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“Why the hell are you even quoting me here?!! I've had quite enough of you putting me on this page without my permission. The least you could do is pay royalties, but nooooo, you had to go and rip me out of context!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Diatribes

A diatribe is a speaking vendetta launched by a total loser who has nothing better to do with his time than just bitch about everything to no end, as if his speaking points were what defined his entire existence. Seriously, guys like that piss me off, okay? What's worst about them is how they incessantly whine about the smallest detail of whatever tiny, indistinguishable flaw they can find.

What really grinds my gears

What really grinds my gears is the fact that these pointless wastes of RAM, ink, and pulp even make it outside of the tiny minds in which they are conceived. I mean, who the hell cares besides you weanies? What makes you think I want to hear it in the first place? I honestly couldn't tell if anything is different, okay?!! Just shut up about it, and I won't keep egging your house. Also, while we're on the topic, I don't see how anyone could be so obsessed with a particular group of people for which they harbor so much hatred. I swear, the last thing I want is to be compared to that nutcase Ann Coulter who can't shut up for just one second about Bush's unreal infallibility. Hello, Ann! Get a life! Why do you even bother writing anymore? Anyone with a brain stem can tell that you are just a skinny blonde Nazi with nothing better to do than repetitively bash everything that seems even remotely liberal. America's had it with you, and so have I! You are wrong about everything, and yet you wonder why you're so unpopular.

Why diatribes are bad for society

The moment that one of those losers goes of bashing to his heart's content over the most mundane things imaginable, everything falls apart. If you've got someone out there with no purpose lighting the flames that will escalate into a civil war, you can bet that some wannabe who still lives in his mom's basement who can't do anything with himself will immediately begin fanning those flames and dropping the embers in every blog space that they can find, which is filled with people doing equally pointless things. Before you know it, fights ignite in bars, not over looking at someone the wrong way, but about the finer points of diplomacy. Oh, and that reminds me, how the hell am I supposed to know that I'm looking at you the wrong way? How do I even know what the wrong way is? Are you really so bored that you have to call me out on a casual glance in which I moved my eyes too quickly? Don't you dare go saying that I don't know how to talk to people, because you don't!! If you want to talk to someone without looking so bad, why not stop picking fights with everyone?

How to stop this madness

There's only one way to end this cycle of total whining crybabies always getting what they want. We must hunt them down and root them out. They've been infecting our homes, destroying the idea of family, and killing common decency. They can't act like they own everything. I hate, hate, just HATE these people who won't ever shut up about how much they hate everything. Their type just absolutely makes me puke. I could go on for hours and hours about everything I hate about them, but those lazy morons at Dell couldn't be bothered with giving me a decent battery capacity. Why do you have a monopoly if all you make is junk? Why, you oughta be dragged through the streets, tied to a chain link fence and publicly flogged! Even better, I'll flame you more! There is nothing you can do to stop me. In fact, I dare you to try! You're a bunch of cowarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Note from Dell: this is where the Uncyclopedian was shot.

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