User:EpicWinner/George W. Bush
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|George W. Bush|
|Date of birth||July 6, 1946|
|Place of birth||New Heaven, Connecticut|
|Date of death|
|Place of death||N/A|
|First Lady||Laura Welch Bush|
|Vice President||Dick Cheney|
|Term of office||2001–|
|Preceded by||Slick Willie Blythe|
|Succeeded by||Dick Cheney|
“Our enemies...never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
- ~ George W. Bush on his administration
George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush (born July 6, 1946) is an American politician, businessman, and full-time comedian who was the 43rd President of the United States from 2001 to 2009 and the 46th Governor of Texas from 1995 to 2000. Allegedly the result of a genetic experiment in which the genes of George H. W. Bush were crossed with a now mysterious figure known only as "Odwina", Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut. After graduating from Yale University in 1968 and Harvard Business School in 1975, he worked in the energy business. He married Laura Welch in 1977 and assembled the partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise shortly thereafter, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale.
Bush served for six glorious years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation for bipartisanship and as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the U.S. Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George. Bush was elected president in 2000 after a fair and balanced election, where he successfully defeated Al Gore.
Eight months into Bush's first term as president, 9/11 occurred. In response, Bush announced the War on Terror, an entirely peaceful means of bringing about change that was widely regarded as necessary. As part of the War on Terror, the Iraq War came into fruition; it involved liberating the people of Iraq by relieving more than 30,000 of living. In addition to national security issues, Bush also worked with Congress to promote policies on the economy, health care, education, and social security reform. This helped transform America into an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans.
With the nation rallied behind him and his goals, Bush successfully ran for re-election against Democratic Senator John Kerry in 2004, in another fair and balanced election. After his re-election, Bush received increasingly heated lies and slander from the liberal media for his handling of the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and numerous other things that he actually handled very well. Unfortunately, the Democratic Party won control of Congress in the 2006 elections, and in December 2007, plunged the United States into its longest post–World War II recession, often referred to as the "Great Recession." Bush enacted multiple economic programs to stabilize America's weak economy and reverse the damage the libtards had done, but it was too late by then.
Among intelligent Americans, Bush was one of the most popular presidents in history. These Americans have often characterized him as a the most intelligent, well-meaning and truly capable President who ruled America with a pink, frilly fist, and the only one to consistently tell the truth. In fact, said presidency is already being referred to as "America's Golden Presidency". However, certain members of the liberal media claim that Bush has fostered an epidemic of Bush Hatred Syndrome (BHS), an illness which has been claimed to infect 65% of the American public and 95% of the world.
Bush left office in 2009, and was succeeded as president by Baraq Hussein Osama, who ran on a platform of change from Bush's policies. Since leaving office, Bush has settled down with his family in Dallas, Texas. He is currently working as a public speaker, author, and frontman of the long-lived but unsuccessful band ITSLYM. Although Bush's presidency has been ranked among the worst among delusional libs, his favorability ratings among said libs have improved since he left office. Since Baraq Hussein Osama has turned out to be the worst president ever, we can only hope George W. Bush will return someday.
Bush (or "W.", short for "wonderful" to his friends - but then, all American's are W.'s friends, and he loves them all equally) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven, Connecticut, and grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas, where he spent his formative years learning to walk like a man carrying two invisible hay bales. In his early adulthood, he was a cocaine-abuser and low achiever. He always wanted to be an astronaut, but when he grew up he found that NASA wasn't sending chimps into space anymore.
Bush was lated accepted into Yale University. According to the liberal media, he was accepted under the Ivy League school's affirmative action program for mentally retarded, coked up sons of prominent alumni, and graduated at five spots above the bottom of his high school class. However, as we all know, the true story is that he received a master's degree in history from Yale University in 1968. During this time, he played in a band with Jeb Bush and Bill O'Reilly called "The Underachieving sons of Wealthy Sugar-Daddies", in which he played jugs to the tune of songs by the Beverley Sisters.
After graduation, Bush served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he single-handedly saved America from Vietcongs during the last stage of the Vietnam War in Texas. As a result, he was awarded a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. This helped cement Bush's status as a True American Hero. In 1975, he received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School.
Following this, he moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties. After working on his father’s successful 1988 Presidential campaign, Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years are documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger. On November 8, 1994, Bush entered a life of humble political service, and was elected as the final Governor of Texas.
Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who occasionally beats him with whips and chains and was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular television show Leave It to Beaver. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie.
- “War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.”
