User:EpicAwesomeness/White Men Can't Jump

This is a white man, but can he jump?

The theory that white men can't jump is a popular scientific concept, first researched by depressed biologist Ron Shelton in 1978, during the "WTF" years of science. Since then, American scientists have taken the liberty to transform it into a fully fledged investigation, costing the United States government approximately two million dollars in research equipment and beer. The project, codenamed Operation: We Have Nothing Better To Do (WHNBTD), remained a national secret until late 2007, when a public dossier was released by the Ministry of Defense detailing the project up to that point. In 2011, following the death of Osama Bin Laden, the government deemed it safe to reveal to the public that the results of the investigation had shown that white men cannot jump.

However, Barack Obama has already commissioned follow-up tests to see, among other things, if black men can jump, if white women can jump and if white minors (those under eighteen) can jump. In a October 2011 press conference, the President said: "I am granting the government's science department approximately sixty million dollars to continue research on man's jumping ability. This information is crucial to the end the war on terror."

The theory

Shelton's original theory, written in 1978, were the four words "White men cannot jump" typed on a suspiciously foul-smelling post-it note with a list of assorted foodstuffs, possibly a shopping list, scribbled on the reverse. The crucial concept was there: that white men can't jump. This, in more complex terms, asks if the leg muscles in white males are less powerful than in those of others, to the extent that they cannot jump.

The Oxford Dictionary defines jumping as thus: "...to push oneself off a surface and into the air by using the muscles in one’s legs and feet". Therefore, Shelton theorized that it would be impossible for a white male to channel the strength in his leg and foot muscles — if any — in such a way that the legs would push up with enough force to lift the man from the surface he would be standing on, allowing him to temporarily bypass the laws of gravity and get some self esteem in his poor, pathetic, life.

Upon the paper's introduction to leading lights in the US government, top scientists expanded on Shelton's briefest of descriptions. They elaborated on the concept that white men could not jump, struggling to reach an exact benchmark which jumping could be measured by. Following study of Newton, Einstein and Lynch, they concluded that a "jump" would have to be at least six feet tall so as not to be confused with spasms or the like.

Research

Who needs the cure for cancer?

Testing was carried out over a period of over twenty years and cost approximately two million dollars. As chief researcher Tomas Vilsack explained, "It was a high budget project. It's really hard testing something like this, so we needed lots of equipment. High speed cameras. Golden rulers. We also had to call in the MythBusters."

The method of testing was, putting it simply, to gather many white men and tell them to jump. However, this was a very complicated process, with each jump having to be measured precisely, to the closest 34 centimeters. All manner of white men had to be tested, from youthful eighteen-year-olds to crippled elderly people. Nationality was also addressed as a key factor, with both British and American white males being tested.

Several problems did arise. Most notably, a black man, Nathan Castle, managed to be tested without anyone noticing and his results later had to be pulled from the database. One researcher explained: "He was wearing a plain white t-shirt, and that sure fooled us." Castle was later charged with sexual harassment in an unrelated event and imprisoned.

In total, over 600,000 white males were tested to see if the theory was true. Going at an average of three white guys per day (or 3 wg/d), the testing was complete by early 2003, and approximately 350 staff were immediately fired as they were of no use, at least until the faked killing of Osama bin Laden (Operation: Lies, Dammed Lies) came to fruition.

A senior analyst, enjoying his porn break.

Results

In 2004, scientists initiated phase two of the project — cocktails all round. Once this was completed, the staff who had not been jailed began to pool the data to reach a conclusive answer. Even this had to be done with blazing accuracy, for the smallest mistake could cripple the US military systems, as well as get everyone fired. In fear of the MS Calculator crashing, analysts decided to oversee every data point being chucked carelessly into the equation, and then became bored and went off to see a movie.

In order to get the most comprehensive results, any "abnormalities" would have to be removed, as is standard scientific procedure. Staff decided that a jump height of over five centimeters would be considered abnormal, as, in the words of Vilsack, "When was the last time you saw a white guy jump?". This decision led to the removal of over 450,000 results, leaving under 50,000 to go by. However, in consideration of their benchmark height, the team quickly concluded that white men cannot jump, and thusly went out to buy some McDonald's.

Controversy

There was a range of controversy surrounding the testing when the public got a hold of it. Most notably, the World Wildlife Fund began boycotting the US government, claiming that the testing was "blatant animal cruelty, for which you all deserve to burn in hell". A somewhat smug letter from the Chief of Science corrected them, but meanwhile, several dozen citizens began protesting that the project was a complete waste of money. Janet Brogan, 52, wrote to the Science Department, claiming that "This is a total waste of taxpayer's money. I cannot understand why you [would] do this, let alone how. And what happened to the cure for cancer?" The government failed to write a responsive letter, instead going into sulking mode and attempting to do its experiments more privately.

Barack Obama declares his cunning plans to a hall full of single parents.

Following the announcement that white men cannot jump, many white men reacted badly. White male accountant Bartholomew Thorpe spoke in public about the supposed idiocy of the decision. He started his speech with "Of course I can jump. Look!" and attempted to jump, but was shot in the leg by a government assassin, launching a pathetic three inches into the air and silencing any other protesters.

Further testing

Following his introduction to office, President Obama immediately commissioned a number of follow-up tests, all designed to see the jumping properties of various ethnic groups. Research is planned to begin in June 2012 and is calculated to take until mid-2059, not accounting for fires, budget cuts, strikes or the apocalypse. President Obama announced in a press conference: "The importance of finding out whether white men can or cannot jump lies with comparing it to whether other persons can or cannot jump. Thusly, I have commissioned a [pauses; makes gesture that teleprompter has malfunctioned] thing... which will see if other people... that are not white men... can jump... or not."

Some public backlash came out after it emerged that the funding for Operation WHNBTD: Part II was around $60 million worth of taxpayer's money, roughly equal to the budget of a low profile action comedy. The new Head of Science, Robert Large, released a statement in which he said that the spending of $60 million was perfectly justifiable. "It's fine!" he claimed. "So what if there's one less government-funded low profile action comedy? We're using that mony for something more important, at least in our book".

See also

• Mad science
• Black people
• White people
• Government
• Stupidity