User:Composure1

Articles I have written for UnNews

JULY, 2011

• 213. Christian Radio's "Carmageddon" prediction fails to materialize
• 212. Obama proposes monetization of peas to pay off national debt
• 211. Casey Anthony wins prestigious OJ Simpson award
• 210. Strauss-Kahn charges reduced from rape to douchebaggery

NOVEMBER, 2010

• 209. Wikileaks shocker about Obama's birthplace

MAY, 2009

• 208. Nuclear blast fails to settle Kim Jong Il's hair

APRIL, 2009

• 207. U.S. Government sends Chris Redfield to battle swine flu in Mexico
• 206. Obama called anti-American for selecting Portuguese water dog
• 205. Obama vows to hunt down Easter Bunny; find eggs

MARCH, 2009

• 204. God declares Fargo a test area for disasters as blizzard hits
• 203. Obama's speech reassures Americans about NCAA brackets
• 202. Space Shuttle launches after duct tape fix
• 201. Obama overturns Bush stem cell policy; plans clone of himself
• 200. Recession now affecting time itself; one hour lost Sunday

SEPTEMBER, 2008

• 199. Weather Service Issues Hannah Montana warning for the southeastern US

JUNE, 2008

• 198. Playground pals Bill & Barack on speaking terms again
• 197. Zimbabwe's Mugabe claims to have won the Euro 2008 championship
• 196. Federal Reserve holds interest rates low until chairman pays off loans
• 195. Supreme Court approves death penalty for jaywalking
• 194. Zimbabwe's Mugabe declares the Netherlands "archenemy number one"
• 193. Anthropologists encounter America's only Euro soccer fan

MARCH, 2008

• 192. Bush disappointed South America no longer on brink of war
• 191. Medvedev feigns surprise after election victory in Russia

FEBRUARY, 2008

• 190. Nader decides to spoil the elections again
• 189. Fidel Castro finally admits he is dead
• 188. Bush travels to Africa in search of country to invade
• 187. Government confirms existence of "Area 7" for aliens in Guantanamo
• 186. Journalists discover Republican Alan Keyes is running for president
• 185. CNN's Situation Room overwhelmed on Super Tuesday; Blitzer hospitalized
• 184. UnNews officially endorses Mike Gravel for president
• 183. Microsoft to buy Yoohoo chocolate drink company

JANUARY, 2008

• 182. Edwards quit campaign just to watch season premiere of Lost
• 181. Giuliani declares victory in Florida despite huge loss
• 180. Mexican delegation sent to Gaza for border-crossing study
• 179. Giuliani revamps strategy to focus just on Miami-Dade County
• 178. Tearful Hillary Clinton loses Miss South Carolina pageant
• 177. Federal Reserve burns Vegas casino money in emergency move
• 176. CNN wins New Hampshire Primary, narrowly beating Fox News

NOVEMBER, 2007

• 175. CNN apologizes for allowing debate question from Giuliani in drag
• 174. Kasparov jailed for beating Putin at chess
• 173. White shoppers turned away from Black Friday deals
• 172. Bush breaks tradition, doesn't pardon Thanksgiving turkey
• 171. Media rekindles Natalee Holloway investigation

SEPTEMBER, 2007

• 170. Simpson proclaims innocence, vows to find "the real burglar"
• 169. Putin's surprise nomination shocks Indonesia
• 168. Osama bin Laden to release next video exclusively on Blu-ray DVD
• 167. Subprime mortgage woes hit Wikipedia, article count drops below 1 million
• 166. Senator Larry Craig changes mind about resignation, sexual orientation
• 165. Study finds that Bush failed to meet 11 of 18 mental development benchmarks
• 164. Osama Bin Laden makes surprise visit to the United States

AUGUST, 2007

• 163. Thompson to announce press conference about another press conference
• 162. Dean Hurricane threatens rowdy frat boys in Cancun
• 161. Giuliani supports Barack Obama for President
• 160. Minneapolis bridge collapse foils terrorist plan to blow up same bridge