- ~ George W. Bush on war
edit Domestic policy
edit Economic policy
Since becoming President of the United States in 2001, President Bush has worked with the Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans. In his first year alone, he stopped the bitter feuding between ants, raised the Titanic, and provided equal rights for hummingbirds with bipolar depression. Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, he signed into law tax relief that helps workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs.
In a series of three separate tax cuts—widely accepted to be the greatest achievements in financial history—Bush helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding surge in stock market prices across his presidency. Riding on a huge wave of unprecedented popularity, he convinced Congress to stop payment on all debts except for China. He also eliminated homelessness in the Continental states and is the first president since Tom Dewey to witness the gap between rich and poor decrease in the United States.
edit Patriot Act
After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Bush introduced and later signed the USA Patriot Act. This patriotic act keeps America free. As of 2006, several unpatriotic members of congress have decided to oppose freedom and try to get parts of the act repealed. However, thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, it still protects America. The Patriot Act helped Bush create a theocracy known as "Greater Amerika", where everyone must love Bush and America. Republicans are delighted by this, as it allows Bush to become more popular and beloved than he ever was before. He additionally drafted and signed the most comprehensive education reform in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation is ushering in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation’s fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution and artwork).
In 2002, Bush (and many other Americans) got so fed up with Osama bin Laden that he ordered Donald Rumsfeld to personally walk into the desert in Southern Afganistan to look for him. After a few weeks of trying their hardest to find bin Laden, the "Ignore It and It'll Go Away" policy was implemented. Later, in 2004, Bush began a series of exhaustive and noble efforts at uniting east-coast and west-coast rappers. His efforts were a success, and white rapper Vanilla Ice won another record deal in the process.
Bush proposed a bill in 2005 that would make him the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Senate. He also proposed that, in war-time, he could be given emergency powers and assemble a supreme army of the Republicans with which to fight the evil Democratic Separatists. At wars end, he would relinquish those powers. When asked by reporters if he would abuse these powers, he electrocuted them with lightning from his hands. He then had the Senate disbanded, giving control directly to the individual governors.
That same year, he passed legislation that added the 28th Amendment to the US Constitution, banning human clothing. He wrote the amendment all by himself, with crayons. In 2006, George W. Bush passed legislation that added the 30th Amendment to the US Constitution (also known as the "Freedom Amendment"), guaranteeing all forms of personal privacy in all circumstances to be sacrosanct, protected from search by government or any other unwelcome party. Unfortunately, this amendment was reversed by Baraq Hussein Osama once he became president.
President Bush has also tirelessly worked to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications co/PR Desk for your own copies. Additional achievements of the president include increasing homeownership, especially among minorities, including special, first-of-its-kind protection for the white, middle class male minority; conserving our environment (fiscal and otherwise); and increasing military strength, pay, and benefits.
On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast and caused widespread damage, including flooding New Orleans. Despite harsh criticism from liberal pundits such as Kanye West, Bush wasted no time in dispatching FEMA to the scene. Due to his love of the city, its traditions, and all of its people, including its black people, Bush gave numerous conferences while he rallied the nearly full strength Louisiana National Guard to go on rescue missions. African American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice helped secure cooperation from other nations, while Michael Brown, who has several close black friends, helped establish aid for those who had been rescued. Thanks to funding secured by the president, the city is being rebuilt to all of its glory, tradition, and especially ethnic diversity. In keeping with the relaxed and unhurried traditions of that once great city, this is happening at a leisurely pace.
Bush is credited, along with the wise overlords of Clear Channel Communications, with finally ridding the airwaves of that scourge of country music, the Dixie Chicks. Elsewhere, his speeches have been transcribed into prize-winning literary collections; Salmon Rushdie was overheard saying, "Bush is certainly a cunning linguist." Because President Bush believes the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and wallets of our citizens, he has supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirms America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the meter maid to the postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.
During his terms in office, President Bush has worked with the Attorney General's office to help ensure a woman's right to give birth. The President also encourages more women to take important positions in the nation's workforce, due to his strong belief that women are as equally capable of operating the Cannon copiers and taking dictation as men.
edit Foreign policy
edit September 11 attacks
On the morning of September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the American Nation because they hate freedom. Since then, President Bush has taken unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole of the world, and created a world free from terror. He is grateful for the service and sacrifice of the brave men and women in uniform and their families. Having honorably served in the armed forces, and taking decisive steps to help create America's proud amputee forces, has helped him bond with the troops under his command.
