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|Gender:||Male who wears tights|
|Weight:||220 lbs. (Adamantium skeleton)|
|Occupation:||Crimefighter, transvestigative reporter (see what I did there?)|
|Base of operations:||Metropolis, USA|
|Date Of Birth||December 12, 2012 B.C|
“Because of Berserk Manga Biatch!!”
CyberNinja is an alien freak who hides his identity with a gas mask. CyberNinja first appeared across the NET in early 1995 was often mistaken for Gary Busey because of the incomprehensible way he talks. CyberNinja is known for his spectacular abilities that seem to defy the laws of physics, and his sarcastic dry sense of humor that seem to annoy people who have stick up their asses. Aside from his family and close friends, no one gets CyberNinja's sense of humor, and most people don't respect CyberNinja, but everyone envies his tight buttocks.
edit Enter The Man of Yesteryear!
CyberNinja, named from the Greek word Cyber, meaning "Virtual insanity," and Ninja meaning "fucking awesome," is from the planet Tatooine which is somewhere in Somalia, and is the nation's most famous for of all things, PIRATES!! CyberNinja though he never battled evil pirate robots under the control of the evil accountant, Richard Gill, he was widely regarded as the personal hero of most Humans for being the man living longest in America with no greencard. G.W.B. had him declared a national enemy, however, when he accidentally voted for Al Gore. He later called the Bushians "total pussies" after they repeatedly tried to knife him, but failed.
CyberNinja has provided information about his home planet of Tatooine in interviews, one especially popular is the Oprah show, where Tom Cruise can be seen jumping on sofas proclaiming Scientology's supremity. Tatooine orbited a red dwarf popstar named Gimli, known for his horse rapage deleted scenes in Lord of the Rings. One day, all horses on Tatooine eventually died of AIDS due to Gimli's longing for sexual climax, thus, the horny midget proceeded to using Tatooinans to feed his everlasting hunger. Although the details remain unknown, CyberNinja was the only survivor.
edit CyberNinja's first appearance
The CyberNinja first appeared across the NET in early 1995 in a multiple forums.
edit Public reaction
Within Metropolis, the effect of the CyberNinja's take over the internet caused a major down turn in crime. Threatened by the CyberNinja, the Metropolis crime syndicates formed a single cartel named Intergang. The Metropolis Police Department responded to this by forming the unit Interpol, but were then sued by a mysterious foreign organazation that claimed to have been using the same name for several decades. So the new crime unit was rechristened as the Criminal Asshole Crotch Kickers or C.A.C.K.
edit Terrorist Controversy
In 2003, CyberNinja was accused by arch nemesis Janet Reno of using his super powers to super embezzle funds to known terrorist groups. CyberNinja responded with the following statement:
"CyberNinja stands for the American way, and does nothing wrong. This in the name of the one true God, Allah."
This led to the US Department of Justice filing official charges of him, claiming that CyberNinja and his refusal to fully cooperate with the then-republican government was an act of treason and also that he had refused to pay royalties to Johnny Depp for the unauthorized usage of the power known as "Cyber Strength." CyberNinja has declined comment and has since settled for an undisclosed amount of money.
The last issue of "CyberNinja Weekly Insanity" showed him working as an amateur Lucha libre, under the name of "El Montenegro lebra."
edit CyberNinja Returns
After having been away, CyberNinja returned. Unreliable news reports suggest that someone, possibly in Alaska, gave a damn, although it might have only been a flying fuck.
Bryan Singer proved that an ugly kid, an unlikable Lois Lame (He should have had Terri Hatcher play her again. Damn, she is hot) and the slaughter of tiny animals cannot make for a good film.
CyberNinja eventually ditched Lois Lame for the girl who plays Chloe on "Smallville". Why? Because obviously, that Chloe has bigger boobs, ass and prettier pussy and mouth than anybody else. He plans on suckin the milk, licking, pushing, kissing, it's his hidden power. He took Chloe to remains of Tatooine away from civillians and drank all the milk from her. It looks disgusting, but both Chloe and CyberNinja liked it.
