User:Conniving/Pokémon

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Welcome. This is a test page (for improving my wiki skills) using the Pokémon page as a base. Look away.

Pokémon (ポケモン) is multi-billion dollar franchise owned by the Nintendo corporation.


edit Pokémon Red

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the Japanese but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

The story takes place in the far-off world of Japan Kanto, a region where eleven-year olds are free to run free without curfew, the wild creatures that mean to devour the humans on their day-to-day strolls are seen as the villagers' best friends, and a far more experienced and intelligent NPC than you will ever be will trade you the one and only Jynx for a common Poliwhirl.

The player assumes the role of one of the aforementioned 11-year olds, who is faced with the desire to live his/her dreams, see the world, meet new friends, and become champion of the planet. In actuality, their mom is kicking them out. With no money, no food, and no knowledge outside of the four-building town, the player gets stopped by the town drunk a self-proclaimed famous scientist. The player is given exactly what they need to live off of for the rest of their lives, a level 5 creature, a fancy iPod, a few bright-red and white Poké Balls, and not a single cent. When the player asks the old man why exactly he is so cheap, the only response he has is "That's life", then sics his grandson upon the player in a Pokémon battle to the death.

Unfortunately, the no doubt groundshattering battle between your and your new rival's level 5 Pokémon is, non-sarcastically, groundshattering. The lab is destroyed, and both you and your new rival find yourselves running headlong for the next town. The rest of your in-game character's life is spent collecting money from various tasks in order to pay off your debts to the old geezer. Such tasks involve delivering parcels, capturing new Pokémon, battling trainers, using your partner to extort half the money said enemy trainer is holding if you win, trading with other trainers to get the best deal, underage gambling, bounty hunting of violent and murderous criminals and other completely moral activities common to kids living in that universe.

But screw the drunk, you're spending that money on a fine set of wheels and a swell Magikarp.


edit Pokémon Blue

But where to go from there? After fighting off all the savage level 2 Pidgeys and leveling whatever Pokémon you chose about 7 times in fifteen minutes, you would find Viridian City. Considering the 100-foot walk three-mile trek, one can see why a star track runner small kid such as yourself needed a Pokémon for protection from the Pidgeys that wanted nothing more but to get as far away from you as possible to kick sand in your eyes and peck them out. But now that it's over and done with, what is there to do in Viridian City? You can buy used Poké Balls, the cheap variety that are good for catching nothing but Caterpie. Or you can head to the Pokémon Center and get yer partner healed up, all the while having the nurse not question why the hell an 11-year old is all by himself. Oh i'm sorry, you said you're really a girl? Too bad. You don't get to play as a girl until Crystal Version, and that's years later.

After passing through to the town after that, pwning the local gym leader, and shaking down a bunch of youngsters and lasses for a grand total of two bucks, you stumble across a spooky cave. For some reason or another, this cave is infested by the mafia Team Rocket underlings, complete with ridiculous black outfits, poor eyesight, and - you guessed it - a talking Meowth.

Being big, strong, grown men does not give them the brains to skip the battle and carry you off (or at least team up when their teammate is standing right next to them), so the player pwns them with ease. This gains the undying revenge-seeking... um... anger... of Team Rocket for the rest of the game, and it turns out they're everywhere. Calling the local police does nothing, as all they will do is say some dumb line about how their city is the most beautiful in the world, then just stand there.

Needless to say, it is up to the player to take down the menacing organization once and for all. Hopefully you brought your Charizard. If you don't have one, shake down the coolest kid in your class to trade you one. They'll understand after you tell them it's for Team Rocket. And by understand, they'll challenge you to a link battle, as no one wants to give up their most powerful Pocket Monster to someone who will just give them to Team Rocket. After cheating your way through the eighth Gym with your new Charizard and beating Team Rocket's leader The Don, it's time to prove to the world that you triumph over all. You triumphed over the region's scrappiest. You triumphed over evil itself! You triumphed over a giant blue teddy bear that was in your way! And now, to triumph over the Elite Four themselves and become the strongest Trainer on the planet!

But first, you just have to triumph over the RPG-standard endgame dungeon, Victory Road. The Pokémon DEV Team was going to skip it, but it seems that the UN made it mandatory for RPGs like it to have annoying, excruciatingly long mazes.

Fuck this, let's play Yellow Version.

edit Pokémon: Special Pikachu Edition

So you've decided that you can't be arsed to search for a Pikachu in a bug-ridden forest all day. Not a problem! Just pop in a copy of Pokémon: Special Pikachu Edition (or Yellow Version). Now YOU can emulate your favorite TV superstar Ash and have your very own Pikachu follow you around! You can deliver jump kicks, go surfing, and fly amongst the clouds with balloons strapped to your back!

All that and more, once you get the dang thing to like you. Why do you think Pikachu won't get in its ball? Hours of fun can be spent begging and pleading for it to actually smile when you talk to it.

((Will finish. It's hard to remember what else there was to Yellow Version, I haven't played it in years.))

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