world of Vaudeville, Black and White mages get along in harmony, and it is even possible for the two to work together--without one accusing the other of stealing. It is entirely possible for anyone to play as a Black Mage, and fake it well enough to never be caught. Weaponry includes Gats and Nines. Strengths are physical as well as rhythmic, weaknesses are fried foods and fruits of the melon family.
- White Mage
- Bad Beats, Whack Rhythms, Snakes on Planes: All of these could stop the greatest of White Mages in their tracks. Both sects of magic follow Samuel L. Jackson and believe in his surpreme powers, yet the White mages act more as supporting acolytes than the Blacks who consider themselves "as one" with Jackson. The sad thing about both classes is that neither realize that Mr. Jackson has little or no interest in them. Weaponry includes: golf clubs and whips. Strengths are a high intellect, and a woman-proof barrier; weaknesses are acne, and everything.
- Red Mage
- Only available in the Chinese version of the game: Not much other information is available about the commie bastards. Don't ask any questions, and certainly don't look into their fascist ways. Weaponry includes the Red book. Primary strengths lie in intellect, miniturizing things, and making plastic toys; weaknesses are women and history.
- Red, White and Blue Mage
- The mighty eagle, the delicious apple pie, the obscene traffic; these powers are yours to command. As a Red, White and Blue Mage, the responsibility is yours to police the entire world of FF and ensure that the values of Freedom and the American Dream are upheld. Strengths of the class are an intense loyalty to Justice, unquestioning obedience to the President and an affinity for Wrestling; the weaknesses are a low intellect and a belief that turn signals are non-existant. Primary weapons are beer bellies and gun racks.
- Accounting 101
- This class will be taught by Prof. Freud and is now available from 9:15 to 10:20AM on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Please see your course handbook, or the Registrar's website for availability.
- Knights are well armored, extremely strong, and relatively slow-witted. They are one of the few classes capable of taking massive hits from large monsters, and are often found standing there while other members of their party slowly wittle down the beast. Due to a recent increase in the number of knight caharacters made, many are now being forced to play solo; unfortunately, they lack any valuable skills aside from standing around while monsters chew on them.
- Thieves can steal stuff. No one really likes them.
- If the Paladin (see below) is the "Six-Million-Dollar Mage", then the Viking is the "75-Cent Red, White and Blue Mage". The Viking class is incapable of magic, lazy, slow, drunk, and almost certainly on welfare. They are strong, but that's about their only virtue--aside from them owning a van. It is always good to have a Viking around on moving day, but they only come if you're willing to provide food.
- Followers of the Wilde (Bards)
- Songs of the finest caliber are yours to use as you see fit; some may heal, others may harm, but it is all in your hands. Otherwise, the class is predominantly useless except to entertain and sometimes provide a little annoyance to the monsters. Oscar Wilde himself plays as a high-level bard, and while the official class title is "Bard" most refer to themselves as his followers.
edit Advanced Classes
- The mighty knights of Vaudevillian Kingdoms, the paladins are strong and smart. They essentially make the White Mages somewhat obsolete. In many ways, the Paladin is like the White Mage, only better, faster, and stronger. Weapons are swords, shields, bionic limbs, axes, staves, etc. Strength is in everything, there are no weakness.
- a mediterranean herb which is often used to flavor and enhance dishes. It is best with pork, cheese or beans; although it is reccomended in poultry stuffings as well. It should be stored in a plastic bag in the fridge with a damp paper towel for no more than 4 days. It could also be dried, stored in a cool, dry place, and shouldn't be kept for more than 6 months.
- Gene Simmons
- Bards who begin to acquire fortunes and fame will eventually turn into Gene Simmons. Their tongues elongate from frequent use, and they begin to notice that their harps, flutes, and other instruments are inadequate for "Rocking Out"--as most players in this class call it--After a short while, and a few cover songs, these players start living in a large city, getting all the chicks, and making documentaries about each other.
