User:Eoininho/County Naas

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about County Naas.
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A local girl being tried for witchcraft.

County Naas (Co. Nass) is the town of Naas and all of its little shitty satellite towns and villages, such as:

  • Kill which serves as a storage town and dump.
  • Scenic Sallins which is our connection with the outside world with the train station.
  • Ballymore, where we use the people as guinea pigs, testing long term effects of alcohol etc.
  • Eadestown, we are yet to find a use for Eadestown, but over the years it has been a pool for attractive women so we're considering pillaging the gorgeous girls from there (watch out).
  • Blessington, we are currently trying to claim Blesso off Wicklow as we want easy access to Tallaght square and drugs.
  • Johnstown, was once the centre of the low frills night during the heyday of the soundhouse. As far as I am aware we no longer have any use for it and have turned it into a very wide road.
  • Punchestown is where we claim no affiliation to, 350 days of the year, we do however call it Naas during the races and when oxegen is on!
  • Carragh, has no known function.
  • Prosperous, has no use other than to have an ironic name.
  • Dunlavin: Home of Joe Roche... that is all.

edit History of Naas

The history of Naas is as unique and impressive as any of the epic tales from ancient Greece and Rome. Naas is the anglicised name for Nas na Riogh which means meeting place of kings. In mythology Naas was ruled by the totalitarian Emperor Cornflake the Great. Cornflake was a war lusting tyrant, philosopher, and immense warrior. The war of 1200 saw Cornflake stretch his empire as far as Sallins. Previous wars saw him capture Kill, Eadestown and even parts of Carragh and Prosperous. The despot encouraged rape and pillaging of these peace loving villages, the beautiful women of Eadestown were to be made Cornflakes mistresses, and the GAA heads of Sallins and Carragh slaves of the empire.

Tracy was Cornflakes personal favourite mistress, a woman of stunning beauty and intelligence. Many believe ‘Madam’ Tracy was the genius behind the man, sharing Cornflakes desire for power and tyranny.

Of the many battles fought during Cornflakes reign the most epic was the ‘10 year war’. Neighbouring Newbridge compiled a vast and mighty army set out to crush Cornflakes Naas Empire. 2 million Newbridge ‘Scumbags’ attacked the walls of Naas on the day that was to be forever known as ‘Newb-day’. ‘The nal’ and ‘the mexx’ were the epicentre of this momentous battle.

Warriors from all corners of Newbridge united to engage in the battle of all battles. Immense is the only word that can describe the vastness of their army, equipped with the most impressive weapons Newbridge had to offer including broken glass bottles and planks with nails in them. Also they boasted some of the fiercest scumbags in Kildare, well known for their animosity in pubs from Newbridge to Sucroft!

Cornflake was undisturbed by their challenge and cockily sent just 300 of Sallins’s finest warriors to crush the Newbridge assault. The insurmountable Newbridge army was wave by wave slaughtered by the Sallins stronghold. Their leader, the infamous pretentious Aido McStout laughed at the growing death count of the scum from Newbridge. ‘THIS IS THE SALLINS BOYS’ he proclaimed after wiping out yet another wave of scum.

But their charismatic leader had his frailties, after crushing yet another attack; McStout felt it was time for celebrations, allowing his army to get complacent. McStout ordered his men to go on the beer and requested 300 crates of Dutch Gold to be delivered to the battle scene at once. During the session he felt it necessary to go for a leisurely swim in the canal… he was never seen again, rumour had it he was speared from behind, others say he just went lookin for smoke. Early the following morning the Newbridge boys attacked once again, now leaderless and very hungover the Sallins boys suffered the same fate as the Newbridge scumbags did in the battles previous… annihilation!

Cornflake was angered the Sallins boys got pissed but was none the less pleased the Newbridge army had been severely depleted.

Lego land was one of the areas captured by the Newbridge scumbags. Cornflake viewed Lego land as a key stronghold he desperately wanted to regain. Ikeano, a rogue warrior from the slums of the Dale, was well known as the finest most brutal solider in the empire. Some even believed he was invincible.

Previous battles had seen the Dale become a self sufficient break away province of the empire, Cornflake desperately wanted to reunite the different blocks in order to unleash Ikeano and the Dale boys against the fierce Scumbags of Newbridge.

edit Places of Interest during your stay in Naas

IMG 3570w
The Naas Town Centre Penis, a wonder of modern architecture.
  • The Ball: Our answer to the Eiffel Tower, the Golden Gate Bridge,... etc. All of these other attractions are good, but are any of them on a Guinness ad? Are any of them balls? No!
  • The Naas Town Centre Penis: A feat of Architectural GENIUS! Newbridge might have The White Water.. but do they have a Knob (apart from the people living there)?
  • Lego Land: Our answer to 'The Great Pyramids'. Rumour has it this took over 100 years to build, seven hundered million pieces of lego were used in its construction, and was put together by 10,000 Polish slaves to mark the life and death of 'Emperor Cornflake the Drunk'.
  • The Dip: Our answer to the Grand Canyon, not quite as impressive but serves a useful commuity function, football pitch and knacker drinking haven.
  • The Mexx: Future buriel site of Ed Walshe, in years to come will have equal significance in terms of the attracting tourists to that of Jim Morrison's grave in Paris!
  • The Nal: Our answer to The Nile, The Mississippi and The Liffey. Squating place of rats, bums, and roudy teens.
  • The Courthouse: Our answer to The Old Bailey. Has been used in many hollywood movies, main function now is to process court cases of Newbridge criminals... as their own court house 'mysteriously' diapeared!!
  • Time: Doesn't really deserve a mention, home of overpriced drink and stuck up women.
  • The Dail: Sometime the Dail (short for Esmondale) has been confused with the Irish Parliament (the Dáil) this couldnt be further away from the truth! The Dail is the slum area of County Naas, similar to the Shanty Towns or Favela's in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. Its population is made up mainly of oppressed immigrants from Dublin, and is therefore an epicentre for crime, drugs, antisocial behaviour and worst... Keano!
  • Monread: I cant think of anythin funny to say about Monread that wont get me murdered! (It has a gym... please please dont kill me!!!)
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