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“The problem with time travel is that you never know if you're coming or going.”
“The Science Vulcan Directorate has determined that time travel is...not fair.”
- Warning: Some time travellers who travelled through time never got the time to travel back to time. These travellers have been identified as non-existant in the Matrix Database (Anubis Universe). If you need to visit the toilet in the 12th century just to see them suffocate in the smell, please remember not to suffocate in it too. Come to think of it, I don't really remember anyone becoming non-existant... must be that the Matrix has edited my memory. (Does this belong here...?)
Time travel, as lots of nerds point out, just before you punch them (and also just after you punch them a second time after traveling back in time to before they said it), is something everyone does all the time: "why, you're traveling into the future right now. Ouch. At one second per second. Ow." Cool time travel involves at least some going back in time. Really cool time travel involves going back in time and also getting laid, though this is dangerous for reasons which will be explained later.
edit Early period
Time travel first appeared in speculative fiction, most notably H. G. Wells's 1898 novel Dude, Where's My Time Machine?. Practical time travel was not far behind. The devil started selling time travel vacations on a contract basis, in exchange for souls, but his only client at this time was the fictional character Enoch Soames. In 1905, the secret to traveling forward in time was discovered eight long and sweaty months after Dr. Ernest Keller (from the year 2108) discovered that his time machine could not do that. It was widely popularized after being independently developed, or stolen, by Albert Einstein. The secret to traveling backward in time wasn't--won't be--won't have been--discovered until 2108, again by Keller.
In 1907, Einstein said to his colleague Snoop Dogg, "It would be totally pimp if we could screw with time," to which Snoop replied, "Fo shizzle, ma nizzle." Their partnership resulted in the landmark 1908 paper describing the general principles of theoretical time travel.
According to "Time travel: An Examinizzle of Underlying Principizzles," there are four main types of time travel:
- traveling in the future
- traveling in the present
- traveling in the past
- traveling in Utah (Necronomicon required)
The most difficult of these is traveling in the present. It mustn't be confused with living in the present, which is hazardous. The main problem with traveling in the present is that in the absence of gravitational distortions(such as ones caused by black holes), time goes on. In order to be able to travel in the present, one would have to make time stand still. Einstein proposed an experiment with clocks in order to achieve this. Three clocks were positioned in different places and were all fixed to 11:59:59 PM. The clocks were then observed for three days while they were forced to remain at 11:59:59 PM. E-dog and the Snoop, however, were disappointed with the inconclusive results of this experiment. Snoop Dizzle later admitted that under these circumstances, traveling in the present would only be possible in thought experiments, not in reality.
The paper also described several problems with time travel in the past, namely:
- High energy cost
- Time paradoxes
- Use as a crutch in science fiction
- Possibility of killing past selves and/or destroying the universe
- Chronomotive nausea
- Time only started three years ago.
The United States Government, at the urging of Einstein and Snoop Dogg, began a project to develop a time machine capable of taking O.S.S. agents back in time to 1920, where they would kill the imprisoned Hitler before his rise to Chancellor of the Weimar Republic. However, Einstein, Snoop Dogg, and J. Robert Oppenheimer became concerned that time travel would be misused, and requested to be transferred to another project. The U.S. government set them to work on the Manhattan Project, developing an atomic bomb to "tear the roof off" of Germany.
edit Postwar developments
In 1985, a new discovery reportedly linked DeLoreans going at 88 Miles Per Hour and time travel. The first paper on this new line of research, "What happens when you push a DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour?" (by Dr. Emmet Brown and Marty McFly) described a relationship between linear ground velocity and temporal velocity. However, this fruitful collaboration came to an end when the team stopped publishing papers in 1990. Rumor has it that Dr. Brown grew tired of time travel and retired, though no one has been able to locate him or his assistant for interviews.
In 1989, experimental physicists Bill and Ted discovered a natural form of time travel involving a phone booth, which won them the Nobel Prize for experimental physics. They used their discovery to go back in time and write the second amendment to the United States Constitution, which says "All book-to-movie translations suck; also, San Dimas is awesome; third, every Friday is now Casual Friday." Constitutional scholars have debated for centuries about the exact nature and the extent of these rights.
Time travel is currently outlawed in 105 countries because science fiction writers still haven't figured out how it works. Time travel is legal in the United States (or the corresponding geographic territory) for 1,000 years in either direction from 2005. Criminal evidence obtained using time travel is admissible in court only when no one in the past saw the evidence being collected.