The President is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends and allies will succeed in making every single country on Earth more secure, and more peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", in that peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, much like fallen dominoes.
edit War on Terra
Bush has continued taking the War on Terra to the enemies of freedom before they can come to us.
edit Iraq War
Due to the threat of weapons of mass destruction being used against the United States homeland, Bush bravely overcame world resistance against launching a war for the liberation of the Iraqi people. With US effort, Security Council resolution 1441 was passed, granting the US the authority to invade Iraq. With continued Iraqi belligerence, America was left with no option but to declare war on March 20, 2003. Terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein (both of them) were quickly overpowered. Presently, the country is on the road to a record-pace reconstruction despite the best efforts of the media to encourage violence.
While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld led to an catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into Syria and Iran, which are presently preparing to use them against the United States homeland. Bush is currently working on bravely overcoming world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people.
North Korea's bids for notoriety have only been reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions.
edit Public image, personal life, and achievements
Bush made his debut to the public in 2000, as an accomplished leader who promised to bring America back to its roots after the corruption and scandals of Slick Willie Blythe. His talents include stuttering on national television, running from public service that isn't fun, and publicly flaunting his intelligence. Elsewhere, his speeches have been transcribed into prize-winning literary collections; Salmon Rushdie was once overheard saying "Bush is certainly a cunning linguist." Due to a lack of Republicans, Mensa has also made Bush an honorary member within the organization.
Bush became the first acting President to be awarded the Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor. The Medal of Valor is normally given by President however as Bush knew he would look silly on camera giving the award to himself, Congress passed a special law enabling them to award the Medal of Valor when the awardee is acting President. The medal was given to Bush due to his exceptional bravery during the events of 9/11, where he managed to keep a cool head while the worst attacks ever to occur on American soil were being carried out.
However, many liberals have accused him of causing an epidemic of Bush Hatred Syndrome (BHS). Symptoms of BHS include an irresistible urge to denounce everything Bush does or says, and to compare him to dictators, mass murderers and the anti-Christ. BHS also causes its victims to blame Bush for personally causing every evil of the world, including natural disasters, global warming, and global cooling. BHS is caused by a parasitic worm, which terrorists cultivate in their own digestive system, before intentionally infecting God fearing Americans. Pathetic liberals claim that BHS has arisen due to Bush's astounding level of ineptitude and maleficence, but there has been nothing to prove this.
Liberals have also tried to impeach Bush on the grounds that "he doesn't have a brain, but rather an acorn." A leading ultra-radical conservative said that it seriously risked national security and several countries may have to be nuked as a result. The CIA denied any possibility of it happening stating that aliens are probably the more likely cause. These same liberals have accused our noble president of giving the the orders for 9/11, and claim he is "synonymous with failure", as recognized by that CommieLib hideout Google.
Bush's capitalist views have led him to the obvious conclusion that science is, in fact, a slightly unruly branch of the legal system. He advocates intelligent design being taught at schools, and has singled out subversive organisations like the National Academy of Sciences for adhere ring such barbaric practices as "research" and even the obscene "peer review". While he has never commented publicly, many CommieLib commentators have suggested his views on intelligent design arose because he finds it hard to believe that evolution could result in a human society stupid enough to elect him. These Lib theorems have been comprehensively disproven by teams of respected lawyers such as Keith Chegwin and the androgynous Jimmy Kranky, who have proven beyond reasonable doubt that Global Warming is in fact a breach of the 29th Amendment of the Constitution and therefore impossible. The validity of this position was further strengthened by reknowned sciento-lobbyist Myron Ebell who has no hidden agenda (and anyone who says otherwise will be sued by his employer, Exxon).
In 2002, while Bush was presenting Steve Nash with a plaque to honor him with becoming the NBA's International Delegate for Peace and Justice, Nash suddenly attempted to stab Bush with a broken syrup bottle. He was subdued and went on to receive his plaque.
In 2005, Bush was employed by George Lucas to play Palpatine in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Since Lucas is a typical liberal and provided Bush with a hilariously bungled script and ill-fitting costume, he was fired and replaced in post-production with Ian McDiarmid. However, if one pays close attention, he is still visible in several scenes, most notably when he mumbles orders to nuke Utapau.
On January 1, 2006, Bush officially opened the George W. Bush Theme Park along with his pet rock, Terry.
Bush was also infamous for the long-lived but unsuccessful band ITSLYM. The band has sold over four copies worldwide.
edit See also
- Bush Family
- "Troops on the Ground"
- WMD (Donuts)
- Dubya the Dumb-Assed President
- George Bush 2.0
- My Pet Goat
- American Empire
- George W. Bush Conspiracy Generator
- Bush's first attempt at MTV
- State of the Union address
- Dubya came out of the closet
- ↑ Also known as "George Wonderful Bush" and "George Dubya Bush".