From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“There he goes, one of God's own prototypes, a high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live; too rare to die.”
Commander of the Order
edit The Post Creation Press Conference To Unveil Cheapinitreal
After Cheapinitreal's decent to Earth, mankind was beyond curious as to God's intentions, so the entity itself descended upon Dubtown, Iowa's Aragon Tap to hold a brief press conference and answer any questions regarding the creation of Cheapinitreal.
| The room is a ruckus with the clutter of reporters waiving their hands and shouting. One reporter is on the ground being trampled to death as God approaches the podium looking all godly as usual. He taps the mike and begins to speak.
God (dapper as ever in his crimson sports jacket and grass skirt): "Check, Check, Check. Alright kids, lets get this motherfucker started. Connie, baby, why don't you open up that sweet-ass trap of yours and make with the start of the questioning already?"
Connie Chung (surprisingly young, hot, naked, and extroriental): "Thank you your entitiness. I believe the question the entire world wants answered is why a new Angel of Rest, why now, and why in the form of Cheapinitreal?"
God (confused): "Do you just believe that's the question the entire world wants answered, or is that the question you want to ask?"
Connie Chung (amused and laughing): "That's the question I wanted to ask."
God (beginning to get angry): "Then ask it!"
Connie Chung (now frightened): "I thought I did."
God (seeming very smiteful): "No, you didn't. You don't start a question with the phrase "I believe". The entire time we've been talking I'm the only one to actually have asked a question. To think someone is paying you for this crap; no one cares what you believe bitch! Next question."
Geraldo Rivera (rocking his stylish molestasche): "G, G, G, how, when, and why did you create Cheapinitreal?"
God (relieved to be talking to a man): "Well, that's a great question Geraldo. To be honest with you, the Cold War had lost the amusement of its early pizazz, punk rock, which I had the utmost confidence in, quickly grew weary and repetitive, and not nearly enough women were wearing knee-high socks anymore. I was bored and thought the world needed a little more piss and vinegar in it, so on the 2,182,700th day, I was all like "let there be Cheapinitreal", and there was Cheap, and he was real."
Geraldo Rivera (smugly winking at Connie Chung): "Thank you, God."
God (starting to look sleepy); "Next and final question. You, the crazy looking bastard in the back, with the cigarette, Wild Turkey, safari helmet and pistol."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (paranoidly cocks the hammer on his pistol): "So ahh, can you tell me there, captain, it looks like you've created a powerful being here. What are you going to do if this cocksucker gets out of your control and what's the aim of this fucker, to kill the 1st Amendment?"
God (bewildered): "I assure you, Dr. Thompson, precautions have been taken for such an unlikely event, and last I checked there was no 1st Amendment to THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!"
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (aims his gun toward Ted Koppel): "So fascist, tell us about the fucking precautions man!"
God (confidently): "I have created a new species of creature and placed two on every continent on the planet. It is fierce and trained to seek out and kill Cheapinitreal on command as well as defend itself at all costs. I call it the Badgerinegoose."
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (confused, just after shooting Connie Chung for being too retarded to ask a question): "And what if that crazy sounding beast breaks your almighty hold?"
God (even more bewildered): "Press conference is over! Get these assholes out of here!"
God flees the stage quickly as the reporters are wrangled out the door. He returns to heaven hoping to never be forced to have to answer that question.
—Scene recorded by: Hunter S. Thompson circa. January, 13 1980
edit Effects On Hollywood, The Music Industry and Literature
The 1980's left Cheapinitreal with his work cut out for him. The cocaine scene had ravaged everything throughout the 70's (even the musi were doing blow). Having not appointed an Angel of Rest since the late 1930's, God had left Cheap a real fucking mess to lean up. Cheapinitreal would do what he could to salvage the decade, inspiring such works as: The Watchmen by Allan Moore (as well as all of Moore's proceeding work), Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners, Streets of Fire (both film and soundtrack), Disco Bloodbath by James St. James, and Appetite For Destruction by Guns 'n' Roses. He would thwart The Captain and Tennille, Mr. Belvedere, Tiffany, Alf, Different Strokes, Supertramp, and Charles in Charge, before they could gain too much momentum to be stopped.
