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Typical GRIDS sufferer.

Gay-related infant death syndrome (GRIDS) is the medical term ascribed to the propensity of children born to homosexuals with AIDS to die within infancy. The disease is poorly understood and there are few preventive measures which can be taken to prevent the child from dying. However, there have been a few precursor symptoms, such as gay bowel syndrome, which can be seen among infants prior to death. The only proposed method of treating the illness is with the Kadir-Buxton method.[1] The current mortality rate of children born to gays is 3 in 2, meaning that for every two children born to gays, three of them will die. The disease is not to be confused with gay-related infant disownership syndrome, in which a baby born to heterosexual parents is disowned immediately due to its homosexual tendencies, such as a fondness for putting things in its mouth or gripping phallic-shaped objects such as fingers.

edit History

The phenomenon was first observed among gays in the 1980s with the outbreak of AIDS. Gay breeding became a social issue in the United States with progressives understandably wanting to allow for gay breeding and conservatives opposing on the basis that it is anatomically impossible. Pat Robertson was quoted as saying, "After all, where would you stick your penis?" Legislation was passed in many states which banned adoption by gays in an attempt to curb the problem, but this was largely unsuccessful as gays began to reproduce asexually.

GRIDS was officially deemed a pandemic by the World Health Organisation in 2007. According to a 2009 world history report done by then-twelve year old boy named Philip, some 60 million people have been infected worldwide, with some 25 million deaths, and 14 million orphaned children in southern Africa alone since the epidemic began.[2]

edit Symptoms

Gay parents should take their children to the doctor if they exhibit a profound ability to play the piano, a liking of lavender-scented candles, and a fondness for Barry Manilow music.

However, some of the foretell signs of GRIDS may go unnoticed for many years. It has been found that one hundred percent of gay parents introduce all children they encounter on the streets to gaping anus.

edit Diagnosis

The first conclusive diagnosis test was an rectal exam by the Honda-produced AssIxplorer. It scrapes the side of the anus and injects a blue dye into the eyes of the patient. If the patient enjoys this, they have GRIDS. This method is highly expensive, and most medical professionals are hesitant to perform the procedure as no insurance companies cover the AssIxplorer. Because of this, many doctors purposefully misdiagnose GRIDS as a simple case of diarhea, among other illnesses.

There is also thought to only be one method to cure GRIDS - the Kadir-Buxton Method. Though highly effective and near-free, the Kadir-Buxton Method must currently be employed on every GRIDS bacteria one-by-one. This is a long tedious process and most doctors refuse to perform it. Kadir-Buxton announced he is close to a breakthrough in the method that would instantly kill all GRIDS bacteria in the infant's body with just four hits. However, the baby may become so ashamed in having had GRIDS he or she will commit suicide.

edit Denialism

A large number of GRIDS deniers question the validity of studies done on those afflicted with GRIDS, claiming the only people tracked to see if they catch GRIDS are raised by gay parents. They cite a necessity for a blind study where the researchers do not previously know if the subject is gay before the research by Andrew Kadir-Buxton can be considered valid. Kadir-Buxton denies the denial of the deniers saying, "Why would I waste my time studying children whom I know are not gay? I could be saving 10 billion quid by not wasting my time and so can you!"

Other GRIDS critics even go as far as saying that GRIDS is not a disease, but rather a passing term used by anti-gay marriage activists whom are wishing for some pussy from Santa.

edit Footnotes

  1. The Kadir-Buxton Method (web), Retrieved December 30, 2010.
  2. And Phil's dad's friend's daughter-in-law's uncle works for the United Nations, so it must be true.

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