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in association with MSNBC.
|Yeah, that's right. We don't like it anymore than you do. Well, actually they're paying us $50,000 dollars a day to keep this article biased. So we can't really complain. What? You think this site runs on magic? Hey...HEY! These are hard economic times we're living in. Don't give us that look. Be happy for us. We're giving those punks at wikipedia a run for their money! Speaking of which, if you donated any money to the Obama campaign...thanks!|
|While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully understood the greatness of the best President in world history. Click on the following link for a first-hand look at the alternative conservative-laden view: the biography of Obama as written by fundies. Please also note that no other alternative views exist.|
|Date of birth||August 4, 1961|
|Place of birth||Honolulu, Hawaii|
|Date of death||n/a|
|Place of death||n/a|
|First Lady||Michelle Obama|
|Vice President||Joe Biden|
|Term of office||2009–|
|Preceded by||George W. Bush|
|Political party||Democratic Party|
“Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.”
Osama Obama II (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current President of the United States, the first and only to do so without the benefit of white skin, as well as an actor, pro wrestler, international rapper, songwriter, Oreo, poet, superhero, and part-time comedian. Allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii, Obama is a graduate of the prestigious Columbia University, and worked as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer in Chicago before earning his law degree. He served as a young, shiningly optimistic upstart Illinois State senator from 1997 to 2004, and served as U.S. Senator from 2005 to 2008
Obama began his presidential campaign in 2007, after having a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate. In 2008, after raking Hillary Clinton across the coals, he won sufficient delegates in the Democratic Party primaries to receive the presidential nomination. He then defeated Republican nominee and cranky old man John McCain in the general election, and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009. Nine months after his election, Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate; this was in spite of his then-lack of accomplishments and the fact that he did nothing to deserve it.
During his first two years in office, Obama made subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government that stabilized the weak economy and shook up Washington, changing the system and world for a brighter and better tomorrow. Several of these policies gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and in turn, a larger number of alarmed citizens. Obama was re-elected president in November 2012, defeating Republican nominee Willard Mittens Romney, and was sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2013.
Obama's supporters have claimed that he has quickly improved the United States government and the country in general. Detractors, on the other hand, claim that he is a foreign-born terrorist and dictator who has never accomplished anything and is trying to establish an imminent totalitarian state. As of his second term, Obama has gotten caught up in a number of scandals, which have given his detractors more fuel in the fire. These include NSA spying, lying about Benghazi, drone striking children in Yemen, and "trying to take away our guns."
In his spare time, Obama has led a successful rap career, where he became known as the first Oreo rapper under the teachings of Dr. Dre. He has also led a wrestling career, where he is working on WCW's United States Tag-Team Champion with vice president J. "The VIP" Bidster.
edit Early life and career
Obama was allegedly born on August 4, 1961, at Kapiʻolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was a white Kansan atheist, while his father, Barack Obama, Sr., was a black Kenyan Muslim. The couple separated in late August 1961, when Obama's mother became a hulu pig. This left a rather large hole in Obama's life that could not be filled. In 1963, Dunham met Kayne West, a world-famous rapper, and married him in 1965. During this time, Obama ran away from home to find his real father. While searching for said father, Obama instead found Jesus Christ. The two became the best of friends and went around the country performing in comedy clubs, billed as Jesus and the Baby. One day, Jesus and Obama ran into a group of drunk rednecks who mistook the two as a couple of wandering beatniks. Jesus told Obama to run and was subsequently beaten to death. After a long journey, the young toddler found his way back home.
Obama spent much of his time in Hawaii whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse. In 1967, Kayne West, hearing of his stepson's distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Here, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. He rapidly became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, and became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in America.
For the remainder his childhood, Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you, and also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also engaged in a correspondence course with the Soviet embassy. His exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life. Obama's spare time was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec. sheets, and Uncle Tom's Cabin with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent, doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the Salvation Army.
After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances. His experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."
In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity. Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue) As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
- “Dear Diary, Graduation day! I'm so nervous, my hat is soaked at the brim with sweat already. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. A law degree in the hands of an eloquent idealist, there's no more potent combination for the achievement of civil justice! As long as I can get past the host pronouncing my name "Berik O-bam-a," I should be fine. Sigh, white people simply will never wrap their tongues around that name.”
- ~ Obama on Graduation Day
After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii, and got less-than-average grades in the school. Despite these struggles, Obama graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days. After he had graduated college, Obama decided to move to Los Angeles to become a rapper to support the Westside. There, he met politician Dr. Dre. Dre taught him everything he needed to know about rapping, despite being a doctor and politician. They happened to be next door neighbors in a very rich neighborhood.
After becoming a rapper, Obama moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There he went to work as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. His other work included menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.
edit Wrestling career: 1996
In 1996, while working as a community organizer, Obama went into training with Hulk "Hollywood" Hogan to become a professional wrestler, and adopted the wrestling name of "Barack Wayne Johnston" (or "Barack" for short). After pissing off Hogan in a training match, Hogan went Hulk and broke Barack's foot. Barack came back a month later and when Hogan, still enraged, screamed, "YOUUUU want some more YOUUUUU little ass?!?!", Obama coined his catchphrase, "Just bring ittttt, Mr. America!" Barack was known to wrestling fans as one of the "anti-hero" faces of wrestling. He was noted as saying his catchphrase whenever faced against a challenge, "Just bring ittttt America!"
When Barack hit it into the WWE, Hogan, still enraged, told Vince McMahon that Barack wouldn't job to him, so he had a chance in the WWE. Barack broke onto television as "Baracky Mavia", a John Cena-like gimmick where he was a face, but nobody liked him. After screwing up his career and being caught doing coke, Maivia was fired from WWF, but managed to catch a break through TNA. Barack was now faced with a new challenge: finding another gimmick. He initially decided to be "Guitar Swinging" Barack Jared, but was fired a week later after TNA learned he wasn't "WWE Dropout Material."
Maivia made a surprising return to WWE in the Royal Rumble. He was the eighth eliminated after he eliminated John Cena, who didn't sell any moves Maivia gave, so he gave Cena a low blow. Cena stumbled out of the ring and broke his neck, causing him to leave wrestling for one-and-a-half years. Maivia was then eliminated by Charlie Haas posing as "Weird Al" Yankovic. After a short break, Maivia returned to wrestling using his original name, Barack. After shaking hands with Dolph Ziggler, Barack was quoted as asking the world, "Can ya smell....what Barack has eaten?"
Later, Barack got into a feud with John Morrison over who had better sideburns. After the feud with Morrison, Barack feuded with Bushwhacker George and had a match at Wrestlemania 69.5 over the United States Championship. He went heel after hitting George in the head with a guitar, a homage to his "Barack Jared" gimmick. He held his title for four years, but lost to newcomer Hilrod in a "Trapped in the White House" match.
On September 12, Barack suffered an injury that put him out of action for two hours. He came back to his assassinator, Fred Phelps, slapped him in the face, and told him to turn the WBC and the picketers sideways, and shove them up his 82 year old homo baloney ass. Phelps responded with, "Yous a fag! Gawd hates dem fags! And dem sowljers! Gawd hates dem fags and dem sowljers and dem stoopid Americans!"; he was released that same day. Barack responded to Phelps's comment in an interview: "Anyone actually listened to that homo popcorn fart?"
edit Senate career: 1997–2008
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.
During his time in the Illinois Senate, Obama spread the wealth around his district, and also implemented his new anti-privacy methods, leading communities and churches to lasting prosperity under the watchful eye of the patented Obama Cams®.
Obama, being the dork he is, was considered an excellent politician, and ascended the political ladder to win Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004. This was after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
Despite a radical voting record during his tenure in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
edit Presidential campaigns
edit 2008 presidential campaign
- “Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.”
- ~ Obama on change
Obama, who couldn't the government's inaction any longer, announced his candidacy for President of the United States on February 10, 2007. The announcement took place in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois while surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one since it was also where Abraham Lincoln delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858. When Obama first ran for president, there were six other candidates running for the Democratic nomination; they consisted of Joe Biden, John Edwards, Bill Clinton's ball and chain and three other old white guys nobody knew nor cared for.
Under the guidance of King Blagojevich III, Obama trained to become the president. After months of squabbling on stages across the country, the race came down to a young black man and an old white
man woman. During this time, Obama promoted a message of "hope and change" which mesmerized American voters due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the everyman to his message. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black Muslim.
Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama managed to rake primary rival Hillary Clinton across the coals. In June, 2008, after defeating Hillary Clinton, Obama started to raise funds for his campaigns and attack the Republican nominee, John McCain, who was considered by Obama to be nothing if not ridiculous. In retaliation, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the Republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee.
During this time, Obama wanted assurance that his coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue; McCain agreed, provided that he eat breakfast with him at Denny's and order the Early Bird Special with his senior discount card. Obama agreed to comply if they could also have lunch together at Popeyes Chicken. McCain then agreed to acquiesce on the condition that they also go to Country Kitchen Buffet and eat breakfast again the next morning at IHOP and get the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity pancakes with his senior discount card. The Obama campaign offered a compromise where they could have dinner every night at KFC, but McCain demanded they have Jell-O after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener. Obama then turned down his offer. Enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against Obama. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express in front of Obama's campaign bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.
In August, Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate; bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his
running mate bitch on the side, sensing an opportunity to profit from the nation wide PMS protest. However, despite McCain's efforts, Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy. After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
edit Rapping career
While running for president, Obama began rapping as an underground rapper in rap battles. He was known as "Osama." Even though this was a mistake, Obama took a liking to the nickname. He never lost a rap battle and soon became quite popular with the people. He gained much popularity and got a record deal in Washington DC and began recording an album in 2007 under the stage name "Saddam Hussein II." He finished recording his album entitled "I'm An Oreo, 'Nuff Said," by 2008 and it was released. It was recognized in the 2008 Rapper Campaign; it was the best album. On top of that, he beat out all of the other rappers in the GOP Rap battles. These rappers include Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, John McCain, and Sarah Palin—Obama's sister. He then became an international rapper—which angered Sarah Palin and made her feel betrayed—performing around the country and the world—angering her even more.
On March 21, 2010, Obama, having become President of the United States, released a chart-topping single called "Obamacare." It caused much controversy with fans and fellow rappers in the rap community, and was criticized by all. One underground rapper had said that the song "cost Saddam Hussein II a lot of credibility as a rapper." Another hit that caused controversy was "I'm Not Gay, But I Don't Not Support Gay Marriage," where Obama expresses his non-dislike of gays and where he expresses his own homosexual feelings. He currently denies this and claims the song was not recorded by him but by Sarah Palin, out of anger and jealousy. He claims she broke into his studio, recorded it, and the producers never knew it wasn't Obama's song. Obama still raps to this day, but these two singles cost him much of his popularity.
- “It's not all about me!”
- ~ Barack Obama on Barack Obama
Barack Obama's 2009 presidential inauguration balls were the most expensive inauguration balls, adjusted for inflation, of any leader in history. It outstripped the coronations of Augustus Caesar, King Cyrus the Great of Persia, and the ancient Egyptian pharaohs in lavishness. This statistic has already been noted by the Guinness Book of World Records, a fact of which Obama is immensely proud. The incoming Senator who is taking Obama's Illinois senate seat, Roland Burris, is even more proud and has already written this fact on his mausoleum.
As if the Styrofoam columns that decorated the Democratic National Convention stage were not enough, Obama ordered Styrofoam columns to be placed on every single street corner in Washington D.C. In addition, he commissioned a full-size replica of the Roman Colosseum, plated in gold, to be built on the Capitol Mall in front of the Washington Monument. Statues of Obama's trim figure, clad in a toga, adorned this opulent structure in lieu of the Roman gods. Unfortunately, the 5 million people in attendance at the event trampled the whole thing then tried to climb on top of it to try to see the historic event.
Secret underground Inaugural festivities will include gladiator fights, staged by the Brutus Gladiatorial Agency. The Brutus Agency is owned by the same company that holds the rights to Obama's books. Obama has already issued pre-emptive Presidential pardons to the winners of the fights. Nearly 1,000 man-to-man battles will take place, and viewers of the Inauguration will be treated to a bloody spectacle the likes of which the world has not seen for nearly 2,000 years. Al-Qaeda has plans to enhance the spectacle, although how they will do so was not disclosed. Obama has met face-to-face with his friend, Osama bin Laden to discuss how their plans will be coordinated.
