User:Engl1shman/HowTo:Find Heaven

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Finding Heaven is a worry for many people, mainly Christians. However, contrary to popular belief, finding Heaven is actually relatively simple. Since Heaven first appeared four and a half million years ago, there have been literally tens of people attempting to document what it is, where it is, how to get there, who created it, what type of sandwiches you can expect when you get there, what the entertainment is like and, most importantly, how much it costs to get in.

edit What is Heaven?

Pearly Gates

Saint Hulk takes his job as Guardian of the Gates of Heaven very seriously.

Heaven is a place. It is located on the dark side of the moon, and has therefore been hidden from view to Earth-bound humanity. It is approximately the size of Scotland, but due to its links to the fifth dimension, has been able to accommodate healthy numbers of new inhabitants every year without overcrowding. Ignoring the science behind the expandable space, the entrance has remained in a static location, which is handy. One famous religion described the entrance to Heaven as being "pearly gates" guarded by Saint Peter. Whilst there is some truth in this, the sketchy details provided have recently been clarified by use of a large mirror that was placed on Mars by NASA, and a large photographic telescope. Saint Peter retired from his job as guardian of the Gates of Heaven following an unfortunate incident at his refusal to allow a group of three particularly vicious Do Gooders to enter Heaven. Since that time, he employed Hulk Hogan as his replacement due to his bulky frame, hard headed logic and pious nature. Hogan has taken his job very seriously and has performed his duties admirably, earning him "employee of the month" from Jesus three times in his first year of service. The Pearly Gates are actually colored gold.

Heaven has recently undergone extensive renovation to correct some structural deficiencies in its original design and to introduce a more modern feel to the decor. Entering the gates, a number of "greeters" welcome newcomers to their new home. Until recently, the head greeter was accompanied by two harpists, however, it was felt by the King of Hosts that harps were now becoming somewhat archaic. Simon and Garfunkel have therefore since been enjoined to take the welcoming duty.

Once beyond the welcoming committee, new arrivals are required to sign in at reception, where there is a range of complimentary mints and drinks. This ends the standard entry ritual for getting in to Heaven. Individuals are then pretty much able to create whatever reality they desire from that point on for the rest of eternity; which is quite nice really.

edit Past misconceptions

Finding Heaven has been the subject of numerous misconceptions in the past, notably from the various religions that have made attempts to document its location and its nature. One of the original concepts was formed by harp-loving Christians who described Heaven as a place where angels sang and played the harp continually for all eternity. This crushingly boring idea was incredibly accepted and adopted in to The Bible. Later, the author of the The Bible added a menu of Milk and Honey, remembering that people like nice food. This addition did little to garner more followers to the religion, and in later editions of The Bible, writers added a number of board games and arts & crafts to the daily agenda. Other religions have upgraded this rather dull concept by introducing virgins into the mix.

edit How to get to Heaven

God Greeting

God likes to personally greet new arrivals

All of the above concepts have, since the introduction of the Mars Mirror been found to be rubbish. Heaven has a wide selection of music and the menu is changed on a daily basis. Activities range from sports and hobbies to watching movies and gambling. The Prime Minister of Heaven, God, has employed several activities managers to keep the billions of residents entertained. His unlimited power and omnipresence allows him to keep a watchful eye on the running of Heaven at all times, thus ensuring a perfectly efficient staff and very competitive fees.

Getting in to Heaven has recently been made much simpler, with a shortened application form in multiple languages being required prior to acceptance. The formerly strict qualifications for entry have been relaxed in light of alleged discrimination against some religious minorities. After death, applicants are guided through the application procedure by helpful, naked angels. They are provided with complimentary tea and coffee and shown a short promotional DVD before being escorted in to an interview room. The formal interview is often conducted by a qualified saint, who has the purpose of vetting applicants before they are allowed to move on to the second interview stage. The second interview is conducted by Jesus Christ, or, on his days off, by Mohammed. God retains the power to veto any decisions made.

Upon arrival and after the greeting procedure, God likes to personally welcome new arrivals and, for VIP guests, likes to perform a short play that he wrote and is very proud of. He also holds a weekly general assembly in which he talks at length about a number of his favorite topics including wrestling, knitting, intergalactic politics and the formation of life.

edit Restrictions

There are several restrictions to getting in to Heaven. Whilst this list is not fully comprehensive, it does highlight some of the more common limitations:

  • People that have murdered
  • Non-smokers
  • Wasps
  • French Politicians
  • Morris dancers
  • Baboons
  • Prostitutes
  • Employees of Coca-Cola
  • Psychiatrists
  • Giraffes
  • Traffic Wardens

As most of the qualifications are lifestyle decisions, most people find that they are good to go.

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