User:DragonLizardJareth/FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about DragonLizardJareth/FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives.


Also known as America's Top Ten Most Wanted it is a list generated by the United States of the most dangerous or most hated criminals on the Planet.

edit The Group behind the List

Original known as the Federal Bureau of Inhalation (Or FBI). The FBI was created by Abraham Lincoln to hunt down southern Traitors but was later used by Andrew Johnson to spread white supremacy. The Group was soon after disbanded. The Group saw new life when it was reformed under J. Edger Hoover and renamed The Federal Bureau of Investigation. Sometimes referred to, especially in more rural areas of the American South, as the The Federal Bureau of Idiots. Not to be confused with Arkansas-formed Familial Biblical Inbreeders.

edit Creation

The List was first introduced by Hoover as a way to help his men recognize the more dangerous criminals. Officers, agents and law men were suggested to avoid these men. However members of the FBI created a sport where whoever caught one of these criminals would receive a large payment from other agents. Soon criminals who were put on the list would be found in under 24 hours. Hoover chose to start issuing rewards for such criminals. This action gave Agents even more incentive and the list was kept in operation.

Over 4000 people have been on the list, however in 2001 few stayed on the list for more then a few hours because the American television audience watching America's Most Wanted would spot them and think the reward was Dead or alive. The show was soon canceled and the list continued under normal use.

edit Fate

In 2007 News Journalist Steven Colbert asked President George W. Bush the fate of list members who were captured. The President at first stated that most list members are killed upon capture, but after 2001 feeling they need to perform more torture and learn to take prisoners the United States Senate voted to send List Members to an undisclosed location to be imprisoned pending on the savagery of their crime. Mr. Colbert was unable to learn of the location as President Bush was taken away by Barack Obama's administration shortly after he entered office

In January of 2010 current President Barack Obama revealed the location to be a secret Prison Complex located right underneath the Guantanamo Bay‎ resort in Cuba.

edit Current List

Photo Name Date Sequence Number
Binbush Osama Bin Laden Septmber 11, 2001 #911
Osama bin Laden is wanted "in connection with the September 11 Attacks and a bunch of other stuff that is totally legit but we don't have time to list here" by orders of George W. Bush and continued by President Obama. A reward for his capture is currently placed at $600 Million for his capture dead. Anyone who captures him alive will also be executed.
Ronaldnazi Ronald McDonald June 28, 2009 #666
Ronald McDonald is wanted by the government of China and the United States due to his involvement in the Earthquake attacks on China in 2008. He is also wanted for questioning about the spread of two major diseases involving the 2009 H1N1 epidemic caused by switching his beef burgers with pork burgers and the worldwide epidemic of the disease commonly referred to as "redheadedness". April 26 UPDATE: new evidance points to McDonald being a member of the Nazi Party and having committed War Crimes. His New Reward Stands at $250 Million.
Villianc Mordillo December 8, 2007 #999
The Uncyclopedian known as Mordillo is wanted for crimes against the wiki. Including unleashing his crude humor on an unsuspecting populous, deleting pages created by true Uncyclopedians, raping Virgin School Girls, aiding known felon Tom Cruise, attempts at internet piracy, being a general douchebag Bastard Prick, and for saying President Obama sucks Ass. Upon capture he is To be mashed into a pulp, have his eyes gouged out, And his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, And his body burned away. And his limbs all hacked and mangled. His head smashed in, And his heart cut out, And his liver removed, And his bowls unplugged, And his nostrils raped, And his bottom burnt off, And his pen-- well... you know. This Reward stats at $200 Million.
Elmo pissed Elmo November 18, 1985 #123
Elmo (the one in red) is wanted by the United States government for corrupting America's youth by having them watch TV and bug their parents to buy them load toys instead of being chore slaves like they should be. Reward stands at $170 Million.
Keanu-reeves Keanu Reeves March 15, 2010 #9344
Actor Keanu Reeves is wanted for his part in the death of fellow actor Jeff Bridges who was killed with an Oscar award. Also wanted for questioning and possible role in the deaths of 32 other actors and actresses at the Academy Awards. Also wanted for questioning about the Murder of all 17 members of the The Council of Academy Awards and his apparent Immortality. Reward stands at $140 Million.
Depp-johnny-pirates Jack Sparrow 1700's #700
Captain Jack Sparrow is wanted by the United States Government for seducing millions of fan girls and starring in three very VERY bad movies. He is also wanted by England for impersonating a officer of the Royal Navy and a clergyman of the Church of England. Reward currently stands at $100 Million.
Mainboba2 Boba Fett Augest 31, 2009 #1138
Former Hip Hop rapper Robert 'Bubba' Fett otherwise known as Boba Fett is wanted mainly for connections to the death of several Marvel Super Heroes, a group of Ewoks, and is wanted for questioning in the Murder of fellow artist Michael Jackson. Recently released book Freaknik: I didn't do it! stating he is somewhere in Cambodia. Reward currently stands at $90 Million.
Gordonfreeman Gordon Freeman February 19, 2010 #776
Doctor Gordon Freeman is wanted for the death of 300 employees of the Black Mesa Research Facility, and is also wanted for 10 years of countless murders across the mid-western United States. Gordon is suffering from a mental breakdown believing most humans are 'Alien Invaders". He is also wanted for questioning in the attack on John "Master Chief" Spartan. Reward currently stands at $50 Million.
Cthulhu Cthulhu April 5, 2010 #975
The Entity named Cthulhu is wanted by the governments of the World for his part in the End times and rising an army of aquatic creatures who wish to take over the World and Kill thousands. Reward currently stands at $25 Million.
Jack Bauer Red Sky Jack Bauer April 5, 2010 #024
Ex-Agent Jack Bauer is wanted by the citizens of the united states for prematurely canceling the series 24. Also wanted for committing illegal acts of torture in Los Angeles. Later committed acts of Terrorism in Washington D.C. and was last seen in New York City. Reward stands at $5 Million.

edit Previous List Members

Photo Name Date Added Date Removed Current Holding Place Sequence Number
21965 w Tom Cruise June 2, 2007 October 6, 2009 Toronto, Canada #487
Tom Cruise was wanted for kidnapping Katie Holmes, cloning a George Bush baby and spreading sinister Scientology as well as a long list of horrible films from 2002 to 2007. He was finally captured in October 2009 trying to cross into Canada. Upon Capture he continued to repeat the words "Katie's dead, Katie's dead!". It unknown what he meant by this as his kidnapped wife "Katie Holmes" is confirmed alive and resting at the Cruise Mansion in Hollywood. She has however developed a disliking for anyone who eats peas and constantly gives out a strange scream whenever someone shows emotion. Despite his recent escaped from Guantanamo Bay along with fellow Prisoners Harold and Kumar he has not been returned to the list. His highest reward stood at $15 Million.
Mcg Mcg May 22, 2009 January 20, 2009 Unknown #115
McG was wanted for crimes against film, bagel theft and giving false details in regards of a name. He was placed on the FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list by previous acting president George Bush who was outraged by Mcg's use of his favourite films such as War of the Worlds and Transformers. McG is currently removed from the list as Barack Obama feels Tim Burton poses a greater threat to film. Mcg's current location is unknown. His highest reward stood at $25 Million.
Rocky 9 Rocky December 20, 2006 February 19, 2010 St. Jews Hospital in Vermont (On life Support) #525
Ralph "Rocky" Balboa was wanted for making ANOTHER pointless movie and waisting more Movie-goer's time. Removed from list after suffering a near fatal heart attack. Currently on Life Support. His highest reward stood at $10 Million.
Batman in his prime Adam West December 8, 2007 July 7, 2010 Gotham City Jail #489
Adam West is Wanted for impersonating Batman, running naked through the streets of Gotham City, Quahog, and South Park, AND a report of attacking Captain Picard for stealing his spotlight on Fox primetime. Removed from the list after his capture. Was captured by Batman while he was attempting to sneak into Comic Con and currently resigns in the Gotham City Jail. His highest reward stood at $30 Million.
Plankton Plankton October 6, 2009 March 15, 2010 Still at large #.0001
Plankton is wanted for trying to bring down 7 major fast food chains including Burger King, Wendy's, KFC, and others. He is also wanted for spreading illness among millions of civilians via infected food and fake flu shots. Reward stands at $5 Million. Removed from the main list due to the new appointment of Actor Keanu Reeves. His highest reward stood at $3 Million.
Sacred Heart Jesus Date unknown April 5, 2010 believed Dead #000
Jesus was wanted for allowing this pathetic planet to live for so long, and leaving us just as the Ultimate Evil reared it's ugly head. A Reward was never posted. Removed from the list due to new evidence Proving he is deceased but has recently re-arisen as Zombie Jesus. There was never a reward for his capture.
Sarah Slaylin Sarah Palin Nov. 24, 2008 April 5, 2010 At Large #001
Sarah 'Bitch Go back to the kitchen where you belong' Palin. This woman escaped from her kitchen in Alaska and made her way down to the rest of the U.S. where she tried to take over the country and become the first ever bitchwhore to rule the U.S. She lost the elections and is currently at large but removed from the list early on. There was no reward for her capture.
Timburton Tim Burton December 21, 2007 April 05, 2009 Still At Large #958
Tim Burton was wanted by the United States for allowing Warner Brothers to destroy the original Batman film series, and for working with Jack Sparrow in almost every movie he has done. Removed from the list after the edition of Cthulhu. His highest reward stood at $35 Million.
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