User:Eiyuu Kou/UnBooks:The Adventures of Lucas - A Pokemon Story
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Chapter 1: The Beginning
Lucas soon recognized the voice as the one of his mother, and quickly jolted out of bed. An old saying says, "hell hath no fury like a woman". Well, the fury Lucas's mom could release was only comparable to a drunken dad coming home from the bar at 2:00 AM, carrying a loaded shotgun. Lucas quickly got dressed, took a shower, put on his funny beret, and ran downstairs.
"Lucas, I'm glad you're awake," Lucas's mom said cheerily. She was standing in the kitchen in the family’s two-roomed house. Since Lucas sleeps in the top floor of the home, his mother was forced to the bottom floor, which was only one gigantic room to speak of. Lucas's mom looked disheveled, and everything about her told that she was not ready for the day. Lucas shuddered.
"So, Lucas... your friend Barry just called. He said he wants to meet you down at the lake."
Lucas's mom slammed her hands on the kitchen counter. "Listen, you little bastard, Mommy's friends are coming over today to film something and I want you the hell out of my house!"
"But nothing. Get out!"
"GET THE HELL OUT!"
"HEY PROFESSOR HEY PROFESSOR HEY PROFESSOR HEY PROFESSOR," Lucas yelled as obnoxiously as he could, unaware of how much a jackass he was. The Professor sighed and slowly turned around, wondering why he was being bothered so early in the morning.
"What, kid? What do you want?"
"HEY HEY HEY PROFESSOR WHATS IN THAT BRIEFCASE CAN I SEE IT PLEASE I WANT TO SEE IT HEY IS IT COOL COME ON PLEASE I WANNA SEE WHAT YOU HAVE COME ON PLEEEEEEEASE?"
Instinctively, Rowan reached in his back pocket to take out his switchblade and remove himself of the pest, something that he had learned for 25 years, back when he was a Navy SEAL. However, he remained his composure and slowly handed over the briefcase to humor the child.
"Be very gentle with that briefcase, because the contents are very impo-"
In mid sentence, Lucas had decided the briefcase would make an awesome trampoline and had stomped it into submission. Rowan's hand was on the switchblade as he looked at his case covered in shoe marks and with a small hole on it.
"SORRY PROFESSOR OH LOOK A POKEBALL CAME OUT CAN I HAVE IT"
Rowan scratched his head with the hand not on his blade. "Sure, if you can pick this thing up and promise to leave me the hell alone for the rest of the day."
Lucas went to frantically grab the dropped Poké Ball when suddenly something bit his arm.
"OH MY GOD MY ARM IS BIT OH MY GOD IT BIT ME AM I GOING TO DIE PROFESSOR HELLLLLLP"
"Don't worry about it, kid, it's just a harmless Bidoof. Those teeth can barely shell a peanut, let alone injure you in any way. Just shake it of-"
"OH GOD ITS BITING I THINK IT DREW BLOOD HOLY SHIT TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER"
Rowan sighed and bent down. He went into the briefcase, withdrew one of the Poké Balls, and threw it on the ground. "Chimchar, I choose you!" He exclaimed.
A small, monkey-like Pokemon with a flaming tail came out. "Use ember on that Bidoof!" Rowan yelled. Instantly, the Chimchar crouched down and fired a blast of fire onto the Bidoof, tactically missing Lucas and thoroughly burning the Bidoof.
"OH MY GOD THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME COME ON MAN HOW DID YOU DO THAT PLEASE PROFESSOR CAN I HAVE THAT POKEMON PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE?"
Rowan looked at his watch. "Shouldn't you be going home now? We'll talk about this later. Much later..."
Lucas trembled. "NO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW! MY MOM HAS HER FRIEND THE CAMERAMAN OVER NOW AND HE HAS TO TAKE SPECIAL PICTURES"
"Oh yeah," Rowan said. "I've seen her movies on the internet. Costs a freaking fortune though, and I keep getting these e-mails from her website, telling me that I need the adult pass now or whatever. It's a ripoff, especially for that kind of content which I can find from thousands of other women, and she doesn't even do anything other than the basic stuff you'd expect from a woman in her trade. Hell, she rarely even has more than two guys in her films, and no other woman either. It's not exciting or new, and she really overcharges for something that I can even find on a simple google search."
An awkward silence rose for a minute, and then Lucas began to speak in loud tones again.
"SO CAN I HAVE THAT POKEMON MR. PROFESSOR GUY"
The Professor stalled. Chimchar was a rare Pokemon, and he wasn't about to give up a good one to an annoying kid he barely knew.
"Well, I can give you this Pokemon," Rowan said, picking up the Bidoof. The Bidoof was still on fire, and parts of its fur were missing. Its eyes were wide open and a sickening smell was coming out of the Pokemon.
Lucas smiled. "YAY, SO I CAN HAVE MY FIRST POKEMON THEN?!"
"You bet, kid," Rowan said. "But he won't go in a Poké Ball because he's, uh, asleep, so just kind of tie this rope around his neck and you can drag this Pokemon along with you as you go about your adventures." Rowan handed Lucas a rope. "Well, anyway, I have to get back to my lab in... um... Sunnyshore. Yeah. Sunnyshore. Don't go there." With that, Rowan was off, leaving Lucas with his brand new Bidoof.
