User:DeeJaay Batoushai/Shampoo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.”
~ Jack Nicholson on Shampoo
Yellow-shampoo

We do not want you to be disgusted, being fully aware that you are, but with due respect that is some squeezed out SHAMPOO!

Shampoo (literally the conglomerate of two words, Sham or Fake and Poo or Feces) is the gooey stuff that comes in fancy bottled packs, which we apply with utmost care on our hair. It is believe to cleanse oils, dirt, dandruff and pollutants but the sheer smell is captivating enough to enjoy without questioning.

Shampoos have found varied usage in our day to day lives. From hair fall reduction to attainment of permanent baldness everything can be managed by one or other brands of Shampoo. Some shampoos are also used to remove the parasites that find people's stinking heads attractive enough to bite into and suck from.

edit History

Earliest acts of shampooing were observed in Neanderthals where they applied each others poo in each others hair. The smell of the ones poo in other's hair was a popular mating technique in the Neanderthal Era.

Shampoo is derived from the Hindi word Champu dating back to days of the Mogul Empire where it denoted a Head Message and typically consisted of Bird Poo, Dog Poo and Rat Poo that gave off a peculiar sweet smell. Later the British were given so many Champi's that their head reeled and the Hold of the crown got loosened on India. It was one of the immaculate plans of Mahatma Gandhi himself.

Later Shampooing became just applying poo to ones hair, no matter from where it was acquired. Usually vendors did the dirty work, while shampooers just enjoyed the smell. The habit was so intoxicating that a survey on American in the year 1900 showed 7 out of every 10 Americans loved Shampooing.

Shampoo was officially Discovered by Woody Allen who humbly refuses the credit, with the help of 167 different organic poos and 63 different fart fragrances. It was first officially advertised in the Brazzers official site with Jenna Jameson applying it to the crotch area.

Soap and Shampoo are very similar products. Shampoo is caused by loose motion where as Soap is caused by Constipation.

edit Composition

Shampoo generally consists of a basic poo, to give off the smell, and a co-poo or secondary poo to make the mixture fluid. Other necessary additives include urine to adjust viscosity and Preservatives.

All shampoos must follow the Cardinal rule of Shampoos. These include:

  • Pleasing Color
  • Easy Rinsing
  • Minimal skin/eye irritation
  • Feels thick and/or creamy
  • Pleasant fragrance
  • Low toxicity
  • Good biodegradability
  • Slightly acidic (pH less than 7)
  • No damage to hair (Non-Cardinal)

Shampoos besides being gooey are sometimes shiny. This is achieved by collection Hamster Poo after feeding them with Diamond dust.

edit Common Ingredients

Jamie-gag

Manufacturing Shampoo

The other essential ingredients in making a Shampoo were mentioned in Macbeth by William Shakespeare. They include:

  • Toad venom : Anti-fungal
  • Fillet of a fenny snake : Anti-fungal
  • Eye of newt : Anti-allergen
  • Toe of frog : Superstition
  • Wool of bat : Coagulating Irritants.
  • Tongue of dog : Licking the Bald Head clean
  • Adder's fork : Licking what can't be licked by the Dog's Tongue
  • Blind worm's sting : Paralyzing Lice
  • Lizards leg : Superstition
  • Owlet's wing : Making the Shampoo better than Red Bull
  • Scale of dragon : Protective Covering after cleaning
  • Tooth of wolf : Biting Massage
  • Witches' mummy : Cursing the Dirt not to come back
  • Maw & gulf of shark : Unknown
  • Root of Hemlock : Making you Addicted every time you Shampoo
  • Liver of blaspheming Jew : So that you don't indulge in Blasphemy
  • Gall of goat : So that you don't drink the Shampoo
  • Slips of Yew (cut under the light of the moon) : Sounds cool
  • Nose of Turk : So that he can't smell
  • Tartar's lips : So that he can't kiss
  • Finger of an infant : so that he has just four and
  • Baboon's blood : Coloring.

edit Benefits

Many Shampoos contain Coli form bacteria, a type of Rod shaped animals people normally don't see, but would love to see without having the slightest knowledge knowledge of what they are capable of. These organisms, cleanse skin and destroys lice and other harmful animals manifesting on the Host. Coli forms are also know for they fertilizing abilities and can make Hair grow 3 times faster than normal shampoos.

Besides coli form bacteria, shampoos also contain various eggs and larvae of worm making it a Protein Mixture. Theoretically, a protein mixture should help developing kids and teens but we do not advise shampoo to be consumed without doctor's prior advice.

edit Specializations

edit Dandruff

Some Shampoos are specially designed for dead scalp and dandruff. These contain bacterial fungicides or Coal Tar.

edit All Natural

These shampoos are the hardest to get. Manufacturers take solemn pains to collect natural poo from different sources without altering eating habits of the organism. Natural shampoo causes no infection and contains no allergens. They degrade easily and enrich the soil after degradation.

edit Baby or Infant

Baby or Infant shampoo is specially designed for babies. They come with extra fragrance and the burning sensation of the eyes is reduced to zero. Infant shampoos became popular in 1980's after Prince Harry was advertised when he was still an infant with baby shampoo.

edit Animal

“Your Doggy can have it too!”
~ Advertisement on Animal Shampoo

Special shampoos for pets are also available to keep their furs shiny. The shampoo cannot be used by humans unless attainment of permanent baldness is the primary objective. Primates love this product and it helps them keep their crotch clean.

edit Crotch

Genital-crabs-shampoo

Shampoo for Genital Lits and Lice

Special shampoo is manufactured for reliving irritations in the crotch area by lice and lits. People who do not take a bath for a month and Hippies usually use this once in every three weeks. Crotch shampoos have an unusually high working percentage on people with a high frequency of Masturbating.

edit Love Poo Movement

A movement was launched in the later half of the 1980's by enthusiasts to show their support for quality shampoo. The movement consisted of people who regularly shampooed and encouraged shampooing. Adherents to the movement used organic poo and even their own poo for shampooing. Dermatologist conclude that using shampoo for long periods of time, improved hair, reduced scalp and helped improve the quality of poo the individuals produced.

edit Traditional and Prehistoric Use

  • Native American tribes used Bald Eagle poo for shampooing. It is believed that all the elements in the poo helped keep the Eagle species bald and add hair to other species, usually Humans, using it.
  • Indians used Horse poo for a good message. They believe it reduces stress and help the growth of Hair Follicles.
  • Ancient Egyptians used Mummified poo as a tradition for better pass over to the Netherworld and mummified their kings with the poo of their children as a silent prayer to prevent balding of future generations.
  • Chinese and Japanese males used female poo as a mating custom.

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects