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Sand Nippers are a species of monkey inhabiting the far reaches of human civilization known for their unnatural and sometimes terrifying prowess in destruction and driving large yellow rhinoceros-like creatures known as Taxi's, usually into entire groups of children.
Origin of the Sand NippersSand nippers migrated into the region known today as Ragheadia, most likely evolved from some lower primate. Here, they had to contend against various desert enemies, such as the Dune Worm, pictured below. Because of this, the sand nippers had to evolve sophisticated defense mechanisms, such as rock chucking, bomb setting, missile firing, schoolbus bombing, camel riding, rock chucking, and that weird tongue-screech thingy they do right before they kill an enemy. Of course, now they're too stupid to realize that not everyone is a Dune Worm, so they continue using these techniques to kill helpless people, even each other. Stupid sand nippers.
Behavior Characteristics of the Sand Nippers
The sand nippers usually live in remote villages, where they eke out a living by ransacking rival tribes and looting their women and enslaving their stores of food, or something like that. Occasionally, they will also hijack planes, driving them into major iconic monuments, either for kicks or for sustinence, as sand nippers feed off global hatred--yes, just like leeches.
Sand nippers, just like their name says, enjoy digging around and nipping in the vast sand deserts of their homeland in the hopes of salvaging random mechanical parts--yes just like the Al Bhed, except that, rather than recovering parts for educational and historical purposes, sand nippers use these strange dæmonic devices to build weapons of mass destruction. Take this testimonial from a reliable witness:
|Them sand nippers was everywhere; I saw one of 'em make this here bomb out of some shoelace, a paper clip, and some of dis here Lysterine!|
However, in recent years some gay left-wing activists in New York still insist that sand nippers are mostly peaceful creatures, and that the troublemakers are merely an extremist minority. Yeah right! Do you really want some dirty sand nippers stinking up your neighborhood? Didn't think so.
It is also widely accepted that all sand nippers possess great camel-riding skills and will use it to kill you. In fact, sand nippers will use any of their skills to kill you, you and your family. If a sand nipper learns to drive a car, it is only to kill you, you and your family. If a sand nipper learns some gay foreign language, it is only to aid it in the quest of killing you--you and your family.
Things sand nippers will do to have me killed
Anything. Sand nippers will do anything to have you killed, you and your family. And everyone you care about. And just people they don't like. Which is everyone. Including you, you and your family.
How can I protect myself against sand nippers?
There's precious little you can do to protect yourself against sand nippers, it's mostly your stupid government's responsibility, but they're too gay and PC to do anything about it other than sending people over to Ragheadia to kick the living shit out of them sand nippers (even worse with PETA breathing down their necks). Which would be sweet, if not for the sand nippers' craftiness; for they possess the supernatural ability to slip in the shadows, which they then use to creep up behind small childrens and slit their throats. You can't trust sand nippers.
Still, there are some quick and easy steps you can take to protect you and your family (remember, the ones sand nippers wanna kill?) against these horrible creatures. For one, you can place cloves of garlic around your porch to deter them during sand nipper season (mostly around mid-September), as well as wearing a wreath of garlic around your head when ever you step outside, as sand nippers can strike at anytime. That's what smart people do.
Also, always carry a copy of the Bible at all times (no, not the King James version--PC crap). This, along with a .44 magnum loaded with some kind of jewelry bullet or holy water will keep any dirty sand nippers at bay, as well as show your co-workers and fellow church-goers that you mean business.
Sand Nippers' Religion
The sand nippers' religion is a horrible barbarianship based on violence and deicidal bloodbath rituals; even the Satanists want them dead. Their god is a demonic (or dæmonic) entity that murders little kittens, their version of heaven is a sinful hellhole frought with even more violence and and deicidal bloodbath rituals, and they take advice from some old fuck with a turban. Now do you see why all sand nippers must be killed as soon as possible? (Oh, and it'd be really great if we can desecrate their temples, too) They'd to the same to us. After all, they do wanna kill you and your family, right?
So by now, you pretty much hate sand nippers just as much as I do. Which is a good thing, because it's people like you that will rid the world of sand nippers and usher in a new era of peace. God knows the world would be a better place without them dirty, stinking, filthy, bomb-chucking sand nig--