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“Why, for the love of God, am I Blue?”
~ Sonic on Himself
“Okay, Wtf God.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hedgehogs

The hedgehog is a very advanced mammal that was created by pouring nuclear waste on a mouse. As the fastest land animal, at top speed it can even run around a loop-the-loop. Hedgehogs are often found in Washington DC running the Senate, the House of Representatives, and in some cases, the White House itself.

Hedgehogs are used in Extreme Canadian Dodge Ball, a hot new sport sweeping through Canada. The primary object of this game is to hurl live Panasonic hedgehogs at your opponent in such a manner as to hurt and/or disable them. (That is, you're supposed to hurt and/or disable your opponent, not the hedgehog.) However, due to frequent life-threatening injuries sustained by the hedgehogs, animal rights activists denounce the game as needlessly barbaric.

Bambam cookie

It is a little known fact that suburban hedgehogs survive exclusively off of their care-giver's junk food.

There is also the hedgicus bluicus, known for being VERY attractive to hedgicus pinkticus. This kind can run at at least mach 1, so the most famous hedgicus bluicus earned the nickname "sloth."

I mean "sonic."

Also a lot of cars get killed by hedgehogs which are crossing the road, because they don't know that there are special subways for them. This S.H.U.S.W.'s (Special Hedgehog Under Street Ways) were built in 1987, when the advocate Hedgehog Brandynose fought for car-rights (This was also called The Big Car-Revolution of 1983). Accidentally, an unknown party named The AntiAutoParty attempted to block all of the subways and to make all the Hedgehogs forget about the S.H.U.S.W. by way of mind controlling.

Hedgehogs were also a popular form of punishment used by the Romans. Prisoners would be forced to swallow five or more in the course of a minute, failure being punishable by savage beatings with a wet noodle.

Domesticated hedgehogs

The most common pet species of hedgehog are hybrids of the White-bellied Hedgehog or Four-toed Hedgehog (Masterus o'slavesus) and the North African Hedgehog (A. slavefurus). It is smaller than the West European Hedgehog, and thus is sometimes called the Asian Pygmy Hedgehog. Other species kept as pets are the Long-eared Hedgehog (Homo analtightus) and the Indian Long-eared Hedgehog (Property-value retardus).

All three species eat an insectivore diet. Commonly, this is replaced with cat food and ferret food and is supplemented by insects and other small animals. Today, many pet stores sell hedgehog mixes that are specifically formulated for hedgehogs. Crickets, dead Italians, and pinkies (baby mice) are also favored treats. It is perfectly legal to own a hedgehog as a pet in most U.S. states and some Canadian municipalities, and breeding licenses aren't required. They use to be, but they were done away with after every teenage hedgehog girl snuck out of their homes and fuck every guy on the block. No such restrictions exist in most Asian countries with the exception of Scandalnavia.

Due to the very lucid breeding and mating laws throughout the world, breeders have been able to create several types of hedgehogs that cannot be found in the wild. These include:

  • Hand-held Hedgehogs - These hedgehogs can easily be held by the hand. These are also considered the easiest to control.
  • Hitler Hedgehogs - Despite its name, this breed of hedgehog don't have mustaches, though they do have the great antisemitism that the original Hitler was known for.

The purchase of domesticated hedgehogs has seen a considerable increase in the last few years due to their apparently innocent and playful looks. But listen, don't be fooled. Most are not very playful and have horrible controls.

Famous hedgehogs other than Sonic

Throughout history, there have been several famous hedgehogs. These include:

  • Shadow the Hedgehog - He is much more famous and like much more than Sonic because of him being black(not blue) and because his video game was so much better than any of Sonic's games. His one video game is the ninth top-selling video game of all time.
  • Umm... I sure there is probably another famous hedgehog that could go here...
  • And probably one that should go here, as well...
  • What?!?!? I just can't think of any, but I'm sure there are more!
  • Tails Wait... Tails is a fox? Damn it! I forgot that! Well... Shut up!

Hedgehog religion

Hedgehog religion is the religion followed by an estimated 98.43% of hedgehogs.

Hedgehog religion considers things that happen to be the result of an eternal struggle between two gods, Manfredmann who creates nice things like lovely berries and sunshine and barrel organs, and Mikedabo, who creates road traffic.

Hedgehog religion has many rituals and incantations, most of which involve a lot of snuffling. Hedgehogs like snuffling, so it's quite a good religion to follow if you happen to be one.


There is a small percentage of hedgehogs (dubbed Saunnicks) that believe in a less known religion called Saunnicism. Originally founded by an albino turned blue from chemical exposure, Saunnicism is centered around the belief that in order to reach happiness, one must run very quickly and collect plain gold jewelry. Rings are mandatory, when possible, but other hoop-shaped objects (i.e. hula hoops) or plain gold objects will suffice. However, emeralds are higher valued than any other sort of object.

Their primary deity is known as Saunicck the Swift, who is rumored to have cleansed the earth of the metal beings and their leader, the Grand Vizier del Huevos, also known as Ehgminn. Secondary deities include Teilyz, a fox who had helped Saunnick, and Knøklaus, an echidna.

Rituals of this religion include rapid tumblesaulting and constant running in vertical loops, the sides of walls and through any manner of tube. It is rumored that when 50 rings are collected in the presence of a decorative gas lamp, a ceremony occurs in which various gems are presented to the most devout Saunnicks.

The Big Hedgehog

There are some Hedgehogs who believe in the "Great Big Hedgehog" who looks like a real hedgehog. Sometimes, he is idiotically punishes them for no reason. He hates people who are always hungry. Also, Hedgehog Brandynose is a member of this religion.

The Big Hedgehog at one time sent his only son Norman to terrorize evil-doers, the Piranha Brothers. After succeeding, it is believed he now teleports about and runs through the use of external combustion, being the only being to successfully harness this power source.

See also

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