For more information on this perverted piece of tripe and how it is nothing more than a rehash of Richard Donner's 1978 film, go the CyberNinja's Website
edit Public Life
CyberNinja gained fame in 1999 in an Episode of the reality TV show Big Brother because of his whiny and attention-seeking personality. Since then he has featured in many talk shows, written a website, confessions of a dungeons and dragons level 75th level magic user, and several books. These were all met with massive public apathy. At one point Oprah was quoted as saying, "Nobody cares. You are more inconsequential than a Chinese factory laborer's bladder stone. GO GET A REAL JOB", which prompted him to write his bestselling book "They Care Too!", about his emotional response to this statement.He recently changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol. CyberNinja was, since the age of 3, a registered member of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, and after several decades of defending Russia, succeeded Joseph Stalin as the Soviet Premier. CyberNinja dedicated his life to the defense of the Communist ideal, and lived only for the working class. He has a myspace, and was the 2004 Wimbledon Champion.
edit Private Life
CyberNinja spends most of his time at his "Cyber Santuary," where he keeps his stuff, which includes his "Cyber underwears," his ",Cyber condoms " and is where he watches Stargate Atlantis. From time to time, CyberNina has been known to make use of his highly-coveted "Cyber Left Hand," and his "Cyber Baby Lotion." These weapons, however, are for only the most extreme of situations and are only used an average of once a day, twice on Sundays, bank holidays, and during Star Trek.
CyberNinja despite of Superman's envy, and rage has been linked romantically with kick-ass reporter Lois Lane, a southern belle who "moved on up" to the big town, and with alternate-universe CyberNinja. In Later years CyberNinja has said of Adam Sandler that his boderline sucky movies are like "the very mention of pirates which irritate me." Lane has declined comment, but it should be noted that in 2002 Adam Sandler and Lane were seen bitch-slapping each other outside of a South California Mall, apparently fighting over a pair of extremely bright pink panties. After which she dumped his ass.
Captain Planet has reportedly expressed interest in the "Cyber loving" of CyberNinja, but CyberNinja has apparently refused all of Cap's unwelcome advances. As of Nov. 2004, Captain Planet has said nothing of CyberNinja other than "that triflin ho'll get whut comin' to him." Planet then flew up into the air, exploding into five rings while saying, "the power is yours, bitches!"
It is known that CyberNinja has a soft spot for japanese culture (except anything "kawaii") as you can see here in a combined traditional dance from both their home planets, they were caught in a planet called japan by Manbearpig:
CyberNinja has many powers:
- Poo Flinging: Just like a trained monkey, CyberNinja has the ability to fling his own poop thousands of miles. This proves useful when he is pitted against his most powerful enemies, Hugh Jackman. His poop often reaches critical mass and explodes at several thousand megatons.
- Cyber-knitting: Yes, this is actually one of his powers, he can make sweater so tight, it will strangle his enemies.
- Flying:This is one of his rare powers, after all, CyberNinja is the ONLY Ninja that can fly.
- Cyber Speed: So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and just super speed only. CyberNinja had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that CyberNinja was superior to Flash in every way, Flash killed himself, and CyberNinja laughed at his funeral. What a dick.
- Kamehameha: A new power that CyberNinja got mysteriously when people started watchin an overrated show called Dragonball Zzzzz.
- Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, CyberNinja happens to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit CyberNinja, he'd still live. If a meteor hit CyberNinja, he'd still live, If a piece of green rock touched him he'd die. Real bullets can kill CyberNina, but people shoot him with weak guns to make him sound strong. However there is one thing known to bypass his invincibility... the King Kong's Kryptonite Penis.
Unfortunately he has had a brain lobotomy and is not so "Cyber".
