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Jesus Christos
Uncyc jesus thumb
Jesus Christos in its native habitat
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Chordata
Class Mammalia
Order Immortalia
Family Deity
Genus Iesu
Species Christi
Binomial name
Jesusitos Christosokos
Primary armament holy water
Secondary armament communion wafers
Power supply Divine light
Health 100
Mana 90
Strength infinite
Intelligence 130
Weight 160
Length 6'2
Special attack crown of thorns power slash
Conservation status

Jesus Christos (Iesu Christi) is an extinct mammal in the Deity family, native to the arid deserts of Judea. Only one Jesus Christos is known to have ever lived, and it became extinct around 2000 years ago due to human poaching. The study of this animal is known as Christianity.

Uncyc jesus sheep

A particularly ferocious Jesus Christos about to devour its favorite food - sheep.

edit Description

The Jesus Christos is similar in appearance to humans, although it is typically taller, and posesses a fuller beard, as well as long, flowing hair. It usually dresses in a white toga, and has a visible halo around its head. The fossil record suggests Jesus Christos had strong bones and legs and was capable of walking long distances - even on water. Biologists argue about the pigmentation of its skin, with some claiming it to be white, while others suggest a darker tone - in line with other species from his native habitat.

edit Habitat & Diet

The Jesus Christos prefers a desert climate and is quite adept at foraging for food there. It enjoys red wine, and even has the ability to transform water into wine when necessary. Its slow metabolism is able to efficently process a loaf of bread so that it provides 50 times as much energy as it would to a human. Jesus Christos is known to have inhabited what is modern-day Israel, as well as portions of Jordan and the Sinai peninsula. Lake Galilee was its primary water source. It is an omnivore, and has particular taste for sheep.

Uncyc mary preg

This unlucky woman is infested with the parisitic form of the Holy Spirit, soon to give birth to a Jesus Christos.

edit Behavior

Jesus Christos is unique in that it alternates between being a solitary and and a group animal. It can spend weeks alone in the desert, but also enjoys traveling with a multitude of companions. It is nomadic in nature, rarely staying in the same area for long. It is very peaceful in nature, although can get quite violent when angered, especially if money-changers encroach on its territory. If attacked first, however, it'll feign death and turn the other cheek. When asleep, it is no easily roused; one anecdote mentions a Jesus Christos sleeping through a fierce storm at sea.

edit Reproduction

The Jesus Christos, being a member of the Deity family, has a sophisticated life cycle consisting of three stages: God, Man, and Spirit. In the first stage, it exists as the eternal and omnipotent creator of the world. In adulthood, the Word becomes flesh, and lives among us on Earth. This stage lasts about thirty three years, at which time Jesus Christos turns into a Holy Spirit. Some evolutionary biologists theorize that eventually the Spirit transforms back into Man (in a process called rapture) and returns to Earth. This theory was first promulgated by the ancient biologist John in his treatise entitled "Revelations."

  * The transformation of God into Man takes place through impregnation.
  * The transformation of Man into Spirit takes place through crucifixion.
  * It is debated whether the Spirit will turn into God via magic or back into Man by rapture.
Uncyc jesus water

Jesus Christos has webbed feet, which allows the unique animal to walk on water.

edit Keeping as pets

Jesus Christos is a highly intelligent animal and may be kept as a pet, but as with other primates, it must be given constant attention. Its calm demeanor makes it suitable for play with children. There are some health concerns regarding Jesus Christos that owners must be aware of. In its Spirit form, the parasitic animal can infest women and cause an unwanted pregnancy. It can be distinguished from a normal pregnancy by the fact that it requires no sexual intercourse. One must also keep Jesus Christos away from sheep, which it could kill on sight.

Uncyc holy trinity

A diagram of the 3-stage lifecycle of the Jesus Christos. For clarity, the intermediate parasitic form between God and Man is not shown.

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