User:Colin "All your base" Heaney/5th Trimester Abortion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

< User:Colin "All your base" Heaney
Revision as of 09:42, December 11, 2010 by ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search

A 5th Trimester Abortion is, in principle, the same as the average, contemporary abortion (that is to say, the fetus or infant is mercifully anesthetized and, if done by a responsible abortion technician, recycled in some form or another). The key difference, however, is the period of time in which it's done. A 5th Trimester Abortion, as the title suggests, takes place within the 13th to 15th month after conception. This provides ample time for development to occur, allowing for maximum productivity with the carrier.

Sandwiched Baby

A man clearly savoring his deli cold-cuts, likely provided by his local abortion technician.

Methods and Practice

A practitioner of the 5th trimester abortion must, above all, be experienced in the many ways an abortion can be implemented. A few of the more common methods are listed below:

  • Antbortion
    • The strategic use of a colony of ants to consume the fetus from the inside, after which digestion occurs, and rich fertilizer results.
  • The Tailor's Special
    • A surgeon-like precision in the art of coathanger aborting.
  • Butcher Shopping
    • The tenderizing of the womb with a steel mallet, to make the fetal meat as palatable as possible for the local butcher to sell in its various cuts.

Preparations for a fine stew, courtesy of a recent 5th trimester abortionist.

Uses for a ripened fetii

Bw baby

A well developed specimen, on his way to the tannery to provide warmth to a pair of cold hands on a bracing winter day!

A ripened fetii's uses are only limited by the imagination of the abortion practitioner, and the skill of which he implements his ideas. The softness and comfort of a pair of fine leather gloves would be unrivaled, when using as supple a material as the hide from a fetal bottom! What finer, more tender meat could be stewed than that from the breast of the newborn? If none of this is a viable option, whether the epidermis be too rough, or the meat too tough, write a complaint to the local abortion doctor on your brand new parchment, milled from the hides of the skimpiest of fetii!

Benefits to Patience

80% of abortions are performed within the first three months. While this provides the maximum comfort and convenience to the carrier, and reduces the chances of forgetting to have the abortion, it is also a very wasteful practice. By reducing the time spent in the womb, the carrier is reducing the potential of the product. Fetii are not unlike an apple on a tree; one must wait until the correct moment to pluck it from its stem to achieve maximum ripeness, not letting a single drop of it's juiciness and flavour go to waste. Without this patience exerted by a select few, most fetii would merely be able to be made into condoms, being far too small to be useful in any other way.

Personal tools