User:EpicNinjaMonkey/UnNews:Man Killed in Lawnmower Accident
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29 January 2012
Fairfax, Virginia -- John Smith,95, decided to mow his lawn this morning at 6 a.m. After putting on Snuggie and ass warmer, he started up the lawnmower and began to mow the lawn. He was feeling a little reckless, so he decided to travel at the excessive speed of 4 mph (6.4 kph). Due to the danger of this speed at his age, he began to feel nauseous and screamed. Disturbed neighbors threw random objects at Mr. Smith, including leftover food, an iron dildo, an iPod, a dictionary, a baby, a glass eye, and several cats. One of these cats, named Mr. Whiskers landed near the lawnmower and was run over by Mr. Smith. The cat jammed up the motor of the lawnmower creating a very large and unrealistic explosion. Mr. Smith's ass warmer exploded as well adding to the fiery inferno. Neighbors watched the lawnmower in awe and called the paramedics, who at this time of the morning were in some strip club or another. There wasn't much for the paramedics to do about John Smith because the cat's remains, John, and the lawnmower all looked the same. In the end, we must grieve for those who have been killed today. The John Deere lawnmower and Mr. Whiskers will be remembered an be in the hearts of all Americans.
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