Alberto Einstein eventually discovered time travel at an orgy; however,it is unknown why, how or even when this works. The only reason scientists believe this is because the Pope said so, and since he's the highest authority on all things scientific, there's really no room for argument.
edit Recent events & Gossip
The Supreme Court recently ruled against the controversial Right to Casual Friday in Leeloo Dallas v. Utah, citing time travel. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Jesus Hernandez Christ wrote, "The Second Amendment really does look like it was written by a couple of dumbass kids. Even the penmanship sucks."
Like a single frame of pornography in a children's movie, the word "TARDIS" seems to be appearing more and more frequently in time travel periodicals such as the New England Journal of Temporal Research. Apparently, when scientists aren't finding ways to grow extra ears on rats, they're watching old episodes of Dr. Who.
Henry DeTamble, a self-proclaimed time traveler, was recently arrested on charges of breaking and entering and indecent exposure. He claimed that he lost his clothing while time traveling, and was only attempting to keep warm.
In late 2005, the Swiss/American spacecraft toblerONE, while attempting to prove that muffinscopes are edible in outer space, accidentally traveled back in time to 1927. The crew cannot be found, but their diary entries were recovered (somehow). This incident has since been about to be disclosed. The spacecraft's design firm,however(Swiss Hydrogen Integrated Technologies), has yet to start existing. As soon as SHIT does happen, though, answers will become apparent; which should allow for the public to forget not knowing.
edit Future Events
The ability to travel backwards in time will be discovered in 2105 by Dr. Ernest Keller, immediately followed by his trip to the year 1905. He will return precisely one second after his departure and swear to never again travel through time without extensive planning.
After traveling backwards in time becomes popular, the Campaign for Real Time will be set up in response to such events as Hitler's assassination and the creation of the Beatles Reunion album, as well as the famous incident involving the Cathedral of Chalesm.
edit Time Travel Guidelines
- Don't alter anything in the past, because it could mess up the future!
- ...Unless, of course, there is something you need to do, in which case by God don't not do it!
- Sleeping with random women is a good way to be your own grandpa.
- Killing random people can make the future much better...or much worse...or controlled by giant bugs, for no apparent reason.
- If you travel back more than a few million years, be prepared to be caught in some crappy "Garden of Eden" sci-fi cliche.
- Traveling to the future and using that knowledge to win in gambling is a surefire way to kill your father.
- Don't alter anything in the future, because it could mess up the past...errr, wait. What?
- Remember to keep a time travel diary so you'll know what things you changed if you need to go back and erase screwups from a previous trip.
- Remember to bring your own weapons.
- Try and take your first trip through time with somebody who has already done so at least once before, so they can help prevent you from making any foolish mistakes.
- However, keep in mind that your safety cannot be guaranteed, especially if you push it to the limit.
- If you travel into the future and see someone who looks like you, Do NOT kill them, Because that would mean later in your life your past self would pop up and kill you. Sucks doesnt it?
- One sap named Steve Hawking has forbidden time travel. Ignore him, he's just out to get attention.
- Go back and kill the very first butterfly. This will prevent other time travellers from stepping on them and altering the future
- 60% of all future time travelers leave back alive.
- 40% of all future time travelers are too busy drinking to leave.
- If you have a baby while in the past or future, you most likely doom the existence of the universe to certain peril. Imagine nothingness...you can't, but you will experience it if you create what is not meant to be created.
- For Evil Dictators, Do not go into the future and take a super weapon from it to take over the present time. Actually, Do. Because you already did.
- Sometimes it's not a great idea to go back in time to kill someone, Because Destiny might end up having you take their place.
- Don't try to go back in time and try to stop the universe from coming into existance, Because if you do, You'll end up being the cause for existance. So don't, Understand?
- Although you should take your trip through time with someone who has done it once before, never travel in groups larger than three at any time. Doing so will propel you to the End of Time.
- Relive that one night stand again and again...
- ...as well as that infection.
- Accurate past and present tense becomes exceedingly difficult when time travel is thrown into the equation. Don't even try.
- If you should have no choice but to meet with your past self, explain things in plain English. This is you you'll be talking to, so why confuse yourself with cryptic riddles? You've probably got the universe to save or something, so just get on with it.
- Avoid anyone who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. We don't actually know if Terminators look like Arnie, but chances are the guys who design them will have seen the movies. If I made a Terminator, it would look like Arnie as homage.
- If you do happen to go back, or forwards, in time and really fuck up the universe. Get someone else to go back and right it. WARNING: DO NOT GO BACK AND CHANGE THINGS OTHERWISE THIS IS WHY YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET SOMEONE TO RIGHT IT!
