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edit UnBooks:An Uncyclopedian Christmas Tale II - An Uncyclopedian Nativity

Dramatis Personae
MARY, a virgin - Olipro
JOSEPH, a carpenter and husband to MARY - Mhaille
JESUS, king of the Jews - Zombiebaron
THREE WISE WOMEN, queens from the East - Tayor,
INNKEEPER, proprietor of the Яed Star Hostel, Bethlehem - Tom mayfair
SHEPHERDS, farm workers and occasional zoophiles - Modusoperandi,
Rabbi Techno
HEROD, King of Judea and Roman sockpuppet - Mordillo
GOD, an angry, Middle-Eastern Divinity - Chronarion
GABRIEL, an Archangel and messenger of GOD - Codeine
URIEL, an Archangel and wielder of the flam'd sword - Flammable
RAMIEL, an Archangel and bringer of compassion - RAHB
DONKEY, bearing MARY and JOSEPH to Bethlehem - TheLedBalloon

edit Act 1 Scene 1

Nazareth, 4 B.C. It is a warm and sunny day. Like every day in Judea really, except when it rains. Which isn't often. Anyway, Mary, a peasant woman of Judea is enthusiastically milking a goat in her back garden when Gabriel, an angel of the Lord appears before her in a blinding flash of light.

Gabriel: Hail to thee Mary, who art blessed among all women!

Mary: AAAAGGH! Who said that? Who's there? I've got a rape alarm! I know Kung Fu!

Gabriel: I am Gabriel, Messenger of God, Ruler of the Cherubim and Seraphim, Archangel of...

Mary (interrupting him): Oh, I see. Well, whatever you're selling, we don't want it. We've got plenty of cherry-things and Serbians already thank you, bye.

Gabriel: Uhhh... I'm not sure you understand, madam...

Mary: Oh I understand just fine, young man! Fifty shekels some encyclopedia salesman tried to bilk me out of only yesterday, and now you come round here, flashing innocent virgins and talking of your angelic this, that and the other! You're lucky my husband isn't at home...

Gabriel (exasperated): Look lady, I'm not selling anything! I bring tidings of great joy from God Almighty!

Mary: Bloody Jehovah's Witnesses! That's all I need! Clear off, go on!

Gabriel (in a low voice, looking up into the sky): You're sure this is the one?

From the heavens, a single word rings out: YES.

Gabriel: ...'K. You're the boss, boss. (Turning back to Mary) Just listen to me for one minute. You, Mary, have been chosen to be mother to the Son of God! In nine months, you shall give birth...

Mary: EEEEK! I knew you were going to try and rape me! I've got a gun! Stay back! I'll set my goat on you!

Gabriel: Jesus fucking Christ, woman! You're already pregnant! With Him!

Mary: Eh? But... I'm still a virgin. I mean, it's not really Joseph's fault, he's been under a lot of stress at work recently and everything, and then there's the goat to milk and the corn to pick and....

Gabriel: For the love of... Look. You don't need to worry about any of that. You are now pregnant with the son of God, and you shall call him Jesus, and lo, he shall bring great bles-

Mary: Oh my God! PREGNANT! Was this from that toilet seat at the market? I knew those things were unhygenic!

Gabriel: What? No! God just...uh... willed you to be pregnant, I guess

Mary: And is he going to will me child support payments every month? My mother warned me about non-corporeal beings like him when I was a girl! And now here I am, the victim of divine rape! Ohh, I feel so used! And how am I going to tell Joseph?

She bursts into tears

Gabriel: Hey, it's alright... This is great news! Don't you understand, you're set for life? Mother of Christ? The talk show royalties alone will run into the hundreds of thousands! You'll be a star!

Mary: You really think so?

Gabriel: For sure! "Virgin gives birth to Messiah"? That's a tabloid dream headline right there! You'll be bigger than The Beatles!

Mary: And then I could make an album, and maybe get a part in some movie, and...

Gabriel: Yes, yes. But for now, let's concentrate on the pregnancy, OK? I'll be back in a few months to check on you; meanwhile, you tell your husband. See you later!

He disappears in a brilliant white light

Mary: Joseph! Oh dear, how can I ever explain to him he's been cockblocked by God?

edit Act 1, Scene 2: Later that evening

Exterior, hillside. Several sheep herding guys are standing on a hill looking at the night sky. After a few hours they lose interest and go back to their sheep. Cut to:

Interior, Joseph and Mary's house in Nazareth. Joseph enters.

Joseph: Hi Honey, I'm home....... (canned laughter)

Mary: Oh, hello darling. How was your day?

Joseph: Ah, same old same old... hammer this, bang that, screw this... Sometimes I feel like the Whore of Babylon, I tell you. Oh, and more tedious news; we've got to go to Bethlehem in December to pay some stupid Roman tax. At Christmas, as well! You know what the transport's going to be like at that time of year. Anyway, listen to me going on... How was your day, my bride?

