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“Who the hell is this skinny loser?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cren5063

Cren5063 is just another run of the mill college guy with homework, study groups, an occasional frat party, self-hatred, and a laptop computer. He is called many names, including Tall Dude, Josh, EmokidEmokidEmokid, Manorexic, and most often, stay away from my children!. Cren5063 is frequently found alone, cowering underneath something in a desperate attempt to escape scathing satire, humor at his expense, and a supposedly omnipotent, omniscient, and invisible pasta dish. When not cowaring spinelessly he is often found driving the Kiddie Emporium Van in and around the area of Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

edit Origins and Early Life

Cren5063 was born early in the 1990s in approximately the same year Hurricane Andrew mercilessly cleaned up the trash in southern Florida. The very next year he was the victim of a vicious hit-and-run incident involving a large television. Unfortunately for the perpetrator of said crime, Cren5063 survived, although permanantly fucked up.

Cren5063's childhood was completely normal. He had "many" childhood friends and did not go completely insane and rob a bank using a cheese grater, a lawn gnome, and horsehair from a violin bow. Everyone knows that bank was robbed by a violin playing chef with dwarfism who just came back from the Home Depot. Everyone.

edit Formative Years

Cren5063 spent his early teenage years under the despotic rule of his two parents, who (erroniously) claimed to not be despots. When asked about the young life of Cren5063, his parents said things like, "Cren5063 never had to deal with any real hardship" and, "He had his own room which was a converted two car garage. He even had his own computer". When asked about any strange behavior Cren5063 exhibited as a teenager, his parents were reported as saying, "For some reason Cren5063 would not put a television in his room. We just couldn't understand why."

Shortly before graduating from high school, Cren5063 was forced by his rediculous parents to move to another town, in a galaxy far, far away. Luckily he didn't have to move to Long Ago. It seems somebody left that part out of his mother's job contract. This led to a lot of confusion, some time travel, and a swirling vortex of quantum something or another in Cren5063's living room, as well as resentment of the control his parents had over him.

edit Young Adulthood

Not long after Cren5063 graduated high school and morphed into his adult form, he moved to the state of Michigan to attend college. Realizing that he was now free from the rule of his parents he went and got a job as a coffee shop cashier so he could pay for college. After working this job for literally hours, he realized people who order drinks at coffee shops are idiots. He publicly blamed this on Starbucks for its 8 oz. macchiatos. Every real barista knows that a macchiato is a single shot of espresso with a spoonful or two of foamed milk on top. So stop asking for a large macchiato! After angrily explaining this exact detail to a customer, Cren5063's boss chewed him out in the back room. In retaliation Cren5063 pushed his boss face-first into the industrial coffee grinder. In a twist of his horrible mind, Cren5063 then used the remains of his boss to brew the best damn cup of coffee on this side of the Pacific Ocean, and then sold it to his customers in the large macchiato cups his boss had recently ordered.

Because of his past actions of Homicide Self-Defense, Cren5063 soon quit his lame job, and decided to keep a low profile for a while.

edit Present Life

Kiddie Emporium Van

The Kiddie Emporium Van on a typical day in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Ignore the palm trees, but do note the strange aerial phenomena which seems to occur whenever I kidnap chidren.

Cren5063 is currently a college student (as his college never found out about his former employer's fate he hasn't yet been expelled). On weekends Cren5063 hitchhikes to Eau Claire, Wisconsin. He hikes over a mile into the woods outside the west end of town and uncovers his rediculously colored van which he then fills with puppies and kittens. One for the children and one for huffing. After a long drive around town, Cren5063 re-hides his van and hitchhikes back to the other side of Lake Michigan to resume life as a felon normal person.

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