From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit This is my own sandbox
| My own sandbox|
Touch this, you're dead.
edit Original manuscript
It has been a well hidden secret that the original script of Star Wars was explicitly sexual. George Lucas himself even admits to this saying "If I had total control over the script, Star Wars would have taken a more sexual, kinky form." But, thanks to resourceful uncyclopedians, the original manuscript can now finally be revealed.
Below are examples co-producers of Star Wars never intended to be known to the public:
edit Episode IV
- C3PO reveals his love of watersports:
C3PO: "This bath is going to feel so good"
- Leia talking about Tarkin's private parts:
Princess Leia: "The more you tighten your penis, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your anus."
- Luke meeting Leia:
Leia: Aren't you a little gay for a stormtrooper?"
Luke: What? oh.
- Obi-wan Kenobi really ran a sex shop:
Kenobi: "This is your father's dildo. Not as clumsy as a blaster. A more civilised sex toy, from more civilised times"
Solo: "What's the cargo?"
Kenobi: "Just me, the boy and these two pleasure droids. And no questions asked."
- The Death Star was a large sexual torture chamber:
Skywalker: But she (princess Leia) has been scheduled for Rape!
Solo: Better her than me!
- Han Solo being worried that the stormtrooper uniform wouldn't conceal his large erection:
Solo: This is never gonna work... I've got a huge hard-on!
Skywalker: You should have jerked off before!
Solo: I DID jerk off before!
- Han passing wind during anal sex with Chewie:
"What an incredible smell you've discovered!..."
- Leia commenting on Han having sex with Chewie:
Leia: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!
- Frequent notes on sex with animals, with Solo as the interspecies pimp:
Leia: "I'd just as soon fuck a Wookiee!"
Solo: "I can arrange that! You could use a good fuck!".
- The Rebel fighters belonged to a sexually depraved sect:
(An X-wing pilot having sex with his co-pilot):
"Almost there...almost there...it's away. Negative. It didn't go in. I just impacted on the surface."
- Luke having a threesome with his Rebel counterparts:
Rebel: "Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?"
Luke: "Get clear, Wedge; you can't do any more good back there!"
- Han Solo also had some gay urges regarding Luke:
Solo: That's one shot in a million kid, now blow this thing and go home!
Luke: Excuse me?
edit Episode V
- The rebels always suspected Luke of being homosexual:
Rebel: It's possible he came through the south entrance.
- Han and Leia inspecting each other:
Leia: "Ahhhh, what is this thing?"
Han: "I think it's a cave infested with bats!"
- Yoda was Luke's sexual teacher, and his genitalia were enormous. Yoda was the active, Luke the passive, unwilling.
Luke: I can't do it. It's too big.
Yoda: Judge me by my size, do you? There is no try. Do, or do not.
Luke: You ask the impossible.
- Han and Chewbacca got VERY close:
Han: You've got something jammed in here real good.
- Han ejaculating in front of Chewie:
"Lick it up, fuzzball!"
- Luke filmed Han and Leia's sex tapes:
Han: I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?
- Han during a threesome with C-3PO and Chewie:
C-3PO: "Sir, it's quite possible this position is not entirely stable."
Han: "Not entirely stable? Well, I'm glad you're here to tell us these things. Chewie, take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive!"
- C-3PO commenting the rough threesome afterwards:
C-3PO: "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
R2-D2: "[Series of beeps]"
C-3PO: "Of course I've looked better!"
edit Episode VI
- Luke saying that he is homosexual like his father:
Luke: "Never. I'll never turn to the Straight Side. You've failed, your highness. I am a homo, like my father before me."
The Emperor: "So be it... Faggot."
- Emperor Palpatine, showing his large genitals to Luke Skywalker:
"You want this, don't you?"
edit New Episodes (I, II, III)
- Anakin commenting on his wild rape escapade:
"I raped them. I raped them all. Every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too! They're like animals, and I raped them like animals. I fucked them!"
- (Moments later)
Padme:"To be a rapist is to be human."
Anakin:"I'm a rapist. I can be better than this."
- Anakin and Obi-Wan fight over sex positions:
Obi-Wan: "It's over Anakin. I have the high ground!"
Anakin: "You underestimate my power!"
- Darth Sidious Talking to Anakin:
Sidious: "Now I want you to go to the Mustafar System
and Rape Nute Gungay."
- Yoda goes to Kashyyyk to have sex with Wookies:
Yoda: "Good relationships with the Wookies, I have."
- Count Dooku commenting on how Anakin keeps coming back:
Count Dooku: "Brave of you boy, but foolish. I thought you had learned your lesson by now."
Anakin: "I am a slow learner"
- Padme says that she believes Count Dooku is a rapist not a murderer:
Ki-Adi-Mundi: "He is a rapist, not a murderer."
Mace Windu: You know, m'lady, that Count Dooku was once a Jedi. He couldn't rape anyone. It's not in his character."
- Dooku wants Obi-Wan to have sex with him:
Obi-Wan: "I will never fuck you, Dooku."
Count Dooku: It may be difficult to secure your release."
- Jango Fett is trying to have sex with Obi-wan:
Boba Fett: "Fuck him, Dad, Fuck him!"
- Obi-Wan wondering if Anakin had recieved his condom:
Obi-Wan: "I was beginning to wonder if you'd got my condom."
Anakin: "I retransmitted it to Coruscant, just as you'd requested, Master. Then we decided to come and have sex with you."
Obi-Wan: "Good job."
- Obi-Wan lost is condom:
Yoda: "Mmm. Lost a condom, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing."
- Palpatine thinks Anakin is hot:
Palpatine: "You don't need sex, Anakin. In time, you will learn to trust your sexual feelings. Then, you will be invincible. I have said it many times, you are the most hottest Jedi I have ever met."
Anakin: "Thank you, Your Excellency."
Palpatine: "I see you becoming the hottest of all the Jedi, Anakin. Even more hotter than Master Yoda."
- In the speeder, while Anakin is masturbating:
Obi-Wan: "You know I don't like it when you do that."
Anakin: "Sorry, master. I forgot that you don't like masturbating."
Obi-Wan: "I don't mind Masturbating. But what your doing is suicide!"
- Dooku had sex with too many Jedi, and now Obi-wan and Anakin want to do it with him:
Anakin: "You're going to pay for all the Jedi that you fucked today, Dooku."
Obi-Wan: "We'll fuck him together. You go in slowly on the left..."
Anakin: "No, I'm fucking him NOW!"
Obi-Wan: "No Anakin, NO!"
- Anakin starts masturbating again:
Anakin: "If you'll excuse me Master."
[Anakin starts masturbating]"
Obi-Wan: I hate it when he does that."
- Anakin staring at Padme's private parts:
Padme: "Please don't look at my private parts."
Anakin: "Why not?"
Padme: "Because it makes me feel uncomfortable."
Anakin: "Sorry my lady."
- Kaminos want people with good looks and big dicks:
Obi-Wan: "These Kaminos, are they hot?"
Dexter Jettster: "That depends."
Obi-Wan: "Depends on what Dex?"
Dexter Jettster: "On how well your looks are, and how big your penis is."
In the series, Chewie is definately the most sexually active. We counted over 20 sex scenes involving him in the original manuscript (not including gay, group or animal to animal scenes (its about 42 including those)). He was also prone to spontaneous orgasms, which were never actually edited out of the script. Everytime he makes that Chewie noise (you know, the muuuuuuuuuuwuuwuwuwaa one...) he is having one. And when he throws his head back and beats his chest, you know its a really big one.