Asperger Syndrome (pronounced ASS-burger SIN-drome) is a semi-voluntary behavioural disorder in the guise of a more serious and involuntary neurodevelopmental disability. Statistically it affects an undue number of radiotalk show hosts and Hollywood actors, though it has yet to be determined whether the behavior guides ultimate vocation, or whether the condition results from prolonged exposure to ego-stroking. Some theorists believe that the entire Japanese people suffer from Asperger's Syndrome because of their tendency to stay emotionally detached in all situations except seppuku. (more...)
666 - Shiva tells the people of India that they will die if they do not enlarge their manhood and reproduce, thus becoming one of the largest populations. Vishnu and Brahma get a cheap thrill out of watching the sex.
785 - King Arthur's vision of the Holy Grail is accompanied by the words "Grail! This can be yours FREE!"
999 - Amid predictions of the Apocalypse, European peasants receive anonymous notes offering "hot deals on ultra-sexy self-flagellation gear."
1791 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart chokes on his dentures during a live performance. Antonio Salieri frantically tries to dislodge them from Mozart's throat using his clarinet but only succeeds in driving them in further. Mozart dies as a result. "I feel awful" Salieri is quoted as saying.
1793 - Joseph Marie Jacquard is taught weaving by a super-intelligent tapeworm named Steve.
1929 - Baurhaus designs the new age spam only to have plans delayed by 60 years.