- Crying Mommy: A power that shouts "Mommy! This guy hit me! Boohoo!" It is so powerful that CyberNinja's mommy will mysteriously appear and take a baking roller and penetrate the villain's bum so much that it breaks and the villain will dissipate.
- Tom Hagen: Hagen is known to be best negotiator in whole New York! If you try to talk with CyberNinja, he will MAKE you play volleyball with him only with talking. (Usually it's threatening).
- Media Power: Most superheroes are terrible with media. But, the exaggerated media fame of CYberNinja is his main power. CyberNinja uses media to spread lies about the villain. The villain becomes depressed, and attempts suicide. Right before, CyberNinja comes and convinces them not to. But, being CyberNinja, he kills them instead.
- Cyber-Prefixing: CyberNinja can put the word Cyber in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
- Insulting Power: CyberNInja also has the ability to insult or curse any man who comes on his property. It came to him naturally in the 1300s after making his peace offering with Ultra-Jesus. His words were said to give people in real life courage to face their problems.
- Cyber-Breath: This is actually a real power of CyberNinja. CyberNinja can hold his breath longer than anyone, which is quite helpful when large air-obstructing objects are shoved down his throat. He also can blow harder and more intense than anyone as well, which is suggestive in itself. You name it, he'll blow it. He is known for his power to hold breath 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 milleniums, 1 hour 45 minutes 6 seconds. Any second longer and giant kryptonite will come and crush him. What can you say, he's an alien.
- Cyber-stition: This is why CyberNInja uses his undies outside because he says that it makes him stronger and why he uses a gas mask, because it helps he farts a lot.
- Cybermon: This power allows CyberNinja to summon his powerful digimon, Cybermon, who's just like his dog, Krypto, except it has eleven tentacles, it's orange, and it's bisexual, but it comes from a computer rather than from another planet.
- Marry You to a Monkey: CyberNinja can marry you to a monkey, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
- Ismael-itis being stupid.
- BluRay Vision: Yes, He sees everything in 1080p and hears everything in DTS-HD thanks to his kick ass gas mask.
- Midget Call: he can call midgets by waving his "magic wand". Midgets appear out of trash cans and CyberNinja becomes sexually arrowsed.
- Instant Pizza Telephone Prank Call: When CyberNinja gets hungry or him get emotional he can use his mind to call the pizza shop. CyberNinja hasn't handled this power yet, so he doesn't know how to order a pizza. many go by it as a prank call, when CyberNinja just really wants a pizza.
edit In popular culture
edit UK Version
In the UK, CyberNinja is Kenneth Clarke, a member of Parliament by day who secretly fought crime until he realized that the problems criminals were causing would give him something to use as a campaign issue during elections. His arch-nemesis is Ming Luthor, a liberal politician who wants to take over Parliament. Eventually. Some day. Also there is a mexico version... El Clarkoh Kentoh, muy bueno, muy poder. Intercourse.
If you live in the US, disregard the above text as anything that happens overseas is meaningless anyway.
edit Fan Films
Cyber ninjas can only affect the "real" world by getting high off virtual kittens, and "jacking off" into the "Styrofoam Cup". Within the "Cup", they have many awesome powers, such as the ability to bend soft plastic items, and the even more amazing power to obtain sudden knowledge about the application of high-tech laundry detergents.
When you meet a Cyber Ninja, your first thought may be...eh? That is because Cyber Ninjas are really sneaky and you may get the feeling that they're trying to tell you something, as if in a secret code or lingo that you don't know. It's very disconcerting.
It's all Greek to us.
The most famous of the Cyber Ninja is Sektor, everybody knows he's not actually a ninja, but if you try to tell him that, he turns your head into a bloody mist, so just call him one anyways.
|President of Television|
1987 - 1988
|Protector of the American Way|
1991 - Present
|This article forms part of the series on Scientology|
|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
|Concepts||The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)|
|People||L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy|
|Enemies||You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Appliantology ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous|