User:Edwan345/Longlevens

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edit History

longlevens, like the rest of Gloucester, is a pikey palace. It was called longlevens because the founder- Kurt Cobain had a really big penis, or leven as he preferred to call it. This was what ultimately killed him as it strangled him while he was asleep. But the residents of longlevens refused to believe this and blamed it on Cobain's girlfriend- who was later killed from an overdose of wd40 anyway.After kurts death the community went down hill, tribes formed. the strongest were the chavs closely followed by the emos and then Gordon brown- who for some reason still cared about getting people to vote for him. by 1992 Kurt's death was forgotten and a lot of people mistakenly believed a cart had founded longlevens- and easy mistake to make. The community was fine until the government decided it needed "renovating". This was primely because there was more knife crime in and around longlevens than there was in the whole of America.

Now the 4houses that still exist are a thriving drug dealing spot and the tesco nearby means the dealers can easily sell off their crack and then buy their groceries.

edit Things to do

Unless you have an unhealthy appetite for syringes or tramps, you wont find much appeals to you in longlevens. Although you may have to play hide and seek- the locals aren't very friendly and will abuse you on sight. The abuse will vary but has been known to range from bad language all the way to crushing heads in car doors.

edit Famous Figures

  • Kurt Cobain - founder and excellent songwriter for the village with a famous penis.
  • Gordon Brown - Man who is thought to be a half man half scrotum hybrid- and also prime minister of england.
  • Wayne Rooney - chav who grew up in longlevens and even more surprisingly, made something of his life

edit Population Distribution

there are 52500 residents estimated to reside inside the walls of longlevens. Here are some statistics:

  • 42 are estimated to legally own a house
  • for every one person there are 10 grams of cocaine
  • Santa only delivers to 30000 of the residents as even he eventually succumbs to knife wounds.
  • 40000 of the residents are pikeys, and as a result do not show up on the census each year
  • 50000 of the residents are of the belief that tupac shakur is god

edit Housing

  • 4 houses
  • 47500 Tents, 20000 caravans
  • 1 tesco
  • 250000 cardboard boxes

edit Crime

Crime is everywhere in longlevens. It is matched only by there arch nemesis suburb shortlevens. The most common crime is drug dealing, which is the norm. policeman have adopted the "if you cant beat em join em idea" which means any drugs which are confiscated are quickly either sold back into the market or snorted. Murder is so common that the 15 year olds that get pregnant name their children things like slasher, macer and shanker.

edit Education

There is a school in longlevens. Although exactly what students leave with academically leaves a lot to be desired. however one student once reportedly left the school with a member of staffs i pod. Which is by definition the most valuable item in longlevens. The school does have a good sporting record though- tennis rackets are good for more than just hitting tennis balls. Any school that attempts to play Thomas richs at any sport will have their face legs and probably arms broken.

edit Note

The locals do not take kindly to strangers passing through, or for that matter, their friends and relatives. they basically hate everyone. Should you dare enter you must take a torch as the residents are weak against bright lights. This is due to the fact that many have never seen anything other than darkness before. The ghost of Kurt Cobain is also often seen playing "smells like teen spirit". this is nothing to be afraid of as Kurt is happy just so long as you sing along in the chorus.

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