JULY, 2007

• 159. Soccer victory proves Iraq strategy is working, says Bush

JUNE, 2007

• 158. White House claims cyberterrorists attacked its e-mail servers

MAY, 2007

• 157. Dr. Kevorkian to be released from prison, sent to help Iraqi suicide bombers
• 156. Thinking the "T" stand for "tree", Bush gives NATO chief a ranch tour
• 155. Fat president is Iraq's last unresolved problem
• 154. Rapture! Rev. Jerry Falwell taken to heaven, everyone else left behind
• 153. White Star steamer Empress of the North sinks
• 152. Bush confused at 400th anniversary of Jamestown founding
• 151. Cheney visits Hell to shore up support for Iraq war
• 150. President Bush hosts Texas-style barbecue for British Queen
• 149. Chavez threatens to take over Venezuelans' living rooms
• 148. Vetoing Congressional funding bill, Bush launches telethon to raise money for Iraq

APRIL, 2007

• 147. Al Qaeda trying to recruit truck driver from California highway collapse
• 146. McCain announces bid to become the next American Idol
• 145. Mogadishu now tops list of "Best Cities to Live in for Warlords"
• 144. Vodka industry in turmoil following Yeltsin's death
• 143. Americans have high hopes for Sunni Ghetto in Baghdad
• 142. New Jersey Governor's car crash caused by 88mph time-travel attempt

MARCH, 2007

• 141. Bush awards Presidential Medal of Freedom to Scooter Libby
• 140. Vice President Dick Cheney personally experiences Walter Reed problems
• 139. Bush declares martial law after interpreting lunar eclipse as bad omen
• 138. World War III begins as Switzerland invades Liechtenstein; US Army Secretary resigns

FEBRUARY, 2007

• 137. Epic film "Anna Nicole's Trials" makes Oscar sweep with nine wins
• 136. Al Gore poised to win Oscar for "Best Vice President in a Movie"
• 135. Britney Spears desperately tries to take media spotlight away from Anna Nicole
• 134. Three climbers and dog rescued from stranded JetBlue plane
• 133. DNA tests reveal that I am Anna Nicole's baby's father
• 132. Hackers briefly overwhelm three key porn servers
• 131. Grizzly bear mauls colt in post-Superbowl revenge killing
• 130. Senator Biden regrets calling Obama "clean," now refers to him as "dirty"

JANUARY, 2007

• 129. Chavez makes yet another beyond-the-grave visit to Castro
• 128. John Kerry euthanized after political setbacks
• 127. President Bush plans to hire Jack Bauer for terrorism fight
• 126. Obama launches campaign for President of Cuba
• 125. House increases maximum wage from 515 to 725 million dollars per year
• 124. Apple unveils new device - the "rotary phone"
• 123. Bush takes cue from Chavez; vows to nationalize media
• 122. Saddam's tomb found empty after 3 days; resurrected leader appears to followers

DECEMBER, 2006

• 121. World nervously awaits impact of Y2.007K computer problem
• 120. James Brown's body mistakenly switched for Gerald Ford's at Apollo Viewing
• 119. World's oldest man, Jesus Christ, celebrates 2009th birthday
• 118. UN Security Council imposes sanctions on North Pole
• 117. Bush to send more troops to St. Helens in effort to appease Volcano God
• 116. NBA violence at highest level as new Defense Secretary sworn in
• 115. Brain surgery turns Senator Johnson from Democrat to Republican
• 114. Iran holds conference to debate the existence of women
• 113. Litvinenko investigators find polonium at North Pole; Santa implicated
• 112. Reports from NASA, Iraq study group, get mixed up
• 111. DefSec nominee Gates says America losing the War on Christmas
• 110. Castro misses military parade due to his death

