UnNews:Mickey Mouse, K.I.A
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
25 January 2012
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Disneyland Kabul, Afghanistan -- After many years of movie work, being a mascot at Disneyland, and raping little kids, Mickey Mouse traded in his stupid ass pants for full military uniform. This was not the first time Mickey was in war. Mickey fought in World War II, where he was confused and accidentally fought for the Nazis. The American government said it was all a misunderstanding and allowed Mickey to come back home alive rather than in a body bag.
Almost immediately after signing into the army, he was packed into a box and flown to Afghanistan where he was given his weapon and sent for a full military briefing. The Walt Disney Corporation decided to help with the situation in the Middle East by building a theme park. They built Disneyland Kabul in Afghanistan where they hoped to "achieve peace through fun." This didn't really work as the terrorists saw this park as the work of the infidels. Unfortunately, some of the soldiers in the U.S military who were gay immediately left ranks to go play in the park. The terrorists took this as an opportunity to storm the theme park and torched the place. When the military regrouped, they held their ground outside the park. The terrorists then held hostages, which include mascots, clowns, and Disney princesses (a.k.a prostitutes). Pvt. Mickey Mouse was then to told to lead a group of SEALS, clear the theme park, and free the hostages. Mickey Mouse then left in his Volkswagen Minibus to the theme park. At the theme park, Mickey led the SEALS into the park through the loading dock where they immediately encountered opposition. Startled, Mickey Mouse screamed like a little Bieber and attempted to jump into the window of a food stall. His head got stuck in the window and he was repeatedly shot in the ass until a terrorist fired an RPG. The resulting explosion killed Mickey Mouse with a cartoon splat. The SEALS then retreated back through the loading docks, completely unscathed. All of the witnesses were then killed and the military decided to level Disneyland Kabul with artillery strikes. Mickey Mouse will be remembered as one of the greatest and the gayest media icons of the world and the worst soldier history will ever see. It is rumored that the Afghan government will actually be using the location of Disneyland Kabul as a tourist attraction.Disney has yet to comment on the destruction of Disneyland Kabul.