Mary (attempting nonchalance): Oh the usual, you know... went to the market, milked the goat, got informed that I'm carrying the perfect and holy child of God by one of His angels... A typical Thursday really.

Joseph: WHAT?! While I'm out slaving over a hot chisel, you're tarting yourself out to anyone with a white beard and a thunderbolt who comes along! It's just like Sodom and Gomorrah all over agin...

Mary: No really, it's not like that Joe... I'm still a virgin, honest! It was one of those "Inaccurate Complexion" thingies or something, the angel said... He said I could be on "Montel"...

Joseph: Hmm, son of God, eh? Well, I guess it could be good for business... "Authentic Side cabinets built by the Messiah While-U-Wait"...

Mary: Exactly! And like I said, I'm still technically a virgin, so how's about we get down to some serious begatting in the meanwhile, you big old Galillean hunk you?

Exeunt (and believe me, you don't want to see what happened next.)

edit Interlude

Backstage. All manner of cast and crew are dashing round frantically, whilst Mhaille is resticking a false beard and scrubbing at his crotch.

Mhaille: Ugh, I can't believe I let them talk me into this... (to Olipro) And the scene was over, man did you really have to...

Olipro (unapologetic): Yes. Yes, I did. I told you, it's like a mental affliction. Like Tourette's... but messier.

Zombiebaron walks up. He is wearing a nappy and has a halo attached to his head.

Zombiebaron: This is fucking humiliating. And to make matters worse, have you heard how he wants us to do the birth scene?

Olipro: Well, of course. Who do you think suggested it? Now lube up, we need to get you safely ensconsed in there before act four. There's plenty of room, you should be quite comfortable.

Zombiebaron: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I just hope my mother isn't in the audience.

edit Act 1 Scene 3: Nine Months Later

On the road between Nazareth and Bethlehem, Joseph and a heavily pregnant Mary balance precariously on the shaking back of an exhausted donkey.

Mary: Ow, ow, OW! Honestly Joseph, a fucking donkey? Why couldn't we have caught the train like normal people? We could be in First Class now, with a nice bottle of wine and some pillows.. is this any way to treat your pregnant wife?

Donkey: For what it's worth, it's no picnic for me either, love. I'm a donkey, not an SUV!

Joseph: Look, we're nearly there now. Quit whining,the pair of you. (to donkey) And how come you can talk?

Donkey: It's a contractual thing... since Shrek, donkeys have a lot more negotiating power. You'd be surprised.

Presently, they arrive at the city. Although evening is setting in, the streets are still crowded with last minute christmas shoppers and revellers

Mary: Oh look Joseph, it is nice though... they've even got the Christmas lights up and everything!

Joseph: Yeah, it's not a bad old town... the football rivalry with Gallilee FC can get a bit out of hand sometimes, though.

They plod through the streets, eventually stopping outside the Яed Star Hostel, an austere but highly socialist looking establishment.

Joseph: This looks like a good place... affordable, and not too trashy like the Paris Hilton or anything. Come on.

Mary (struggling down off the donkey): Well, I can't say I'm too keen on the communist architecture, but fine. This thing's about to pop anyway, so let's just get a room before my waters break.

They step into the lobby, where a portrait of Stalin glares down from the wall at them. A large red flag hangs behind the reception desk, upon which is leaning a bored looking innkeeper.

Innkeeper (twiddling his beard and speaking with a heavy Russian/Kentucky accent): Greetings comrades, and welcome to the Яed Star Hostel, Judea's first establishment яun by the people and for the people! A fine day for яevolution, eh? How may I assist you?

Joseph: Uh, yeah. Hi. We're looking for a room for two or three nights, just while this Roman census thing is happening. Preferably en-suite, and possibly with a crib as well, just in case she... (he makes a crude gesture vaguely symbolic of giving birth)

Innkeeper: Ah. Many apologies, comrades, but all яooms are full. Please иot to think this is capitalist bourgeoise hotel; all are welcome, but there's simply иot enough space, due to Яoman census coinciding with decadent western holiday of Christmas. Advance booking is always яecommended to avoid disappointment.

Joseph: Oh no! Really? We're in a bit of a desperate situation here though, our donkey's half dead from the journey, and at any minute she could- (he is interrupted by a loud sploshing sound from behind)

Mary: Ooooh Joe! Me waters! (To Innkeeper) Sorry about your carpet!

Innkeeper: Is alright. I call maid, she will clean carpet. It breaks my poor яed heart to turn away comrades in иeed... I have a stable яound the back. It's the best I can offer, but at least it's warm and dry; and I'll throw in free use of the squash court and swimming pool as well. And some spare towels. Will that do?

Mary: A stable? Fucking hell Joe, this is not how I imagined my- (she is struck by a contraction) Ow, ow, OW!

Joseph (quickly): That sounds great. Very kind. We'll take it.

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