NOVEMBER, 2006

• 109. UnNews unveils video news broadcasts
• 108. Iraqi PM postpones meeting with Bush to watch TV show
• 107. Xenu disappointed over Cruise-Holmes wedding
• 106. PS3 fans eagerly await OJ Simpson's new game "If You Did It"
• 105. Nancy Pelosi elected as first mute Speaker of the House
• 104. UnNews to merge with UN News
• 103. NASA chief Michael Griffin resigns over handling of Saturn hurricane
• 102. Laura Bush jealous of President's lunch date with Nancy Pelosi
• 101. Nominated Secretary of Defense, Gates vows to use Windows for victory in Iraq
• 100. Britney divorce filing gives Republicans last-minute boost on election day
• 99. Leader of National Gay Alliance dismissed for heterosexual activity
• 98. Verdict looms in Saddam's trial for murder of Nicole Brown Simpson
• 97. Bush stops campaigning after realizing upcoming election is not for President
• 96. Recruiters frustrated they can't hire Cheney, Rumsfeld

OCTOBER, 2006

• 95. Bush mistakes military hospital for Halloween haunted house
• 94. US terror alert raised to orange after extra hour is smuggled into country
• 93. After Cheney-administered water boarding, Iraqi PM backs timetable
• 92. Bush holds press conference on deteriorating situation in New Jersey
• 91. US Border Patrol ready to catch 300 millionth immigrant
• 90. Bush declares war on Yankees after pitcher flies plane into building
• 89. Kim Jong Il's suspected Duke Nukem deathmatch was actually in Quake
• 88. John Mark Karr confesses to hacking Foley's screenname, IMing pages

SEPTEMBER, 2006

• 87. Al-Qaida Inc. expanding, now recruiting scientists
• 86. Investigators zero in on Osama Bin Spinach
• 85. US to allow Coca-Cola on planes after deal with company, terrorists
• 84. US sends Venezuelan Foreign Minister to Guantanamo
• 83. Cosmonaut's flatulence sparks alarm on space station
• 82. Popeye in critical condition from E. coli in spinach
• 81. Pope slanders Jews to appease Muslims after call for Crusade
• 80. Bobby Brown goes on Montreal shooting rampage after Houston divorce filing
• 79. September 12 jealous of September 11's fame
• 78. Senate report concludes Saddam had no al-Gayda links after all
• 77. Bush acknowledges secret CIA prisons, low IQ level
• 76. Bush picks Samuel L. Jackson as new transportation secretary
• 75. Transfer of Abu Ghraib prison to Iraqis starts "New Era of Torture"

AUGUST, 2006

• 74. Stolen copy of Craven's "Scream" film recovered by police
• 73. John Mark Karr wins Emmy for best actor in a crime drama
• 72. "Ernest Goes to Haiti" to be released in theatres this week
• 71. Iran defies IAU, maintains that Pluto is a planet
• 70. Paramount drops Tom Cruise after actor's confession
• 69. Iran agrees to have "talk" with girlfriend America
• 68. Bush admits Iraq war is straining nation's psychics
• 67. JonBenet suspect rates airline food
• 66. Sharon In Stable Condition After Dip In Copperfield's Fountain of Youth
• 65. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Enjoys Weekend at Fidel's
• 64. NewTextCompressionAlgorithmInvented
• 63. Snakes Banned From Carry-On Luggage on Planes
• 62. Middle East "World of War" Server to Undergo Maintenance at 7am Monday
• 61. Britain Foils Toothpaste Smuggling Terrorist Plot
• 60. Halliburton Shuts Down Pipeline in Bush's Brain
• 59. AOL Discloses Searches Of All Two Subscribers

JUNE, 2006

• 58. Hamas Pays Palestinian Workers With Monopoly Money
• 57. God Disappointed in Jesus' Father's Day Gift
• 56. Baghdad Overwhelmed with Flowers for Liberators
• 55. Bush Makes Surprise Visit To White House
• 54. US Develops Vaccine For World Cup Fever
• 53. Slashdot.org "Slashdotted," Crashing Servers
• 52. Campaigns For al-Qaida Presidential Elections Heat Up
• 51. Iran Vows To "Wipe Mexico Off The Map" After Soccer Defeat
• 50. National Gay Marriage Threat Level Raised to "Flamboyant"
• 49. EU Secret Prison Investigators Sent to Secret European Prisons

