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edit Limited Internet
Today, (Stardate 55162.9) the Elders of the Internet admitted that their hard drive, which contains all 9,413,371,337 pages of the internet, had begun to get full. People were surprised to hear that rather than storing pages on servers they had opted to store everything on a single hard drive so that it was much easier to move.
Although they wouldn't say how much data has been used (to prevent terrorists from purposely filling the drive up) the Internet Elders did inform us that upon analyzing the hard drive (which is split up into 1,024 separate partitions each containing 1,000,000 websites) which took approximately 43 hours, results came through showing that most of the pages are Google search results. Google was contacted by the Elders to be informed of this and they were asked why if they could delete a few million of their pages. They replied claiming that there wasn't much that they could do to free up any pages. Unfortunately Google also insisted on explaining how their search engine works (as always) since they love to show off.
|"We've taken much time to create a page for every single search result. Google works by receiving the users query, which is then Emailed to Google using Hotmail instead of GMail so that we can clog up their servers instead of our own. Google workers who are fully trained in speedtyping then receive the email and are required to send the right page back to the user. Google "spiders" (the code name for our website browsers) spend their days trying to make pages for every possible search result that a user could possibly search for, which is how Google gives the best results every time. This is why searches for "asdioawetanbmvpsdapow" are yet to return any results. Trust us, we're working on it. So far since we are being quoted we know that we can add Unnews to have that come up later but we have to do a lot of searching for more results."|
Finally they actually gave the answer to the original question.
Google, 48 minutes later
|"If we were to remove pages, people wouldn't be able to find much because we are the best Search Engine there is. We know this and that is why we can't sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the internet. It's immoral. Also it would make a lot of our spiders very angry. Google hope that this lack of space crisis is resolved so that we can let our spiders continue their work happily. Because we, Google, want our spiders to be happy. That's why we call them spiders. They like that. We also love each and every person on the entire Earth."|
It is rumored that off-camera Google suggested that they delete other sites rather then deleting their pages. Then Google would need less pages in the first place.
Wikipedia was also asked to let some pages go. Some random guy (who claims to own Wikipedia) replied with a simple, short answer.
“That wouldn't help. If I deleted the Wiki articles, people would just create them again, duh. It's not like Wikipedia is under my control, I just take the credit.”
The Internet Elders finally came to a conclusion when having a discussion between themselves. After two and a half hours of what we can only assume was talking, they eventually announced that they were going to attempt simply deleting most of the Myspace, Facebook and Bebo pages.
“They take up loads of space (especially Myspace, hence the name) and most of them aren't even used anymore.”
It was also agreed that they'd leave any pages containing pages of hot teen girls. But mixed responses came from different websites.
“But we need to keep all of the information about EVERYONE!”
“We care very much about maintaining pages of our young users. Especially pictures. You can't ask us to get rid of them.”
“When we started out we were hoping these kids would actually make some good fricken websites to increase our fame. But these little brats can't even design a good website using the advanced tools we gave them! Delete em, we don't really care.”
“Just don't delete my page, guys.”
“Don't listen to Tom, he doesn't even work with Myspace. He's just a hacker.”
“This isn't going to work! We're all going to die!!!”
“Think about the math, guys... The increase rate of the websites divided by the deletion of these pages is 409,821. So deleting is only going to delay the full hard drive by about 3 days.”
“3 extra days to masturbate to porn? Worth it.”
“Why don't they just get a new hard drive?! It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Or why couldn't they have listened to my original suggestion and put everything on a server. You can get them small enough to carry these days so it's not like anything bad can happen.”
|Kid, we hardly understand what you're saying. You know how long it took us to set up a wireless hard drive? Eh?! It required brains which you obviously haven't got. You don't understand that servers are just too powerful to make wireless and if we put wires to them we'd get a rather tangled thing going on. And maybe if we could afford another hard drive we would buy one bigger than 120GB, but there is no money in this business. So keep your smartass suggestions to yourself. K, kid?|
Some people are feeling good about the plan, though.
|Of course the internet is going to survive. It has survived for nearly 2,000 years, now... It even survived through the war in which Russia attempted to steal it from the CIA. And we've never let anyone know this before, but once we dropped it down the stairs and it STILL survived. So calm down and stop thinking that this means the internet is going to come to a halt.|
|Okay, what did we do when terrorists blew up that mall? We built another. What did we do when that fat person couldn't fit into our phone booths? We invented cellphones. And what did we do when TV's couldn't fit anymore channels? We invented digital. All we have to do is invent a new internet. Granted, it may take some time to re-program. Especially since we have to make sure the frequencies don't interfere with each other. But it's possible. We could call it something like 'Internet 2.0'. It would be great. Bigger and better. The current internet is getting old anyway.|
edit 17 November, 2009
Updates on the situation will come at a later time. For now the Elders are working on creating a backup archive on a Floppy Disk so that if the hard drive explodes due to the strain we can simply launch the backup.
Another Elder "The best thing is that when the backup is launched, everything in existence will go back to the time when the backup finishes so we won't miss a period where the internet isn't updated."
edit 23 January, 2010
The Elders successfully saved half of the hard drive space via super 7Zip compression (during which time some websites were lost). Although this problem is only solved until about the year 2534, it will be their problem.
edit 8 September, 2010
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|