From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- "Baghdad" redirects here. The city has been renamed "Baghmom" in order to humiliate the enemy. We decided to keep the new name and feminize the city in order to soften the insurgency and the Iraqi people.
When we did, we saw that women didn't have a lot of rights under Saddam's rule, so we fired all the men from civil (city-related jobs), and replaced them with willing women. All the hardened militants and loyalists formerly under Saddam needed "softening", so we had to feminize the city.
To start off, all signs that said "BAGHDAD" were replaced with "Baghmom" and all damaged buildings, after completing repairs, were painted with feminine colors (lavender, pink, etc.. etc...)
To further feminize the city, the Coalition offered each household $100 per resident, doubled successively (so $200 for a household with two inhabitants, $400 for three inhabitants, $800 for four, and so on), for painting their houses with girly paint. This was as much as several months' wages for an average worker, so 99.999% of all
Baghdad's Baghmom's inhabitants were more than happy to accept!
There are now "Miss Iraq" contests every month. The winner wins the usual prizes (of cash, new homes, etc...) plus the construction and commemoration of a statue of herself at where statues of Saddam used to stand. Ever since, statues of attractive female models have been popping up once a month, all over town, for all men to admire.
Insurgent-softening in Baghmom
Public service announcements called "Discouragement Billboards" have been placed all over the city that shows attractive women, along with emotion-softening objects like hearts, flowers, and children.
The slogans on these billboards, that are meant to discourage insurgent attacks and suicide bombings, say things like
- "Your girlfriend, fiance, or wife has feelings too. Killing yourself and/or others will throw her into a deep depression."
- "Do you already have children? Did you originally plan to raise them? Sons and daughters want a daddy to play with. Give yourself a chance to watch them grow up and lead a peaceful life."
- "Without fathers, children have scarcer opportunities to receive a higher education. Ensure a bright future for your kids and do not go down the insurgent's path."
- "Women may bear bright children. Children may change the world forever so please save lives, not take them away."
- "These kids have their whole lives ahead of them. Ensure they live; they will grow up to make the world a better place.
Note- All of these billboards would of course have relevant photos on them.
These boards were put up by January 2004. Just 6 months later, insurgencies and violent crimes plummeted by 70%, while marriages and births have skyrocketed by approximately the same amount.
With this experiment a success, these public service announcements made their way to other forms of media.
On the radio, you could hear children giggling and narrarating what they want to do when they grow up (i.e. "When I grow up, I'm going to be a missionary and spread Islam to North Korea.") followed by an adult narrator's callout to would-be insurgents everywhere to put down their weapons, step away from their extreme ways, meet a future wife, and plan a family.
On TV, similar narrations are used, but also shown with children playing on playgrounds, before the scene switches to parents acting like model parents, ensuring their children eat healthy and study well. All this keeps helping Iraq become a less attractive nation for insurgents.
Insurgent-softening elsewhere in Iraq
After seeing the successes of the "Discouragement Billboards" program in
Baghdad Baghmom, other cities and towns all around Iraq followed suit. They have put up similar billboards and feministic programs all over the place, causing the insurgency to plummet nationwide.
The story of Alquid Al-Kurashy, an insurgent turned good
One notable would-be insurgent, Alquid Al-Kurashy, felt his heart-stone break apart, restoring a soft, childlike personality that has been deeply buried for too long. After reading enough of these billboards on his way to an insurgency mission, he broke down and cried incessantly, with images flashing in his head about children getting mutilated by suicide bomb attacks. He ran to surrender at a US convoy out on patrol, and asked for help in starting a family.
It just so happened that one of the soldiers in the convoy knew a female support personnel that was interested in bringing an Iraqi guy home, so after pairing Alquid up with Caytlin Treckenhof, they fell in love almost instantly. As they exchanged their life stories, he came to explaining how he was an insurgent, and what he was about to do when he had his life-saving second thought. The woman told him that he was smart for making the decision, because he would've had a 1% chance of survival had he gone to carry out the mission, and that "You'll be coming home safe with me now. We'll start a brand new life together, with you enjoying far more wealth than you've ever had before."
As she was leaving Iraq in 7 days, they both did just that, and now Alquid is happily engaged with Caytlin in her home state of Montana.