- See Clinja. Then imagine that in a game--only as a clunky, digital misrepresentation following all of the rumors and legends of the Clinja clans.
What Final Fantasy series game would be complete without a Chocobo in it? None, you ninny. Chocobos are an important element in both storyline and combat. 18 different Chocobo colors are available.
- Maroon Chocobos allow unlimited flight, at the cost of being slower than Puce Chocobos.
- Mounted Chocobos allow jousting, racing, and mounted combat, making Dragoons extremely popular.
- Platinum Chocobos allow limited bursts of teleportation, psionics, and bukkake.
- Mounting Chocobos is just SICK SICK SICK and illegal to boot.
- Yellow Chocobos are such a rarity, that they are not seen anymore. Occasionally, they're given as an event prize, but no one ever wins.
- Fat Chocobo: Stores additional slots at your Mog House. Prefers to be referred to as a BBC--standing for "Big, Beautiful Chocobo, not to be confused with the BBC--instead of "fat". Summoners also gain a special ability with this Chocobo.
edit Chocobo breeding
allows for stat boosts that specialize focus in running away, staring at you, or waking up the neighbors at 3 AM. Personal Chocobos require a constant diet of different greens. The challenge in Chocobo breeding and training is that most of the colors in the game are various shades of brown, thus finding suitable food for your Chocobo proves difficult. The unfortunate upshot is that almost all Chocobos die by the age of 3 minutes.
edit Chocobo Racing
Place your bets! Chocobo Marathons kick off at Town #302, where you can purchase your very own Chocobo. Win hash browns, money, and exciting prizes. With enough practice, you may even unlock new Chocobos for use outside:
edit Chocobo Cap Bustin'
Those in the Gangster Job set are able to purchase gats and saddle up their chocobo to handle their "biz'nass"; usually a Moogle will ride shotgun, allowing players to complete the most adorable drive-by shootings in the history of video games.
edit Hardware and Subscriptions
With a program of this type, there will be aspects unrelated to the game that players will need to deal with. A temporary reprieve from the replacement life will be necessary to maintain the gaming platform.
edit Technical features
- Compatable with Windows, MacOS X, Linux, BeOS, OS/2 Warp, Game Cube, Xbox, Sony PSP, Game Gear, System 88, and Pencil-and-paper--making Final Fantasy XI the most compatible game ever written. SquareEnix has reportedly announced plans to move to the Psychic platform, although rumors are yet unconfirmed.
- Impressive summoning effects bring a massive summon animation on screen that rivals any previous Final Fantasy game. Animations can last anywhere from six to eight minutes and utlilize an FMV overlay; unfortunately, the computers these were composed on are so powerful, there is no way to view them outside of the Square building.
- Limit breaks are incredibly powerful and can do massive damage, at the cost of lengthy animation time.
- Music remixed and orchestrated from classic FF games--so much so, that no player ever notices that all the music is the same song played infinitely.
- Efficient 3D optimization enables customized character facial features, hairstyle, clothing, nasal hair and capes without affecting framerate. Unfortunately, there is so much "going on" that these details are generally ignored.
- Total neurological control: The interface is still the basic keyboard-to-computer system, but once installed, the program begins a course of subliminal messaging and addictive neuro-whatsits to ensure that the player will continue to pay the monthly subscription and play the game despite pressing real-life matters.
edit Subscription Information
- $49.99 One-time software purchase fee
- $18.99 Monthly subscription fee
- $1 per character, per server, per month
- $24.99 One-time expansion pack fees
- $10.49 Weekly Mountain Dew bills
- $14.56 Weekly instant Ramen bills
- $4000.000 Monthly alimony/child support check (if married)
At this time, SquareEnix does not take checks, cash, spare kidneys, or children for payment. An extended payment option program is under development. Missed billings will be addressed by the gentleman with the large bat standing behind you.
LIGHTNING'S REAL NAME IS CLOU- CLAIRE