Lucas hugged Bidoof's smoldering corpse and dragged him home. "I'VE GOT TO TELL MOM I AM GOING TO BE A POKEMON TRAINER NOW," Lucas yelled to himself. He went to his house and opened his front door only to see his mom stretched out in a compromising position on the living room floor.
"HI MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
"Uh... stretching. I'm very... tired."
"HEY MOM I'M GOING TO GO BE A POKEMON MASTER OK"
"Sure. Go. Bye."
"OK BYE MOM"
Lucas ran out of the house again, slamming the front door and skipping off towards his next adventure, with a decaying Bidoof in hand and a dream of adventure in his heart.
Chapter 2: Bidoof's Dawn
Lucas skipped down the road towards his next and only destination, Sandgem town. It had been two hours already; Lucas had already gotten lost twice, stopped to use the bathroom, and also spent thirty minutes vomiting as a result of deciding to eat a purple piece of “candy” that he had found on the side of the road.
Lucas decided to play the “good trainer” as he went to tend to his Bidoof. “HEY BIDOOF HEY HEY HEY ARE YOU OK BIDOOF ARE YOU TIRED DO YOU WANT FOOD OK I WILL GET YOU SOME,” Lucas yelled in his ADHD way. By this time Bidoof was done smoldering and was hard and black. His skin was charred and all that remained was a faint shape of the Pokemon. A thin trail of smoke rose from the back of Bidoof, as well.
Perhaps it was Lucas’s obnoxiously loud voice, or the smoke rising from the rotting carcass of the Bidoof, but either way this attracted Dawn, a young trainer. Dawn had recently graduated from the Pokemon School in Jubilife City and therefore considered herself high above everyone else. She had learned expert tactics in battling and raising Pokemon, and therefore had learned things that even the gym leaders themselves did not know. Dawn did not lack training.
What she did lack was field experience, something that was not too common at the school. She had beaten all the students but lacked the chance to actually fight a “real” trainer, and seeing a loud 10 year old running down the street, carrying some filthy burned thing behind him, Dawn decided this would be a great first battle experience.
Dawn approached Lucas, her hands on the Pokeballs situated on her belt. Little did she know that this conversation would mark the beginning of a long time of torment from a kid who couldn’t talk without slobbering and occasionally wetting himself.
“Hi, I’m Dawn,” Dawn said politely. “I see you are a, um, Pokemon trainer. Let’s fight!”
Lucas looked at Dawn dumbly, simply blinking and taking little breaths. Then, in one stupid yell, he initiated the fight.
“YEAH LETS FIGHT YAY YAY YAY FIGHT FIGHT I WANT TO FIGHT MY POKEMON IS FAST AND STRONG AND COOL AND I LIKE HIM HE IS FUN HE IS MY FRIEND HIS NAME IS BIDOOF WHAT IS YOUR NAME MINE IS LUCAS”
This outburst had completely shocked Dawn, who just realized that she had made a horrible, horrible mistake fighting this kid. Saying nothing, she pulled a Pokeball off her belt and threw it down.
“Turtwig, I choose you!” She yelled.
A small, green, turtle-like creature came out of the Pokeball. It crouched down into a battle ready position and squared up with Lucas.
Lucas, not one to miss anything, quickly jerked the rope in his hand, making the Bidoof fly over his head and slam in front of him.
Dawn winced upon seeing Bidoof.
“That’s your Pokemon?”
“The only one?”
”YEAH DUH I TOLD YOU”
“Well… he looks dead.”
”NO HES SLEEPING YOU DUMB WHORE SHUT UP OK THANKS”
Dawn laughed. “So, this is your Pokemon? You don’t even have a chance, kid. My Turtwig is the product of months of breeding. His Ivs are perfect and I’ve EV trained this thing since the day he was hatched.”
Lucas scoffed. “OH YEAH WELL MY BIDOOF IS COOL HE CAN FLY WATCH GO BIDOOF USE FLY”
At this point Lucas jerked the rope again, slamming the Bidoof into the ground with a sickening THUD. Bones crunched and leaves and twigs flew threw the air as the Pokemon’s body slammed into the hard soil.
Dawn laughed again and then decided to get to business. “Turtwig, use Tackle!” She exclaimed.
Turtwig ran over to Bidoof, his head lowered. However, just inches away from the burning Pokemon, Turtwig stopped and looked back up at Dawn. “Well, what are you waiting for?” Dawn said impatiently.
Lucas saw this as the perfect opportunity to attack. “BIDOOF USE TOXIC!” He yelled so loud that Dawn covered her ears.
Instantly, a terrible smell emitted from the Bidoof and the Turtwig passed out.
“What the hell?” Dawn said. “Bidoof doesn’t learn Toxic!”
”WELL MINE KNOWS IT OK THANKS DON’T BE SUCH A BITCH!” Lucas said confidently. “MY BIDOOF HAS ALL THE MOVES HE IS AWESOME THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST”
Dawn scrunched up her face. “That wasn’t Toxic, I think your Bidoof’s bowels just released, so in this ca-“
Lucas interrupted Dawn’s logical speech with some incoherent yelping of his own. “I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON!” Lucas chanted repeatably, as if Dawn couldn’t figure that out after the first fifty thousand times he said it.
“Ok, ok, ok, you little bastard. You won this time, but you did kind of cheat, I mean I EV trained and your Bidoof just sort of crapped all over my Turtwig.”
”HA HA HA YOU ARE A SORE LOSER HA HA HA HA HA HA I WON”
Dawn was on the verge of tears. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small change purse. Dawn then proceeded to remove a few coins from the purse and handed them over to Lucas, as is what an honorable trainer does after he or she loses a battle.
”OH MY GOD MONEY I LOVE MONEY MY MOM SAYS I CAN’T HAVE MONEY BUT SHE USES IT ON THESE LOTIONS AND THEY TASTE BAD HEY THANKS DO YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS BECAUSE I DO WANT TO HUG MY BIDOOF HE SMELLS LIKE ANUS COME ON LETS BE FRIENDS”
Dawn wiped her eyes, put Turtwig back into the Pokeball, and ran off as fast as she could, Lucas right behind her. Dawn knew what was going to happen; she knew that Lucas would never leave her alone unless one of them died, which led Dawn to have other ideas…
“HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY,” Lucas screamed to Dawn, who was approximately four feet ahead of him as she walked along the trail. “WHERE ARE WE GOING NEW FRIEND”
Dawn sighed. “I’m going to Oreburg to fight the gym leader. I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but I am going to be the best trainer ever.” “COOL ME TOO CAN WE BE TRAINING BUDDIES”
“No thanks. I want as little to do with you as possible.”
They walked along in silence, but Dawn was unable to lose Lucas. Lucas reminded her of this every ten seconds as he kept talking and babbling.
“HEY WHERE ARE WE GOING WHERE ARE WE GOING WHERE ARE WE GOING”
“I told you already, you little ass weed. I’m going to Oreburg to get the Coal Badge.”
“THE KO-AL BADGE?”
“No, the Coal Badge.”
”THE KOH-OL BADGE?”
”No, the Coal Badge.”
”No, you dumbass! COAL badge!”
With this Lucas stopped talking and began focusing on the trials ahead. With his trusty, stiff Bidoof being dragged behind him and a new “friend” at his side, Lucas continued towards Oreburg in his quest to become the ultimate Pokemon master.
Chapter 3: A Night at Sandgem
Dawn had barely traveled for five minutes when she realized the full extent of Lucas’s annoyance. His constant chatter was irritating, but something she could handle; what really drove her mad was the fact that the trip was nearly impossible for Lucas. Every ten feet Lucas would complain about something, be it the rock in his shoe or the stick that had become wedged between his butt cheeks when he sat down on the ground to relieve himself.
Dawn, thinking herself to be incredibly mature, decided it was her duty to watch over Lucas to prevent him from literally killing himself. Dawn had learned survival skills in Jubilife School; the teachers spoke about surviving in the wild with nothing but some pocket change and your trusty Pokemon. Dawn understood the idea of survival; Lucas didn’t.
The trek from Twinleaf Town to Oreburg wasn’t a particularly long one, but by the time Dawn and Lucas had finished their Pokemon battle, it was nearing night time and it was getting dark. The two were only a short distance away from the town, but already Lucas had began to put in all his energy for what Dawn would soon know as the “Night Annoyance”.
“OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK OH MY GOD ITS DARK” Lucas babbled, speaking in such a loud tone that Dawn could feel Lucas’s spit landing on the back of her neck.
“Well, you being an idiot and babbling will really make it lighter out,” Dawn replied sarcastically.
Unfortunately, sarcasm is one of the many things that has no effect on Lucas and his babbling then turned into a completely different direction.
“OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT OH MY GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT…”
By the time Lucas and Dawn reached Sandgem, Lucas had nearly become asphyxiated from his persistent yelling, and Dawn took this opportunity to think rationally and find some place to stay.
“Hey look, a Pokecenter,” Dawn said to Lucas, which mainly meant she was talking to herself because Lucas never paid attention to anything of importance. “We could spend the night in one of the rooms there… they have special places for trainers. Oh, and I can heal my Turtwig there… this will be great!”
Lucas nodded stupidly, obviously having no idea what was going to happen, and they both ran to the Pokecenter.
When Lucas and Dawn walked into the Pokecenter, the nurse at the front smiled and waved. “Hi, are you both trainers?” She asked. “Well, I am,” Dawn said. “But I don’t know about Lucas here,” said Dawn bitterly, pointing to Lucas, who was standing by the door, clutching his rotting Bidoof.
“YES I AM A POKEMON TRAINER I WILL BE THE BEST IN THE WORLD I WILL FIGHT SO HARD YOU WILL CRY SERIOUSLY YOU WILL BE IN TEARS AND YOU WILL NEED HUGS FROM ME AND BIDOOF BUT YOU WON’T GET HUGS BECAUSE YOU’RE JERKS AND I HATE JERKS BUT I LIKE TO EAT TACOS IS THERE A TACO PLACE AROUND HERE BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SATISFY ME HEY MY MOM SAYS THAT SAME THING BUT SHE LOOKS IN THE PHONE BOOK FOR THAT REASON” Lucas cried, in one massive outburst that left Dawn slapping her forehead and the nurse with a shocked look on her face.
