User:CoolJeka/Battle of Chemulpo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Battle of Chemulpo
The battle of Chemulpo was all but a minor confrontation between The Sacred Vodka Empire and the Land of the Rising Sun, Anime and World's Weirdest Stuff. Occurring on a faithful day of Feb. 8, 1904, the battle demonstrated the most potent Japanese weaponry and its destructive effects on the European mariners.
edit Prelude and Forces
The reasons for the battle have been lost in the annals of history however almost everybody agrees that they weren't any different from before - Wine, Women and Bling. Imagine 3 amoebas in a petri dish, 1 of them much smaller than the other two and you will start to get the idea on why it happened. Just in case you want to know, the smaller amoeba was called Korea, and since the construction of its photon cannon grid did not complete until 1995, it was defenseless and ripe for the picking - just like this chick.
The forces were (un)evenly distributed, with Russia possessing 100 dreadnought-class ships, while Japan had only 6 and a junk full of school-girls. At about 11 am of the 8th, the enormous Russian armada ventured from Port Arthur to engage the hapless Japanese fleet. The flagship Varyag led the way, commanded by the valiant Grand Komrade Captain Ahkbarov, from now on referred to as ...ov. ...ov was pretty pissed since he was celebrating a sailor's babuskas birthday (and in an armada such as this - every day was a babuskas birthday celebration!!) and so forgot to shave due to a hangover.
The above picture was taken in the morning of the battle, you can see ...ov is about to draw a saber and finally have a clean cut shave, however it was all cut tragically short by the order to attack.
edit Order of Battle
By 3 pm the Russian fleet was able to completely encircle their opponents. ...ov gave the order to present the binoculars, and THE TERROR!!!...him and his crew noticed the junk full of the hottest japenese schoolgirls ever seen by a roundeye. At once the brave european marineers dropped their sabers and rifles and took a real hard grip of something else. ...ov cried in anguish, understanding that a defeat is imminent if his men cannot take their hands off their privates. However beeing a very open minded person ( courtesy of his visit to fagland) he thought of an ingenious solution. All the wankers were tranferred of Varyag and replaced by the fleet's homosexuals. And since every ship carried a few of those, ...ov soon gathered a fighting crew of some 300 men. A ship Koreits (= "Korean") also accomplanied Varyag in battle, but did not take part in the actual fighting, as onboard was the precious KPOP group DIVA.
Varyag and Koreits bravely engaged the japanese fleet, thus opening up another use of homosexual white men since the time of the Thespian Sacred Band. The battle lasted for the greater part of the day, until a lucky shot from a japanese cruiser wounded ...ov. Without a brave and determined, and most importantly straight captain, the crew of Varyag and Koreits retreated into the harbour. DIVA later made a pop song about this:
Sexy Korean Girls Dancing Seductively The uniforms in this music video honor the brave Russian marines who gave their life to defend the empire, korean way of life and the construction of the photon cannon grid.
edit The (not so far) Reaching Results
The battle had far-reaching results in the whole world, and espetialy in Europe. Important conclusions can be drawn:
- 1. A heterosexual European army can never hope to defeat an Asian force which has at least 1 visible attractive female.
- 2. If the gunners are gay, the reload time of guns is reduced by 25%. Although it is unknown if this had a large effect on
- the battle as the Japanese side was likely plaqued by the same problems.
- 3. Captain Komrade Captain Ahbarov was nominated for saint hood, but a group of Jewish rabbies turned down the proposal since he is an extraterrestial.
--CoolJeka 19:01, June 1, 2010 (UTC)