User:Contestant/Useless Survivor Syndrome

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Useless Survivor Syndrome (or USS) is a phenomena commonly observed in the aftermath of many heavily-publicized fatal accidents involving well-known cultural figures.

edit Definition

USS is formally defined inasmuch that "as one's level of fame increases in proportion to the immediate company, one's likelihood of being fatally injured in an incident increases." The likelihood of death is determined by a scientific formula:

\sigma = \frac{.8}{\lambda_x^2}-\bigg(\Big(\frac{.5}{\lambda_x^2 - \lambda_1^2} \Big)+\Big(\frac{.5}{\lambda_x^2 - \lambda_2^2}\Big)+\cdots+\Big(\frac{.5}{\lambda_x^2 - \lambda_n^2}\Big)\bigg), where:
\sigma equals one's probability of dying,
\lambda_x equals one's level of fame translated to a numeric quantity (i.e., A-list = 1, B-list = 2, and so on), and
\lambda_n equals the level of fame in a numeric quantity of any given person in the vicinity.

edit Demonstration

For example, let's determine the likelihood of death of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is an A-list star, and thus \lambda_x = 1. Let's assume she is traveling with three companions; Dr. Phil, a B-list star; Sophia, a C-list star; and Codeine, a G-list star. Their \lambda_n values are \lambda_1 = 2, \lambda_2 = 3, and \lambda_3 = 7. Squaring our \lambda values gives us \lambda_x^2 = 1, \lambda_1^2 = 4, \lambda_2^2 = 9, and \lambda_3^2 = 49.

By inputting these values, we receive:
\sigma = \frac{.8}{1}-\bigg(\Big(\frac{.5}{-3} \Big)+\Big(\frac{.5}{-8}\Big)+\Big(\frac{.5}{-48}\Big)\bigg) = .8 -\bigg(\Big(-.1667 \Big)+\Big(-.0625 \Big)+\Big(-.0104 \Big)\bigg) = .8 - (-.2396) = 1.0396
Therefore, were Oprah to get into a crash while in a car with Dr. Phil, Sophia, and Codeine, no matter how minor it may be, she will be killed.

Inversely, if we were to determine Codeine's odds of dying:
\sigma = \frac{.8}{49}-\bigg(\Big(\frac{.5}{48} \Big)+\Big(\frac{.5}{45}\Big)+\Big(\frac{.5}{40}\Big)\bigg) = .0163 -\bigg(\Big(.0104 \Big)+\Big(.0111 \Big)+\Big(.0125 \Big)\bigg) = .0163 - .034 = -.0177.
Therefore, if involved in an accident with Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Sophia, Codeine will actually become healthier.

edit Exemptions

While, in general terms, the Useless Survivor Syndrome is accurate, there are some minor exemptions.

edit Equal Fame Exemption

A notable peculiarity of this rule is that if two celebrities of equal fame were to travel together, they will not be harmed; this is due to the quirks of division by zero. Were Oprah to travel with Brad Pitt, who is also an A-list celebrity, no harm can come to either of them; their fame cancels each other out:
\bigg(\frac{.5}{1 - 1}\bigg) = \bigg(oh\ fuck\ me,\ did\ I\ just\ divide\ by\ zero?\bigg).

edit "Fucking Who?"

In certain instances, the formula does not apply. When dealing with people of irrelevant fame:
\sigma = \frac{.8}{81}-\bigg(nobody\ gives\ a\ shit\bigg)

edit Real-life Applications

The real-life implications of the Useless Survivor Syndrome is easily seen in any celebrity crash.

edit February 3, 1959

A plane crashes in Clear Lake, Iowa.

edit September 13, 1982

A car crashes in Monaco.

edit September 27, 1986

A tour bus crashes in Sweden.

edit August 31, 1997

A limo crashes in Paris, France.

edit August 25, 2001

A plane crashes in the Bahamas.

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