Cheap had thought he had steered the creative wave in the right direction by the 90's and left most of the world to its own devices (much to God's dismay) in order to pursue his own pet projects. He took a great deal of interest in the music scene and left Hollywood to wallow in its own disgusting muck. Cheapinitreal helped give birth to masterpieces for established artists, such as The Real Thing by Faith No More, as well as, The Ponzi Scheme by Firewater before finding his diamond in the rough. Cheap came across a young axeman that could shred like Hendrix but had the creative capabilities of Daniel Steele; his name was Ignacius Powarkock.
Ignacius needed guidance and Cheapinitreal was there. Cheap's influence would lead Ignacius to further his studies, and in 1998, form Professor Powarkock and The Mighty Muff-Melters. The band's self titled debut album would go triple platinum, pleasing Cheap to no end, and would firmly put Ignacius on God's radar. Ignacius would be blessed with great fortune by God (thanks to Cheapinitreal) but Cheap's undeniable faith and attention given to Ignacius would ultimately end Powarkock's music career. While the Angel of Rest enjoyed the glory of his triumph, the world would rapidly change around him.
The millennium ushered in a new (so called) creative sound (reminiscent of a passive cat orgy filled with razor-wire condoms, glue, and broken glass). The scene swept the nation led by the self-proclaimed super group, SpineBucket. It all changed right before Cheapinitreal's beautiful hazel eyes. Professor Powarkock and The Mighty Muff-Melters soon broke up and were forgotten. Ignacius returned to school to teach, hunt big-game, and expand his horizons (never forgetting his mentor Cheapinitreal). The Mighty Muff-Melters then formed Dirty Brown Prison Shank. Their debut album, Blood On The Shower Room Floor, failed to sell more than ten-thousand copies (mostly to inmates). In 2002, a seriously shaken Cheapinitreal would find an unlikely mentor of his own, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (former Anti-Cheapist).
edit The Falling-Out With God And Chepinitreal's Response
God grew angry with his child for aligning himself with the good doctor. Hunter would teach Cheap about all the things he wanted to know about. He was a much better father than God ever was to Cheap, and God would not stand for it. After nearly three years of Dr. Thompson rebuilding Cheapinitreal's confidence, God put out a hit on Hunter, which was contracted to none other than Reapinitreal (Cheapinitreal's brother and the Angel of Death). On February 20, 2005, after a long day of target shooting, Hunter and Cheap sat down to roast a hooter and rest before bed. Reapinitreal lurked in the shadows waiting to pounce on his prey. As Hunter nodded off, the Angel of Death broke through the door, only to be met by a defensive Angel of Rest. The two brothers battled wildly one floor above the now sleeping doctor (gun ever present in his lap), thrashing wildly and tearing at each others' flesh. Reapinitreal, wounded, flew for the door as Thompson woke up and fired a wild shot. The Angel of Death would escape, but the ricochet would take Hunter's life. On God's orders the press declared it a suicide, but Cheap knew better. He would disown his father, and God would unleash the Badgerinegoose to kill him. Cheapinitreal would go on the O'Riley Factor to discuss the controversy.
| The smoke filled set of the O'Riley Factor is all a hush as Cheapinitreal arrives. He glides into the room, gently slapping a the ass of a foxy young intern named Jenn (now Cheapinitreal's wife). Cheap shakes Papa Bear's hand and takes a seat across from the legend.
Papa Bear (looking less grumpy than usual): "Well, viewers, we have a very special treat for you tonight. None other than Cheapinitreal, the Angel of Rest, has come by to discuss his recent falling out with God."
Cheap (handsome as a shaved polar bear): Hi Bill.
Papa Bear (strangely interested): "How are you doing tonight Cheap"
Cheap: "Well Bill, to be honest with you, I'm pissed off."
Papa Bear: "Why is that?"
Cheap: "God has killed and spread rumors about Hunter S. Thompson, a man I loved and respected, rather than help me save him."
Papa Bear (concerned): "What do you think of God now?
Cheap: "It's kind of like I'm living out a song I once wrote for Firewater. I don't believe in God 'cause he don't believe in me!
Papa Bear (confused): "What?
Cheap: "I said, I don't believe in God 'cause he don't believe in me.
Papa Bear (even more confused): What the fuck are you talking about?
Cheap (agitated): "It's like I've been saying, I don't believe in God 'cause he don't believe in me, oh, and he never returns any of my calls!"
Papa Bear (mockingly): "I don't know what any of that means, and I really don't give a shit. Brass tacks, we were all there at the press conference for your unveiling. What you gonna do brother, when the mythical baderinegooses run wild on you? I mean who the fuck do you think you are man?"
Cheap (slaps O'Riley, gives his speech, and then beats O'Riley within an inch of his life): "Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I? Try doing some research of your guests old man. I am the violator of virgins, slayer of first person shooters, scalper and decapitator of natives. I am the crusher of the clit, master of the pen, walker of Texas rangers. I am the fear that makes you piss yourself. I've burned the flame mist buds from Cali to the NYC, battled the Angel of Death, and loved more women than Wilt Chamberlin. I fear no god damn baderinegooses, for I AM CHEEEAAPINNITTREEEAALLL!"
Papa Bear (extremely injured): "First I nearly get trampled to death at your unveiling and now this. Good night America."
Emergency medical technicians hurry to tend to Papa Bear, and the janitorial crew charges the stage, with mops in hand, to clean up O'Riley's blood as the picture fades to black.
—Scene captured on: The O'Riley Factor circa. February, 29 2005
Cheap battled the Badgerinegoose for three years (aided by Ignacius Powarkock and Ray Pankill) before realizing he couldn't put his bride-to-be in that kind of danger any longer. Cheap would be forced to make a deal with the devil himself, his father, the one true "God" as they say. God could not assure Cheap that the Badgerinegoose would quit hunting him, but did offer Cheap the only known solution to his problem. It seems the Badgerinegoose fears the relics and trophies of the Uncyclopedia universe. Cheap was granted asylum there and is attempting to collect as many of the relics as possible before returning to Earth (if you want to help Cheap turn to page 28; if you want to see Cheap and Jen devoured by a Baderinegoose turn to page go fuck yourself).
If you see a Badgerinegoose stalking the Uncyclopedia universe please notify Cheapinitreal immediately!
edit Articles Written
- Julien Dubuque (still editing)
- Tootsie Rolls
- Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Farmers
- Chet Culver a.k.a Serpentor
- Kitty Porn
- Unnews: COCKS embraced: Lawsuit filed against Cedric the Entertainer
- HowTo:Hunt Interesting Exotic Dancer Conversation (still editing)
- What Would Jesus Do?
- User:Cheapinitreal/UnBooks:The Life and Times of OG Smurf (Just started it)
- Knife Show (In outlining phase)
edit Articles I Plan To Rewrite
After looking at the list of articles needing a rewrite, I realized there were some great topics out there. If you stop by here often, take a look at the list and drop me a line to let me know what you think I should take on. They were all dreadful. I can fix them, I can make them stronger, I have the technology. I really just made this list so I don't forget I have something I can work on when void of originality.
- Ark of the Covenant
- House M.D.
- John Coltrane
- Karate Kid (coming soon)
- Shaq Fu
- Snuff Film
- Cobra (it doesn't have a rewrite tag but it needs one)
edit Ideas for articles I'd like to write
- Maximilian Kolbe
- Jay Berwanger
- When Nietzsche Wept
- Toronto Labatt
edit Awards, Nominations, Certifications, and NotificationsNoob of the Moment May 2008
| Featured Article: Kitty Porn|
This person wrote an article which became one of the
Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia.
| Featured Article: What Would Jesus Do?|
This person wrote an article which became one of the
Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia.