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Raptose Intolerence Rewrite(?)
“That stuff gives me indigestion”
“Get thee behind me, Slim Shady!”
“You can spin that turntable all you want, 'Snoop', but this is a no spin zone, and we here at the Factor aren't buying it.”
Raptose Intolerence is a rare medical condition affecting mainly white boys who cannot listen to rap music.
Cause of Raptose Intolerence
After much careful study of rap music and protien crunching by Uncyclopedians, scientists were able to learn what causes this condition. Unfortunately this problem is quantum in nature and is therefore uncurable.
When rap music is synthesized, numerous elementary particles known at "Raptoseons" - or "Raptose" for short - are formed. These particles are then propelled at enormous speeds through speakers - known as "woofers" - at the audience.
The woofers cause the Raptose particles to resonate at 1 lot (1.125E25) vibrations per second.
So far, so good. In normal humans, the body produces an enzyme known as "Raptase" which vibrates at such a frequency as to disrupt the Raptose resonance, which allows the body to process the rap music as ordinary music.
Unfortunately, those poor souls who are Raptose Intolerant do not produce enough (or in some cases, any) Raptase to properly process rap music, thus denying enjoyment.
Symptoms of Raptose Intolerence
Upon being exposed to rap music, normal humans will display evidence of enjoyment, usually by extending/retracting the head whilst emitting "Ungh!" noises.
With those who are Raptose Intolerant, however, the raptose particles set up a dangerous resonance within the human body, leading to:
- Uncontrollable farting
- Dangerous indigestion
- Violent diarrhea
- Spontaneous Combustion
What to do upon observing an intolerant person
Run. Just run. If you look back, your bowels will likely implode. You don't want this to happen.
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Great Confusion of Rome
The Great Confusion of Rome was quite possibly the most confusing battle in the entire history of warfare. It began on June 14th 1944 and parts of it still continue to this very day.
Rome was of strategic importance in WW2 and WWII as it was believed whoever controlled Rome was in control of the entirety of space and time. This was, however, a lie made up by some drunken Italian Army officers as a joke to fool their Nazi counterparts. The story slowly spread and soon the entire General Staff of roughly 6 large armies was fooled.
The Battle Begins
Determined to seize all of space and time American paratroopers of the Three and A Half airborne inexplicably arrived at the coast in dinghies and started advancing toward Rome. At this point the local commander of German forces declared that "my Spider sense is tingling" and ordered an immediate advance on Rome.
The first skirmish came as a lost German Panzer division accidentally met a British convoy 130 miles east of Rome. The British commander politely enquired where they were going and, upon finding out, telephoned his superior officer to discover that not only they were fighting Nazi Germany, but also that every British Soldier south of Birmingham and north of Rio de Janeiro had been ordered to march on Rome.
At this point the Italian Army realised that their country was under attack. This swung into action their only defence plan, which at the time was to retreat every single soldier to the capital - which coincidently happened to be - Rome.
On hearing the news that Italian troops had been deployed, Freemason forces swung into action due an ancient rule that required them to be involved in any event over a certain size. Free-masons therefore advanced on Rome in the hundreds.
The Battle Really Begins
The blissfully unaware inhabitants of Rome awoke in the morning to quickly discover that their city was under attack by 5 large armies. There was also a rumour that Soviet forces were also poised to strike. However this attack was thwarted by a Yugoslavian baggage handlers strike.
A panic-stricken Pope ordered the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad into action to defend the completely doomed city. Their first action was to successfully defend the world's largest delicatessen, against a combined Italian and Freemason assault using their distinctive fixture of hip-hop and aggressive dance music with great effect against the quite bland sound-track of the Italian army.
Just for the heck of it Tanzania declared war on each individual inhabitant of Rome, as they were sick of no one knowing where their country was (or is).
Confusion Sets In
Confused yet? Well by the afternoon of June 15th American paratroopers had been out-flanked to the north and east by Tanazanian troops who in turn were ambushed by Freemasons who mistook them for British forces which had successfully repulsed a German attack on the west of the city but had failed to prevent the Coliseum from falling under Nazi control. These advances were made quickly irrelevant by the stunning move of the Italian army of stealing 50,000 American Army uniforms and invading the city as Italian-Americans. They quickly evicted Tanzanian forces from the Vatican but were then themselves defeated by a devastating barrage of hip-hop and free-style rap from the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad who managed to prevent the British army from encircling the city with the help of Germans.
With the battle growing ever more complex the weary inhabitants of Rome voted on a resolution to transfer the battle to an uninhabited Mediterranean Island where it continues to this day. Latest news from the front indicates that a battalion of aging Italian-Americans have managed to seize the island's only hill from an alliance of Italian and American troops. The battle would have been over long ago if it were not for the stubbornness of the various countries involved in continually reinforcing their respective armies.
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UnNews: Bush Classifies Dictionary
"As some of you know, the dictionary is a very sensitive work. If the information contained within it were to fall into the wrong hands, we could have another attack on the scale of 10,000 casualties. Why is this book so dangerous? I'll tell you. Y'see, I was looking through it yesterday, writing a paper, and I noticed the word 'strategy' just sitting there in the open. And so I got suspicious. I checked on a couple of our 'code' 'words', and sure enough, they were there too. So I sent it down to Gen. Hayden, and he confirmed that every single word of our classified plans were in there. So you see why we just gots to classify this one."
To date, the Bush Administration has classified all U.S. Atlases (locations of secret military bases), telephone books (contain the names and addresses of undercover CIA agents), several love letters from Laura (private), all memoirs of former presidents, the White House menu, and your cat.
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