“Uh…” the nurse stuttered. “Hey, I see you’ve got a Pokemon there,” she said, trying to steer the conversation away from Lucas. “Why’s it tied to a rope? Come bring it up here, and we’ll heal it and make it good as new!”
“OK” Lucas blurted out as he walked over to the nurse and held out his Bidoof. Lucas plopped the crusty black Pokemon onto the counter, and walked back, still clutching the rope as if it was worth something.
The look on the nurse’s face was one both of shock and disgust. He cheeks swelled up, as if she was to vomit, and she threw her head back for oxygen. “WHAT THE HELL, KID?!” She yelled. “What the hell did you do to this poor Pokemon?!”
“OH HE GOT FOUGHT BY A CHIMCHAR GUESS WHO WON I DID WAIT I WASN’T FIGHTING I HAVE RABIES THOUGH WANNA SEE”
The nurse did not want to see the infected bite wound on Lucas’s arm; she was much more interested in the Bidoof. “He’s still alive!” She exclaimed. “Barely, but he’s still there! Quick, I need to get him to medical help!”
“HE WOKE UP?!” Lucas screamed, completely oblivious to what had happened to his Bidoof a long time ago. “YIPEEEEEEEEEEE” He yelped, throwing his arms into the air and jumping for joy.
Unfortunately for Bidoof and any person with decency and respect for life, Lucas was still holding Bidoof’s rope in his right hand and therefore when he threw his arms in the air, up went the Bidoof as well. The Bidoof soared into the air, smacking into the ceiling and then coming down like a comet. He crashed into the counter with a cracking noise, and any remaining blood in the Pokemon spilled all over the counter and floor. The nurse, with tears in her eyes, picked up the Bidoof, who by now was a bit limp, and appeared to have every bone in its body broken.
“HEY LOOK BIDOOF WOKE UP GOOD MORNING BIDOOF HOW ARE YOU HA HA HA SERIOUSLY HE IS STILL ASLEEP I THINK SO PLEASE DON’T WAKE HIM OK HE HAD A VERY STRESSFUL DAY AND EMBER IS A STRONG MOVE YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS STRONG NAIR MOM SAYS I CAN’T USE NAIR TO SHAVE MY SPECIAL AREAS ANYMORE” Lucas spewed. He pulled the rope and grabbed his Bidoof, but then noticed the blood on his hands and dropped it. “EWW BIDOOF NOT IN THE HOUSE” he said, and he dragged the Bidoof out of the Pokecenter. Dawn, who was mortified, disgusted, and a little bit frightened, followed Lucas.
Dawn and Lucas spent the night sleeping on a park bench by the beach. They were both tired; they would have spent the whole day if it wasn’t for someone poking them.
“Hey kids, wake up.”
A man was poking both of the kids, his long bony fingers poking into their flesh. “Hey kids, it’s morning. Time to get up…”
Dawn was a deep sleeper and therefore did not rise, but Lucas, who was still energetic from the night before, sprung right up and stared at the man with his eyes wide open.
“WHO ARE YOU?” Lucas yelled. Dawn stirred in her sleep.
“Oh, hello little boy. My name is Professor Oak.”
“WHAT DO YOU DO” “You see, I used to be a prominent professor in this world, but that was before I made a false prediction that there were only 150 Pokemon when there were actually about 491. Since then nobody has taken me seriously. I enlisted in the army and fought in Vietnam, but when I got back all I received was hatred and the horrible feeling of being unwanted and ignored by thousands of people. In my depression I headed down a bad road of narcotics and alcohol abuse, until finally I crashed, figuratively speaking, and came to this place. Now I’ve been living on this beach, eating Krabby, Goldeen, and molesting little boys.” “WHAT DOES MOLESTING MEAN” “Why don’t you come here, and I’ll show you?” ”OK!”
Lucas hopped off the bench and grabbed his Bidoof, which was lying under the bench in a puddle of dried blood and internal organs.
“OK MISTER WHAT DO I DO NOW?”
Professor Oak smiled. “You just stand there, little boy, and I’m going to show you something.”
Oak reached down to touch Lucas when Lucas’s small amount of common sense kicked in. He remembered years of walking in on his mother during her special “alone time filming session where Lucas has to stay in his room and cover his ears”, and knew that nothing good would result from this.
“STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY MAN, YOU’RE LIKE MY MOM” Lucas yelled. “BIDOOF, USE EXPLOSION!”
Lucas yanked the rope, moving his Bidoof and swinging it towards Oak. He then proceeded to whip it with an incredible force, hitting Oak in the side of the head. The Bidoof exploded in a storm of fur and charred skin, smacking Oak and knocking him to the ground. Lucas then pulled back the Bidoof, Holding it close. At this point Bidoof’s head was still intact, but parts of its body and legs were gone, and some of its teeth were now lodged in Professor Oak’s skull.