Reminding the American people of their economic hardships, Obama has urged ordinary citizens to make sacrifices and to prepare for the trillion-dollar deficits ahead. Ordinary citizens responded to the speech by picking up litter left over in the aftermath of the inaugural parade.
Ted Kennedy, meanwhile, induced numerous Wikipedia editors to drive him into Chappaquiddick by greatly exaggerating rumors of his death. He did this by hyperventilating, dancing around the Inaugural Ball table, and then pouring wine all over poor Barack's inaugural gown. This got even worse when his old buddy, some loser named Byrd, thought Ted was playing a game of Twister and pulled down his trousers. By then, the Wikipedia folks realized that Ted Kennedy wasn't actually dead, he was just playing pussom. But they spent the next several days arguing anyhow, the rationale being "hey, it's mighty fun".
edit Domestic policy
edit Economic takeovers
- “Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things. My opponents want to not change the economy and keep it the same, but you can put lipstick on a pig, and it is still a pig, it is just a different name for the same thing. Now some liberals say I can heal lepers and raise the dead, so you know I can make an economic policy that does not make sense work by using change and hope, and hope for change, so that it does make sense. By increasing taxes while giving 95% of people tax cuts will solve all problems and definitely bring about change.”
- ~ Obama on the economy
As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the mess he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.
Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased.Perhaps a nation newly distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
- “We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change. I will give them a good mortgage at 2.25% from Fannie Mae.”
- ~ Obama on homeless people
Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.
edit Health care reform
“Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US. If that doesn't work I hope I can change health care via my progressive social programs that hope to change health care and bring hope for change to the sick and disabled.”
- ~ Obama on health care
Having transformed American industry along the successful Soviet model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant treatment with a system of universal coverage. In one version of the reform bill (S.666):
- Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina, and the City of Detroit, to secede from the union immediately
- Page 2356 further reduces health-care costs by ensuring that every American gets an annual rectal exam, administered by a compassionate and gentle IRS employee.
- Page 3999 ensures that communicable diseases are not spread aboard airliners by giving the TSA powers to administer a complete physical, including mammography, pap smear and/or prostate exam before boarding is permitted.
The decimated opposition was left to carping that the U.S. Government might not be able to manage everyone's medical treatment, given that it had already failed to:
- Operate a web site to reimburse citizens who had junked their high-pollution cars,
- Keep reality-TV gadflies from crashing state dinners, and
- Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.
Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.
edit Energy policy and gathering darkness
Obama's administration continued to resolve the age-old controversy between black and white. The Attorney General was newly black, and Americans had to open the door to scruffy black visitors, as they might not be Muslim evangelists but census takers.
However, in 2010, the nation was shocked to see the very surface of the Gulf of Mexico get blacker and blacker, as an oil well a mile down ruptured. Obama took quick action:
- Verifying that the Jones Act was intact and would protect Americans from the scourge of foreign oil skimmers and their non-union crews.
- Denying permits for dredging and for use of dispersants, which could be bad for the environment. This kept the oil spill one of the cleanest in history.
- Shutting down other deep-water wells for six months, just to be safe.
- Explaining how environmental permitting and litigation showed his continuing commitment to job creation.
- Lecturing Americans that the spill was their fault, as the average American stubbornly uses more gasoline than, say, the average Kenyan.
Ray Nagin, the mayor who had chafed at Bush's slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina, was pleased during the Obama years that New Orleans was restored as America's "chocolate city." He expressed pleasure when a new hurricane season threatened to turn the black slick into an emulsion, declaring, "It will be like a giant, chocolate Smoothie!"
edit Gun control
The rednecks believe I want them off the streets, spat on, and burned in he- (looks around to see that his audience are pro-gun people) because a redneck with a gun is a CDV situation waiting to happen. But I support guns in the hands of people who want to protect themselves from violent spouses and evil deers. I mean, uh, I support the removal of guns from criminals, drunken abusive people, and political assassins. I also believe that butcher knives and rat poison should be inaccessable to rural housewives. If we remove weapons from the people most likely to wield them, then there will be no more murders.
edit Drug usage
Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-marijuana laws.
edit No Child Left Behind
“Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.”
