User:Egalitarian Aspie/UnNews:Charlie Sheen discovers new element

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25 March 2011

Sheenium

Uncomedic acid, a radioactive compound of Sheenium.

Hollywood, California- Today, maniacal actor Charlie Sheen has made a discovery that some have said as "revolutionizing, beating, mugging, and sexually assaulting modern science."

The night before, Charlie Sheen went on a violent rampage of insanity. After learning that Two and a Half Men was finally cancelled while in his bathroom, the actor became furious. He allegedly knocked some hydrogen peroxide, a blood sample, and a convienently-placed Uranium compound into the latrine due to his violent demeanor of hitting things while angry. The resulting reaction can be represented as this:

M2.5 + H2O2 + U2 --> Cs2 + O3

The remains were then recovered, sent to labs in Japan, and then sent back to American labs because of a bigger problem. From that standpoint, the mixture was examined. Then, the conclusion was released that a new element, Sheenium, had been created. Charlie had this to say about it:

Cquote1 'Wow', I thought. If my own food shit can create something that pisses on science's face and shits in God's mouth, then what do those *expletive* producers think they were doing firing me? Maybe my shit on their face will make a new element. How about 'Faggium-who-should-die-ium'? Cquote2

Sheenium has been described as a slightly tan, highly reactive, flammable, and corrosive element that can detonate at any given time. Only Charlie Sheen himself can hold the element without it starting a stupid cooking show and beating its wife. Because of this, all forms of Sheenium have been restricted to Sheen's property.

However, Sheenium wasn't restricted by law three hours before. As soon as they discovered it, scientists used Sheenium in making aspirin, roofing tile, drinking water, and black tar heroin. Reports have come in that over 67 people now have over-inflated egos, a crack addiction, and a violated contract from CBS. However, an antidote is now in production.

Disputes have arisen in the scientific community about Sheenium's abbreviation being the same as Caesium's (Cs), as well as if the element even exists, but the public replied "nobody cares".

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