“You little bastard…” Oak grunted, standing up. “I’m going to kill you, then I’m going to rape you, then I’m going to bring you back to life using a Revive, then I’m going to rape you again, then I’m going to kill you again, then I’m going to bring you back to life using a Revive, then I’m going to rape you once more, then I’m going to kill you, then I’m going to bring you back to life using a Revi-“
Oak’s disgusting rant was cut short by a large bang. He collapsed on the ground, blood spewing from a hole in the back of his head. In the distance, a shadowy figure was visible. This figure was holding a large rifle, and was walking slowly towards Lucas. When he got close enough, Lucas could make out who it was: Professor Rowan.
“Oh, crap…” Rowan muttered. “My aim really is messing up since I quit the force. I didn’t hit Lucas at all…” Rowan looked down, ashamed that his ex-Navy Seal sniping ability had hit the pedophiliac professor instead of Lucas.
“HEY PROFESSOR ROWAN HEY PROFESSOR ROWAN HEY PROFESSOR ROWAN HEY HEY HEY HEY LOOK AT ME I’M TALKING AND I WAS ABOUT TO GET MOLESTED I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS STILL BUT MY BIDOOF IS EVOLVING, BIDOOF HAS EVOLVED INTO A BLOODY STUMP” Lucas said, and then he ran up to Rowan and hugged his leg.
“Oh, uh, hi kid. Where are you off to?” Rowan said, all the while shaking his leg, trying to get Lucas off of him.
“OH I AM GOING TO OREBURG TO BECOME A POKEMON MASTER WITH MY NEW FRIEND DAWN THAT IS HER SLEEPING ON THE BENCH NEXT TO THAT URINE COVERED NEWSPAPER AND PAPER BAG FULL OF USED SYRINGES” Lucas said. “SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE PROFESSOR ARE YOU STUDYING POKEMON CAN I HELP”
”No.” Rowan said. “Actually, I am here to work in my lab.” After saying this Rowan bit his tongue and prepared himself for the next inevitable question.
”WAIT I THOUGH YOU SAID IT WAS IN SUNNYSHORE ARE YOU A LIAR MR PRESIDENT”
“Huh? No. You see, my lab… is a mobile lab. With wheels. Yeah. Wheels. Big ones.”
“Well, bye. I have to go back to work, far far away. You’re going to Oreburg, right? It’s up that trail. You need to pass through Jubilife.”
With that, Rowan ran off, disappearing into the distance. Lucas walked over to Dawn, gently nudging her.
“WAKE UP YOU FILTHY PROSTITUTE” he yelled. It was a gentle yell for someone as loud as Lucas.
Dawn bolted off of the bench and grabbed her bag that way lying next to the bench.
“Come on, you annoying asswipe! We’ve wasted enough time here. We need to get our first badge!” Dawn proclaimed. She began running towards the trail to Jubilife and beyond, with Lucas following closely at her heels, mutilated Bidoof being dragged behind them.
Chapter 4: A Metagross Event
Lucas and Dawn arrived in Jubilife City about a day after they left Sunnyshore. They had stuck to the path diligently, except for the few times when Lucas would wander off, chasing a shadow or a plastic bag. Dawn tried to play mature once again; she would scold him for running off, often asking herself why she even bothered.
Most of Lucas’s stupid wanderings were of no consequence; he would simply run off, unintelligently babbling “COME BIDOOF LETS GO POKEMON COME ON FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN DUNNA DUN DUN DUN DUNNA DUN DUN DUN” and then slamming his dismembered Pokemon-on-a-rope at random objects yelling “BIDOOF USE BODY SLAM” until Dawn came and gagged Lucas, dragging him back onto the trail.
Only one of Lucas’s little side trips actually had results. Dawn was walking along the trail, getting closer and closer to Jubilife. She could already see the bright lights of the city streets and see the roads that went throughout the city. She was excited. “Lucas, we’re almost there!” she said. Normally, Dawn would get a response of “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I AM SO EXCITED I CAN’T BREATHE PLEASE GIVE ME MOUTH TO MOUTH”, but no such stupidity was heard.
“Lucas?” Dawn said quizzically. “Lucas?” Her voice was getting louder. “LUCAS? LUCAS? WHERE ARE YOU?” she exclaimed, her voice trembling.
From the distance, Dawn heard “I AM OVER HERE YOU DISEASE RIDDEN HOOKER” and ran to follow the voice. When she arrived, Dawn found herself in a small clearing in the forest. The ground was littered with beer cans, an old can of motor oil, and other assorted pieces of filth. Dawn looked to her left and found Lucas standing there.
“What the hell are you doing here? I told you to follow me, you little ****. Now let’s go.”
“WAIT,” Lucas said. Even though his tone was still loud as always, he was trying to speak a little more hushed. “I FOUND A POKEMON OVER THERE COME ON LETS GET IT IT’S A POKEMON I LIKE POKEMON DO YOU LETS GET IT I WANT IT COME ON PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE”
Dawn raised her eyebrows and grabbed her Turtwig’s Pokeball off of her belt. “A Pokemon?” she said curiously. “Where, which one?” She scanned the grass, looking slowly amongst the leaves, trash, and broken twigs.
“RIGHT THERE YOU DUMB STREETWALKER, BY THE TWIG DUH” ”Not seeing it.” “RIGHT BY THE TWIG DUH DUMB IDIOT HA HA YOU’RE DUMB” ”Still not seeing it…” ”RIGHT THERE?”
Dawn scratched her head and pointed her finger at something in the trash. “You mean that thing?” She said. What Dawn was pointing at was a very small thing, no bigger than two inches. It was a light, silverfish color, and the sun’s light reflected off of the object.
IS A POKEMON I THINK IT IS A METAGROSS” he screamed. Lucas then began to yank the rope tied to his arm, pulling his mutilated Bidoof close.
Dawn slapped her forehead. “Lucas, that’s a not a Metagross.”
“YES IT IS” “No, it’s not. That’s a condom wrapper.” ”NO YOU LIE YOU ARE A BASTARD YOU JUST WANT THAT METAGROSS ALL FOR YOURSELF I SAW IT FIRST BACK OFF GET BACK GET BACK YOU DON’T KNOW ME LIKE THAT” “Goddamnit Lucas, it’s a condom wrapper. Look, it even says Trojan on the side.” ”IT MUST BE A TROJAN METAGROSS, THOSE ARE EXTRA RARE PLEASE GO CATCH IT FOR ME BIDOOF IS TIRED LOOK HE IS STILL SLEEPING WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD OH OK NEVERMIND JUST LAY THERE OK”
Dawn sighed. “Lucas, there is no way in hell I am going to get my Turtwig to fight a condom wrapper.” Dawn crossed her arms, but then Lucas grabbed her legs and yelled at her, as loud as he possibly could, which was pretty damn loud. “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WILL LOVE YOU COME ON BIDOOF IS ASLEEP HEAR HIM SNORE COME ON PLEASE I WILL GIVE YOU LIKE TWO DOLLARS YOU CAN BUY LIKE SOME GUM OR SOMETHING OR A NIGHT WITH MY MOM THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID TO MY OLD DAD SO COME ON I REALLY NEED THAT METAGROSS I DON’T WANT IT TO RUN IT IS COOL AND SHINY AND IT IS FROM FAR AWAY PLEASE”
Dawn cursed, spat on the ground, and then threw her Turtwig’s Pokeball on the ground, releasing the Pokemon. “Turtwig…” Dawn stammered. “Ok, how do I go about fighting a condom wrapper?” She wondered to herself. “Um… Turtwig… use Tackle!” She said, laughing a little to herself at the absurdity of it all.
Turtwig charged at the wrapper, and then when it was close enough, lunged, slamming its body into the wrapper. However, before it could land, the Pokemon’s leg hit the wrapper, making the Turtwig slip and fall onto its side, sliding across the ground and hitting a tree.
“What the hell?” Dawn growled. “Ok, Turtwig. Let’s be serious. Use Razor Leaf!”
Turtwig got back up, a bit bruised from its fall, and fired off a round of sharp leaves at the wrapper. However, the condom wrapper was such a small target that it flew into the air, blending in with the bright sun. Turtwig ran around on the ground, trying to find a way to attack the wrapper as it fluttered down. “Come on Turtwig, what are you doing? Use Bite!” Dawn hollered from the sidelines.
Turtwig jumped up to bite the wrapper as it came down, but instead slipped a little forward, making the wrapper land on its eye, effectively partially blinding it. Turtwig’s attempt at a jumping bite was therefore failed, as the lack of visibility caused it to rocket into another tree, face first. Turtwig collapsed, and all of Dawn’s yelling and cursing could not get the Pokemon to stand back up again.
“Oh my God…” Dawn said, tears swelling in her eyes. “Oh my God… I just lost… to a ****ing sign… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t believe it…” She stammered, as tears fell down her face. Dawn pulled out her Turtwig’s Pokeball and retracted the Pokemon, watching as the condom wrapper slowly fell down to the ground.
Lucas had apparently not noticed the entire fight, instead enthralled by a shiny can that was near his feet. “OH DID YOU WIN THE FIGHT OH YOU DIDN’T I TOLD YOU METAGROSS IS A HARD POKEMON TO FIGHT HE HAS GREAT MOVES LIKE METEOR MASH AND IRON DEFENSE AND METEOR MASH AND METEOR MASH AND AGILITY AND METEOR MASH AND HAMMER ARM AND METEOR MASH, HE HAS LOTS OF SKILLS LET ME FIGHT HIM I THINK BIDOOF IS READY” He blurted in one breath, and then Lucas began to swing the rope above him and fight the enemy condom wrapper.
“OK BIDOOF USE BODY SLAM LETS NAIL THIS MOFO” Lucas yelled. He hurled the Bidoof at the wrapper, making Bidoof land with a thud and slamming onto of the enemy. Lucas then quickly jerked the rope back up and grabbed Bidoof back with him. The wrapper, now wrinkled, was stuck to Bidoof’s fur, glued on there by some dried pus coming out of the Pokemon.
“HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY DAWN GUESS WHAT I GOT IT I CAUGHT THE METAGROSS THIS IS SO COOL I WILL NICKNAME HIM GROSS BECAUSE HE IS KIND OF GROSS BUT THAT IS ALSO HIS NAME SO IT IS LIKE A DUAL MEANING YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I AM LIKE A VISIONARY” Lucas yelled triumphantly, prying the condom wrapper off Bidoof’s body and waving it in the air.