- ~ Obama on No Child Left Behind
edit Foreign policy
“Kenya is high on my list of important countries to visit. I will also visit some white countries as well. I will also visit Canada but only when the seasons change to summer. I would visit Mexico except they all moved here. I will recognize Alaska and open an embassy there, even though they didn't vote for me. I will never recognize Israel or New York City.”
- ~ Obama on foreign policy
Obama has has met countless times with the honorable Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love Kim Jong-Ill to discuss their plans for the weekend. They enjoy frequent slumber parties with their other friends: Vladimir VII the Putin, Dmitri Medvedev, and the ghost of George Washington Carver. This amazing friendship is demonstrated with the amazing relations between the United States of America, North Korea, Russia and Black People. Some more exploits of "the gang" include panty raids on Queen Elizabeth, the accidental murder of renowned war hero, Osama bin Laden, and finding a heart for Vladimir VII the Putin
to feast on.
edit Iraq War
“American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.”
- ~ Obama on Iraq
“Illegal immigrants are full of hope that they might one day become citizens. We must either change our attitudes and accept this, or hope for them to go away. If they don't go away perhaps we should go away.”
- ~ Obama on illegal immigrants
A change for the better, right? Oh. I see. That kind of change. Like changing the worth of a dollar into a penny or turning the United States into a third world country within the first three months of office. Why don't Americans ever read the fine print! Fuck! But you have to admit. It's brilliant, he promised change and that's what happened. Oh well, if that's what he's comfortable with then that's that. But for future reference, be careful what they promise, you just might get it!
I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?
- “Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch and a toot of blow. Then it's right back at things with some light change...”
- ~ Obama on change
It also helps to put it in the words of Joe the Plummer:
- “The only change we seen, is in skin tone and the number'a peoples out of work. Fuck man, if I wanted that kind of change I would have voted for the CEO of GM. I thoughts we was gonna see a change for da betta but it don't like it's gonna happen in my lifetime. I'm lucky cause peoples always gotta take a dump and brush their teeth usin' the plumbin' and all, but other peoples ain't gonna be so lucky. Theys gonna have to spend more dough on education with dollars more useless than pennies. I thank da lord ever day that I's got some learnin' under my belt, but others? They won't be gettin' diddly squat wit dis here presdent and all his so-called change. I call it fuckin' bullshit cause that's what it really is. Bull Shit.”
- ~ Joe the Plummer on change
Obama has restored abortion funding that his predecessor had fought.
Kill them. Every one. After we receive their bribes.
edit Cementing of power
With the American people lulled into a sense of security, Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of waterboarding. After the drowning death of Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the interfering voices of the American people out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really Obama's biggest priority, he could move on to our next biggest threat aka Joe Biden, in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he burst). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Directorate of Social Monitoring (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places with eyes that follow you around as you pass by. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him. President Obama then turned his attention to national security, passing the Invasion of Privacy Act. Any persons caught speaking ill of the President and therefore determined to be threats to society are rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are not tolerated under the new regime of Barack Obama's watchful gaze.
edit President of the World
President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the U.N. have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of China has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.
edit Cultural and political image
- “All hail the Glorious Leader! Before Obama rose to power, we were a troubled people. Different countries fighting, corrupt and unattractive politicians cheating the people of our great global state, people in poverty stricken areas like Africa scarcely had enough to eat or drink as disease ravaged the land. Indeed, even the Jonas Brothers were still popular in those dark and desperate times. Now thanks to Obama, every family on Earth has food to eat, water to drink, and plenty of Barack O'Bills in their wallets as we stand in unity under our fair and kind leader’s banner.”
- ~ Average Joe on Obama
In the media, Obama is often portrayed as the perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing "Kum-Ba-Yah." He is also considered to be the first president of the NRA not to be lynched by an angry mob in white robes holding torches, so you know he's one of the good ones. He brings hope and change and you know we can do it. By taking down the man, Barack will set the lower class working people free from economic oppression. Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it (jerk).
In this article, we hope to show you solidly irrefutable and absolutely incontrovertible facts delineating why Barack Obama is your messiah, the one true God you've been waiting for since the dawn of time....unless you're considered financially wealthy by today's standards. Because, well, I won't lie to you. Dude, if you're rich, like really fucking stacking papers and shit like Mark Cuban or Fiddy Cent, you should have voted for McCain bro. Perhaps you're rich and generous and don't mind paying to help poor people. Don't tell anyone I said this. If you drop dimes on me, I'll deny everything up and down and then tell people you slept with Courtney Love. Don't think I won't, bitch. Scratch my back and I won't stab yours.
Anyways. Supporters of Obama think of him as the near-equivalent to a Messiah or superhero. They have praised him for his numerous accomplishments (see below) and charisma; their praises also stem from him providing them with free "Obama phones." Detractors, on the other hand, consider Obama to be the exact opposite of a Messiah; rather, they find him to be a well-known terrorist who claims his god "Oprah" is commanding him to destroy America. They have frequently labeled him as a liar, war criminal, Zionist NWO/Illuminati shill, dictator, and "long-legged mack daddy." They have compared him to Hitler or Satan on multiple occasions, and claim that his authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt "That's double-plus-ungood" and subsequently banned Fox News from the Press Pool.
edit International recognition for numerous accomplishments
In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:
- A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
- No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
- Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.
edit The results pile up
Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence--for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing cowboy theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:
- Obama's jet-set arrival into Copenhagen clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new global warming treaty.
- Meeting with Hugo Chávez and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the Venezuelan dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
- His habit of bowing to Saudi Arabian emirs, and to the Japanese (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy. He applied the same utter niceness to the Koreas, which secured a new trade deal with South Korea and an end to the belligerence of North Korea.
- Enhanced attention to Iran got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an Arabic middle name and ambiguous parentage achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
- Personal appearances in New Jersey and Virginia kept the governorships in the hands of the Democratic Party, and a last-minute visit to Massachusetts to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late Ted Kennedy in the most Democratic state in the Union.
- Vigorous campaigning limited the losses in the 2010 mid-term elections--which were inevitable, and of course also Bush's fault--and ensured that the Democrats would not lose the House of Reprehensibles.
edit Bill Ayers controversy
During the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign, the relationship of Obama and his
friend distant associate Bill Ayers, a professor of terrorism at the University of Illinois, was brought up and discussed at great length by the media and vigorously by both his opponent John McCain and his bitch. McCain argued that his steamy forbidden homosexual love affair with someone like Ayers made Obama questionable as a person and dangerous as a possible future president. Sarah Palin went even further, stating that Obama had a secret hidden agenda in collusion with Ayers to take over Disneyland, turn it into a giant sweat shop for a muslim terrorist fashion clothing line and then blow it up. Some political pundits even questioned if running mate Joe Biden was also guilty of jihadist terrorism by second hand association. Eventually, Barack responded to these allegations and went on the attack at a rally in some small nameless little town.
- “This is some old bullshit. What they don't want you to know...is that...I was eight years old and in Hawaii...at the time Bill Ayers tried to blow up the Pentagon's men's handicap bathroom stall. John McCain wants to distract the American people from the current economic crisis on Wall Street...because...he knowns...that if he talks about the issues, he'll have to buckle down...and figure out a way to fix this crisis on Wall Street...without bailing out Frannie May and Freddie Mac...before the situation on Wall Street...affects Main Street. Deregulation. Housing market. Jobs and stocks. Change we can believe in. Yes we can!”
- ~ Obama on Bill Ayers
Soon after Obama gave this Shatner-esque speech, McCain's approval ratings went down 10 to 14 points in the national polls. It wasn't long before the Obama campaign decided to deal one final blow to his opponent by bringing up the infamous 1989 Keating Five scandal where a young 65 year old senator McCain and the Fantastic Four drunkenly robbed the Keating's Savings and Loan bank, thinking they could do whatever the fuck they wanted. Not one to lose an election, John McCain refuted these claims of wrong-doing by insisting that it was in actuality John McClane of Die Hard fame who senator Obama was referring to. When told that John McClane was a fictional character, McCain quipped "Well, so are the Fantastic Four, but the five of us robbed the bejesus out of that bank....aw, shit." Finally, McCain's campaign manager scheduled a town hall rally where John could properly dispute Obama's rumors.
- “My friends, this smear-mongering has got to end on both sides of the isle. Just look at my track record, I have a record of reach arounding to both sides of the isle. Senator Obama wants to raise taxes, your taxes! My friends, that's not leadership, that's called the surge is working! But senator Obama and Freddie May and Frannie Mac want to spend the fundamentals of the economy are strong!”
- ~ John McCain on Obama's rumors
A week later during the second or third presidential debate, I can't remember which, Obama and McCain would both confront the issue of not talking about the issues. Both candidates agreed that much valuable time could be spent on tackling serious issues concerning the American people. They both postulated that the public wanted to hear mature discourse, and not nasty name-calling, or unapologetic attack ads featuring disingenuous facts and fear tactics. However, both men wanted to be president so the discussion quickly collapsed into an exchange of accusations ranging from bedwetting to acting on behalf of the Prince of Darkness.
edit Family and personal life
Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of twenty five DVDs set to only play in America.
Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry Limbaugh and Hannity so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by Sarah Palin is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.
A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of Google inside the U.S., other than Image Search.
Shortly after quitting WWE, Obama went on to become an actor. He starred in such films as The Game Plan That Didn't Work, 300 Laws, The
Scorpion Bald Eagle King, and Don't Get Smart. He also became a Disney star. His alter ego, Hussein Osama, was the subject of the hit series, "Hussein 101". On November 4, 2008, Obama (under his wrestling name Barack) released a wrestling-themed DVD, Just Bring It, America!. It includes Barack's WWE and TNA matches as well as a never before seen interview with his mentor, Dr. Dre. A day later, he released a book called Dumbass Matches with Dumbass Coworkers. It includes him ranting on other wrestlers.
- ↑ Also known as Barry Soetoro (from his Indonesian passport), his stage name Saddam Hussein II, and his wrestling name Barack Wayne Johnston.
- ↑ Although Obama is only half black, and was raised entirely by white Hawaiian grandparents, he is still referred to as the "first black president" by cultural standards. This can be proven true by the following scenario: there are six fruits in a basket. Three are oranges, three are apples. The basket is hanging from an apple tree, in an apple orchard. But it's still going to be the first basket of oranges in the White House!
- ↑ Contrary to popular belief, Obama is not a Muslim, but even if he were a Muslim, speaking hypothetically of course, it would be just fine.
- ↑ Black coffee. In a white cup.
- ↑ Oxymorons be damned.
- ↑ Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
- ↑ Alleged birth certificate.
- ↑ 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy.
- ↑ Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace.
- ↑ Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008.
- ↑ A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant.
- ↑ My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.
- ↑ It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?
- ↑ Which they were, let's be honest here.
- ↑ Kinda like the movie Easy Rider. No. That's exactly what it was like. Yeah.
- ↑ He called his mom-pig on a payphone to pick him up in Maine
- ↑ And gotten bored with.
- ↑ These substances included genuine Hawaiian lava and poi.
- ↑ Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology.
- ↑ Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
- ↑ Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.
- ↑ Or—as they called it—The Hood.
- ↑ Reason: "It's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii."
- ↑ Plus, being a politician is the only kind of career where dorks can succeed.
- ↑ His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
- ↑ The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
- ↑ He campaigned under the slogan "Vote Obama: Trust Him."
- ↑ All media is liberal media.
- ↑ And every other President in history
- ↑ It is speculated by historians that had Lincoln not dilivered this speech, the south would have won the civil war and Barack Obama's father would have been made into a slave upon his arrival to American, thus making Obama 100% white as oppose to 50%. It is also speculated that Obama's name would have been Barry O'Brien.
- ↑ One of them might have been Mexican, but don't quote me!
- ↑ Clinton is said to still be smoldering over her defeat in a campaign bus last spotted in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in south Arkansas.
- ↑ Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...
edit See also
- Barack Obama's birth
- Barack Obama's Teleprompter
- Baraq Hussein Osama
- Obama and card stacking
- Pre-Presidential Accomplishments of Barack Obama
- Yes, we can!
- Barack Obama (rapper)
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