MAY, 2006

• 48. Iraqi WMDs Hidden With Hoffa's Body, Government Claims
• 47. Barbaro Walters Emerges From Full Day of Surgery
• 46. New Orleans Election To Decide City Flavor: Vanilla or Chocolate
• 45. "Fray at Gitmo Bay" Boxing Match Declared A Huge Success
• 44. TV Networks To Cancel "President Bush's Speeches" After This Season
• 43. Bush to Deploy National Guard at Canadian Border
• 42. Orphans Across the Country Mark a Somber Mother's Day
• 41. Stavros Niarchos Checks Out Of Paris Hilton Hotel
• 40. Millions of Immigrants Celebrate New Month's
• 39. Rebels Reject Darfur Peace Deal; Sudanese Empire Threatens With Death Starve

APRIL, 2006

• 38. Amtrak Future Uncertain; Could Be Replaced by Steam Engines
• 37. Phil Spector's Murder Trial Delayed For Haircut
• 36. Fox News To Replace White House Press Secretary
• 35. Bush's Approval Rating Falls Below Zero
• 34. Latest Bin Laden Tape Depicts Perverted Acts
• 33. John Kerry Debating Himself On Whether To Run In 2008
• 32. Duke Nukem Forever Delay Postpones Iraqi Parliament Session
• 31. Bush Confused As To Who is Visiting White House
• 30. U.S. May Ask IKEA to Sanction Iran
• 29. Bubonic Plague Strikes LA, Wikis; Bush Cuts Vacation Short
• 28. McClellan Dodges Questions on McClellan Resignation
• 27. Katie Holmes Gives Birth to Reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
• 26. Google Admits to Censoring Uncyclopedia
• 25. San Francisco Marks Godzilla Attack Centennial
• 24. Times-Picayune, Sun Herald, UnNews Win Pulitzer
• 23. Buddy Holly's Watch, Grillz, Sold At Auction
• 22. Tragedy At Easter Egg Hunt As Cheney Shoots Easter Bunny
• 21. You Are Reading This Headline; About To Click On It
• 20. New Suspect, Known Only as "V" Arrested in Holloway Case
• 19. Easter Bunny Celebrates 1976th Birthday
• 18. UnNews Announces Morse Code RSS Feed
• 17. Palestinians Storm Hamas HQ, Demand Hummus
• 16. NYC Rat Finally Rescued After 14 Days
• 15. Pope Gets Lost at Way of the Cross Procession
• 14. Last Minute Tax Tips From UnNews
• 13. Bonds' Steroids Turn Jury Into Grand Jury
• 12. Scientists Release New Venus Images; Serena pics coming soon
• 11. Danube River at Record Levels; Dykes, Gays Still Holding
• 10. Delta pilots picnic outside headquarters as strike looms
• 9. Mystery Speaker to Convene Iraqi Parliament
• 8. General Pace, Captain Morgan defend Rumsfeld
• 7. 10th planet larger than Pluto, but smaller than Lassie
• 6. Man wins $9 million Vioxx lottery
• 5. Iran enriches uranium, impoverishes carbon
• 4. Emigrant rally draws 3 people
• 3. Enron's Skilling bribes jury - claims wallet doesn't fit
• 2. Governator declares emergency ;vows to go back in time to stop flood, girly-men
• 1. Italian election too close to call as Florida tally disputed

Articles I have written for Uncyclopedia

• 7. The Watch Men
• 6. Moose-Robot War of 1819
• 5. UnBooks:Lil Red Ridin in da Hood
• 4. Franz Ferdinand
• 3. Benson's 4-D House Of Pancakes
• 2. Please delete this page
• 1. Jesus Christos

Awards

Knight Commander of the Order

Foolitzer Prize Winner February 2008 Foolitzer Prize Winner April 2006

E G A E D M The Emmanuel Goldstein Award May 2007