“Whatever…” Dawn said, downcast. “Let’s just go. Jubilife is right there.”
Dawn and Lucas walked down the road, Dawn dragging her feet and Lucas skipping, glad to have caught a new “Pokemon”. They soon arrived in Jubilife. Immediately after arriving Lucas had a seizure, frothing and rolling on the floor as a result of seeing multiple things to do and bright flashing lights. Dawn, hopping he was dead, covered his body with newspapers, but after seeing Lucas get up a short while after, grabbed his hand and walked through the city.
“Ok, Lucas, listen up,” Dawn said. “We’re just passing through here. It’s starting to get dark now, so I’m going to go check out which way it is to Oreburg while you wait here.”
Lucas groaned. “AWWW WHY CAN’T I GO PLEASE I WANNA GO SEE THE GTS I WANT TO TRADE IT WILL BE FUN COME ON LET ME TRADE DON’T BE MEAN AND HIT ME LIKE MOMMY USED TO DO BEFORE SOCIAL SERVICES CAME COME ON JUST LET ME GO TO GTS I WANT TO SEE THETRADES” He pleaded.
“Fine,” Dawn said. “Go check out the GTS. Just come meet me on the road in about ten minutes.” Lucas nodded, and they both walked off in different ways. Dawn walked down the road herself, hands in her pockets and her head looking down. She was still slightly upset about losing to the condom wrapper.
“Hey, kid,” a man said to Dawn. There were three men standing on the side of road, eyeing Dawn. Dawn walked faster.
“Hey, kid. Not so fast.” The men jumped out, surrounding Dawn. They were all wearing matching gray uniforms. “I’m Saturn,” one man said. “I’m Jupiter,” another man said. “I’m Frank,” the third man said. “He’s new,” Saturn whispered.
“Anyway…we are Team Galactic! I see you are a Pokemon trainer. Surrender your Pokemon to us, or prepare to feel our wrath!” Jupiter exclaimed, putting his hands on his hips.
“So… what are you going to do?” Dawn said slowly. “Make me laugh to death at your fruity costumes?” Saturn, Jupiter, and Frank huddled up. After a moment, they surrounded Dawn again.
“We’re going to… um… grab you!” Saturn and Jupiter said. “And then we will stab you and dump your body in the river!” yelled Frank, excited. Jupiter and Saturn shook their heads. “Oh, we don’t do that?” Jupiter and Saturn shook their heads again. “Not even a little stabbing? Maybe just a slash?” Jupiter and Saturn shook their heads a third time. “Oh. Well… we’re going to grab you!” Jupiter and Saturn smiled, and nodded slowly.
The three Team Galactic members then surrounded Dawn and grabbed her arms. “Help! Rape! Rape! Rape!” Dawn yelled. “There’s no use in yelling,” Saturn said calmly. “The Jubilife Police are all busy chasing guys in clown suits to get free watches. They’ll never help you.” Dawn continued screaming, however, both out of fear and annoyance.
From a distance, Dawn heard Lucas’s voice. She could hear his irritating “HEY” from miles away, but now she knew that he was coming closer. Lucas was running; he arrived and saw Dawn being grabbed by three strange men, but being the ignorant little brat that he was, did not notice anything wrong.
“HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY DAWN LOOK WHAT I GOT I GOT IT ON THE GTS IT’S SO COOL LOOK IT’S A POKEMON I GOT AND I TRADED MY METAGROSS FOR IT ISN’T IT COOL” Lucas said, with a smile that took up his whole face.
Lucas threw down a Pokeball that was on his belt, releasing a new Pokemon that he had got off of the GTS. The Pokemon that emerged was gigantic, with a sleek blue body and a tan chest. It had jet engine shaped things on its head, and it roared a dangerous cry as it came closer.
“Holy crap…” Dawn said. “That’s a Garchomp… who the hell trades a Garchomp for an old condom wrapper? Ok, anyway, Lucas, can you get this Garchomp to scare away these guys. They’re starting to hurt my arms a little.”
Lucas nodded. “OK CHOMPY TIME TO FIGHT OK ATTACK THESE GUYS USE YOUR MIND USE CRUNCH ON THEM OK THANKS BYE”
Garchomp roared again and bent down to the Team Galactic members. He then proceeded to bite the arm off of Saturn with his powerful incisors.
“Ouch!” Saturn exclaimed, with a look of twisted pain on his face. “Seriously man, what the hell is your problem? I mean, we were just grabbing her. I’m not that kind of guy, you know. This… this is just not cool. Not cool, man. You’re a sick kid. Sick. People like you disgust me. And now I’ve got no arm, so I’m going to lose my job, and then how am I going to pay child support? I’m not, that’s how. My girlfriend’s going to leave, me, too, man. You think this is funny? She hates one-armed guys. Her last boyfriend was a slot machine. I’m not a slot machine, but that’s going to be my new job. So thanks a lot, pal. Thanks for ruining my life.” Saturn tied up his shirt around the bloody stump on his arm, and then motioned for Jupiter and Frank to follow him. They then walked off into the distance.
Dawn smiled. “Thanks for saving me, Lucas… but I still think you’re a moron. Let’s go. Oreburg is right down the road.”
The two then went down the road, content with their new addition of Garchomp, and the defeat of Team Galactic.
The Adventures of Lucas - The Unofficial Story
Chapter 4: Room For Four
As they were walking, Lucas saw a sign.
“OOOH LOOK A SIGN LOOKIE RIGHT THERE DO YOU SEE TELL ME YOU SEE IT WOW THAT’S THE BEST SIGN I EVER SAW.”
Dawn, frustrated already after being woken up by his annoying voice, could barely contain her anger. “No duh, you idiot. All it says is that this is route 202. That’s soooo amazing.” Sadly, Dawn had not yet learned her lesson about sarcasm with Lucas…
“I TOLD YA DIDN’T I TELL YA IT WAS GREAT AWESOME LOVE IT REMINDS ME OF SOME OF THEM POLES THAT MOM HAS AT HOME FOR HER FRIENDS OH OH OH I’M GONNA READ IT.” Lucas stepped closer to the sign.
Slightly baffled by what Lucas had said, Dawn quickly regained her composure, only to lose it yet again shortly. “What are you doing to that pole!?!” She had caught Lucas in the act of rubbing his lower extremities against the sign.
“OW THAT HURTS OW OW OW WHY DID MOM SMILE SO MUCH WHEN SHE DID THIS OH I FORGOT TO READ IT IT SAYS ROW-UT-EE 202 OH AND IT HAS SOMETHING ELSE UNDER IT IT SAYS “GET LAID EASY. ANY WAY YOU WANT. BRING LOTS OF CASH TO THE HOUSE NEAREST THE LAKE IN TWINLEAF. ASK FOR “SEXY MOM.”
Sensing that Lucas might actually ask a question about this, Dawn seized Lucas’s hand, “Come on. Let’s go.” Lucas went along but he still had a question…
“DAWN WHAT’S LAID CAN I GET LAID DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET ME LAID SHOW ME I WANNA GET LAID LAID LAID LAID…” Lucas continued on for another five minutes while Dawn ignored them.
They traveled together for a bit longer after that but the going was tough. Lucas couldn’t help himself trying to run up every high ledge they saw and after he grew tired of that he ran circles around Dawn pointing out every new thing he saw.
“HEY LOOK A TREE AND ANOTHER TREE AND ANOTHER TREE OOH A BIRD IN A TREE AND THERE’S A TREE ON THE GROUND AND THERE’S A ROCK AND THERE’S ANOTHER ROCK OH LOOKIE THERE ANOTHER ROCK…”
After nearly tripping over Lucas’s Bidoof’s rope for the 50th time, Dawn noticed that two strangers had stepped onto their path. One was a youngster with shorts and another was a schoolgirl. They shouted at Lucas and Dawn in unison, “Let’s have a double battle.”
Dawn, scared of what “new” attacks bidoof might have learned tried to reason with them. “Please, our Pokemon are weak. Let’s not battle right now, ok?” The youngster looked displeased, “NO! You can’t back out of a trainer battle. Fear the wrath of my shorts!”
And with that the battle began. The schoolgirl and youngster both threw out bidoofs. Dawn let out a sigh and chose her Turtwig. Meanwhile, Lucas stood there watching.
“WOW BLOODY STUMP LOOK THEY WERE JUST LIKE YOU WE’RE GONNA BEAT THEM CUZ WE’RE THE BEST AND THEY HAVEN’T EVOLVED LIKE YOU GO BLOODY STUMP!” And with that, he swung Bidoof over his head to land with a sickening splat. “USE RAPID SPIN BLOODY STUMP!!” Dawn fearing what would happen this time withdrew her Turtwig to run behind a nearby tree to watch the proceedings.
Lucas gripped Bidoof’s rope tightly and began to swing it around and around and around faster and faster…until he lost control and sent Bidoof flying into both of the other Bidoofs and their trainers, leaving a bloody mark where it had hit each one of them. Both of the Bidoofs fainted.
The schoolgirl horrified by the fact that she was now wearing Bidoof blood on the side of her face, took her Bidoof in her arms, screamed, and ran away leaving her small pink purse on the road in her haste.
The youngster, however, was a tad bit braver. “I see that your power is far greater than the power of shorts.”
“YAY WE WON YAY I USED THE POWER OF SHORTS TOO SEE.” Lucas then dropped his pants to reveal his Bidoof boxers. “THEY ARE FILLED WITH BLOODY STUMP POWER YOU OUGHT TO SEE DAWN’S SHE’S LIKE ME EXCEPT SHE’S PIKA-POWERED BUT HER SHORTS ARE SO SHORT THAT I HAD TO PULL THEM DOWN SO I COULD SEE THEM BETTER I’M GOING TO BE A POKEMON MASTER SO YOU WILL ALL LOVE ME THEN HATE ME AND LOVE ME AND MY BLOODY STUMP SHORTS HEY CAN I SEE YOUR’S?” The youngster immediately ran off after leaving a bit of money.
Dawn, who had not heard most of the conversation, knew that it was safe to come out when the youngster ran away. “Come on, it’s getting dark. Let’s head into town.” And with that (along with Lucas’s shouts of “I WON I WON I WON DID YOU SEE I WON I WON YAY”) they reached the end of the route and began to head into Jubilife City.