- Most importantly, you can't do anything you want to do in the past, because if you already wanted to do it in the present and you go back into the past and do it, then in the present after this new past you'll have already done it, and you'll have no reason to go back in time in the first place, so you won't, and then you won't do that thing, so you'll have to go back in time again, to do something that you only didn't do in the first place because you already did it long before you began thinking about whether or not to do it, in which case you didn't not do it, but you did also not do it. Basically, If one goes back in time for a purpose, and said purpose is accomplished, the purpose is negated, the time travel has no purpose and does not take place, and the purpose is hence reinstated. A vicious cycle! Fuck! The point is, any and all time travel will result in the implosion of the universe.
edit Known Time Travel Organizations
- The Intertemporal Association of Time Travellers
- Psycho Friends Network
- God-Fearing Republicans how else can George W. Bush win the USA Presidental election twice in a row, despite being very unpopular, unless some form of time travel is used?
edit Time Travel Timeline
- 3098 AD - Mr. T (from universe 1) invents the time travel machine
- 3098 AD - Mr. T (from universe A) does not invent the time travel machine as he(from universe 1) stops himself
- 3098 AD - Schroedinger's cat freezes as a result, as he's not sure whether to die or not
- 373 BC - A time machine gets lost in spacetime and starts a fire in ancient Rome.
- 1976 AD - Aliens abduct random people and plant thoughts of time travel into hostages
- next week - A time traveler conducts a time paradox which leads to the end of the Internet as we know it; also life
- next week - A time traveler conduc... wait... this looks very familiar... perhaps an error in The Matrix
- 1947 AD - Some anonymous asshole steals the time travel machine. He crashes and dies in Roswell, New Mexico
- 2006 AD (9:00 a.m.) - Marty McFly drives onto the Long Island Rail Road track, leading to his time machine being crushed by train for the fifth time
- 2006 AD (9:02 a.m.) - That asshole McFly does the same shit again, two minutes later.
- 2130 AD- Time Safari Inc. sends a small hunting party back to the dinosaurs age, and when they return, Wikipedia exists
- 5956 AD - The milk goes bad
edit Time Travel Paradoxes
edit Temporal Paradox
A Temporal Paradox is a paradox that results from travelling into the past or by travelling into the future, going back to the present, and doing something that prevents you from doing whatever you did in the future. Also, temporal paradoxes can result changing the past so that the "present" never occured, so you could not have travelled back to the past in the first place. As a result, you have never travelled back to the past, and the present was never changed. This leads to a recursive error which results in damage and possibly the annihilation of the space-time continuum.
edit The first time traveler
Another paradoxical quality of time traveling is that the first time traveler is potentially the last time traveler, since it requires knowledge about the previous time travel to go back even further. This leaves for funny dinner party conversation, and is the single most repeated thing to settle by poker games at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Who in fact won this game is not entirely clear because it gets played so many times simultaneously. God usually whines about this because he feels creating time should give precedence. But based on these facts it is extremely likely and not to be ruled out that Chuck Norris became the first time traveler when he wound up his Jack-in-the-box too much as a child causing it to pop so strongly that Chuck Norris's strength contained in the Jack-in-the-box caused him to be pushed back in time. It is speculated, but not for certain, that this was the method Chuck used to return to his own time, and to cause the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
edit Other Time Travel Paradoxes
- Seeing yourself – causing insanity
- Being your own father – a practice often carried out by Republicans, often causing inbreeding, and worse yet more Republicans in case of twins.
- Getting stuck in the moment – causing an infinite reaction of time traveling. The only solution here is for someone to pull you out, or wait until your time machine runs out of batteries. U2 wrote a song about being stuck in the moment, and for that, you too are inherently stuck in the moment. The most common way of getting stuck in the moment is by time traveling to the exact same spot where you left, just before you left, so that your time machine ends up inside itself. It is suspected that emo people are stuck in the moment.
- Incompatibilifying backtravel – a phenomenon that happens when you travel back in time to alter the future in such a way that when you travel into the future, your existence is incompatible with the universe, which makes you implode into an ever-lasting Nirvana concert.
- Deja Vu – getting deja vu inside a time machine is paradoxical because you think you've seen something before, even though you might have seen it after.
Any combination of the above leaves for unpredictable results such as in the example where you are watching yourself have sex with yourself in a time machine that is currently traveling into its own space-time position, thinking I've tried this before while listening to a U2 album. You, not the time machine.
edit Legal Alternatives to Time Travel
edit See Also
- Bill & Ted
- The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel
- Donnie Darko
- Great Time Travel War of 1871
- Mad Science
- Woody Harrelson
- Time Travel Religion
- The Erasmian Method
- Jordan Rudess